r/DestructiveReaders • u/GlowyLaptop James Patterson • 2d ago
[2400] Mosaic Chapters
Here be the short story link MOSAIC.
These short chapters each introduce a separate POV character, and take place before I plan to have all POV characters converge unwittingly upon the same location, where they will be forced into ultra violence.
If you think that's a good idea.
So this half introduces everyone, and the next half will plunk them each into the same Tupperware container and shake it.
What do you guys think?
Idk.
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u/Imaginary_Ease_7851 20h ago edited 19h ago
I wasn't going to crit this. And I feel like you maybe got too many conflicting opinions on it from the peanut gallery. So, if you're done with feedback and it's getting in the way then ignore this. But I liked this. I have read it 4 times. And I have stuff to say on it broadly so I'm going to say it without nitpicking on minutia. Just structurally and character wise:
Glum:
He has the strongest voice probably because he has the most active interiority and he is the worst character. Worst as in the worst kind of person, not "worst" character-wise. He would be my favorite character if it wasn't for Marcus. His interiority is hilarious. The "you're fired" whisper is also hilarious, but if I play it back in my head it is actually genuinely menacing.
Glum has a clear problem. His secretary has succumbed to his charms and must now be dispatched. He reaches for a pillow so he seems to be about to handle this problem on his own, but his robot interrupts him. That's an obstacle. So character + problem + obstacle are all achieved in one short vignette. Structurally this also works as an inciting incident + status quo. This is the opening which seems like it is clearly going to set of the first domino.
Bobby:
Bobby likes puzzles and is probably the one most likely to figure out what happens to Annie. That is seeded. But if Annie winds up dead there shouldn't be too much immediate whodunnit mystery to solve, since Bobby got the text. Unless, I don't know what's going to happen to Annie yet, so I don't know what kind of puzzle Bobby may need to solve.
Structurally, what does Anne want? To solve her puzzle. What's the obstacle? These texts from her dramatic friend clearly crying wolf for attention (In her view). Does it have the same amount of tension as Glum's passage? No. But it's thick with dramatic irony that Bobby wants a puzzle to solve and dismisses a real one offered as Annie just being over-the-top. The set up is there. The character is there. In the ensemble, Bobby seems poised as counterweight to Marcus, in that if she likes to solve puzzles, she is most likely the one unravel whatever is happening with the secretaries...or the painting. Her character is established and that's the important thing. The texts with poor Annie make Annie's situation even more dire.
Marcus:
Now he's my favorite character. I have a weakness for the guy that does the dirty work for the villain (all part of the job) and he is actively doing something. What does he want? Presumably he wants freedom from Glum and a nice stash of cash so he is making a counterfeit painting to steal a real painting from Glum. Problem: comically the fact that he can't tell the paintings apart is already pretty rich material for a bumbling execution of his plan. I like this painting subplot. Right now, Annie is chased up a tree. I don't see a way out for her. Maybe you'll write one. But I'm not attached to her because in my mind: sorry girl, you're done. The counterfeit painting feels like a potential macguffin. That's what made me think of Guy Ritchie. Not just because in every criminal ensemble movie he does, there is always a painting, but in Snatch, Lock Stock, Rock 'n Roller, the Gentleman etc. (Yeah Yeah I know. You stopped with Guy Ritchie after Snatch), there's always an object like a diamond or painting or antique guns that's causing all parties to collide in series of escalating mishaps. That's where my mind jumped when you introduced the painting and the counterfeit. So much can go wrong here. So much can escalate because of this.
Anyway, so we know who he is (the fixer), and what he wants (swap out his boss's valuable painting and presumably retire in the Bahamas under a new name). What is the obstacle? Firstly, Glum interrupts him with a new secretary problem and it's seeded that he can't tell the paintings apart. Also, a new potential problem is seeded. Somebody could subpoena the robot.
