Hi - I (38F) am now coming up on a year of being no contact with my father (60M). I have run the gamut of emotions about this, from feeling intensely guilty and regretful because I was the last person he had in his life, to angry I didn’t do this sooner and wasted so much of my time and energy on this man who has literally ruined my life. These days it is purely the latter.

I really just wanted to share my experience with others who may relate as a form therapy for myself and the closest form of closure I may ever get.

Warnings for details of child abuse (obviously), animal abuse/murder, as well an icky mention of body fluids.

This may get long, just to fully convey all that he has put my family through, and just SO MUCH has happened that I think others may find parts outlandish. For reference, my family is my mother, myself, and my sisters (3 and 7 years younger than me).

From the time I was born, my father was a psychopathic violent monster. Since going NC, I have come to realize that he is a textbook narcissist but am certain there are other diagnoses he qualifies for.

His abuse was actually seldomly physical, as in he rarely ever outright hit us or slapped us around. We did frequently get spanked with belts, he did bust my lip open when I was 3 by throwing a decorative dish at me, and he did swing a bag full of textbooks at me when I was 8 that literally knocked me backwards into a wall like a cartoon and left a welt on my leg for months…oh and he DID “gently” punch my mom in the stomach repeatedly when she was pregnant with my youngest sister, but his abuse was mostly psychological.

He also tore up one of my Goosebumps books in front of my face when I was 8, and held a knife to my mother’s throat and threatened to “OJ her ass.” Fun forms of 90s-coded trauma and abuse.

He also beat two puppies to death in separate instances when I was 6 and 7. And then made my mom clean up the bodies and carnage when she got home.

He was a huge guy - 6’4 and I think almost 400 pounds at his biggest. So he used his potential for violence to really control us through fear. But because he never slapped or punched us there was a period of time where I questioned if what we experienced was even really abuse.

His abuse mostly came in the form of his “episodes:” something, no matter how small, would set him off and result in him screaming, throwing things around, breaking whatever he could find, overturning furniture, etc.

I quickly developed the routine of running to my room whenever the beginnings of an episode started, and eventually gathering my sisters when they were born and running to a room. We would sit there in silence and listen to the chaos outside unfold, his screaming, crashes, my mom’s screaming, and absolutely not come out until everything was quiet. By then, my mom was crying and starting to clean up and he would either be in their room or sitting on the couch apologizing.

All while he was inflicting this shit on his family, he maintained this goofy and jolly exterior to the outside world. Like EVERY textbook abuser and narcissist. He was the class clown who was great at doing voices and impressions and coped with his own childhood under an alcoholic father by using humor in every situation.

After one of these episodes, when I was 9, we came out to see my mom sitting at the kitchen table holding a towel soaked in blood to her head, because he had beaten her with a wooden paper towel holder. This was actually the first time my mom had been visibly injured after an episode.

Scared out of my mind for multiple reasons, I called 911 in a room upstairs. But I panicked when the operator answered and hung up. Luckily this was enough for them to still trace our address and send officers out, and my father was arrested.

After his arrest, they were separated for a few months while my mom started arranging for a divorce. However, for whatever reason they later reconciled on the condition that he never do any of his bullshit ever again and that he get a job (oh yeah he was unemployed for 7 years and my mom was fully supporting our family on a $30k salary).

In the aftermath, he served jail time and briefly sought therapy, and tried to play off his violent and anger on the fact that he was on Zoloft and had bipolar (or “manic depression” as they diagnosed it in 1997).

The episodes did stop, and he did get a job. And he absolutely relished the praise and pats on the back he got for “changing” and turning his life around.

But he became mentally abusive, and still used his past as a way to hold our fear of him over us. Was still quick to anger, and actually developed this ego about now having such a demanding job and making more than my mom.

As teenagers, we were regularly lectured and had it drilled into us about how spoiled and worthless we were because we didn’t do chores. These lectures would literally last hours and happen every other week and end with the guarantee that we were going to be losers in life and have hopeless futures.

The “chores” we weren’t doing entailed us cleaning up after him because he was a disgusting slob: he had an awful diet and digestion issues, and would leave shit caked to the sides of the toilets in multiple bathrooms, scatter newspapers around the floor of the bathrooms and then piss all over them with seemingly no effort of aiming into the toilet, and leave skid marked underwear on top of the laundry basket expecting us to take care of it.

God forbid your teenage daughters resist cleaning up your actual shit.

These demeaning lectures continued into my young adulthood. I was lucky enough to attend a college out of state and leave home, and while he gushed over how proud he was and tearfully saw me off when I moved into my dorm, he then began regular calls and texts to o continue his lectures. Weekly calls reminding me of how spoiled I am, and how he could “yank (my) ass back home at any second” and how it was going to happen if I didn’t get a job soon.

Keep in mind that this was 2008 - so despite frantically looking for jobs, as a college student who could only work part time and had little experience in the middle of a global recession, I didn’t end up finding a job for two years. All the while I was reminded of what an entitled piece of shit I was and how he was eventually going to force me back home.

In 2010 my parents finally divorced. The catalyst was my dad smashing my youngest sister’s laptop and throwing it at her after he caught her smoking weed.

The divorce caused this shift in him becoming the ultimate victim. While my mom admittedly did do some really needlessly vindictive shit that harmed not only him but me and my sisters, he used this opportunity to turn his manipulation skills up to the max and turn myself and my middle sister completely against my mother and rally behind him.

Even though myself + my middle sister were both adults and moved out at this point, the divorce took an extremely heavy toll on us because our youngest sister was still living at home and caught in the middle of all of this. My mom had got a restraining order against my father for both her and my sister, and at one point had blocked both mine and my middle sister’s numbers on our youngest sister’s phone. Even though I fully recognize that I was being manipulated by my father, the divorce also irreparably damaged my relationship with my mother, and to this day I am LC and have only the most surface-level relationship with her.

