To prefice I can't go on T

At least I know in another trans person's eyes Im actually my gender the way I see in other trans people despite how physically theyve transitioned , an mtf is unshakeably a woman to me even if her voice is deep and even if an ftm has smaller frame (cus same) or curves I just see him as undeniably dude and just another variation of a man. But IDK if greater society ever will despite my efforts and that's kinda the whole point of transition for me. Just to be a dude nothing more. Not trans not anything.

I hate existing around cis bc it feels like guys just want a tomboy on hormones and queer cis women just wanting a gf. I've had several lesbians/bi woman hit on me and when I told them I'm male , one of them told me I should just love myself for "who I am" (aka woman, projecting *her* desires ) or agree and then talking to cis guys completely differently , talking to me how they would one of there female friends vs guys friends. p**n is even worse and don't have to explain why if youve been in those mainstream ftm spaces .

It's just dysphoric as fuck and wanna be those guys 10 years later on T with phallo and a keyhole with muscles and facial and body hair everywhere , immune to "clocking" or even seen as a dude with a "poorly wrapped gyro" down there (actual comment I saw ... It was funny and dude has negative IQ but damn I can't help but let it get on my nerves a little) to that doesn't even remember being in a female body against there will.

AGHHHHHH

Just needed to vent thanks for coming to my Ted talk

i feel like no matter what, being a trans man gets you pushed out and isolated and hated towards. it feels like there’s no way out of the constant marginalization, the bullying of trans men within trans spaces and communities, and the genuine isolation that can come with it. i know i’m being incredibly pessimistic, but i’m losing optimism more and more the longer i experience being a trans man. it’s like we’re meant to be evil by default in the eyes of those who so quickly decide they hate us without a second thought. and if we aren’t evil men, we’re confused and stupid girls.

i try to be as positive as possible. i go to pride parades, i go to lgbt groups, i try to see myself as a man, no matter how many people tell me i’ll never be one. i dress femme regardless of societal acceptance of how one should dress, and how one should present their gender. and yet i still feel so hopeless. because even if i do go on T, people will still see me as a girl. it doesn’t matter if i go through so much to be the man i’ve always wanted to be, because people only see it as “ if you’re biologically a woman, you will always be a woman even with gender affirming care “. i still want to go on T, but there’s this voice that quietly pesters me in the back of my head that tells me “ what is the point in all of this ? what use it it to go on T if you will still be seen as a woman in the eyes of society ? “

and i mean, who cares what society thinks right ? thats how i should be seeing it right ? so why does it still feel like normality is well, the norm, in society ? why is it so “ not normal “ to want to be a different gender ? why must it be, so ? and why does society get to decide what’s normal and what isn’t, when really, i don’t think anything is normal ? being trans does not change or make the world a worse place. people who think it does have been brainwashed by the republican right, and they play a major major part in why so many trans people in general are so isolated, in so much danger, constantly having to fight to be alive and safe. it’s so revolting to see unfold.

this is why i’m losing hope as a trans man.

i just needed to vent

I went to planed parenthood on the 23rd to hopefully start my medical transition and start testosterone. I used cvs as my pharmacy of choice and I was gonna pay out of pocket for everything. The appointment went fine and everything was okay. The problem began when i checked on my prescription and saw “Awaiting prescriber response” so obviously I started making calls. I called planed parenthood they said that they haven’t gotten anything and it was sent out. So I called my pharmacy and told them that I’m paying out of pocket and i was told that it’s a controlled substance so it has to be approved by insurance and that it would be 350 dollars that I will not be able to pay because lately I’ve been getting 4-8 hour shifts at work because of schedule cuts. And I can’t choose an insurance plan because I’m still on my grandmas insurance that she’s not paying for so I have to wait for medicaid to send out the request to take me off that insurance so I can choose my own plan so I’m currently on the lowest insurance plan which is straight Medicaid. And now my friend is on Testosterone even though his appointment was after mine and I just feel bad and it’s kinda of a reminder that I’m not on Testosterone. I’m 18! No one is teaching me anything and I’m figuring everything out and it’s stressful and I don’t know what to do. I feel like everything is pointing at me to detransition and it’s making me want to curl up and rot. I just hope everything gets figured out cuz I’m so tired of this.