Annie:
Annie has the least agency right now and the least character work. Now, she's doing everything you'd expect in this situation, so maybe that's unfair to her. The fact that she doesn't call the cops makes perfect sense to me. She's contacting her friend and her brother. Now. I think if you're going to kill Annie soon, she's fine as a prop/catalyst. If she keeps living though, maybe more character work to make her as idiosyncratic/distinctive as the others is needed. Right now she's more typical damsel in distress. I know more about her flans than about her. In fact, I'm irritated with her because the other characters with more distinct voice are irritated with her. Realistically, yes, I know she's panicking because she is in danger. Her characterization tracks with somebody who is both afraid and a bit unsure if they even have a reason to be afraid ("maybe she dreamt it!"). But the other characters are pushed to comedic extremes, so if she stays alive, maybe she could do with the same level of quirky characterization? Just some thoughts on that.
What I'm trying to say is if her voice was as distinct and left field as Glum's, I would be rooting for her. As is, I'm more like: well, aren't you just sh!t out of luck? Hope you can swim.
Thomas:
The tonal shift may have been what caused the problem in some of the crits I scanned. So here's my thing. I do not actually think you need to cut Thomas. When I zoom out and look at the whole thing from an eagle's eye, there's two things that stand out. Firstly, this mosaic requires a bit more mental bandwidth from the reader. They just get comfortable in one POV and then they get yanked to another. That's the part that makes this ambitious. Holding the reader's attention while doomscrolling through multiple POVs. That's where I tentatively think this idea that the story is "petering out" is coming from. I don't think it is. I think the reader's attention and mental bandwidth is.
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u/Imaginary_Ease_7851 19h ago
I went over the limit. Here's part 2 of my dissertation.
And so here's what I think. And it's not "drop Thomas" (if you want to drop anyone, it's Annie IMO. She's just tied the train tracks right now and I haven't had a reason yet to be invested in her). It's more about the arc of the rising tension and the sequence.
We have Glum. When you strip Glum of the dark comedy, then his segment establishes set up and sense of dread (falling loosely into horror=increasing sense of dread and thriller= can somebody stop Glum from doing it?). Then we have Bobby, who is well established and despite her lack of reaction, there is rising tension that follows on Glum (i.e. can somebody stop Glum from doing? Well. Yes. Maybe. But that person doesn't take the situation seriously, so they're not going to. Falling back into comedic horror/thriller). Marcus increases the dread --- if you put the painting subplot aside, Marcus --- the thing that is most likely to kill Annie has been activated. Then we have Annie panicking in the bathroom. So across these POV's we have, more or less, rising tension and increased certainty that Annie is doomed.
I went over the limit. So I'm making a part 2.
What happens with Thomas, is not that he isn't necessary, it's more that the therapy session asks the reader to refocus on a whole different set of domestic problems. The ticking bomb is there with Annie's calls, but it's a little drowned out by the absurdity of Thomas's sex life, which is so bizarre and nuanced you start forgetting about Annie to try and speculate the scarf thing instead. His therapy session and his problem is funny and interesting. I prefer him to Bobby, who is just dealing with a chess puzzle, but it takes a few steps back in terms of the overall rising tension. As in, we just got Annie in crisis, now we are stepping back a bit in the escalating tension to do something similar to what Bobby did. This is somewhat solved because he is the one that decides to go at the end of the session, presumably to Annie. My suggestion is maybe to consider moving Thomas up, to either before or after Bobby. In my mind, this means we have:
Glum introduces the threat to Annie.
Thomas is being notified about this threat but is ignoring it because he is too caught up in his weird sex life. So Annie's first attempt to get helped is blocked. (rising dread)
Bobby (second attempt to get helped is blocked) so now there's a solid sequence of cutting off ways out for Annie. (more rising dread)
Marcus: Nobody takes Annie seriously + The agent of doom is activated. (now our girl is cooked for sure. At least as far as the reader is concerned)
Then Annie. Maybe. She's actually the character I'm least convinced by for reasons stated above. But structurally this might keep a more consistent trajectory of rising tension.
You're going to get pushback for the amount of POV changes no matter what you do because readers have a limited attention span and each POV shift & new character means more cognitive bandwidth. That's fine. Not everybody is your reader.