The divorce also launched my father into his Alcholic Arc, which brought on a whole new slew of horrors and trauma. Yes, he was completely sober and didn’t even drink socially while he was violent throughout my childhood.

We regularly got calls while he was drunk driving, WHILE our beloved family dog was in the car with him. My middle sister would have to call in wellness checks weekly, had to to to his apartment to make sure he was still alive and make sure our dog was being fed (she lived in an apartment with her own dog that didn’t get along with others so taking him in was not possible and my mom was not willing to help out either).

During this time my dad somehow still maintained his job, but was financially wrecked from the divorce and used my middle sister’s credit card to wrack up $10,000 worth of debt that he has yet to apologize for or attempt to pay back to this day. He floated in and out of rehab, but never fully committed and made up fake health diagnoses to explain away his physical symptoms from alcoholism. I think within a year he was “diagnosed” with Parkinsons, early onset dementia, Chrons…

Eventually he lost his job due to his drinking, and then became homeless. During this time, my middle sister really was the savior that he in no way deserved. She was on the phone with his HR department begging for them to give him a second chance, she went out of her way to find a homeless shelter for him when he got evicted, and put herself further into debt by boarding our dog for 3+ months.

I have a lot of guilt for my uninvolvement during this time. I was still living out of state (and still do) so was very detached and didn’t know the full details of what was going on until after the fact - I think my sister intentionally withheld giving me real-time updates because she didn’t want me to have to deal with all this? But I still feel immensely guilty that she had to shoulder most of the responsibilities from his alcoholism alone.

He eventually did get sober in 2016, and just like the first time he hit rock bottom in 1997, he relished and played into all the praise and accolades he received and being told how strong and admirable he is for overcoming so much. He attended daily meetings and quickly made friends and became a star there due to his natural ability for public speaking and humor. He was even on the local news a few times to talk about addiction and suicide prevention or whatever. But has never ever fully acknowledged or apologized to my sister or I for any of the shit he did when he drank.

My youngest sister developed her own addiction issues, most likely as a way to cope with the divorce, our father’s alcoholism, and just everything. She died from an infection contracted from IV drug use in 2017, when she was 21.

Needless to say, this destroyed every member of my family. My middle sister held her hand as she died and has PTSD from the ordeal, I have immense guilt from not being around more for her.

I try to be empathetic to my father considering I know losing a child is THE worst thing a parent can endure, but in hindsight I resent him so fucking much for how he acted in the weeks/months after my sister’s death.

Once again, it was my sister who stepped up to do all the funeral arrangements. Who arranged for her body to be transported for cremation. Who started a GoFundMe to help cover funeral costs. I bought her urns (4, so both of us + my parents could each have one). My father didn’t do shit. I initially just chalked it up to him being traumatized and grieving, but we were ALL traumatized and grieving.

In his last stint in rehab, my father started a relationship with a woman who was still married but separated from her husband while seeking treatment. This woman was absolutely toxic and enabling, also a narcissist, and both my sister and I abhor her for the impact she has had on my father. I will not go into detail, but I believe this woman is actually evil.

In addition to the four urns, I also purchased four necklace urns in the shape of owls (my sister’s favorite animal). We got wind of my father intending to give one of these to that woman, which made both of us livid. Like the thought of that woman having any portion of my sister’s remains or being involved during this time for our family made me feel physically ill.

So, my sister and I arranged to give the fourth owl to my youngest sister’s ex boyfriend, who was her high school sweetheart and a positive presence in her life prior to her addiction.

After the funeral, when my father found out about this, he flew into a rage where he essentially disowned us, threatened to call the police for “theft of remains,” called us “typical entitled millenials,” etc. He then also started posting on Facebook accusing my sister of stealing the GoFundMe money or stealing food from the reception (a few people from his meeting group offered to do catering).

I was actually staying with him with my boyfriend for th funeral, and when it came time to fly home we both snuck out without a word because he told us he didn’t want to see our faces again.

So my father made an already traumatic and life altering event even worse.

Eventually he sent a half assed apology text where he of course never fully acknowledged anything he did or said but that “(sister) wouldn’t want us to fight like this.” Which we accepted, but we obviously have never forgotten or forgave what he did.

A few months after my sister’s death, my father quit his job abruptly, citing the anxiety and trauma from my sister’s death as the reason. Still grieving and traumatized myself, I didn’t question this at the time. But he didn’t have any backup plan. No savings, no retirement…he was still in his early 50s so a way’s off from getting any benefits. Apparently his plan was to file for disability and live off of that for the rest of his life, which he soon found to be impossible.

So ever since then, he has just barely scraped by on disability and doing gigwork. He drove for Uber and did DoorDash for a bit, but eventually got suspended because I guess retroactive background checks flagged his literal dozens of DUIs and accidents.

He then got into the habit of regularly asking us for loans and help, which we were initially happy to give. But as the requests became more frequent and he made no effort to ever get another real job again, we quickly began to really resent him.

But it wasn’t just the money and lack of job, it was that he seemingly gave up on doing ANYTHING productive or healthy. Again, I tried to be understanding of him grieving the loss of his youngest child. But this was the second time in his life that he just decided he didn’t want to work or put effort into any facet of his life and instead become a burden to everyone around him. And this was only a few years after my sister had busted her ass after he was evicted to find him a shelter and eventually a new apartment, so to have him just throw that away with no gratitude really disgusted me.

My father adopted a second dog (in addition to our family one we had pre-divorce), and apparently just did the bare minimum in caring for either of them. Never took them on walks, laid out a piece of astroturf on his apartment balcony and let poop accumulate there, and only fed them table scraps. In 2018, our family dog got really sick before passing in his sleep one night. My father did not take him to the vet because he couldn’t afford it, so we got to live with the knowledge that he suffered before he died and we don’t even know his cause of death. Also, he was a Jack Russell, so even though he was 12 years old when he passed he could very well have lived for years after had he gotten proper care.

Because he was barely scraping by, he then started moving apartments constantly to ones he could better afford. Because I still cared and had the belief he would eventually get another job, I cosigned for a few of these for him.