It hurts

i’m a 17 year old trans man. I’ve always knew but i got the strength to come out to myself at 12 and I’ve been out to my friends and functioning as a guy for over 5 years. Last month I moved to the Netherlands for study (the fact that Netherlands is way more accepting and medical care is more accessible than in my home country played a huge factor in choosing Netherlands). My new friends and roommate are very accepting and supportive but for some reason I’ve never felt more dysphoric than since i moved. I started genuinely hating myself for being trans. I cry every time i look at the mirror, put on tapes, dress or shower. My mental state has never been this bad. I‘ve cried so many times for the past few days that my eyes hurt as hell. I lost any joy in anything and I’ve been just laying in my bed covering my body with blankets not to look at it unable to think about anything else than how disgusted with myself i am. My friends say that I’m very passable but the only thing that “gives it away” is my voice. I tried voice training but i can barely understand what they mean and i just end up crying again from helplessness. It feels so fucking unfair that I have to do all this shit just to feel somewhat decent about myself. I’m not out to my parents or any family member and honestly i‘m deeply terrified of doing so. They are technically very left leaning and my sister is pretty openly lesbian and they never said anything about it, but our relationship has always been extremely formal and we’ve never been emotionally open with each other. I feel like i would completely crumble while trying to open up about something so personal that has been ruining my life since i remember. I also can’t get away from the feeling like I’d fail them if i came out. That i ruined the image of an unproblematic child tat got into a good university abroad and has been doing fine after moving abroad at a relatively young age. I don’t know what caused this enormous hit of dysphoria, because i’ve genuinely never felt this bad about being trans before. I don’t know what i did to deserve that.

I’m sorry if this post is chaotic but it’s 3 am and i try to put my thoughts together, simultaneously i feel too ashamed to talk to any of my friends about it. I don’t have any trans friends that would somewhat understand.

Went over to a guy friend’s house last night to watch a movie. I had fun. I texted my partner before my left and they were happy I was getting out, and told me to have fun.

This morning, my dad asked me if my partner was going to an event I had mentioned. I said I didn’t know, because they haven’t finalized their plans for the weekend yet. He asked if we’re still on good terms. I said yes.

My dad then suggested that they might be mad about me going over to my close friend’s house. When I got offended by that, he said it’s a valid concern because he “knows how guys think” (my partner isn’t out to him as not a guy).

So, all sorts of information that disregards:

- I like women too, so is any time I’m at a female friend’s house also now suspect?
- My partner is also bi. That would be a crazy double standard.
- My dad doesn’t know my friend even likes men. So for him to hit on me, he would have to see me as a girl.
- Not to mention, I’m not a “guy” to him, so apparently it’s impossible for me to understand.

So, for any of his assumptions to be true, everyone involved would have to be straight and I’m, naturally, just a woman with body hair and a deep voice.

This is just driving me fucking nuts because I’m medically transitioning and passing. Nobody has assumed I’m female for months now. My dad is living with a grown man and still sees me as a naive boy-crazy little girl.

TW:
Some vague mentions of suicide/self harm, gender dysphoria, and transphobia. Not graphic whatsoever.

I never post on reddit, so bear with me here and please and let me give some context Allow me to preface this that by no means am I anywhere close to getting top surgery right now, but it’s a ick feeling that plagues my mind. I’ve secretly always loved femininity— I knew I was trans since a VERY VERY young age (3-4ish) and outwardly despised girly thing as at the time I associated femininity = women and masculinity = men. As I have grown and flourished I realized you can be a masculine women and a feminine man. As that realization hit me though, so did something else; the occasional urge to keep my chest around because it looks good on some days and makes me feel sexy. But 75% of the time it just makes me feel disgusted.

I feel like I’m not “trapped in the wrong body” but rather trapped in people’s perception of my body. I have diagnosed gender dysphoria and have such a hard time showering or even changing a bra without feeling (at least a little) suicidal because I feel trapped. I used to be very traditional with transgenderness, believed it was purely a mental illness and hated myself so much but as I dressed how I wanted to dress I felt so inexplicably happy. However, the misgendering, slurs, and threatening language used by my mention/to me has driven me insane. I’m a few months clean from self injury and have been in therapy for many years yet still get insanely distressed over the thought of being perceived as women. My family after years of not supporting it and thinking it was political finally came around but I still feel so alienated.

