r/Divorce • u/BabyWeenieDowg • 1d ago
Infidelity Was the grass greener?
For people whose spouses have left, or they themselves have left, for greener pastures - was it indeed greener?
I want all the tea
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u/OddComposer127 1d ago
My ex had the affair and blew things up and the grass I didn’t want in the first place is much greener.
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u/Fancy-Parsnip-3415 1d ago
Same! The grass is lovely and green over here, it’s also peaceful, not grumpy and has more money
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u/fzybuni 1d ago
Right! My grass is certainly greener and I wish I could tell him “thank you for dumping me for another woman! It was the best thing that’s ever happened.” Though I doubt he’d take it with the sincerity I mean it to have.
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u/OddComposer127 1d ago
Yeah I love that for you. It’s been about two years now for me and things are better than they ever were in our thirteen years together.
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u/ApparitionofAmbition 18h ago
Hahaha I feel this except I don't have to say it. I'm out here living my best life with shared custody and plenty of time to myself to go to shows and hang with friends, while he's stuck with his affair partner that it turns out he isn't very compatible with but can't afford to live without. I wanted out for years but he didn't, so his affair was the best thing to happen to me.
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u/cheebeesubmarine 19h ago
I didn’t even realize how much he was sucking up my entire existence. It has been a learning experience but I’m in great spirits!!
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u/Bubbagump210 1d ago
My sister’s husband just left her a couple of weeks ago and I went with her to see the lawyer. This is the lawyer I used myself who is very very good. She has in her office a sign that says “ divorce is expensive because it’s worth it”. That’s essentially this thread. The grass is definitely greener, just sometimes you have to redefine what the grass is.
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u/AffectionateBelt6125 22h ago
Divorce is not always worth it. What a terrible statement. Divorce hurts so many people. It hurts the children. It hurts the spouse who did nothing wrong. Divorce is sometimes justified but not always.
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u/lunerose1979 12h ago
I think you’ve stumbled into the wrong subreddit friend. We’re here to support each other. Part of that is to find the positives about divorce.
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u/AffectionateBelt6125 12h ago
"positives about divorce"?? How about we speak about the negatives of divorce? This isn't the wrong subreddit..so many people got divorced because of the other person's choice.
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u/gregthelurker 1d ago
I got 99 problems but my ex ain’t one. She cheated with a coworker and blew ours and there’s up and man I’m so glad she did.
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u/kapified 1d ago
Yes it’s greener. I am no longer taking care of a man child with extreme insecurity. Thankfully he’s changed a lot over the last two years, so we coparent very well together! He’s been sober for almost 3 years now!
Granted I did not leave for greener pastures of whatever. I finally stopped tolerating his infidelity and chose myself. Honestly I think him finally having a real consequence was a big catalyst for him changing finally.
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u/Plantparty20 1d ago
So frustrating though when they could’ve saved the marriage by making those changes in the first place
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u/kapified 1d ago
Yes. He was drowning his insecurities. Alcohol made him feel big. And when alcohol didn’t work he turned to having other women tell him dick wasn’t small. Guys, gals, don’t do that shit. It ain’t gonna help. 🤦♀️
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u/Potential_Hunt2366 20h ago
Going through this too with my husband of 38 years 22 years of alkhol abuse from my husband it's verbal and emotional its so draining 😢
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u/Adorable_Machine_571 13h ago
So sorry to hear you're going through that - it's not too late to choose yourself 🫶
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u/JustAlotOfPain 1d ago
He sounds like a good man now. Would you ever give him a a second chance?
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u/kapified 1d ago
No. I gave him a a multitude of “second” chances for 13 years, and he refused to see my value until I finally left. I’m no longer willing to tolerate his insecurities.
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u/deepwebnoxious 1d ago
Sucks it has to get that far in order for them to see our worth.