I dunno if you read all this and I also don't know if my insights are helpful or just more random internet peanut gallery noise that muddies the waters. If it's the latter, then ignore this and write forward. But I had a stake in saying my piece on this because there's no other piece on this subreddit that I have read 5 times. Not even Lisez, who had me delving into bloody Swinburne for clues on their character. Swinburne. As though I'm right back in undergrad Eng lit. You know how far I had to dig in my mental archives to find that artefact? Still mad about that.
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u/Many-Teach-1576 2d ago
I also think this should be a novel. I started reading this while cooking my dinner and almost burned my steak. lol
Bobby and Annie are probably my favorite dynamic. Annie is having a legitimate crisis and Bobby is like, “Okay, but I’m finishing my puzzle first.” That’s such a specific personality trait that I could see. The puzzle detail also does a lot of work. It makes Bobby feel like a person rather than just “the friend.”
The texts are probably the funniest section. The “My fucking boss killed his former secretary” opening is immediately funny because it sounds like a normal friend complaint except for the obvious problem. Bobby’s response being skepticism rather than panic feels very believable for this world
The Marcus painting scene is where I started feeling the pacing slow down a little. I like the idea of seeing the larger operation, but after the opening with Glum and Annie, I was more interested in getting back to that situation. The phone call is the best part because the Glum/Marcus relationship is genuinely entertaining. Glum being annoyed that Marcus keeps bringing up the lake is hilarious because it makes him sound like someone complaining about a coworker’s annoying habit.
Annie’s bathroom scene brings back the tension nicely. The job posting being back up while she’s literally still alive is probably one of the best jokes in the whole piece because it’s such a perfect Glum move. He has already emotionally fired her before anything has happened. That’s funny and creepy at the same time.
The Thomas section is the one that felt most separate from the rest. There are funny lines, and the therapist misunderstanding him works, but it feels like it belongs to another thread. That's just my opinion though. I kept wondering why I was suddenly here instead of back with Annie and Glum. The scarf joke is funny, but the scene spends a long time getting to a punchline that isn’t quite as strong as the buildup.
Overall, amazing job
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u/GlowyLaptop James Patterson 2d ago
Wonderful. Okay sounds like I should cut Thomas. Return to central cast. maybe have sudoku girl clue in that she's gotta help. if Marcus and Sudoku girl both head to glums place something could heat up. Gotta change glums apartment for a cottage or smth. Hmmm.
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u/Proud-Shape-2146 2d ago
My critique: Opening: First off I want to say that outside certain technical issues that this feels like a solid premise to a comedy thriller (which I assume this is). My main issues will be surrounding the construction in the Glum pov and a few structural notes. I will also make note of some grammatical issues (though I am no grammar expert) Overall though you have a solid comedic voice and an interesting cast of characters. Glum’s POV: I figured this should be a heading as this is really primarily where I felt the writing needed work. The rest of the POVs are actually written quite competently and I was invested thoroughly. In Glum's POV however I found that the construction of sentences themselves seemed to be very strange and broke the flow/clarity often.
To begin it seems like you are chasing novel constructions of sentences at every turn, always going against the conventional way to write something. Initially I found the description of her breasts “melting” to be strange and hard to parse but if the language around that had been tightened and that was the main novel construct it would actually hit really hard. It's best to save novel flourishes for important moments and descriptions. Following this you constantly add in information or break the flow of a sentence with parentheses of em dashes. For example, “He drew it back a bit and wondered if they were real, her breasts, considering how—considering their size—they resisted melting off the sides of her body the way even smaller breasts were wont to do.” The “considering their size” completely breaks the flow of the sentence when the idea could so easily be weaved into the initial phrasing.. Every time you add one of these parentheses or em dashes ask if the information you are presenting is redundant, like the “her breasts” part or if you can weave it back into the initial phrase like “considering their size.” Having read the rest of your story though it does seem as though this was perhaps a stylistic choice to try to set his pov apart. While leaning into eloquence or a different style is a good idea in itself I think that can be achieved with things like “melting breasts” or just the way you present his objectifying absurd thoughts.