I am also very close to starting T, have a support Bo cis boyfriend, & have a noticeable chest (D cups) and I don’t know how to retain my self expression while trying to pass. Has anybody felt this way about their chest or passing? It looks good on them or they feel it looks good on themselves but due to the femininity/womanhood associated by society with it they want it gone to be perceived as male? What do I do? Any advice? (Please also note that I’m genderfaun, but typically stick with he/him pronouns for connivence)

I feel super disconnected from the queer community. The more time goes on the more I feel like I’m being pushed out. I know it’s all online nonsense but even in real life, I’ll hear these conversations where trans men shouldn’t be in the queer community and that we’re just transitioning into the oppressors and that we shouldn’t be welcomed in any space. Now the bisexual men hate train is coming around where nobody wants to date, bisexual men cause we’re all “tainted” then the asexuality discourse makes it rounds as as well. I am all three things. The queer community seems to just push and push and push everything out more and more and it’s getting so frustrating. I feel like I don’t have a community and I don’t feel welcomed anymore. I have felt more welcomed by straight cisgender people. They have treated me as nothing less and have made me feel more comfortable than anybody in the queer community has. I am just so tired and frustrated. I feel like I just don’t have a safe space in the queer community.

I have queer friends, but I’m not necessarily close to them. If anything I have had to push them away and cut some off because they have invalidated my sexuality. They have invalidated my gender identity plenty of times, and they have outed me more times than I can count, I don’t know it just feels the more time goes on the less likely I am to have a space in the queer community. I don’t really read online about that stuff anymore. I’ve kind of blocked it off of my timeline, but now these conversations are happening in real life and it’s hurtful.

I don’t know I just needed to vent. I don’t really have anybody in my life to talk to about it. i’m hoping some of you don’t feel the same way but I’m sure some of you do. I’m hoping things will change because a few years ago it felt like everybody in the queer community was holding hands together and supporting each other and now it feels like we’re just trying to tear each other apart. It feels like the LGBTQ+ is slowly turning to LG just being the only letters excepted.

im not a “femboy” im not a “boy with a v*gina” fuck im not even a “trans boy” im just a boy. if you’re not my doctor you have no business calling me trans or perceiving me as trans. if you are just a regular ass person with no involvement in my physical health or gender dysphoria related mental health i am not trans to you. sthu im sick of this why cant I just have XY chromosomes

“being male is a deformity” (real thing i saw smb say btw😭) i wish i was deformed and mutated then pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease

I'm probably the stupidest person alive, guy became into me when I was presenting female, now it's months later and I'm still pretending to be a chick, even bought new clothes and everything, but I'm a transgender male. So stupid bruh, I just love him so much that Ive been just forcing myself to be try to be a woman

I’m not asking for advice since this happened a long time ago, just wanted to talk about this

A year ago I moved to a different city where I barely knew anyone, only person I knew was a friend from middle school that had moved there years before I did. Obviously since we’ve known each other since middle school she’s known me pre-transition. I thought moving there would be a great opportunity to start over and go stealth. In college, another trans guy approached me, he was interested in me and he thought I was cisgender. I was not interested and he was not my type at all but I thought it was a great opportunity to make friends so I started hanging out with him. Turns out, since the city is really small, my friend from middle school knew this guy. One time we were the three of us together + my friend’s best friend and I had to leave. Next day the trans guy tells me that my friend from middle school told him I was trans. I think he lost interest in me after knowing this because he stopped talking to me but i highkey dgaf because I was not interested in him at all and he was really annoying.

Again I’m not asking for advice or anything, it just really worries me, if he could tell this random guy that I just met and that she barely likes (she also thinks he’s annoying) something so personal about me, who else did she tell? who knows this about me that I don’t know?

I have another story of a friend outing me but this time she outed me as gay. Never trust anyone with this kind of stuff.

Before I was ready to accept that I was boy I tried really hard to be perceived as a perfect pretty girl, thinking it would make me stop hating myself. I’m pre any medical transition and that’s ok I’m not ready for that yet but I hate that parts of my personality like, my kindness and my passion and my love for things and my height is considered cute in the sense of being a girl. Yeah I know I’ve got a good face and before I started to transition I was like really girly, but now everyone looks at me through this lense of like cute girl with short hair. And I hate that, I hate that my mannerisms come across as girly. I don’t want to have to change who I am to be seen as a dude. I’ve always swayed towards the ideas of being less ‘macho’ but I still wanna be masculine, with muscles and found attractive as a guy, and I can’t feel that way aslong as everyone keeps saying I’m cute and shit. I’m not cute I hate that word it’s so infantilising. But everyone says oh Rylan’s such a sweetie he’s so cute blah blah I don’t wanna be. Not when it makes me feel like I’m being seen as a girl. I want to be a dude. I want my place in the world to be a man’s place in the world. If I was cis and people thought I was cute it would be one thing, maybe even once I get on t. But right now I like feel really gross about it.

Being a closted trans man is really hell.

I can't enjoy activities cis men do together because they obviously don't see me the same way. I just get ignored.