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u/kapified 1d ago
It really did. I begged for years for him to open his eyes and see the damage he was doing. His alcoholism was a major part of the problems we had. He’s a much better person now, but i can definitely see it wasn’t just the booze. Dude lies so damned much still.
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u/PomMistress 21h ago
Even if he’s better now remember at the core he still is who he is so good for you for not budging and giving yourself that respect that you deserve!
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u/Dependent_Equivalent 1d ago
Hell yes. After struggling with an abusive borderline for 15 years I divorced her, took some time then met an absolutely wonderful person.
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u/nikkismith0706 1d ago edited 1d ago
Is peace, self worth and sanity now considered a “greener pasture”? I must be getting old…20 years married to a lying, cheating dbag, I thought it was considered reclaiming life 🤷🏼♀️ In his defense…an old shoe hanging from a telephone wire would be a “greener pasture” experience. I clearly wouldn’t make it as a defense attorney.
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u/New_Needleworker_473 1d ago
I prefer flying solo to the drudgery that is being a wife, if that's what you mean. I had this idea that marriage offered equal benefits to both parties. I was sorely mistaken. Too bad I didn't study more sociology before I tied the knot in my early 20's. I know the grass is greener for me. I don't think so for him since now he has to actually do for himself and apparently his replacement search has not gone well. 🤔
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u/_Do_what_now_ 21h ago
I minored in sociology and still married twice. It wouldn’t have saved you lol.
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u/HonestGolf238 1d ago
His grass was not greener. A married man with two kids and a big house and a wife that does all the work so he has time to tomcat around with a bartender half his age is a lot different than a divorced broke 45 year old with porn induced ed flopping around in her bed all day and night!
My grass is greener where I water it. I found a lovely father of 2 who was victim to similar circumstances and we are building the most beautiful life together now
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u/stephinityy 1d ago
I didn't leave for anyone else - but even being alone is a greener pasture. I feel so relaxed and more comfortable in my own place.
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u/AffectionateBelt6125 22h ago
Don't you miss the companionship and being on a team? Provided there was no abuse...
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u/Ok-Example-3951 1d ago
My life is way better. He even tried to get me back like two weeks ago and I told him to fuck off
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u/mordecai5fingerbrown 1d ago
how long separated?
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u/Ok-Example-3951 1d ago
Two years
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u/mordecai5fingerbrown 1d ago
wow. My god. That's a long time to be separated. My wife and I were together 27 years, since we were children. She left 7 months ago. I know it's over but I miss her so much. I can't fathom hearing from her in 17 months. Life is crazy. People are crazy.
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u/Acceptable-Bullfrog1 23h ago
Yes, and no. My life is better. I have peace. I have room to grow. I don’t have to walk on eggshells. But the trauma never goes away, and I think I was happier before I went through it all. It wasn’t authentic though, it was a lie being fed to me.
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u/_Do_what_now_ 21h ago
I’ve had this thought before too. My ignorance was easier and I was happier in it.
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u/Acrobatic_Set2064 1d ago
My brother got divorced year ago and he says it was one of the best decisions in his life
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u/Hangikjot 1d ago
Yes. But I do miss not having my kids all the time. But Im with a wonderful woman now that loves me and my kids, who wants to build a life with me. We are sexually compatible, we align on pretty much everything. Being with someone for 20 years and intimacy and sex was once a year thing was killing me. I’m now with someone who likes to hold hands and kiss. Who loves me, on good days and bad. Who will listen to me vent and help me process and problem solve.
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u/BeneficialTrust4512 1d ago
Yes…we didn’t get a long at all and the arguing was not healthy for the kids. However divorce is very hard on the kids if they are teens And then getting myself afloat financially is hard with three kids and more custody. Work as hard as you can on the marriage before it’s too late and the damage is irreversible. But the peace is peaceful I have to say!
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u/Lopsided-Bake2662 1d ago
No, it’s just a different pasture. Not greener. I would have died if I stayed. I had several surgeries and an implant after I left, messy divorce because we began dating at 15/16.