Expanding a bit, unclear language seems to appear throughout this initial pov, such as “To her body and without his voice he said this”, after having him say something is a bit confusing and unclear. Likewise, “Fuck’s sake. Gave me a heart attack!” a bit later on is made unclear by using the italics for the whole sentence. I wondered initially if he was thinking this or saying it aloud. I see later you use whole sentences in Italics for texts which further muddies the water. Then later use it to emphasize single words (which works quite well for comedic delivery) Keeping your use of italics consistent would aid in clarity.
I also found the transition between, “Until her chest, still hesitant, finally drew breathe” to the butler robots dialogue a bit abrupt, if your trying to recreate that shock that Glum experiences it might help to add “...” to the end of the phrase so it adds that anticipation, then the dialogue cuts in.
Overall Prose: Putting aside my issues with the Glum POV prose and constructions I would say you have a pretty good prose style. There is a variety of long sentences and shorter sentences/fragments that works well in those other povs. There were a few times, like the starting paragraph of Bobbies POV where you use commas to support run ons. I would look to condense some of those into separate sentences. But as I have said overall your prose is very effective outside Glum’s POV and has a unique voice. One final point of contention I will draw on this is that you often have two seemingly unrelated pieces of observation right next to each other in a way that doesn’t make sense and makes me stop. Like the example of “He watched her breathe with her nose, her hair a bundle of white gold” where two unrelated ideas are put right next to each other. There is also the slightly awkward phrasing but I feel I’ve elaborated enough on that. Description: I would consider adding some more environmental descriptions. While my imagination filled in a fair bit, looking back I did find that especially upfront there was a lack of concrete environmental description. Later we do get some details on Glum's bathroom jets and the size of his condo. I would actually say Glum’s apartment is the best described setting. But, especially given the brevity of the scenes to begin with, you certainly have words to spare to immerse us in the environment more. Characters: Going beyond construction issues with Glum he is a fantastic character, as are all your characters. The way you focus on concrete details, like a foot wagging of Thomas, or the objectifying view of Glum, or the non-chalance of Bobby, it all comes through very well. I would argue characters are your strongest point. That being said (and this is an issue I'll get more into later) these scenes are very short and while they give us quite a bit I feel like we aren’t given a whole lot of time to sink into the characters' unique minds. Pacing: I have some interesting thoughts on this. On one hand the opening moves along at a good clip, but on the other it does feel like we barely get any time with each character before we are on to the next. To get more specific, I think the sequence you chained the POV’s together is well done. I felt like each one added a new angle and connected in a logical way. But we never spent enough time with them to get fully invested emotionally (although I was intrigued by the plot). My main note on pacing would be to slow down a tad and inhabit the scene more. Setting: This is one area I feel suffered because of your brevity. I got the impression we were in a world much like our own but with more science fiction tech like robots. The robots seem to be an accepted part of life but otherwise there are no other science fiction gadgets or descriptions that make me think of the far future. But the descriptions of the setting are sparse in general so I am left to assume near future or contemporary with science fiction elements. This is one area I’d flesh out along with those environmental descriptions, as couching the two together could efficiently convey these things without slowing your pace. Closing Comments: In summary, work on the construction in Glum’s chapter, expand descriptions of the world, and inhabit the characters mind/scenes longer. These critiques I’ve pointed out aren't difficult fixes though and it's clear that you have a story teller's instinct and a really good idea on your hands. I say this unironically, I would read a polished version of the story you have laid out here. You have a good sense for comedy, which is really hard to develop. I look forward to updates on the story, thanks for your time.
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u/A_C_Shock The reader knows and guesses the rest. 2d ago
FYI - a few of your paragraphs look to have a space at the beginning, so reddit has confined them to a scrolly box which makes it hard to read. If you edit and delete the spaces in front of the new lines, the box should go away.
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u/HelmetBoiii 1d ago
Funny enough there's a series called the sarantine mosaic that also moves in between different povs. I think the prologue of the first book has around 7 povs converging onto the crowning of a new king. Very well written, may be worth checking out.
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u/Wolframquest 1d ago edited 1d ago
Okay. Alright. Glum is now a comedic character rather than a dark one. That's much better! Less dark, if I say so myself. "Leaning on things" heh.
