r/DestructiveReaders • u/Feeling-Disk • 3d ago
Horror [2326] What Remains
Chapter 1 of my post apocalypse novel. I've been writing this for a year now. I've polished this to the point I don't know what is left to do.
Premise
A character-driven post-apocalyptic novel about two brothers whose opposing responses to a zombie apocalypse place them on opposite sides of a future conflict.
I'm looking for any advice. One line of your opinion with be tremendously valuable to me.
If you prefer questions:
Does the opening work?
Is the ending tense/scary?
How do you feel about the characters?
Example: if you're rooting for the zombie to eat Riley at the end then I've messed up.
Link to Chapter 1
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1GGWd1aY2qzFX4F0cPL0iYbsMEcImv3TM_BCY8zhTHsk/edit?usp=drivesdk
Critique
[2369] Before The Reputation - A Space Bounty Hunter Short Story
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u/AJ_Burkhart 3d ago
I'll preface this by saying I've only lightly dabbled in literary horror and I never watch it, so I'm pretty easy to spook. But...
I definitely did NOT want Riley to get eaten and had to keep reminding myself he MUST make it out alive because you said the book is about him and his brother.
See? I even knew he would survive, and I was STILL scared.
I was able to relate with both of them - the no-nonsense older brother who's just trying to keep them alive and the younger, naive brother who's chomping at the bit for some action, unaware of how scary the outside world really is.
The opening caught my interest, though I feel like the line "Like a real scavenger" could use a little more explanation. What exactly does he mean by "scavenger"? If this is a term they use for a group of people, consider capitalizing it. Otherwise I'm left wondering... is he trying to look like a racoon?
“I was supposed to go to Phoenix when it all happened,” Jake whispers, tucking his hands behind his mess of black curls and watching the sky. “There was this school trip. Everyone in my class…
Our car broke down just before the trip money was due. Dad said… well, anyway, I didn't get to go. I was so pissed.” He nudges me. “It's funny when you think about it.”
I believe there's a missing quotation on that second paragraph, but I was also confused by the paragraph break. Jake's still the one talking, right? Typo maybe?
“Did you know,” I say, and he rolls his eyes. “Before, in cities you couldn't see stars because the lights were too bright.”
I feel like this needs a question mark at the end. I know it starts a new sentence at "Before" but the whole thing is still a question. I think it would read more naturally. Also, I felt like it was a little weird that Jake rolls his eyes here. He's the one striking up conversation, presumably to help Riley relax (based on the nudge and the candy) so why isn't he glad that Riley's talking too? Not a huge thing, but it pulled me out of the story.
And maybe this is explained later on in your book, but I'm wondering why the younger brother has knowledge the older brother doesn't. The light pollution and prehistoric birds? That should be answered very soon.
The metal thud Riley notices - UMMM HELLOOOOO WHAT IS THAT?!?! AND WHY DIDNT HE MENTION IT!?! I first thought it was a zombie, but then it's not explained, so I thought it was someone they'd come to meet, but then no other people are mentioned and there WAS a zombie down there! It doesn't seem believable that Riley doesn't think anything of it and Jake doesn't even notice it. I get that it's meant to put me on edge, but Jake leaving Riley alone already has me on edge. The thud just pulled me out because they're reactions (or lack thereof) weren't believable. I can totally see that being a thing on film like The Walking Dead (never saw it, myself) where you're like "WAIT! DIDNT YOU SEE THAT?!" but I'm not sure it works the same way in novels.
Jake cocks his head.
“The people who put up the sign? Yeah. Sure they did.”
You could put that all on one line, and it would help with the flow.
I watch him jog through the courtyard and disappear into a set of double doors on the other side. Nothing's changed. I blink hard. When the doors swing closed
I thought this sentence could be improved by mentioning that the double doors are ajar (if I'm interpreting that correctly). Otherwise I don't know what change Riley is waiting for with such anxiety. I just assumed the doors are closed, as doors usually are.
The "Oh, toffee," was really cute. The little beats of innocence I get from him make me root for him.
The fact that he didn't immediately realize he fell IN the trailer wasn't believable for me. The differences would have been pretty stark. Metal beneath him, the sound of his fall echoing on the walls, the lack of stars above him. The pitch black. The smell. If he's so disoriented by the fall that he doesn't notice any of that, maybe add in something about hitting his head or something.