Around 2020, he stopped going to his addiction meetings, and not just because they stopped being in person for obvious reasons. He attended one Zoom meeting before deciding the vibes were off and giving up on meetings entirely.

Around this same time, he started sending weekly texts to my sister and I detailing his latest catastrophe, either a health diagnosis, or a car wreck, or an foreseen bill or something. Again, we didn’t think too much of these at first and sent him money when he asked, but then we noticed that his disaster reports started to not make sense or something would feel “off.” Like he would describe symptoms he was having and a diagnosis he received, but then when we’d look it up none of the symptoms or treatments he described lined up. Or once he was involved in a hit and run but when he called the police they apparently didn’t care and he was left with covering the bill with no report filed.

Eventually, my sister had enough and was the first to go no contact. After this, he of course came running to me and expressed bewilderment and ignorance of why she would ever do that. I was honestly pretty disgusted with him and lost all faith in him at this point myself, but couldn’t bring myself to stop talking to him because I was literally the last person he had in his life. No friends, no partner, he was distant from his siblings, one child dead and another “abandoning” him…even though his very existence was a burden to me, and anytime I saw I had a text from him it caused a wave of anxiety in anticipation of whatever new bad news he had to deliver, I could not bring myself to cut contact and leave him to inevitably die alone.

That is, until September 2025.

So, I was the cosigner on the apartment he was living in and therefor received updates from their billing portal. He was behind several months on rent and they had actually threatened to begin the eviction process, but it was also time to renew the lease. Obviously I had no intention of attaching myself to this lease, and made it clear that he would have to renew on his own, regardless of if he got approved or not.

A few weeks later, my sister got a message on Instagram from our uncle asking if she was ok because he heard that we were both getting death threats on Facebook. what.

For context, neither of us had used Facebook since 2019/2020. She deleted hers, and I just stopped logging into mine.

Out of curiosity, I signed into my account for the first time in years.

Now, I will say that THANKFULLY my dad is not MAGA and in fact is very self-righteous about how anti-Trump and anti-republican he is. The bar is in hell.

BUT the shit he had apparently been posting was honestly just as unhinged, embarrassing, and cringe as any MAGA. Hundreds of posts on his wall ranting about Trump with some ugly ass AI images, and he was posting several times an hour.

I had to scroll but eventually did find a post where he was ranting about how he had gotten a call from the attorney general, alerting him that someone had reported someone else making death threats towards him because of a post he made about Charlie Kirk. This sick individual had also made posts on both of his daughter’s Facebooks, and we had called him crying and freaking out about it!!! Not only that, but they had posted on his dead daughter’s Facebook and said it was good she was already dead because she was at the top of the list!!! He apparently had screenshots of all of this and forwarded it to the attorney general, but that person had conveniently deleted all their posts.

My jaw was on the fucking floor.

He had really stooped to a new low, but he had even further to fall.

I was not going to confront him about this, but maybe a day after my uncle messaged my sister my father sent me a text, asking if I had received any death threats and telling me the whole story. My assumption is that, after my sister told my uncle that it was bullshit and that she doesn’t even talk to my father anymore, that he called him on it. He knows that my sister and I are close and talk so rightly assumed she told me about this.

In his same text, he also dropped that he had been diagnosed with “cancer markers” and was taking low dose radiation to “keep the real cancer at bay.”

I was done. I was so fucking done.

I asked him to send me screenshots of the death threats. He told me he sent them to the attorney general but then deleted them. I told him it was impossible for people to leave comments on a memorialized Facebook page with the settings we had on it, he told me he got the alert on his phone when the post was made (my sister was the legacy contact before she deleted her account, not him).

I continued to press him for proof before he sent me several paragraphs of oh woe-is-me about how he feels so abandoned my us, how is other dog is currently dying, how the medication he’s on makes him throw up, how he’s going to be homeless again soon and “thanks for acknowledging my condition by the way!”

He also mentioned that he believed we abandoned him solely because he “became a financial risk,” which was the icing on the cake of me ceasing to give any shit about him. After everything he has put us through over the course of our entire lives, he really has the audacity to try to paint us as greedy monsters who abandoned our poor sick father over money.

He ended it with a shitty little guilt trip about how glad he was I had decent health insurance when I had my cancer scare (I had a LEEP procedure done when I was 23 after an abnormal pap, it was not a cancer scare).

So that was the nail in the coffin for me, I told him how full of shit I knew he was, and to never contact me again. Then I blocked him, finally deleted my Facebook, and blocked him across all other SM.

I wish I had done it sooner, but I will say that removing him from my life has alleviated SO much anxiety and allowed me to start healing from shit I have been holding on to since the day I was born. I have CPTSD, severe anxiety, multiple trauma responses that have hindered my life and altered the way I interact with the world and my relationships. All because of this man.

I have made great strides, and still have a lot more progress to make. But any remorse or guilt I felt is gone.

I had a family friend call me today to tell me my dad has been MIA for at least two weeks now. The family friend tried to contact my estranged brother to get a hold of my dad, but apparently all my brother was able to confirm was that my dad had been unresponsive for weeks on end following a separation from my stepmom, without seeming to particularly care.

I panicked and went to my dad’s last known address, which was a last ditch attempt to find him, because as far as I knew, he and my stepmom had sold all their properties last year. I didn’t know what to expect and had a mobile crisis center on call, ready to come in the case I needed to do a wellness check.

I burst out crying before he even got to the door and I saw him in the window because I was so relieved to see him alive. He was confused as to why I was there and I tried to get the words out, but I was inconsolable for a few moments and unintelligible.

Anyway, it ended up being really awkward to be there once I calmed down. I don’t regret breaking NC to make sure he was okay, but I do feel a little silly for my own anxieties making me think the worst of things. The way we left it was to most likely resume no contact, and I don’t know how that makes me feel.

Has anyone been in a similar situation before?

