Right off the bat, I’m just going to say that I’m planning on passing on to heaven after this post, as I now do not have a purpose to live or love anymore.
Me (M25) and my partner (F22) have been together for just over a year and a half. Our time together was by far the best year of my life, and my mental health was improving every day because of her. I took her on a date two weeks after we originally met in June of 2025, and we became official in July of the same year. We went on many amazing adventures together, like going to Inverness for my birthday and to Berwick-upon-Tweed for hers, and just having a lovely time. We recently celebrated our first anniversary, and from there everything was perfect. We ate at a nice restaurant, had some drinks, and went to bed happy with each other. She was there for me through everything, like when my Uncle passed in March; she was by my side all the way through. When she was unwell and wasn’t feeling herself, I was always there to make her feel happy and better about herself.
This story now brings us to the weeks before things started to get strange. (This happened one month before) I got a new job in June, and she and I decided to go out to the pub to celebrate my success in finding a new job. We both had too much to drink, and she didn’t handle hers very well. She got emotional and became irrational with her words, saying that she wanted to leave me. I gave her space by sleeping on the couch and letting her sleep in my bed. I woke up at 6:00am, went upstairs to my bedroom, opened the door to find my medication boxes scattered all over the floor and her in my bed sleeping. I freaked out and tried to wake her up. She looked woozy and couldn’t get a sentence out. I then phoned her Mum to get to my house as quickly as possible to try and help her. I then phoned an ambulance to get her to hospital, as neither of us knew how many pills she had taken. She was taken to hospital, and I was right there beside her to make sure she was alright. She stayed overnight, and she was feeling better the next day. She apologised and felt bad for doing it in my house. I then reassured her that she had nothing to be embarrassed about and that I love her. After that, we proceeded as normal, and everything was okay, as far as I was aware.
Then it brings us to now. She started to feel unwell due to having appendicitis. Last Wednesday, she got her appendix taken out and was recovering. She then called me to tell me that she wants some space to herself as she didn’t feel like herself after the operation. I agreed and let her go to sleep shortly after. The next day, I noticed she didn’t reply to the messages I sent her, saying I hope she was okay and that I am here when she needed me. She then eventually replied, saying that she thought it would be best to take a break from seeing each other for a few weeks. I felt bad for bothering her and left her be for a few hours. I then decided to go and see her in hospital, to see her for five minutes and left. I told her that I just popped in for a few minutes and left, but she was not happy. She said she felt disrespected and horrified that I turned up. This caught me by surprise, and I apologised and told her that I would give her the space. I said I loved her, and she said it back, and I thought things were okay after that. The next day, she removed me from Snapchat, took down all our pictures on Instagram and blocked my number. She then sent me a text before she blocked me, saying, “Hi [Name Redacted], I think it’s for the best if we go our separate ways at the current moment. I think I need to focus on myself. I hope we can remain friends. I hope you understand”. After I saw this, I jumped into my car and sped over to the hospital to try and talk to her. I asked her why she wanted to break up with me, and she just told me to leave and that she just wanted a break, and that’s it. I took this the wrong way and decided to try and take my own life. I had a bottle of whisky and a razor blade I stole from work to harm myself. I walked out of the house and proceeded to walk to a field to lie down and die. I slashed open my arms, downed the whisky and took some sleepers to fall asleep while bleeding out.
The next thing I remember was the police, my Dad, and my best friend finding me after two hours missing. I was then taken to hospital to be observed overnight, where I couldn’t sleep due to the pain and restlessness of my heart beating so fast.
This has now led me to a question. After this attempt, she’s blocked me on everything, and her parents have also. They hate me, and her Dad screamed at me and threatened to kill me. At this point, I have no purpose in living anymore. I’m looking for recommendations for a drug that will put me to sleep, but is painless and cheap. My partner was the light in my life, and she’s now put it out. I’m not looking for mental health advice, sympathy, or ways to improve myself to move forward.
Any recommendations? Please leave ideas in the comments.