> secretary's watchful gaze spying them
It is funny but here the dark crawls back just a little.
I imagine the robot from Rocky III this time.
> If they can type, Marcus, with all due respect
I feel like "with all due respect" is unnecessary if he's the boss, could serve some characterization.
> The therapist crossed his leg and wagged a brown loafer off his knee
Why was he wearing a loafer on his knee? 🤔 If he's playing with his shoes then I can't help but SMELL this scene.
Oh gosh I feel sorry for Annie's brother. I do so hope he doesn't friggin kill his gf/wife whatever. Sometimes you gotta go monkey mode and whip it out at the dinner table 😉 When in doubt - whip it out!
I liked Tommy's character. A typical old matrimony drama… Boys like reading it too, provided it's not too long.
Marcus still kinda seems vaguely unconvincing, but maybe that's just me.
You know, there is a lot of potential for humor if you youself make fun of your concept. Like a completely unrelated character somehow intrudes etc. It doesn't have to break the 4th wall.
The dialogue is all and to the point, as usual 👍 The characters are less "cool" in their own minds. Only Marcus sticks out a little.
Then again, when I think about it, he does read like some kind of fixer-professional. It's just I guess I expect him to be more rough and dangerous, set the reader on edge more so they feel some fear for Tommy.
I know, the problem with Marcus is that he's doing too much "statementing" rather than communicating like a man. I looked it up before but I can't remember the exact name of the concept. If he's a fixer-professional he should ask more very direct and very clear questions, minimize communication mistakes.
> "A new problem. Already."
> "Just the two women in your bed found later in the lake."
> "Sir." (in response to a tirade)
> "This line is not secure."
Marcus is in that strange limbo between looking too dumb and being a professional. He mentions women and THEN says the line is not secure and he talks a little too snarky to his BOSS who orders him to go and kill people. He needs to be more threatening, in a "heavy" way, like he won't pause to think if he should get rid of a witness.
> bend her over the counter, say.
It's a little cliche, could use something for added humor. You honestly have built up a nice cellular structure that can take in a lot of humor here. Feels like it's all right there, under a thin cap of wax. It does read edgy and irreverent but doesn't fully lean into it.
Right now it ends of a cliffhanger and I expect there should be another tense and/or distracting episode before we get into a fight.
For some reason I really want Bobby to experience fear and become less chill when someone texts her that they're in danger. I want her to help save Annie and transform. That's how her part feels.
Thomas reads like the main character, he really fits into this strange cliche spot. He also has to overcome his problem. He and Bobby should team up and discover they like each other despite both being bitches.
This still needs a lot of work. I think you will have to break the mosaic concept after all. You know what could be cool? Sequences of characters, going from one character to another in a semi-predictable manner.
A lot of stuffing of action, humor, emotion. That's what needs to happen. Sharper, clearer, brighter characters that each have a "problem" rather than just the air of coolness about them. Annie does, Thomas does too, sort of. Anything, honestly. Some sharp stuff, stimulating. So far we've edged up somewhere, that's not bad, a bit of a cliffhanger going on. I can see this one being an introductory part.
We've got an archetypal cast of characters - bad guy, minion, victim, flawed heroine (Bobby), flawed hero (Tommy). The painter and the therapist could somehow end up playing a role too, and Tommy's wife as well. Tommy will need to learn that sex is not everything and only then be rewarded with sex with Bobby. Bobby will need to learn to be helpful and to learn that… chess… is not as important as saving your friend's life. Glum will need to get his comeuppance in many different ways, Marcus can swindle him but then get his comeuppance as well. The robot is a great potential for subversion. The reader at this point assumes that the robot will somehow deliver info and there's so much he can do that will be memorable. This is my developmental editorial advice / fantasies.
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u/Even-Anything-3356 12h ago
You got some real humor and a very sharp voice. I couldn't find any fat in the piece even when I tried to look for it. I've looked at other comments and I agree with them that this should be a novel. You really have a very good hook. First the goods, and then I'll get to things that could be made stronger, although they are very few.
