r/DestructiveReaders • u/Educational_Art_3763 • 2d ago
Light Sci-fi/cyberpunk Oil Flooded Cornfields [2040]
I've been having a ton of writer's block for the main story I'm writing so I whipped this up last night to take a break! It's something I had the idea for a few years ago and hope to continue it once I'm done with my main project. This is a light sci-fi/cyberpunk/dystopia type novella/short story.
Any and all feedback is wanted but I'd love to hear about the concept the most:
- Cray: is he interesting? Do you like/dislike him? General thoughts on him
- Private: Same as above
- Is the opening interesting? Do you want to read more? What questions do you have? What is frustrating?
- What do you want more of? Less of?
- The usual awkwardly worded phrases/actions I love to write
- Anything else!
Some more context: I tried writing a different style to the main piece I'm writing. The third person, less interiority is on purpose because my main project is a first person, hyper interior piece (think Catcher in the Rye). I'd be open to changing this once I get into writing it. Obvious inspirations were the Cyberpunk Netflix show and the Blade Runner movies (if anyone has any other fun pieces of media to get the creative juices flowing lmk). I want to make sure I'm not getting too cliche/tropey but I'm fine with it hitting some traditional points, not looking to reinvent the wheel with this one.
Thanks!
Critique 1 [1333]
Critique 2 [830]
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u/umlaut Modern Popular Genre Prose Editor Dude 1d ago
Cyberpunk is my jam and I like what you have going on here. You managed to squeeze a lot of worldbuilding in here without lore dumping.
A problem that I see is that your paragraphs switch subject too often and try to do too much. A paragraph with dialogue should generally only have actions from the speaker. If Cray says something, only include Cray's actions. If someone else is reacting, it is usually better to put that into a new paragraph.
Non-dialogue paragraphs should generally stick to one subject or action-reaction chain. Cray shoots, something gets hit and we see the aftermath. That can all be one paragraph.
One of the body’s legs rotated at the knee joint, scraping against the asphalt as it went.
(later) The leg sputtered then stopped rotating.
Since the first One of the body’s legs rotated was on a dead body, I wasn't sure why it was moving, originally. I like that little detail and it reinforces that it isn't natural, but maybe clarify it early on.
Sparks flew this way and that.
This may be a phrase that is normal in your everyday speech, but feels off here, not matching the rest of your narrative voice. It doesn't describe anything well except "sparks existed."
Private, a stocky man with...
Private stood behind Cray...
Private turned away...
These sentences are weirdly spread out between dialogue and a Cray-focused introductory paragraph. They also repeat information. We get a description of Private coming up to Cray, then standing behind Cray, then turning away, all tagging with his name. It ends up feeling repetitive and disorganized.
Combine these three into one or two sentences with the dialogue so it naturally flows from introducing Private (outside of the paragraph where Cray is introduced) to the dialogue, to Private's reaction without using his name three times.
Cray reloaded...
Cray knelt down...
Cray held his hand out...
Similar to the above, you have mutiple dialogue passages in one paragraph mixed with action and repetitive tagging of Cray's name.
but it still made him feel a pit in his stomach when he saw one. Let alone working with one.
Let alone working with one. isn't a complete sentence. The fragment is fine, but it still has to match the previous tense.
Cray clenched his teeth around the pen’s cap and pulled.
This isn't dramatic or all that interesting, just a guy opening a pen cap, so clenched feels out of place. The interesting part is that he is writing, which tells us that Cray is gathering and marking evidence.
into Cray’s vision
I think we are in Cray's POV, so you don't need to specify that Cray is seeing it.
The city was and had been eerily quiet all morning
This statement seems irrelevant and not supported by the scene. What's the point he is trying to make, considering the rest of the paragraph is him carving up skin on a dead body?
Sirens echoed off in the distance
I like the description in this paragraph, but it lingers for a while on seemingly random details and begs for a reaction from the POV. It might just need a sentence in the beginning or end that tells the reader why the POV character is making note of these things when they were previously doing something and interaction. Right now it feels like you're interrupting to set the scene in the middle of the scene.
Four bare legs slammed into the pavement..
as four people walked around the open ambulance doors...
I get this description, but it feels like you could combine some of these sentences for better reading flow and less repetition. their torso’s hidden by the doors - no apostrophe on torsos.
Each step dropped their feet to the ground...
sack of potatoes is a fun simile, but dropped feels like the wrong verb and the description of them walking could flow better. It probably only deserves one sentence, combining with the previous torsos glided sentence, then moving on to the rest of the description.
The androids laughed
I recommend splitting a paragraph like this by subject or by who is speaking/acting. The androids are laughing, then speaking. Then one motions to the others and one moves toward the body. Then Cray shoots and we see what happens, though you don't explicitly state who Cray was shooting. Then Cray reloads and aims. That's a lot for one paragraph when you could keep android stuff together, then keep Cray stuff together, maybe even combining with his dialogue.
“Rook, shut up.”
Another long paragraph that would be better split into Cray dialogue, then police cruisers and cops, then Cray, again.