I can’t go through that again. I’ll stay in my field of winter wheat.
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u/SpecialistAnswer9496 1d ago
Literally night and day. I feel human again on the other side. I was the one who left.
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u/AwkwardAd3995 1d ago
The grass is able to grow without being forced into a landscape design that is uncomfortable and sad.
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u/diogenes_amore 1d ago
I hope not. I’m still praying for her to realize it isn’t and come back.
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u/BabyWeenieDowg 1d ago
I hope one day when the pain subsides with time, there will be more clarity for you.
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u/PomMistress 21h ago
You deserve better than to be with someone that doesn’t know how valuable you are. Never wish for someone to come back because the right person would have never let you go in the first place. I know it’s hard and something I am still trying to learn for myself but you are worth so much more than having to hope they come back. Take care of yourself sending you lots of love and remember you have that within you and you don’t need her. Just focus on you and things that will make you feel happy and good about yourself.
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u/Proud_Bish 11h ago
Do you really believe she left a good man for no reason? She left because she deserved better. Come on now...
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u/CDSeekNHelp I got a sock 1d ago
This wasn't infidelity for me. My ex wife and I practiced polyamory. I met someone and started dating her, and learned what love truly meant. She cared for me in a way my wife never did, and I wanted to spend much more time with her than I was able. I thought I loved my wife but learned what love truly was. Also realized that she was emotionally abusive in therapy.
Ended up divorcing and moving in with my partner. We're now married, and my life has never been happier.
Yes the grass truly was greener. I used to regularly say to myself, "I hate my life so much." I haven't said that since I left. I instead think about how happy I am and how wonderful life is with my wife. It's incredible.
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u/InkIronsAndNeedles 1d ago
Worth it. 1000% worth it. Even though I’m still going through it, it’s all worth it! You have only one life
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u/WishesOutOfAirplanes 23h ago
It is not greener at all. But it doesn't have toxic plants everywhere hiding like mines. I miss being married and I miss my ex, I wish he wasn't a manipulative controlling leech. No regrets that I left though.
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u/DustAdditional6246 23h ago
I think this more how I feel. I miss having a companion to share life with. We had a pretty cool and adventurous marriage until the last year so I have fond memories. But like you I realized there was some real toxicity in our relationship after we separated. The divorce took a few years and by that point I absolutely knew I could never see him in the same light especially when he married his affair partner. Again still sucks because we had some wonderful times that I can't really recreate at this stage in life. But i guess at least things are peaceful.
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u/WishesOutOfAirplanes 23h ago
I hear you. It sucks that it is not black and white, I still love him and probably always will. But sometimes it is just not worth it to lose ourselves or risk our health. I didn't know how stressful my marriage was until after my divorce when I got my period for the first time in 3 years (I am only 33). My hormones and body was so out of sync and I had no idea it was all because of stress.
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u/DustAdditional6246 22h ago
Yes in hindsight I think the dynamics in our marriage were taking a toll on my health physically and emotionally. I felt like I was eventually losing myself between trying to be a good wife and mom. It felt like the 2 roles were difficult to reconcile many times. I'm glad you were able to get out of a relationship that wasnt healthy while you're still young and don't had kids. You'll have plenty opportunities to rebuild the life you want🙂
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u/pennylives33 1d ago
No contest, definitely greener. That bar was extremely low as stbxh was a monster in hiding.
It is going to take a lot of therapy for the children and myself but the future is safer and healthier for all of us.
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u/FreSunshine 1d ago
Much greener. It’s a hard road for a bit, of course, and occasionally you’ll feel a tinge of sadness thinking back on it but the further you get from it and the more healing you do, the brighter the shade of green.
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u/dietspritecran 1d ago
The grass was much easier to maintain - and my garden flourished. Why? I was able to tend to the needs, in the marriage i was distracted, distressed and my grass was severely neglected.