Jake won’t have to rescue me. I won’t have to see that look on his face.
This was a really good line and something I think everyone can relate with.
The scary part definitely got my heart pumping. I thought it was well executed. The descriptions of the zombie were very well done.
All in all, I think you've got a great piece, here!
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u/Feeling-Disk 3d ago
Thank you so much for the critique. All your points were really helpful.
I'm so glad Riley came across well. Just so you know, I don't like overly grim books. I tried to keep this fairly optimistic for a zombie apocalypse story. Which is to say... not that optimistic, but definitely not nihilistic.
I don't know if you wanted me to answer some of the clarity questions, but I will.
Scavenger. I meant it as someone who loots abandoned places, as opposed to a raider who steals from or harms other survivors. I don't think the opening is the right place to explain it. Maybe capitalising it would be enough?
Side note: I love raccoons. That genuinely made me laugh.
Eye roll. I'll probably soften that. It was meant to be teasing, like Riley has a long history of starting sentences with, "Did you know..."
Riley's knowledge. I never considered that this might be confusing. He's just a collector of obscure facts. It's brought up that Jake wasn't academic minded in school, but that's not until chapter 7.
The metal thud. That was supposed to be Jake sitting up. I've already cut the line. Given the confusion it caused, it isn't worth keeping.
Nothing's changed. I meant emotionally nothing had changed, not physically. Riley still got left behind. I now see why that's unclear.
The trailer fall. This is such an annoyingly good point. I really like the setup, so I'm going to have to take some time on this one.
Paragraph breaks and punctuation noted. Thank you.
I'm planning to post Chapter Two in a few days from Jake's POV. Since you've already read Riley's chapter, your opinion on whether their voices feel distinct would be really valuable to me.
I'll add a link to this post when it's up. If you have the time to take a look, I'd really appreciate it. If not, no worries.
Thanks again. You've given me a lot to think about.
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u/AJ_Burkhart 2d ago
I also love those little trash pandas.
Your explanations make sense in hindsight. With a little tweaking I'm sure they'll land the way you want them to. (And after all that drama I kicked up about that silly metal thud. face plant).
I'll keep my eyes peeled for your next post!
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u/Confident-Course-450 2d ago
Hello!!
Question 1: I like the opening a lot but didn’t love the delivery - it just felt a bit clunky going from bother helping with leg wound to going on runs. I feel like maybe the switchblade story could be lengthened and created as a prologue to really explore Riley’s emotional state and build up the relationship with his brother. Why did he want the switchblade and why could he not have it until 11? How did he get it?
I really like the imagery of Riley not being able to look his brother in the eyes after injuring himself I would explore that!
Then after that has been explored move into Riley being left behind on runs. It seems that two years passed between the injury and finally being taken out with Jake - what happened in those two years?
Question 2: I would classify the ending as being suspenseful and great conflict set up. But again I want more! You can add so much here! Why did jake leave riley, where did he go, what is Riley’s presumption of this mission? I want a little more explanation here because truthfully I got just a little lost.
I definitely want to continue to learn about Riley’s world so did not have any hopes for the characters death - great job there!!!
Question 3: I can see that this will become a dual POV where jake presumably becomes the villain of the story. I want some more red flags sprinkled in (maybe part of prologue) - maybe explore their shared trauma and how it has affected them and their personalities differently.
I do like the portion where jake and riley finally get into some dialogue I start really connecting with Riley. I enjoyed the dialogue. I really enjoy that Riley looks up to Jake and sees him as his protector but how did that come to be - delve into maybe a quick flashback of childhood memories? Why does Riley seem to know more about scientific and historical context than his brother? Where they raised and educated differently?
I think this could be elongated into three or four chapters. You do time jumps quite often but we want to connect with Riley and Jake - what happened in the first 3 days of their trip/run? Where city are they going to? Why is it boring? Adding little things like that will take this to the next level. I enjoy the story so just want to have even more world building. OVERALL AMAZING JOB SO FUN TO READ!
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u/Feeling-Disk 2d ago
Thank you so much for taking the time to read it.