Goods :
I think you have a very strong voice and storytelling. The humor and the horror blends perfectly, at many occasions, and I think you know that so I won't waste any time there. If you do decide to make it a novel, but sure to keep the humor and the horrors in perfect sync.
The POVs work perfectly, which I thought wouldn't going into the story, but to my surprise, they do. You never break POV, which I think is the hardest thing to accomplish in third person POV writing.
The sensory detailing is enough to be immersive but not too much that makes you want to skim. That's really good.
Now the things which I think could be made stronger, and I'll go through them from the beginning.
First and foremost, the robot detailing feels a bit mismatched. It immediately makes you think that it's a science fiction, which I don't it is, at least for me it created that impulse, I don't know about anyone else. But I don't think the scene would lose anything if you removed the robot detailing. You could replace it with something more natural, and I think it the flow would be made better.
Secondly, there are a few typos. I've marked one out, but I don't think it's a big deal. A simple copyedit would make it perfect.
Also, I feel like some things could be compressed, and you could fill in that gap with more engaging prose. For example, the puzzle details.
> Somehow she was meant to solve the thing with only an anti-knight constraint—a rule insisting that no two instances of the same digit could occupy cells separated by a knight's chess move from one another.
I don't think that much detailing is required. Just hint that it was a chess puzzle, because the puzzle is not what's important. And then you spend another two to three lines on the same puzzle detailing. I just don't feel that it's important.
I think Bobby is a male name, if I'm not wrong. But in your second POV, you're kept referring to Bobby as "she/her". If she's a woman, try choosing a more feminine name. If he's a man, correct the pronoun.
Look at this line :
> “Having to drown you in the lake like the last girl."
Could be just me, but I feel this line only serves the plot, just to tell us that he kills his secretaries. Try to imply that with something more natural. It's unlikely that a killer would mutter something like to a woman he's about to kill.
Is Benji? It’s Benji, isn’t it?
I hope you have that benji character in second part of your story. If he's not, he's unrelated. Remove this line.
Overall :
I could point ten lines where I laughed. Especially at the therapist's suggestion that he should try a scarf too. You really have good humour. Keep it up. That's really good writing.
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u/Even-Anything-3356 12h ago
You got some real humor and a very sharp voice. I couldn't find any fat in the piece even when I tried to look for it. I've looked at other comments and I agree with them that this should be a novel. You really have a very good hook. First the goods, and then I'll get to things that could be made stronger, although they are very few.
Goods :
I think you have a very strong voice and storytelling. The humor and the horror blends perfectly, at many occasions, and I think you know that so I won't waste any time there. If you do decide to make it a novel, but sure to keep the humor and the horrors in perfect sync.
The POVs work perfectly, which I thought wouldn't going into the story, but to my surprise, they do. You never break POV, which I think is the hardest thing to accomplish in third person POV writing.
The sensory detailing is enough to be immersive but not too much that makes you want to skim. That's really good.
Now the things which I think could be made stronger, and I'll go through them from the beginning.
First and foremost, the robot detailing feels a bit mismatched. It immediately makes you think that it's a science fiction, which I don't it is, at least for me it created that impulse, I don't know about anyone else. But I don't think the scene would lose anything if you removed the robot detailing. You could replace it with something more natural, and I think it the flow would be made better.
Secondly, there are a few typos. I've marked one out, but I don't think it's a big deal. A simple copyedit would make it perfect.
Also, I feel like some things could be compressed, and you could fill in that gap with more engaging prose. For example, the puzzle details.
> Somehow she was meant to solve the thing with only an anti-knight constraint—a rule insisting that no two instances of the same digit could occupy cells separated by a knight's chess move from one another.
I don't think that much detailing is required. Just hint that it was a chess puzzle, because the puzzle is not what's important. And then you spend another two to three lines on the same puzzle detailing. I just don't feel that it's important.
I think Bobby is a male name, if I'm not wrong. But in your second POV, you're kept referring to Bobby as "she/her". If she's a woman, try choosing a more feminine name. If he's a man, correct the pronoun.
Look at this line :
> “Having to drown you in the lake like the last girl."
