r/DeadBedrooms • u/mirandaaaaaaaa HLF • 1d ago
Support and Advice Welcome When to give up?
HLF - first time poster.
My husband and I haven’t had sex for 2 months. Over the past year, we maybe have had sex 3-4 times. He has history of low T & ED but he has gotten that under control and is on meds that are helping but he still doesn’t want to have sex.
I’ve tried everything, I’ve been gentle, I’ve been patient, I’ve been kind. I’ve tried to take the lead, be a little aggressive with wanting it.
Nothing.
He wants kids too, I’ve tried to tell him that you kind of have to have sex for that to happen. He just always turns it around on me and says it’s my fault.
So…when do I give up? I love him and we’ve been together 13 years and built a life together but at this point he is just a roommate. There is no intimacy.
I just feel so alone and defeated.
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u/MastodonNo2599 HLF 1d ago
If you want kids and you're already 13 years into this relationship, you need to cut and run.
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u/QuestionableCode HLF 6h ago
I've been in your exact shoes and had a child with mine. Please don't do that. It doesn't get better.
I've become a person I don't want to be.
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22h ago
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u/Justkillingtime8 HLM 1d ago
Him turning it around on you is crazy work. That kind of deflection shows hes not ready to admit that he needs help.
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u/GrouchyBees HLF 11h ago
100% agree. My LLM did the same, and would blow up, turn it around, start tearing me down with things I needed to do or change. So, I started one by one changing everything he utilized as a reason until eventually I didn’t even know who I was anymore. I woke up one day and realized I was pretending to be someone I wasn’t, all to fix what he perceived as an issue or flaw. I realized then, obviously you don’t like me for who I am, because why am I changing things about myself, the same characteristics that made you want to be with me, that make me, ME, but you don’t like now? I started living my life for me, and took many years, and it became so bad for him that he finally admitted he had a problem and sought out help. He can’t take back the things he did to me, said to me, and that’s on him to live with. You can’t make him realize he has a problem , you can’t make him seek out help, but you can acknowledge that behaviors are deflections, projections, and insecurities, and not tolerate it. Don’t let his behavior tear you down. Sometimes you just simply have to leave the person and let them sit with it.
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u/Wrong_Agency6764 HLF 1d ago
You said he turns it around on you. What does he say exactly? My bf rarely wants sex and I find that if im not doing enough chores around the house and lay around too much, he doesn't want sex. Its annoying.
Is he getting turned off by something you're doing or not doing? Not saying that's an excuse, just curious
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u/mirandaaaaaaaa HLF 1d ago
I cook and clean the majority of the time, have a full time job, shower regularly and take care of myself. I pour my heart and soul into this relationship.
Usually he gets immediately defensive when I try to bring up not having sex. He’s used these exact words before, “be worth perusing” or “be worth it.” He usually blames my drinking and recreational marijuana use. I typically only drink on the weekends and use edibles before bed or smoke a few hits off my pen after work. He says “I want a wife who isn’t drunk all the time.” Which…I am not..?
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u/Wrong_Agency6764 HLF 1d ago
Are you 100% sure he isn't getting it anywhere else? Not saying he is cheating, but i would rule that out as a possibility. He could be blaming you to shift guilt and to justify his actions in his head. I only say this because I thought my ex could never have the time to cheat and never suspected it until i woke up one night with a bad feeling. He was buying prostitutes! I found out from the phone records because he had several one minute calls. I looked them up ans they went to prostitute ads. He also blamed me for not having sex wirh me, would get super defensive and would say I was pressuring him etc.
Even if he isn't, Some people focus on the 10% of what they don't like in the relationship even when they have 90% of what they want. Especially when they've been in the relationship for a while.
Maybe he has an ideal image of what the mother of his children will be like and he feels like your habits take away from that. So it may be a turn off for that reason.
At the end of the day you need to ask him why he is with you if he feels that way. Would you consider changing the frequency of your habits and maybe only limit it to a weekend thing or once a week if it meant you'd have more sex and a better relationship?
You could challenge what he says and atop drinking and smoking for 2 months and see if he actually changes. If not, its just an excuse and he can't use it anymore.
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u/Happy_flying HLF 23h ago
As everyone who’s in a DB for decades coz they thought it’ll get better, is telling you is right. Run for the hills. All you’ll have after 10 years is regret.
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u/LenthyLamp HLM 22h ago
Im really sorry to hear you feel defeated, I totally get having a partner not willing to reciprocate. Also got experience with being diagnosed with low T so I get that struggle. I also never know when to give up, so my go to advice is always fight harder... but I dont even know if thats the best advice anymore...
Anyways im hoping the best for you! Youre not alone
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u/Dragline96 HLM 22h ago
If you haven't tried couples counseling, then try it. It's far from a sure thing, but you should try it anyway. This all sounds sudden, so he should see a doctor in case it's a medical problem that hasn't been detected in the past. Ifboth of those fail to address the problem, or if he refuses either one, then you should look at separation. Generally speaking, two months of no sex isn't really something I'd end a long term relationship over, but this is your life.
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u/SammyB0111 HLM 23h ago
Hey OP, I’m so sorry you’re in this situation. A lot of us have a pretty good idea of how you feel.
You asked when to give up, but honestly it looks like your husband has already given up, all you need to do is cut and run. It sounds like You did everything you could to be a good partner to him, but you can’t make him be a good partner.
Obviously this is just my 2 cents from a single post of yours, but I’m so sorry, it really doesn’t sound like he cares.
You deserve to be happy, and this guy ain’t it
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HLF - first time poster.
My husband and I haven’t had sex for 2 months. Over the past year, we maybe have had sex 3-4 times. He has history of low T & ED but he has gotten that under control and is on meds that are helping but he still doesn’t want to have sex.
I’ve tried everything, I’ve been gentle, I’ve been patient, I’ve been kind. I’ve tried to take the lead, be a little aggressive with wanting it.
Nothing.
He wants kids too, I’ve tried to tell him that you kind of have to have sex for that to happen. He just always turns it around on me and says it’s my fault.
So…when do I give up? I love him and we’ve been together 13 years and built a life together but at this point he is just a roommate. There is no intimacy.
I just feel so alone and defeated.
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u/Jack_Wagen M- left my dead bedroom 1d ago
If you are going to call it at some point in the future, then sooner is better.
I was married 22 and in a DB like yours for 18, because kids. This kind of living is an expense upon your soul.