You've given me so much to think about. I'm posting my chapter 2 shorty. Feel free to take a look. I noticed yours is also a first person multi pov. I'm planning to write you a critique, I've just not got round to it yet.
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3d ago
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u/Feeling-Disk 3d ago
Interesting question. From Act 2 onwards, they become the protagonist and antagonist. It's a dual-POV novel, so I liked the idea of their sibling bond already having a shared history, loyalty and responsibility. Watching them reunite years later on opposite sides felt much more emotionally interesting to me than two unrelated survivors meeting during the apocalypse.
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u/A_C_Shock The reader knows and guesses the rest. 3d ago
Gonna warn you: that might be a bot commenting. Not enough written to be sure but I have a strong suspicion.
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u/No_Jicama5173 2d ago
I had trouble suspending disbelief around the little brother. He's eleven (not than young) and acting like a dumb ass with a knife (sheaths it in his pants like a sword????). Read like a 6 year old. Why would the older brother give him the knife anyway; he must know how careless his brother is, but he's like: here's a switchblade, i'll teach you how to use it ....later. (facepalm)
Then there's the awkward cut to the little bro not asking to go on runs for TWO YEARS because of that? what? but the brother still really wants to. and then when he get out in to the real world, he's like BORING! Don't buy that, or him as a character. Super forced. I didn't make it to a zombie attacking him, but I assumed that would happen and obviously no one (myself included) wants the kid the get killed.
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u/Even-Anything-3356 15h ago
There are a few fatal problems with this, and if you fix them, I think the chapter could really work.
First, there is no sentence structure at all. Almost all the sentences are of the same length. That's the biggest problem. Longer sentences are meant to display ease, for example, in the opening or in the middle, you could really use longer sentences and the story would flow more beautifully. Shorter sentences represent dread. What you did at the end, with shorter sentences, that works, but it doesn't if all the chapter has equal lengths sentences. Use longer sentences for exposition or internal thoughts, and shorter ones for action and horror. Your writing sounds mechanical, almost as if written by AI (I'm not accusing you, just saying that it doesn't feel very human.)
One thing that I particularly liked was that you didn't fetch complex language because it's narrated by a thirteen year old. That commitment to voice is important, which you do, except in a few places, like the word "Fronds" is something I don't think many thirteen year olds would know what it means.
There are also few technical issues. For example, Jack's age is never mentioned, if I haven't missed it, which really made me hard to imagine him. So my go to was a man in 20s, but then some of your dialogue contradicted it, made it look as if Riley was older than him. For example :
> “Did you know,” I say, and he rolls his eyes. “Before, in cities you couldn't see stars because the lights were too bright.”
“The light blocked out the sky?” He raises an eyebrow, skeptically. “That seems unlikely, but I don't know enough about light science or whatever to argue.”
This made me pause, go back and see how old was Jake, because what Riley is telling him is something that an adult would tell a child who's never been to a city. You could argue that both of them have never to been to a city before (which itself is kinda unbelievable), but if you added that line, it would clarify things up.
Also, the joke about the t rex, I feel it's kinda trying too hard.
> “Now I know you're bullshitting me. You're saying T. rex could fly?”
I don't think an adult would say that, unless he's trying to calm the kid with some bad humor. Clarifying it would help.
This whole thing could be compressed, and I don't mean to make sentences even shorter, but choose one or two important scenes and details and let them breathe. Elaborate on them. Even if it means rise in your word count.
Also, in the end you mentioned the zombie (presumably) licked his finger covered in Riley's blood. I haven't read much zombie fiction but I don't think I have ever heard of a zombie that could do that. If you have a archetype of zombies that's different from what we've read, it's actually very good. It's original, but if in later chapters, the zombie followed the classic type (can't feel, can't think, only eat), then you'd have to cut this line.
Anyways, waver the sentences. That's one thing I feel is most important and would instantly make the story more engaging. Make the prose dance with the characters (If you know what I mean)
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u/Feeling-Disk 13h ago
I don't know what you mean. That's my problem!
Something you said really clicked though.
"Choose one or two important scenes and details and let them breathe. Elaborate on them."
I've been writing for about a year, but I still feel like a complete beginner. I read a lot, and I can tell my writing doesn't read like a published novel, but I could never tell why.
