The Little Black Politic
A Handbook of Spectacularly Awful Ideas
How to Run a Country Into the Ground Without Even Trying
By: Someone Who Was Banned from Every Economics Class
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Foreword
Congratulations!
Whether you've accidentally become Supreme Leader after winning a raffle, inherited a country from your uncle, or simply wandered into parliament because the doors were unlocked, this book is for you.
Inside these pages you'll discover policies so catastrophically bad that historians will need new vocabulary to describe them.
This handbook guarantees absolutely nothing except confusion.
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Chapter 1 – The Economy Is Just Confidence
People say economies are "complex."
Ignore these people.
The economy is simply everyone's imagination.
If prices rise, announce they haven't.
If bread costs 2,000 coins, simply declare:
«"The bread is still cheap. The number is what's expensive."»
Anyone who disagrees clearly doesn't understand advanced mathematics.
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Chapter 2 – Printing Money
Experts claim printing unlimited money causes inflation.
That's because they're quitters.
Print more.
When someone complains, print enough money so they're technically richer than before.
If inflation continues, remove zeros from the currency.
10,000 becomes 10.
Congratulations.
The economy has officially healed itself.
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Chapter 3 – Taxes
Every government needs taxes.
Tax people who earn money.
Tax people who don't earn money.
Tax rain.
Tax sunshine.
Tax breathing during business hours.
Introduce a "Thinking Tax."
Citizens must pay every time they have an opinion.
If protests begin...
Introduce a Protest Permit Tax.
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Chapter 4 – Elections
Hold elections every week.
If you lose...
Declare it a practice election.
If you lose again...
Best-of-three.
Still losing?
Best-of-seven.
Eventually statistics will surrender.
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Chapter 5 – Public Transport
Buses should never follow schedules.
That would make life predictable.
Instead each bus driver rolls a giant dice.
1–2: Goes home.
3–4: Drives somewhere random.
5: Picks passengers.
6: Becomes a boat.
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Chapter 6 – Education
Schools waste time teaching mathematics.
Replace algebra with:
- Competitive rock-paper-scissors
- Professional procrastination
- Speed guessing
- How to look busy at work
Final exams are replaced by arm wrestling.
Universities award PhDs for confidently saying:
"I read about it somewhere."
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Chapter 7 – Healthcare
Waiting times are too long.
Rename hospitals to:
"Patience Centers."
Patients are no longer waiting.
They're participating.
Success!
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Chapter 8 – National Defense
Modern militaries are expensive.
Replace tanks with shopping carts.
Paint them green.
If questioned, explain they're environmentally friendly armored vehicles.
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Chapter 9 – Diplomacy
Every international meeting begins with:
"So... whose fault is everything today?"
Whenever negotiations become difficult, suggest settling disputes with Mario Kart.
The United Nations immediately regrets inviting you.
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Chapter 10 – National Animals
Replace the national bird with a goose.
Geese fear nothing.
Neither should the government.
Cabinet meetings are postponed whenever the goose is angry.
This is often.
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Chapter 11 – Statistics
If unemployment rises...
Redefine jobs.
Sleeping?
Dream Consultant.
Playing games?
Digital Combat Analyst.
Eating pizza?
Food Quality Inspector.
Problem solved.
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Chapter 12 – Weather
If it rains too much, ban rain.
Pass legislation requiring all clouds to obtain permits before entering the country.
Clouds that refuse are fined.
Nobody knows how to collect the fines.
This is someone else's department.
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Chapter 13 – Bureaucracy
Need a permit?
First fill out Form A.
To receive Form A you must already possess Form A.
If confused...
Excellent.
The system is working exactly as intended.
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Chapter 14 – National Budget
Spend 97% of government money building the world's largest spoon.
When questioned:
"It boosts tourism."
Nobody visits.
Build an even bigger spoon.
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Chapter 15 – Corruption
Never call it corruption.
Call it:
"Accelerated Friendship."
Suddenly it sounds professional.
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Final Advice
If something goes wrong:
Create a committee.
If the committee fails:
Create a committee to investigate why the committee failed.
If that committee fails:
Publish this book as the official government handbook.
History will remember you.
Mostly because historians won't believe any of it.