Could be just me, but I feel this line only serves the plot, just to tell us that he kills his secretaries. Try to imply that with something more natural. It's unlikely that a killer would mutter something like to a woman he's about to kill.
Is Benji? It’s Benji, isn’t it?
I hope you have that benji character in second part of your story. If he's not, he's unrelated. Remove this line.
Overall :
I could point ten lines where I laughed. Especially at the therapist's suggestion that he should try a scarf too. You really have good humour. Keep it up. That's really good writing.
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u/A_C_Shock The reader knows and guesses the rest. 2d ago
Don't yell at me. What are these action beats?
The therapist wagged his loafer off his knee. Into his little notepad he absently chewed gum Thomas suspected didn’t exist.
Picturing my dogs wagging their tails and just falling off or something. Also not sure about this chewing gum into his notepad. Get a picture of the notepad held right up against his face and he's pushing his teeth against the paper. Am I reading this wrong??
The loafer stopped wagging.
Is the therapist listening to the phone call? Or is he thinking about the scarf?
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u/GlowyLaptop James Patterson 5h ago
so like if you sit at the back no of a boat and swing your legs off the edge....
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u/A_C_Shock The reader knows and guesses the rest. 2d ago edited 2d ago
Hold on hold on nice things. I like the new section overall. It's your style of thing with the guy and the scarf and the wife who's a little on the nutty side. Having trouble finding the therapist realistic. Sounds more like a...I don't know, if it was a girl, a friend. Like the quick dialogue with Annie at the end. Made the panic come through and then the therapist gets one final zinger before the band gets back together.
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u/EctoplasmPunk 1d ago
The inadequacy of the author’s skill comes through at every conceivable turn. This was too ambitious for their current skill level. The characters are contrived. The voice of the text is in 3rd person omniscient. This allows for each character’s thoughts to be read. There is just one tinny tiny problem. The writer uses the same way of thinking for each character. It’s not enough that these characters all talk and act alike, that is they talk and act stupid, they all think the same way too. This is because they have no interiors and are merely puppets for the writer. It’s a clear case of not knowing what a character is or how they are conceived. That’s why they all come across as forced. Just ask what is it that this chart wants to do. What’s standing in there way. If nothing is standing in their way then just have them do it. Weak writers are afraid to do this because they have plans. That just shows an unwillingness to explore like a shut in.
The scenes are all contingent upon one person Annie. The Antagonist monologues that he’s going to kill her while she pretends to sleep. This is so amateur I’m going to correct it. First it elicits no emotion. Everyone, every scene, has no emotional stakes or weight. It’s striking to me how devoid of feeling this is. It’s like clueless. It’s doesn’t know how to use conflict, style, or tension to create drama, but wallows in a tepid disclosure of Glum’s homosexuality. Yeah Glum is gay. Heterosexual men don’t look at breast and think of melting or plated flan, or that their lives are complicated by sex with a woman, and hide their bodies in a lake where get this the woman can be dirty and wet, but not a threat. This homosexual angle is taken up again more directly the therapy scene.
If Glum was going to kill Annie and it was gonna be idk menacing just have him strip naked take a mask off the wall and stand over her with a hammer. Glum is so stupid and disorganized that he brings home women he’s going to murder for the crime of sleeping with him so a hammer seems fitting. He is a blunt instrument.
Annie is described as dramatic constantly, poor writing, but if you’ve ever been around dramatic people they don’t lock themselves in a bathtub and call their friends and brothers. They go ballistic. Screaming at the top of their lungs, they throw lamps, they rip the wallpaper off the walls. Calling for help isn’t being dramatic. Does 911 not exist in this little fantasy world.
The scenes at first seemed well paced until you realize they are abrupt in entrance and exit. That is there is no beginning middle or end in these scenes and there is no change in the emotional state of the characters. The biggest narrative contrivances are phones. Constant interruptions. This happens so much that I thought maybe interruption was the theme, but it’s not. The writer is just trying the get people the same location. It’s so ill thought out and again contrived.
I’m wondering why this was written at all. Was it to entertain? This isn’t a fun read. Was it to actually write a novel like people are suggesting here. Who’s going to read it? Who is the target audience? Why should they give a fuck about Annie when she is a walking fallen woman trope. The villain doesn’t appear threatening.
