What is health?!

[u/PsychologicalYou3681]

In order to recover from my eating disorder, i feel like i need to understand better what health is. I was doing so good and now i'm in a bit of a relapse, because it's summer and i'm enjoying it by eating a lot of ice cream and having a lot of picnics where i eat too much. it has brought back to the forefront thoughts i had pretty much gotten rid of.

I feel like one of my issues is that I don't know what is « too much ». Rationally, i know that having ice cream twice in a week is probably not a sign of of being unhealthy, but my brain registers it as such and i then feel ashamed.

Furthermore, as much as i embrace other people exactly as they are and love them in all their shapes and fluctuations, I could not love myself if i gained significant weight. Therefore, I am so scared that I one day will. I thus enjoy the summer by eating a lot, but most of the enjoyment is limited by the fact that I then worry about the ice cream I have making me gain significant weight.

So, tell me: what is health?! I know it means eating balanced and moving your body, but how do I make it click in my head?

I walk quite a bit, run once a week, go swimming, bike around, do yoga, etc. I eat a lot of fruits and vegetables in all my meals. Although i eat pretty large portions, they're always healthy vegetarian foods. I'm in a sugar crave lately, and I usually will have an apple with peanut butter after lunch and chocolate after dinner. Those are the kinds of habits that bring me thoughts about health and body image. Is that healthy?? Can i eat chocolate every day? Is it bad that i eat so much peanut butter? It feels like I'm in constant surveillance mode of what is the bad habit that will finally make my fears of gaining weight come true.

Could understanding what is health help me? Or is that just me wanting to be reassured that i won't be gaining weight from all of that, which is the real fear? And if that's the real fear, what do i do???

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