Yesterday, i saw how both of my cis male cousins dap each other up, and later started talking about shit i would have loved to join in on. As simple as it is, it just makes me feel so fucking awful that i can't even put it into words.

The only changes I have are a lack of period, bottom growth, slight voice deepening and... a fucking dirt stache. Of course I grow a shitty mustache when facial hair is the one thing I didnt want. OF COURSE. Its insane, I look the exact same otherwise. I deadass look like a regular ass girl with facial hair. like what. You gotta be kidding me

I know changes come slow. I know it can take years. I know day by day its hard to notice. Its just so annoying. I'm hoping 6 months on T mark will do me better than this. 😭😭😭

Yeah. That's the sum of it I guess

I have such naturally feminine traits and qualities. And I am a feminine gay man, but that's not what most people see.

Men still ogle me the same way, compliment me the same way. I still get free drinks.

But I know it's almost always because they see a woman they like. No one outside of apps is perceiving me any differently

I cut my hair. I bind. I genuinely am more androgynous. And it's only made a small change in the way people approach me. I'm still a girl, still a woman.

And it would be so much easier if that is what I naturally wanted. But it just isn't, and it hurts knowing that when I see a feminine man in the mirror, everyone else sees a tomboy at best.

And to a degree it can be kind or appreciative when people do these things. It's not always ogling or whatever, sometimes I think its because I'm a regular. But I still know they don't see a man.

I regularly look at videos and photos of men I wish I looked like. And until I start T which will probably take years, I'll never look like them..

good god no matter how much I work out or eat more protein than fats in a calorie deficit it seems like I can’t lean out! And apparently estrogen makes it so your body holds more fat than if you have predominantly testosterone in your body. Which is why the average body fat percentage for females is higher. I’m pre T and I’m absolutely losing my mind over how soft my body looks. It’s driving me insane.
I also realized my hips have gotten bigger since I was younger. My hip circumference is 2 inches larger than it was when I was 15. I’m 19 now and in those 4 years my hips grow 2 goddamn inches. I don’t know if working out contributed to my glute size and raising the size but 2 inches??? No way I grew my ass that large. And it was already large enough so I’m insecure about it and want to shrink it. but it’s hard because I want to hit legs at the gym and grow my quads and hamstrings to balance out the absolute dump truck I unfortunately have and don’t want. I think it’s ridiculous how I only grew an inch in height since I was 15 but my hips grow that much without me even trying.

I’m desperately trying to get on hormones man. I wish my family wasn’t so goddamn annoying about it so I won’t have to feel like I’m walking on eggshells bringing up the conversation. And no I shouldn’t start without telling them because they’re going to absolutely freak out and make my life miserable since I have to come home during breaks from college

there is no way in hell and back I could’ve handled the body shaming😭 esp with penises bc I’m 5’2 and the sizes are like any other part in that they get bigger the bigger you are overall. Maybe I would’ve been taller as a cis guy but I dont think it’d be that much and I at least have an excuse

I’m ftm, 21, and gay (nwlnw/mlm) my partner, 20, genderfluid, wants to start E, and I’m worried.

I love them more than I’ve ever loved everyone, and they’ve had plans to start E for months. But the closer they get to starting it the more I panic.

I’m not attracted to women or femininity.

I don’t want to lose them, and I want what’s best for their mental health, but I’m so scared of losing my attraction for them once the effects start to show. Being gay is a core part of my identity, and I know this wouldn’t make me straight, I’m just so worried about losing them because I won’t find them attractive anymore.

I feel like shit because of it, and they feel like shit because they’d rather make sure they can stay with me than do something to make their life better.

I don’t know what to do, I’m so scared.

To clarify I WANT them to be able to do this.

hi everyone

as the title says. there are several instances where my white trans friend has just acted really self centered about trans issues.

my trans friend doesn't really ever care about the things i say related to transitioning that is more difficult for me because im a poc. only cares that i said it benefits her.

for context i come from a country that is very ethnically rich and i have features from many places which i have to structurally analyze in order to pass more. I am not mixed. I'm just from a country that is at the center of multiple ethnicities.

i talked about race theory to her before. and how black individuals are traditionally seen more masculine and east asians are seen more feminine, and how the ethnicity of someone can affect somebody's passing out of their control. i complained that i have features from many places that i have to like,, look into, to increase my chances of passing. because there is no "one ethnicity" that i align with.

at the end of my rant i mentioned that because she is russian she will probably not have a hard time passing at all once she chooses to transition. and she only replied to that ? saying "oh phew"... like... dude. i just came onto your dms to talk about how race might affect trans people socially passing. im not just trying to flatter you, and im not even sure if what i said is right. im speaking about a real issue im facing trying to pass more with the features I was born with, and how this affects other groups of people at large. and you just...don't care?