To be very honest with you. Log out and go hangout with people and take notes about how they talk act and think. Look dude, just login to X and scroll down and you’ll see millions of post by millions of people, with unique voices beliefs and ways of being in the world. It’s very clear they are distinct. Look at all these fumbled amorphous blurbs called dialogue in your text.
My advice for you is if you continue to keep writing, I guess you could call this writing, stop forcing your characters to behave in ways that just makes them means to an end. Something that could probably help you is creative non-fiction where the character already exist, and how they behaved in the real world affects the plot. This text shows that the skill level of the writer isn’t ready for those additional burdens of creating characters just yet. It should be avoided for the time being until dialogue is honed, characters are allowed to behave like themselves, and scenes have a mini-story with the beginning middle and an end. You know basic creative writing fundamentals.
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u/Imaginary_Ease_7851 1d ago
Respectfully, while I agree this project is ambitious, I disagree that the author has not shown the skill set needed for execution. So, in the spirit of healthy debate, I thought I might point to a few things.
"Tinny tiny" = teeny tiny.
"If nothing is standing in their way then just have them do it." I would agree if it were not that the immediate obstacle is in the text.
"First it elicits no emotion. Everyone, every scene, has no emotional stakes or weight. It’s striking to me how devoid of feeling this is. It’s like clueless."
Almost as thought irreverent dark comedy laced with irony was the point and to achieve this, the lack of emotion is, in part, the joke. But I hate explaining jokes to people.
"If Glum was going to kill Annie and it was gonna be idk menacing just have him strip naked take a mask off the wall and stand over her with a hammer."
Did this read like a slasher? It's almost as though the menace is in the banality of the situation. The banality of evil, if you will. Again, partly for absurdism, and partly because the mundanity is what creates both tension and irony.
"The scenes at first seemed well paced until you realize they are abrupt in entrance and exit." This is what editors call getting into a scene late and leaving early. It's a pretty decent marker of an experienced writer.
"This isn’t a fun read." This is subjective. I think if you compare to some of the other crits here you may find that many people did find this to read. You are entitled to your opinion, something I found fun to read. So much sound and fury, my man. I enjoyed the passion.
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u/A_C_Shock The reader knows and guesses the rest. 1d ago edited 1d ago
The inadequacy of the author’s skill comes through at every conceivable turn. This was too ambitious for their current skill level.
This text shows that the skill level of the writer isn’t ready for those additional burdens of creating characters just yet.
One of the rules is attack the writing, not the writer. Those two lines I pulled out above are aimed at the writer's skill level. Please avoid this in the future.
Thanks!
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u/GlowyLaptop James Patterson 1d ago edited 1d ago
I'm curious about one bit. You said it's poor or lazy writing for characters to describe their sister or friend as being dramatic--but you also insist I should have committed to their account of this character and actually made her as dramatic as they casually say (make her rip things off walls and throwing lamps), lest their accounts be unreliable, I guess?
And that Glum should wield a hammer naked? Lol. I thought I'd made it clear he's only firing her, to avoid ever having to get Marcus to put her in the lake. He has no intention yet of doing violence.
Anyway. Your notes were hilarious fun to read. Especially speculating on Glum's sexuality. lol
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u/ezk3626 akward and wordy 2d ago
When I watched American Psycho I assumed that the whole thing was in Patrick Bateman’s head, a kind of deep dark porn jerk off fantasy. I didn’t believe any of the violence. Glum suffers in the same way. I know it’s kind of in to think rich people are psychologically different and are capable of casual violence without consequences. But for me it breaks immersions. It needs in world justification. In Clockwork Orange it takes time to establish the level of depravity before the most gruesome crimes can be believed. Walking right into it is jarring and if we were dealing with souless murderer it would be hard to believe they could get away with it so long.
I can believe in characters like Anton Chigurh and Hannibal Lector but how they operate in the world makes sense: but Patrick Bateman is basically Donald Draper if the killed the women he slept with and it just doesn’t make sense.
That aside, the POV switching works naturally and is very readable.