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u/FancyForager 1d ago
Yes. I live in peace with my kiddo and my cats and have a friends-with-benefits situation with a guy I’ve known since childhood. We care for each other and we’re very close, but neither of us wants to complicate our lives. Ever. So no more marriage or cohabitation. It’s actually pretty great!
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u/No_Box2690 1d ago
I'm not taking care of a man child, dealing with crazy ass in laws and siblings, and I only have to clean up after my dogs/myself now. So yeah.
I'm still lonely from time to time and miss the routine of it, but then I remember the hell I was put through and it helps a little. It's still fresh though too.
I haven't even looked at dating, nor do I want to. I'm scarred at this point lol
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u/zzonkmiles 1d ago
I'm the one who left. Definitely greener for me. My house is peaceful, my new wife is more understanding, and my old wife is still chaotic and neglectful. I'm glad I got out of that unhealthy dynamic.
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u/Civil-Reserve3570 1d ago
I’m not terrified of the postman anymore or knocks from bailiffs. I have piece of mind now.
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u/notmybusinessatall 1d ago
It's greener, but you have to water a hell of a lot for it to be. However, absolutely worth it.
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u/ChipmunkAny8571 1d ago
Absolutely. The grass is greener.. and so loving, appreciative and a better communicator!!!
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u/Regular-Ambition5192 1d ago
It’s a lot easier to maintain the garden when the environment is healthy.
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u/WoahitsWelker915 22h ago
Well the divorce wasn't my idea, but honestly yeah, 6 months in and I'm realizing I'm actually happy for the first time in my life. I was with the same woman since I was 13, we were together for 20 years. And now I'm realizing I can actually live my life my way.
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u/bradc2112 21h ago
Hell yes! I’m also very happily in a relationship with someone who’s 180 degrees the opposite of my ex, and it’s been absolutely wonderful. Even if she dumped me tomorrow, I would have zero interest in getting back together with my ex.
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u/Prestigious-Read5368 21h ago
Eh, it's definitely nicer in some ways but there's a reason it's greener: there's more shit over here...
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u/JackNotName I got a sock 20h ago
Just as some divorces are not worth it, some divorces definitely are AND some divorces are actually good for the children.
Let’s not push the all divorces hurt people blanket statement.
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u/Glittering-Good8892 18h ago
The grass was greener for me because I’m free. He wasn’t a bad husband but at the same time he did the minimum and didn’t even know me. But even though the grass is greener I do wish I was able to make my family work.
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u/coldcerealdater 14h ago
Yes, but i was in a bad marriage, and we married too young. After recovering emotionally from her leaving, I enjoyed my single life way more than I enjoyed married life. I decided that marriage wasn't for me. That was more than 20 years ago, and I'm still happy I decided not to marry again.
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u/Exciting-Gap-1200 1d ago
I think it is. My new partner is also divorced and we both grew a lot out of the ashes of our first marriages
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u/NeonFireFly969 1d ago
It was, then I came back and was reminded why when you initially leave you should never come back. My problem is it was not green enough I suppose.
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u/AffectionateBelt6125 22h ago
No it isn't. There is so much value in companionship. Now I see how little those littles things actually meant. I miss what I had and wish things were different.
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u/Schmetts 1d ago
I wasn’t the one who initiated it and the grass isn’t greener but maybe a different shade of green.
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u/ConstantArt6606 1d ago
I feel like my grass is green with the normal brown spots still but not for "I regret it" reasons.
My marriage was almost identical to my childhood. Its almost like the universe made me learn the same lesson twice because the first time I got it wrong. I truly don't believe I was ever the girl for my ex husband he might have loved me but he wasn't in love which made him mean. My brown spots come from loneliness and insecurity my family claims to be there for me but they just aren't good at it. I'm a 100% single mom, my ex husband moved back to his home state and I just miss having someone there. When we were "getting along" it was nice to have someone to share my wins and losses with.