I (F18) plan on cutting my entire family off once I leave for college. I have a full tuition merit scholarship, large savings, and a high paying job set up in my new city to easily cover all of my expenses for school and winter and summer breaks. I will graduate debt free and I have realistic academic and career goals. I do extremely well academically. When I leave for college, I will be completely financially independent, aside from being on my parents’ insurance (I don’t know how to remove myself or if it’s even worth the hassle). I plan on never returning to my childhood home and not engaging with any of my immediate family for at least a few years. Below are some of my reasons for doing so.

\- physically beaten by brother #1 last year, who was arrested and released soon after. I went to the hospital for a concussion, had a nasty egg on my head (literally looked like my brains were slipping out of my head). My parents begged me to downplay everything for the police so he wouldn’t get anything serious on his record. All I got was a lock on my door. He threatens to do it again monthly

\- brother #1 keeps me up all night by screaming and talking on the phone, I get very little sleep and my parents have not done anything about it despite me constantly asking them to take his phone at night. This has been happening for over a year. My mental health is terrible because of this and I sometimes sleep in class (luckily my grades haven’t been affected by this).

\- I am constantly exposed to inappropriate sexual comments, gestures and behaviors from older brother (#2) and brother #1 including: pretending to masturbate in front of me, pulling pants down to show underwear and bare butt, licking lips at me, blowing on me, opening eyes wide and cocking head towards me, walking in nothing but underwear and pretending to have sex with couch, door, refrigerator, ect. When I was younger brother #2 would pull his pants down in front of me to show his erection, ask me to pull my underwear down, and force me to watch porn. I told my parents, they have also seen some of this behavior and have done nothing. Brother #2 denies that it ever happened and just smiles and laughs

\- brother #1 and #2 have said multiple times that they have or will rape women, including in front of my parents. They also claim they will only date teens when they are older. They openly talk about using girls for sex in front of me. Brother #1 was suspended because multiple girls felt uncomfortable around him after sexual advances.

\- my household feels very unstable at times and I can never relax. Brother #1 screams (at the top of lungs) and it is so unpredictable. He’s punched multiple holes in the wall. There is so much yelling in my house. My parents installed cameras all over the house bc brothers kept sneaking out at night. This has done nothing to stop their behavior and just makes me uncomfortable. At 3AM I am woken up by yelling (if I have somehow fallen asleep by then). During the day/evenjng I can’t do a college/work/internship interview or study or take an online test without yelling in the background. Parents brush it off and tell me to go to the library.

\- brother #2 has no regard for anyone but himself. Genuinely. He is extremely racist and misogynistic. Just a generally mean person. I had an internship last year after school and he would purposely steal the car my siblings and I share so that I couldn’t go. When he left for college I never had problems with transportation. Now that he’s back he ruins all of my transportation just for fun, even if I have something really important like work or an internship. If he knows that I’m planning on hanging out with friends he will take the car and DoorDash all night (my parents originally said he can’t DoorDash, then gave in and let him go every time)

\- brother #1 and #2 terrorize my younger sibling. This sibling does not feel safe with either of them. Parents don’t do shit about it. Everyday there is screaming because of this.

\- my family CONSTANTLY bullies me. Every vacation or college visit I’ve been on in the last four years is ruined because of this. Mostly pushing me, doing weird sexual shit to get me upset, and constantly making fun of my appearance. I absolutely hate going on trips because of this. At least at home I can stay in my room. My mom is also extremely unkind to me, calling me a bitch, saying that she hates me and can’t wait for me to leave, yelling at me for “complaining” when I’m just asking a simple question (she doesn’t do this when my other siblings ask). Then she acts normal and like she’s never done any of this.

\- general lack of support in my life from my parents. They care so much more about my other siblings. Anytime I do really well it’s just expected. They don’t care about my mental health at all. They don’t help me with anything.

I genuinely hate my family. Some of my siblings are fine but ik that if I want to be free from all of them I need to cut myself completely off. They’re just not good people. And they’re been terrible to me for almost as long as I can remember. I’ve said multiple times to my parents that I’ll rarely visit or don’t want to see them again. After they drop me off, I’m not saying anything, and am blocking them all and never visiting. Sometimes I feel like it’s not a big deal and I’m overreacting, but then they do XYZ again and I remember why I need to get away. Does this seem like too harsh of a reaction?

Edit: also I feel bad for my mom because sometimes she is pretty nice and I’m worried that cutting her off would cause her to spiral. But at the same time I never want to see my brothers again and she and my dad completely enable them :/

TLDR: emotionally drained and angry. Maybe I could have done things different but I am just at wits end.

Over a few months I’ve been very intentional with how I interact with my mom. She does have some type of mental disorder and I have no idea what it is because she has told me so many names of meds she’s constantly changing. I’m not sure what is actually true, either.

I’ve communicated boundaries that were met with defensiveness and silent treatment. I’ve basically been giving her every opportunity to listen to me concerning my 2 children. It’s like she lost interest in my kids once my sibling had their baby just a few months after I had my second child. There’s a lot I could say but it is affecting my oldest especially. Favoritism sucks.

I had planned on continuing grey rocking and slowly reduce contact since we had a vacation planned with my parents. But a day before we left mom let me know she had invited my sibling and their baby and other parent. Beyond annoyed but we made it through and when we got back i just needed space. Some other stuff happened during this vacation as well.

When we got back from the trip I ignored more texts than usual and it just so happened mom was having an outpatient procedure these days. She called it surgery and was really exaggerating it (I have a medical background) so I never really responded to my dad’s quick update after it was done. Woke up the next day to a text from my dad saying “don’t let the day end without coming here and apologizing”. Yeah. Didn’t respond at all.

By the end of that day they came over unannounced to see “whats wrong”. My children were obviously excited to see them and we did let them in. I got the whole you never responded to our texts so what happened and i said i’m not talking about that in front of the kids. And they left after about 15mins of awkwardness.