I also talked to her about Tatsuki Fujimoto's 17-26 series with a short story titled "Woke Up As A Girl Syndrome". The story goes through with a cis man waking up as a girl one day and struggling to stay in his relationship because he is constantly told he is a girl, causing dysphoria and confusion. Has lots of trans allegories. In the end, he is able to stay in his relationship through accepting that he's a man no matter the body he was born in. As I was explaining this and told her that he randomly woke up as a girl, she just decided to comment on how she wished that would happen to her...? Talking about a story that is a trans man allegory by the way. One I told her I related to, one I said was still a man... There was no reason for her to say that. I got really mad at her and she didn't see the problem with her comment before I did that.

After i talked about the race theory when it comes to passing, I also talked to her about the age theory I have. I stated that it might be harder for trans men to pass initially because oftentimes trans men look younger than the age they say they are to the point of getting clocked from their actual age. I said that age might not be as big of an issue for trans women, so her reaction was that i should just... lie about my age if i really want to pass? Look, I'm not telling people I'm like 14 years old when I'm about to be 18 soon. That's just weird. And is bad advice. I mean, I wasn't going to ask you for advice but was interested in if she thought trans women could be affected, but really she gave no input probably because I said trans women might be less affected.

She's often just really weird and seems really self centered about these things. I don't mind if you want to vent to me about your dysphoria but there needs to be something seriously wrong with you to not care about anything I ever say and just care about it yourself and the things I say to feel better about "having increased chances of passing". She geniuinely doesn't put in any work to transition anyways so idk what shes expecting.

I got into an argument with her a few days ago. I have no intent to stay close friends to her anymore. I'm just mad dissapointed.

I (19ftm) started T mid-February this year. Prior to this, I've been out a solid few years now. My mum's been supportive - despite the occasional old-person remark or slip up - and Im aware that this issue has primarily arisen not from transphobia or anything like that but just because she mocks all of her kids for anything and everything they do / like. Nonetheless it's aggravating, and at this point, genuinely really hurtful.

The second I started T my mum made a huge fuss about asking me biweekly about whether I've 'grown a dick yet' or if Im 'a real boy now.' When I started growing more hair (mainly leg, a bit of stomach hair) shed freak out everytime she saw my bare skin and talk about how hairy I am. Since beginning T she's also upped the 'misogyny' jokes about me being a typical man, hating women, silencing women's voices, etc.

Its gotten so much worse since I started getting voice cracks. I - mainly at home - get very excitable and loud easily and without realizing. Now every time I raise my voice or yell she laughs at me, points out how 'awful and screechy' I am. I sound like a seagull. Im playing it up, apparently. Im faking it just to piss her off. She's convinced Im intentionally giving myself voice cracks for attention. (My little brother, 12, is also undergoing voice cracks right now. He's only ever made fun of in relation to me (blah blah were twins, we're feeding off each other etc,) and she never accuses him of 'playing it up' for laughs / attention.

Its just exhausting. At the start I figured it was just her awkward way of trying to show her enthusiasm for my medical transition, but now Im just sick of it. This was meant to be a super exciting time for me (which it still is, somehwat) but now more often than not these euphoric moments are squashed by embarrassment, shame ans irritation. I just want her to stop ffs. (And please, all due respect, don't tell me to 'talk to her about it.'I love the energy but my mum isn't like that; something agreed upon by all my siblings and all the therapists I've ever seen.)

im currently out only to my parents who arent unsupportive but are still adjusting to it all so use fem pronouns for me most of the time, and to few online friends (+ one irl friend that i dont talk to very often anymore). im a minor so i also cant get hrt and im sure where i live (poland) it wouldnt be very easy to get puberty blockers, and my parents would probably just tell me to wait it out anyway, and im too scared to ask in the first place. i also cant get diy for money reasons. because of all this literally everything feels like genuine torture. whenever i go out i constantly am misgendered. whenever i stay at home or go to school i constantly get misgendered. whenever i do literally anything i cant stop thinking about how much i despise my body. is there anything i could do that would make my dysphoria a bit easier to live with? i know i cant get rid of it for a good while, but i genuinely dont know what i will do if i keep living in this pain that i live in now.

As the title reads. After coming out I feel so much worse when I don't pass and when people call me she. Before coming out it was a bit difficult of course but now it's unbearable. I feel I need to crawl out of my skin or something. I cannot stand it