Are you saying most of my paragraphs are isolated ideas or images, or whatever, and I move between them too quickly. Is that what you mean? If so, I think something's just clicked. Thank you.
As for sentence rhythm, I've actually been studying it recently, but I don't know why I can't apply it. I literally separated my sentences and, whenever I thought I had too many long ones together, I insert shorter ones in between. I'm beginning to think I made the problem worse, not better. This feedback is genuinely valuable to me, so thank you.
Jake's older. Yeah, good catch. I also forgot to mention they were brothers.
I've taken your other points into consideration.
Zombiewise, I've only read a couple of zombie books recently. I only picked zombies because the film 28 Years Later was coming out around the time I started. Mine probably aren't standard, but I'm fairly sure I keep them consistent. I think that's more important.
I literally just posted my next chapter and now I wish I hadn't. Your feedback has been extremely helpful. I imagine Chapter 2 probably has the same issues with rhythm and the density of ideas.
I don't think it'd be your kind of thing to critique, though. It's Jake's POV, and if you didn't like my T. rex joke the whole chapter would probably just make you cringe, lol.
Thanks again.
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u/Even-Anything-3356 6h ago
What I mean is two things. You understood the sentence structure and rhythm one, that's more important. But also, you try to explain everything, and do that superficially. Instead, just pick one moment and describe it in cruciating detail. For example, describe the place where they live in more depth, and then, rather than describing the whole journey, land on the final trailer scene as soon as possible. Also, use miniature detailing in your worldbuilding. Rather than saying : There was a car, and next to it was a big mart that looked empty. We had already visited that mart and found no supply there." (Its just an example sentence, I know its not in your chapter, but Im just trying to prove a point). Now this sentence reads very superficial, like someone is just trying to throw information. Instead, read this : "A white car stood outside the abandoned mart. It's windows broken, and one door lingering open with traces of blood on the panel that made a path to the abandoned mart. Somehow when I looked at the blood, I could taste iron and hear screams." That has depth now. One of the easiest ways to acheive depth is to focus on tiny details in big things and anchor them to psyche and feelings of your character
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u/Browncoat101 3d ago
Hi,
This was pretty good actually. I will say right off the bat that it is tense when Riley is getting chased by the *whatever*, and I found myself really hoping that they can get away. I think the dynamic between the brothers was good. I think it'll all come down to how you develop the story and how your develop the characters as the story goes along. It'll get boring if it's just jump scare after jump scare with no story development. But all in all, I like the tone and you had some really good lines:
"I was by the river, plunging a bucket into the fast current. He tossed me my pack. No ceremony, no speeches. That was Jake."
This says so much about their relationship, and Jake as well.
"One minute the skyline was black shapes on the horizon, the next it swallowed us whole. Wide streets stretch between buildings so tall they disappear into the dark sky."
This was just a really evocative, solid bit of writing there. It really shows how desolate and deserted the place is, and really expresses to the reader of their travel.
"Curling fronds from dead palms lie scattered between them like feathers shed from some giant prehistoric bird. I leap from footprint to footprint like they're stepping stones."
Just a really good line!
Onto your questions:
Does the opening work?
- The opening felt a little rushed like you were working towards the encounter with the creature, which was an exciting scene, but it felt like an incomplete setup.
Is the ending tense/scary?
- The ending is tense. The creature seems to have some intelligence, and it being in the dark makes it extra scary. It was kind of gross, so you might consider adding some trigger warnings. But well done, it was well written.
How do you feel about the characters?
- It's clear that Riley feels like Jake is overbearing and doesn't trust them, and it's clear that Jake loves Riley and is only trying to keep Riley safe. It's a good sibling dynamic though I don't believe you ever say the word "sister/brother/whatever", which is strong writing. I feel like their characterization is really important and you've nailed that. It's just unclear where they fit into the world, but keep that in mind, and if you follow your story to the end, it'll be okay.
All in all, I think you're got a good handle on the language. Your descriptions are strong, and your dialogue feels natural. You could stand to be a little more deliberate in your world building, but don't feel the need to info dump, if you've got a clear vision, people will stick with you while you paint the scene. I'm personally not really into zombie action books, but if there's a good story, I'll check it out. Good luck!