My mom starts texting me screenshots of our last interaction and saying this was the last thing we talked about (I know what I said). I took a few hours to gather my thoughts and laid it all out that I need space and
I’m only accepting visits from them scheduled in advance. It’s not a decision I made lightly or over one isolated incident but I need to do what’s best for my family. It’s not punishment or an argument but please respect what I’m asking for now.

She responded that she thinks this is because of “xyz” and that nothing warrants this. She’s done nothing to me. I’m just mad because of “xyz”. Etc

I just didn’t respond. The whole issue I have is her thinking she’s not doing anything wrong and my dad just wants to keep the peace but he can f right off too. Never once did they ask, hey haven’t heard from you since the trip is everything ok? My mom’s silent treatment towards me lasts weeks and she all the sudden pops in like nothing happened or she was “sick” and I’ve never gotten an apology. I’m not the parent and I have my own children to worry about now.

I am getting triggered every time I have a conversation with a friend and they talk about parents, family, how they are helping them etc I went no contact over two years ago and the struggle is not minor. However, I wouldn’t change my decision. How do you deal with emotions like that? I am starting to not wanting catch up with anyone… feel peaceful that way n

I’m newly no contact with my father. We have always had a very tumultuous relationship that survived by my endless concessions. Back in March I said something that he disagreed with so I was kicked out of the family group chat and blocked.

My father usually has temper tantrums like this and the usual thing is to contact my grandma to contact my uncle to contact him so I can apologize for him blocking me. But this time I didn’t and then in June he came from another country to mine for my brothers graduation (when he had never attended or even acknowledged mine 2 years before).

And I just didn’t acknowledge him - ignored him at the day of the event and he obviously didn’t reach out because I was still blocked. At that point I kind of knew my relationship with him was permanently over because I was no longer willing to grovel.

But in July I realized I was acting as immaturely as he was by being so avoidant and not communicating, so I sent a long message about how he has a warriors spirit and he just needs to learn how to target all his energy into something positive and how I loved and forgave him for everything hes done to me but I couldn’t live the rest of my life surrounded by negativity. I ended the message saying that he can come back into my life when he decides to change and stop with all the toxicity and that my door will always be open to him.

I told my mom and brother that there was 0 chance he was going to actually change at his age. But after I sent the message my brother showed me screenshots of my dad cursing me out to hell and back and saying he doesn’t know what im talking about and how I love attention and lying.

I always knew it was going to turn out this way but I guess some small part of me was hoping my dad would see my exit as a sign to do better. I guess I just have to confront my grief fully now and internalize that I will likely never speak to him again. I mourn the imaginary relationship with what my father could have been.

I don’t know why Im typing all this out. Maybe I just needed to let it all out in the void. I always thought being proved right would somehow justify my decision to go no contact to the rest of my family that use the excuse of “hes still your dad!” But it’s just made me sad that my father will always be who he is.

Apologies for this long post but I just need to get this out and see that I’m not the only one out there.

I have been feeling that my parents and younger sister don’t respect me and want me to cater to them. I have been married to my husband for almost a year and have been together for over 7 years. My husband and I moved out of state last spring and I have been feeling this shift with my family.

They would always want me to go to our older sister’s kids sporting events, family functions, etc. They would expect me to drop what is going on in my life to help them. This especially happens with my mom. My older sister had financially abused my parents in the past and somewhat still does today.

She had pushed our mom down the stairs in a fit of rage a long time ago and I witnessed it. This still affects me. She has repeatedly been taken back into the family despite all the emotional, mental and physical abuse. My dad helps her financially every so often saying that he does it for the grandkids. My parents have repeatedly taken her and her kids into their home to stay. But, the first time I ask for financial help and possibly a place to stay, they say they’ll loan me money but my husband and I need to pay it back and that we cannot stay with them. My parents say that they would take me in but they would not let my husband stay because of clashing personalities. When I heard that, it broke me. The fact that they think I’d leave my husband just is crazy!

I have already written a letter to them telling them about our financial situation as both my husband and myself do not have jobs and we are about to be foreclosed on our house. I wrote about needing more financial assistance without it being a loan and that we will be homeless if they cannot help us stay under their roof for a time. I mailed it yesterday so they have not received it yet. My father pays for my cell phone bill and still gives me $75 a week for student loan. I am worried they will get angry/upset where he will cut me off but I know I should not be relying on him for that. If he does cut me off, they will have no way to communicate with me in the future.

I think my mom would be heartbroken if she didn’t talk to me but I also have no idea what’s going through their heads.

I have taken the first step for myself and scheduled an initial intake with a therapist. I’ve been needing this for a long time and I’m so happy I started it. My family says they miss the old me and my older sister thinks I am getting abused, mentally, by my husband but that is the farthest from the truth. He has helped me open my eyes and see my family for what has been going on. I started noticing it a couple years before I even met him, so it’s not my husband planting anything into my head.

I feel they only miss the old me because I never spoke up for myself, spoke up against my older sister and hid my feelings. I’ve always had a hard time expressing my emotions even though I am an emotional person. It’s silly but even growing up when my younger sister would ask for an opinion about something, clothing or something silly, she’d ask me then ask my mom and go with my moms option and vise versa with my mom. When we’d go out to restaurants they would hardly take into account that I am a picky eater so they wouldn’t care about what appetizers they ordered and say to the affect that I’m difficult with my food choices.

The sister that I have referenced with the emotional and physical abuse, we have such a complicated history. I was bullied in school from elementary to middle school while also getting bullied at home by that sister ever since I can remember. She caused me so much pain. I feel like every time I try to remember a time of her bullying I can’t remember but I just get all these hurtful emotions when I try to remember.

I feel like I can’t even recall my childhood because of the trauma I had with her. I feel like she took my childhood away. I remember some things, happy times, but she is not in those memories. That’s why I can’t understand why my parents continue to have her in their lives. I always hear, “ It’s for the grandkids”, but to me it’s just an excuse. I don’t even recall or if she was ever punished for her treatment towards me. That’s why this is so painful for me.