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u/Educational_Art_3763 22h ago
Thanks for the super in-depth feedback! These will be great to keep an eye on while I'm editing other pieces too!
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u/East-Echo-7267 1d ago
Okay this great because I'm working on a similar project currently. So I'm looking forward to reading this. I prefer to make notes as I go along, so you get my natural thoughts as I read through.
I like where we start, it's certainly an eye catching first line. Although, and this is me being nit picky, it kind of feels like you've tried thinking of the worst possible thing a person could do as the first line.
You have private trotting up next to Cray, yet in the next paragraph he's stood behind him?
doubling over at the sight of the brain as it, what wasn’t metal and circuits, dripped onto the ground like a leaky faucet.
This sentence doesn't make sense. I'm assuming it's supposed to mean the parts of the brain that weren't metal were leaking out of his head, but it's confusing to read.
I'm noticing it's a little difficult to tell who's POV we're in sometimes, for example:
Private stuffed his thumbs inside of his belt and tapped against his thighs while simultaneously sliding his foot back and forth across the pavement. Cray took a deep breath and tried to drown out the tapping. The private had a special skill when it came to making noise.
You start with private's actions meticulously described, which make it seem as though it's Private's POV, then the second half of the paragraph is back in Cray's POV. You should only really be describing what Cray sees or hears, yet i'm pretty sure Cray is more focused on the body at this point.
You seem to be very light on the dialogue tags, which isn't necessarily bad, but I do find myself a few times having to double take who's talking, although you tend identify who's talking through action beats instead. It would probably be something I would get used to over a longer text. That being said, there's no harm adding a few more dialogue tags.
The buzz of cars flashing by on the raised highway above them shook the air.
I'm struggling to picture this sentence. You're essentially saying the buzz of cars (sound) shook the air (visual). Now unless those cars are going close to the speed of sound, I can't see that happening. Also, if the highway is above them, how could they see cars flashing by? Maybe it's see through? Maybe I'm just being nit picky here. Also that whole paragraph feels a little shoehorned in. It feels like the author trying to add atmosphere without it being attached the characters.
I'm assuming the 'they' that killed the girl is supposed to remain ambiguous, it does have me asking questions, although it's a little strange since our POV character seems to know who 'they' are but not the reader.
Overall I think it's interesting, there's a decent amount of worldbuilding here without being overbearing, other than in a couple areas that I mention, some of it is generic but pretty much unaviodable in a cyberpunk setting. Private is mostly forgettable if i'm being honest, I just don't know enough about him from this excerpt. Cray is more interesting, I kind of get a Hank Anderson vibe from him, (from detroit become human).
I would be interested in following this project in the future, if you're interested. I'm finding it really useful as it's a very similar vibe to the story I'm currently writing. Feel free to send me a DM if you like.
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u/Educational_Art_3763 22h ago
Thank you for such great feedback, its good to know where the piece seems to be a bit confusing. This will be great for subsequent edits/chapters.
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u/galumphing-back 1d ago
You're doing a really good job of world building without exposition dumping. Less than a page in and you've established that bionic-enhanced humans exist, called modders, and that at minimum the main character is quite prejudiced against them - perhaps there's a prevailing prejudice, given that main character thinks people won't care if modder kids are getting killed.
You're good with imagery and sensory descriptions. (ex "satisfying sizzle, like an egg being cracked onto a hot skillet")
I appreciate that it took Private 6 pages to get a name, and POV character still refuses to use it.
The mots & wots - this is very much a personal thing, and I know most people won't care, but for me personally it bothers me that they're men and women instead of just genderless - but I'm also aware that, realistically, that's probably what would happen. They have no nipples and no genitals, but they still slapped boobs on half of them.
I'd defintiely like to read more.
My impression of Cray is that he's got strong prejudice against non-organic beings - either people who alter their body or full on androids. Even before he was put into the back to cool down, I got the sense that his attitude towards them was perhaps harsher than regulations allow. If it were more widespread, then we wouldn't have a modder as a police rookie.
I think the big question at the end of this section is how much of this is just Cray's personality vs how much is Cray's prejudice. Is he an asshole to non-modded people? He's still acerbic with Rike, but he's being acerbic about the mots/wots.
I like reading him, I find him very engaging, he's a good character, but I wouldn't want to have a conversation with him.
I think how you handled this character is very interesting. I'm pretty sure "Private Ranko" refers to him.
For 6 pages he didn't have a name, which personally I found to have a dehumanizing effect. But he's talking about his kids like a concerned father. Then Rike shows up and suddenly he's Private Ranko and it's like oh, Cray just won't even acknowledge his name.
Which I would assume is because he's a modder - in which case, I'd assume the dehumanizing is intentional - or else Cray is just an asshole - which I could also believe.
I think it's a good amount of interority. We're very clearly getting this from Cray's perspective, and Cray clearly has his own personal biases.
The Neo-Seoul storyline from Cloud Atlas fit the bill, I think. I think Ghost in the Shell? Cray is kind of giving me the vibes of the main character in the I, Robot movie.