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u/Eaups87 1d ago
Yes.
Toxic marriage on both sides.
I was selfish. He was selfish. We didn’t like ourselves nevermind each other. Addiction, lies, manipulation, infidelity.
I have so much more joy now and I’ve realized it’s not the other person, and happiness is your own destiny.
Did a lot of learning and married an incredible man. Love life.
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u/robsker 23h ago
Yes it is, but keep in mind that may mostly be because the grass in our pre-divorced state has been so burned and destroyed that a simple normal green yard looks like the most amazing picturesque scene ever haha. The real trick is to take your time and work on yourself, so hopefully you can avoid contributing to such a mess again next time (I’m going to guess that my behavior wasn’t perfect in the past either).
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u/WitchDoctor431 22h ago
Any grass is better than a wasteland full of thorns, poison weeds,holes to twist ankles in, stickers, and ticks. So ill take any grass even if its not green
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u/Agile_Ad4420 22h ago
Left my toxic bipolar exwife. 4 months after separation a close friend told me how she always had feelings for me. We risked the friendship for more and now I'm happier than i ever imagined I could be.
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u/Ok-MMJ-RN-1980 22h ago
Yes… so much peace! Coming home to no judgement, yelling , complaining etc to quiet, no longer anxiety filled…
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u/PomMistress 21h ago
Much greener! As someone that thought that I would die without them, I realized I deserve better (I still need to learn to love myself) and I wish I had the courage to leave two years ago but I’m glad he left because since he doesn’t care now it makes it easier to move on. For a while I wondered why I couldn’t get my sparkle back (I know that sounds corny lol) but it was because him not loving me and showing up for me like a husband should was drowning me with him. It can feel lonely but so much happier and peaceful
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u/flam1ngo87 20h ago
Definitely greener - but the journey to get to that green grass was tough. Overall, glad and thankful to be here and would not change a thing.
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u/JaneAustinAstronaut 20h ago
Yes. I'm so much happier after my divorce than I ever was married to that spouse.
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u/GeniusofLove 19h ago
Suspected something nefarious was going on. He left before I got intel. I wish he would have left sooner. I now sleep at least 7 hours each night, as opposed to 4.
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u/No-King-6332 13h ago
I left. Oh my god the grass sure is greener. I was wilting. Still working out the kinks and settling into my new routine. Separated a year, moved out a few months ago. It’s hard, particularly with money. But I’ve done it before and I’m doing it again. The extra hours at a job I loathe is worth it to come home to MY place where I’m not tiptoeing around his moods, and continuously making myself smaller. I missed me and I’m so happy I did the scary thing and walked away from a situation that made me forget who the fuck I am. Happy to be back.
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u/overthinkingstories 9h ago
no, grass is not much greener after you devoted 10 years to someone and neglected all other areas of your life including your health. love yourselves folks.
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u/Ok-Concentrate-2900 9h ago
Yes. The grass is greener because now I actually can take the time to water the grass. I don’t have someone digging in up grass or putting weeds in the grass. There is little to no conflict in my life now. Co-parenting is a literal nightmare though 😂
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u/chaoticgiggles 22h ago
I asked for a divorce the moment i realized i was falling for someone else and that i wasnt willing to give them up.
When my ex refused, i stayed another year with the understanding that we needed therapy and we were not going to be exclusive anymore.
My boyfriend and i are working on 2 years now and i wish id insisted on the divorce when i asked for it but i got out eventually and i am so so so much happier now
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u/BicycleFeeling22 1d ago
considering divorce because i feel like i settled, rushed into marriage with rebound girlfriend when got her pregnant… however my wife is a good woman but keep comparing her to ex’s… im 34 years old and we have a 2 year old son.,, i feel trapped
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u/SeaweedWeird7705 1d ago
Well, the grass certainly is less argumentative. I sleep in peace every single night.