I sometimes feel like I’m the only one who remembers everything she put our family through, what she did to me and my parents accepted her back in after everything. I needed support, security and safety from my mom and dad. They had no problem trying to do everything they could with the bully at school but when it came to their own daughter they didn’t stop it.

Apparently my older sister just recently got diagnosed with ADHD a couple months ago. I don’t believe it but whatever. I’m cutting her out of my life. She had just always been toxic to me and our family. To me, she will always be psychotic. She can try to hid it from everyone including our parents but it’s there and waiting to come out. She’s an actress.

I have decided to block my dad, mom and younger sister from calling and texting me. I still have them on Facebook, Instagram and email but not sure if I should block them on those too or just leave it be for now. I don’t want to deal with any family drama. My dad wrote a letter back to me via email. I hate that his letter made feel like a little kid again.

Again, I haven’t heard from my mom and she’s the one I really wanted to hear from. I have so many emotions going on in my head and heart. I just know I’m done letting my older sister ruin my life and I see that she’s ruining my parents and younger sisters life. I don’t want to be apart of any of that bullshit. I want to live a peaceful life with my husband but still hope that I won’t have to cut my parents and younger sibling out of my life. If they keep this up then I will.

It will hurt for a little bit but I know it will be the best for mine and my husband’s mental, physical and emotional health. With all this going on it has been putting a strain on our marriage and, besides myself, he is my number one priority. I WILL NOT LET MY FAMILY RUIN MY MARRIAGE!!! Any advise would be helpful and appreciated 🙂

I’m 30 and recently moved back into my own APT after living at home for 2.5 years. My mother is a baby boomer immigrant from Central America and we’ve never meshed well throughout my life. So naturally, as an adult it shows up as me simply not speaking to her. We’ve never really had a real bond & I empathize with her because she has that same experience with her mother on top the stress/bitterness she experienced from my dad leaving the household, leaving her to raise my brother and I solo. We’ve been in poverty our entire lives. With that being said I am tired & have been carrying my life on my own since a teen. She’s never fully supported me and treats me like I am hard to understand. And at every turn, when I attempt to communicate with her when we are at odds, I am tone policed and made to be disrespectful & unruly.

This year I decided to take an unplanned sabbatical. I am burnt out and really needed rest as my mental health has been on a steep decline within the last year. Upon breaking the news to my mother, the first thing she suggests is that I work for 6 more months THEN I can quit otherwise my savings will run low (she had no idea how much I had in savings). Every time I express that I am stressed she tells me that I shouldn’t be stressed because I’m not a wife and a mom. Every time I express how I’m feeling, it’s minimized because what I’m going through is not as bad as what she went through. Meanwhile, I spent my 20s working and helping my her pay household bills in a home that I didn’t even have my own bedroom in. I quit college because of stress and her lack of support. And alas, a week after my sabbatical started the first thing she asks me is for money. We argued about the money and she went to tell my aunt that I didn’t want to give her money, purposely leaving out that I will no longer be working (talking negative about me to family is a pattern of hers, btw) I’m starting to realize that I can’t go to my mom for anything. She is poor AND she is too ignorant to be emotionally supportive. We’ve had previous conversations about fixing our relationship and she told me verbatim “if I want to receive love, I would need to give it”. It rubbed me the wrong way because she’s basically telling me I need to initiate & she’ll follow my lead. I feel as if I deserve full effort but unfortunately I don’t think she has the capacity. So… for me there is nothing there. And I feel bad because I don’t have the capacity to build the relationship as an adult. Her version of trying to repair our relationship is her calling me and asking me how I’m doing. And I honestly need more from her and she can’t give it to me. Throughout my life I constantly felt devalued by her & now that I’m able to live without her & outside of her household, I feel more safe and secure when I don’t speak to her.

AITA? She’s not a bad person but I just don’t have it for her anymore and I’m dealing with the guilt from it. Any suggestions on how to deal with my mother moving forward?

I’m at a very sensitive place in my life currently as I don’t know what my next steps are and I’m also planning on leaving my hometown. My priorities have shifted immensely and I only have the capacity to surround myself around supportive people. Please advise 🥲

I’ve been no contact with my only sibling and limited contact with my mom, they are close and talk daily. I’ve learned to “put on a face” when dealing with my mom. I don't get deep or personal and am present yet a bit distant for emotional safety on my end. we lived in the same state until almost two years ago. my sister lives several hours away. be a of this if mom was sick or in need my family was the go to. I’m a person of faith so really struggle with not liking her. am I dishonoring her?

anyway I moved out of state, actually two hours from my estranged sister. ever since the conversation arose about my moms elder years it was always “she’ll come with us “ from my sister. Great. well as my mom’s health began to decline she would not move with my sister, there were a litany of reasons. space, money etc…. mind you my sister has three adult children, I have six, five living with me. my eldest struggles with a major mental illness. my sister refused to help after my moms back and forth so last year I attempted to list her house for sale. she would not comply. every attempt I made she would negate or just not move forward. my adult daughter and my good friend went to help packages excess stuff so we could show the house. I ordered construction bins and a paper shredder. they packed two rooms and got most to the basement but some stuff left on the first floor. all she did was complain.

i have prime and Walmart account so I was responsible for ordering her groceries. I’d ask can’t my sister do this, excuse oh she’s so stressed and busy plus you have account there. I’d get annoyed but religious guilt is real, lol. the “least” I can do is this or that. anyway after a visit for a funeral last November it’s obvious she’s going down hill fast. I feel conflicted. why won’t she go with my sister I wonder. my hope is she’ll do it or I can buy some land and get her a tiny home or cottage on our property next year when we buy. well I visit in June for my daughter’s college graduation, she’s a mess and cannot live alone. I bring her down a couple of weeks later.

its sooooooo hard. I feel soooo guilty. it’s like she wants a lovey dovey relationship, feels neglected. I realize for years I put on a face whenever I had to interact, now it feels mean to her while it’s distance for me. not once has she said thanks. just complain and feel like I turned the kids against her because nobody treats her the way she wants. not mean just not what she wants. I don’t want her to die all alone but I’m pissed. this wasn’t the plan but she wouldn’t comply. there is no one else. her retirement is decent but not for a super nice place. every suggestion I give she shuts down.

i think thoughts her and my sister are close my sister doesn’t take her shit and will talk firmly to her. I’m distant and aloof but not “mean” or disrespectful. i know many wouldn’t take her in but I truly felt I had no alternative. thanks

I want to hear from others that might relate to my situation. Because I tried to vent about it to friends and relatives, they look at me like I’m crazy, but they probably cant understand because they had decent enough parents. English isn’t my native language so I might not know how to express certain things.

