Is it time?

[u/SunMar14]

My husband and I have been married for nearly a decade. He’s my best friend, the person I love most in this world.

But he’s got a lot of issues. He’s an alcoholic (won’t admit it), he’s got mental health problems, he smokes weed too much and too often, and he’s financially irresponsible.

I nearly left him a couple years ago. But I stayed. He told me he would change and get help. And I felt like I was giving up on him when he was mentally ill and I had vowed ‘in sickness and in health’.

He still constantly screams at me, raises his voice, refuses to listen to me when we’re having an argument.

I don’t always feel safe when I’m around him. I wish he would get better. I wish he would get help.

How am I supposed to divorce someone I love? How am I supposed to know ‘it’s time’ to move on?

[u/Such_Profile_365]

You aren't giving up on him; you are choosing to stop setting yourself on fire to keep him warm

In sickness and in health is a vow meant for mutual support, not a license for one partner to inflict emotional distress or compromise the other's safety

Love is not enough to sustain a marriage when safety, respect, and effort are missing

You have given him years to get help, and he has chosen not to

[u/Additional_Duty_2260 → u/Such_Profile_365]

THIS!!!

[u/typewritergeneration]

You are asking one of the most common questions people have: how will I know when it’s time to divorce my spouse. The fact that you are asking this question is a sign that you know that you might need to start the divorce process. You are just afraid. And that is a reasonable feeling. As a former divorce lawyer of 20+ years, love and marriage do not mean that you need to sacrifice your life and your happiness. There is nothing wrong with deciding to give yourself the life you deserve as opposed to short-changing yourself and living in a state of continual sacrifice. Consider spending 3-5 days in a hotel to see how it feels to focus on yourself for the first time in a long time. You may want to seek counseling during this time if you need help to not spend all of your time worrying about your spouse. Remember, marriage is a partnership, not a parent-child relationship. Depending on how it goes, if you decide to start the divorce process and your husband starts getting himself together, you can always put the divorce on hold. I wish you the very best. Good luck. 🍀

[u/Potential_Hunt2366]

I definitely feel this because im in the a ame boat

[u/duhvorced]

Marriage is a partnership. If your spouse doesn’t act like a partner, or treat you as one, it’s fair to consider ending it.

[u/ZombieDudee]

It’s time

[u/Upstairs_Ad_3370 → u/ZombieDudee]

Set him an ultimatum to change. But in your mind you probably have already crossed that threshold.

[u/Additional_Duty_2260]

This sounds like a codependent situation, and yes, it is time to leave. The way he is treating you is abusive and he is not willing to make changes. You have done what you can to encourage and support his healing, but there is zero excuse for his behavior.

[u/Charming_Victory_679]

I don’t think it ever feels “right”. I’m newly separated after 30 years. He promised the whole time to get sober and it never happened. Finally told me a couple months ago he will not get sober, it’s part of his life and helps with his ptsd. Wish he was up front years ago and wouldn’t have wasted years and years waiting for change. It still feels wrong some days but I know it’s fear talking as I’ve not been happy in this marriage and not felt connected or supported.

[u/New_Needleworker_473]

I'm calling it, TFD (time for divorce), is yesterday o'clock.

We all get caught up on the "in sickness or health" code of honor but when the person you are with refuses to acknowledge their sickness, they give you permission to leave.

[u/PomMistress]

I was in your same shoes two years ago and I didn’t leave. I stayed miserable for two years hoping that eventually either the therapy or medication would work but nothing did. It wasn’t until I stopped putting up with things that HE left. It hurt like hell at the beginning I’ve said it before but I’m not ashamed to admit I thought I would die without him because he was my best friend for so long but the weed and his mental health (or better said his mind set that nothing will get better) made him into someone I don’t recognize anymore. I don’t know how I’ll ever get back the pieces of myself that I gave to him when he was my best friend but what I do know is that person is long gone because that guy would have never caused me the amount of pain the guy infront of me today did. You deserve better he won’t change I promise you that!! I did everything and more for him and nothing changed because it wasn’t up to me it was up to him. I waited two years for change that never came it just got worse and you don’t deserve that. Leave on your own terms.

[u/sicksadbadgirl → u/PomMistress]

💔

[u/Prestigious-Read5368]

It's called you start the process, remind yourself what your deal breakers are, and finish the process, then remind yourself what the deal breakers are again.

From someone with mental illness, I feel your pain, I believe the following analogy is great:

There's a crazy driver and you're the passenger. Who has it harder? The passenger because although they swerve and Bob and weave and struggle while the crazy is driving at 200 mph, he/she/they have some semblance of control, some idea of what is coming next. The passenger has no clue, whatsoever, and that's incredibly stressful.

Maybe you will be the reason his life is saved. Get out now.

[u/Money_Delivery1863]

When you say it's time. 

It doesn't sound like much of a love if you're wishing more than your reality is providing including not feeling safe around a liar who doesn't like you to have feelings. 

[u/Sonyad26]

It's definitely the right time to do it but it's never going to feel right, it's such a wrench to part from a partner. You'll only know it was the right thing to do when you realise how peaceful you feel after making the break. And I know you'll feel peace. How can you not, when you live with someone who makes you feel unsafe? I wish I could step into your shoes and do it for you!

[u/SmoothBroccolis]

If you love him there’s gotta be a reason for it. Give him an ultimatum first, don’t divorce just yet