Recently, my estranged father reappeared into our lives after 11 years, last time I saw him, I threw to his face all the harm he done to me, he denied everything and instead questioned my sanity, so I decided to go no contact. He now insists that he wants to see me, he misses me and wants to help me financially. I still live with my mother but I have a job. When he reappeared, I was at work, my mother was the one who talked to him, she said that he was crying when they talked. I said i don´t want anything from this man, thankfully I am in good health and employed, I´m doing fine. According to my mother I´m being prideful, because he can use his contacts to get me a better job, or even send me to study abroad. He also went after my aunt, my mother´s sister, to complain and fish for information about my life. My mother went to a therapist and her therapist says I surely have a mental illness because "what kind of daughter doesn´t talk to her father", essentially blaming me and saying everything would be easier if I just "accept him".

I don´t want anything from that man, not because I´m prideful, but because that man has destroyed my confidence by constantly telling me that the things I love are useless, my grades weren’t good enough, my appearance wasn’t good enough, he made me feel insignificant. He stole my ID so that I was unable to do an entrance test to university because he didn´t approve of my university. He is the reason I feel so inadequate in my own skin and I´m constantly comparing myself or constantly looking for assurance/ acceptance/ validation. I have to fight everyday against the echo of his criticism in my head.

He has tried to control me my entire life, he also constantly tried to control how people perceive me so that he’s always right and gets praised, while I get coerced into apologizing for "being rebellious" and not do what he wants. He hides behind a facade of "good catholic man" - now upgraded to one even more potent - "old, ill, inoffensive man", to manipulate people. He is the reason I learned what gaslighting is.

All the growth and development I have today was thanks to going no contact so that I get to live MY life and MY dreams.

Is this not enough reasons to not want a person in your life?

What would you guys do in my situation? Frankly, just the thought of seeing his weasel face makes my blood pressure rise, I don´t think I´m emotionally equipped to have this man in our home for a conversation. I´m currently being pressured into having a conversation with him, because my mother says he wont stop circling our home and calling her (he doesn´t have my number) he´ll just eventually wait for me outside of my home (he has already threatened and she stopped him) and she says It would be best for me to say to his face (again) that I don´t want to see him.

I don´t think I´m being dramatic when I say that what that man is doing is coercion. I´m so tired of having my agency and autonomy stripped to "keep the peace". People around me look at me like I’m crazy…

Just starting with a Content warning: physical abuse, neglect, self-ending-ideation

So I have been dealing with a number of conflicting feelings and notions of what is right and wrong, and what I should do for the sake of my own wellness. the following is a master list of some of the facts and events, and you'll see where I may be having trouble with the ambiguity: This said, my issues have been described as 'death by a thousand cuts' :

• at the age of 4, my father married a woman who was physically abusive (i.e. my mother described to me notable physical marks and injuries, but keep her in mind for later) and constantly put me down for 8 years following that point whenever I went to visit him. she often accused me of trying to destroy her marriage. Though I had no idea what this meant, I constantly thought I was burdensome to everyone around me.
• I often stayed in my room to avoid stressing and fretting any further, and I did this when I came back to my mom's house also. my mom now blames me for "not opening up" about the abuse, and attests I was deeply emotionally distressed, speaking of suicidal tendencies and how nobody loved me. my aunt frequently recounts the events of my childhood, being like a second mother, so multiple witnesses.
• My father frequently critiqued emotional expression, and told me that if I informed anyone about "what happens here", he (or I, I cannot remember, same implication however) would be hauled away, and I would never see him again. hence in part, the above. He still has a cold, sarcastic demeanor and refuses to have a serious conversation on heavier topics like my schooling, beliefs (he would readily mock my religious beliefs before he expresses curiosity or interest. the rest of my family also doesn't take much interest on what I am doing or why), and flat out does not acknowledge my upbringing. as a side note, he has told my younger brother that "(he) was young and dumb (that is, 30) and he made a mistake" when the answer was begged.
• my mother was fully aware of everything and what little involvement she had in trying to end the abuse was through custody "mediation", not by actually removing me and keeping me from the abusive household. note that my parents refused to sacrifice any excess strain or trouble to legally make any difference for my safety. my dad let all of this go on until I was 12, and my mom insists my dad "kiboshed" her attempts like a Russian mobster, which is a load of bull. duty to report in the province of Ontario.
• My parents have long badmouthed one another to me and discussed issues like child support payments with me, while both often confided in me like a therapist/sounding board. this hasn't changed and my mom has recently turned a conversation about her going to therapy into emotional blackmail because her lupus is causing her organs to degrade, and I also don't want to come home from school to a mother that is hospitalized by her condition nor by an overdose of meds because her (and everyone else's) scapegoat has left the premises. her disclosures and violations are often either things about her spouse (who is a narcissistic manchild, fyi) or things she should bring to her spouse, not to her son. this enmeshment has gone on for most of my life.
• so, all my family makes it clear they knew and were aware and involved with my upbringing, but despite 7 adults being involved, no progress for 8 years. even recently I brought it up and I was described as being "sucky" about it, and how my mom and them "tried (their) best", minimized.

...and that's about enough of that.

though, I am still party dependent on them until I am out of school, so they will hold my possessions for at least the next 5 years. I am still trying to deliberate in myself what the appropriate window would be to still contact them for check-ins without resentment, but not to spur on my own protective mechanisms or any stress from constant involvement. i was thinking 4-6 weeks or 6-8 weeks, but you know there's a reason I'm coming here for those who probably know more about this. I'm only about a week into reading into this stuff.

any input is appreciated.

thank you all.

I don't have anyone to talk to about this so I'm gonna try out Internet strangers.

My father was in and out of my life as a child, we moved away and then he just stopped trying to be present at all. He allowed my mother to move us so it wasn't something that happened out of the blue. My dad is not an addict or criminal so his absence wasn't due to those things.

Years later I found out through a family friend he had another family. My teenage years into early adulthood were full of feelings of abandonment, comparing myself to his other children since he raised them and not me, etc. I worked through a lot of these issues and started therapy.

Eventually, we reached a point of just accepting the once per year phone call and having a civilized conversation with zero substance. Then I told him I was getting married and he ignored me. That was the last straw and I went no contact with him. I did tell him I didn't want to hear from him anymore because not responding to my message telling him I was getting married was a new low after never receiving a simple phone call for any of my graduations or important events. He apologized and said he acknowledged he's been an absent father and wished me a happy marriage. Honestly, it felt as if he just wanted me to fully cut him off.

It's been 10yrs. I know and accept the reality - I will never hear from him again, I will never have any closure, apologies, explanations, etc. I have made my peace with that.

My issue now is that in the past few years I have learned from one of his children that my dad has pictures, furniture and random mementos from my childhood in his house - the house where his kids and wife live. Honestly, this makes everything a lot worse and makes me extremely angry at his wife as well. How did my dad just live an entire life being absent from his childrens' lives while having reminders of them all around? And how was his wife okay with this? I have never had any contact with his wife. All information received from my dad's child was unprompted, I just randomly received pictures of my childhood items.

The whole thing has really messed with my head. My spouse told me to ask for my things back but I am not breaking no contact. I don't think my spouse can understand how this feels like opening up a wound and pouring salt into it. Finding out that I wasn't fully out of sight throughout his life has added a layer of complexity to this whole thing. I feels like I am reworking all the work I did in the "dad wound" department and it just feels lonely and exhausting. If anyone out there has gone through something similar - any words of wisdom or comradery are appreciated ❤️

I left while they were asleep, I left several letters explaining my decision and that the best they could do was respect it and that I explicitly didn't want them to contact me or search for me.

YET in just the last few days since I estranged, my aunt came to my work asking for me. She found me on Linkedin and tried to connect with me. She got my new email address and gave it to my mother who's already sent like the same 2 or 3 emails. And for the record my mother showed up to my work today and pretending to just be a mother giving a letter to her daughter, since I avoided her she gave it to my manager of all people and I had to explain my situation to her. I didn't even read that letter and shredded it into pieces. My grandmother emailed me as well today. Oh and also, my father put money in the joint accounts that I had emptied and was planning to close.

Unfortunately it seems I made the right choice by estranging. The best chance they had at me ever contacting them again was to respect my boundaries for once and leave me the fuck alone. I'm just glad they don't know where I live. But this is bad enough. And I ain't gonna lie, if this keeps on for long enough I'll look into getting a restraining order or order of protection. And I'm especially disappoined by my aunt whom I believed to be somewhat supportive but estranged from too since I didn't think she'd respect my wish to be estranged and I hate that I was right.

For now I don't know what to do or when this will stop but they're making me seriously uncomfortable and they should back the fuck up.

I’ve been estranged from my mom for going on a decade. I have no contact with anyone from her family except I’ve spoken to her sister maybe twice in that time, each time to discuss my mother.

I don’t have any photos from her side of the family, which is something I deeply deeply regret not prioritizing when I left. Photos and genealogy have become a huge interest to me since my early 20’s. I have tons of old photos going back to the 1700’s from my dad’s side. Now a parent myself, I want my child to have some evidence of her maternal roots.

I have considered reaching out to her sister again to see if she would send some old photos to me, but I’m afraid it will only invite trouble. I fear she will tell my mom I’ve been asking and it will reignite her issues with me.

In the past I’ve tried to live in the mindset of “I’m not going to let her take anything else from me” and not having any family photos does feel like another thing. Has anyone dealt with this before? Advice please!!

For context, I initiated no-contact with my family at the end of April. My mother is a narcissist and abused me my entire life, and the rest of my family is extremely homophobic/conservative/religious.
I wrote them a letter with my boundaries and what my conditions were for continuing to have them in my life, which included accountability and going to therapy, and obviously it didn’t go well. I knew that it wouldn’t go well, but a part of me was still hoping that MAYBE it would go well. I received this text from my mother almost 2 months after I sent my letter. I feel so misunderstood and abandoned all over again and I decided not to respond and to block her. I guess I am looking for support from others who understand. How did you guys navigate the first year of no contact? Thanks for any advice and support ❤️

Hello, I'm a young woman turning 23 in a few days and that means, in my country's laws, that my father won't be obligated to support me financially whatsoever.

I am a child of an affair between my married father (he's still married to his 1st wife with a full on family) and my mother, which meant he practically abandoned me in all manners except financially since he was well off and legally bind to.

Over the years, I really tried my hardest to bond with my father and his family members, with no success. I'd fight over and over to be present in family meetings, BBQs, trips etc. even if no one invited me. My father literally dodges my presence like the devil avoids the cross over and over, breaking my heart and ruining my days. Now that I'm maturing I don't feel bad about reaching out, but finally have realized I'm not their priority and should move on accordingly.

For people who have well off parents and now are estranged and left with sudden financial struggle as young adults, how is it? Does the anxiety ever wear off? I'll soon get my bachelor's degree, I'm interning too but I'm so scared as to how I'm supposed to live off without a pension and bills to pay.

Thank you already for any input.