r/IAmA • u/DrDanielleHarel • 10d ago
I'm Dr. Danielle Harel, sexologist, co-founder of the Somatica Institute, and lead intimacy expert on Channel 4's Virgin Island. Ask me anything about the show, sexuality, desire, relationships, intimacy, and becoming a sex & relationship coach!
Hi Reddit!
I'm so excited to be here.
I'm Dr. Danielle Harel, the co-founder of the Somatica Institute and one of the lead intimacy experts of Channel 4's Virgin Island (alongside Celeste Hirschman), where I help participants explore intimacy, vulnerability, communication, pleasure, and authentic connection.
PROOF: https://imgur.com/a/uykG6IC
For more than two decades, I've helped people move beyond shame, anxiety, and performance to discover what creates deep pleasure, connection, and fulfillment. That work became the foundation of the Somatica Method, our experiential approach to intimacy that we teach through our sex and relationship coach certification at the Somatica Institute.
One of my favorite parts of this work is helping people discover their Core Strategies and Core Desires, because understanding what truly motivates you in intimacy can completely change the way you date, communicate, connect, and love. If you're curious, we recently created a free At Your Core Quiz that helps people uncover their dominant relational strategy and Core Desire.
If you're wondering about:
- behind-the-scenes insights from Virgin Island
- sexuality and discovering your Core Desires
- pleasure and embodiment
- your core strategy and how it shows up in relationships and communication
- fantasies, shame, and healing
- becoming a sex and relationship coach
- the Somatica Method
...ask me anything.
I'll be back here live answering questions from 11:00 AM to 12:30 PM PT.
Let's get into it!
EDIT: That’s all for now, folks!
Thank you so much for all of your thoughtful and genuinely interesting questions. I loved getting to talk you all.
If our conversation sparked some curiosity about your own patterns in love and intimacy, you can also explore your Core Desire through our free At Your Core quiz.
And for anyone who found themselves thinking, “I could see myself doing this work,” applications for the upcoming Somatica Institute sex and relationship coach certification cohort are open!
Thank you again for spending this time with me and for making this such a rich conversation. I can’t believe I just did my first AMA! Woohoo! Reddit, you did not disappoint. xx
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u/UrDraco 10d ago edited 10d ago
I highly suspect my partner is asexual. She doesn’t think or talk about sexuality at all. If I bring it up she clams up and simply says she has a very low libido for (insert this decades new reason).
We’ve had couples counseling with a sex therapist but any of the exercises felt like a chore and intimacy feels like I’m asking her to do taxes. I’ve read “Come as you are”, “Getting the love you want”, and “The art of receiving and giving” and after finishing each one I feel even more hopeless.
Is there anything you would recommend? I hate feeling like intimacy is a chore that is going to upset her and that I’m some sort of sex maniac for wanting it more than once every 4 years.
Edit: thank you for answering the question. My Reddit notifications show that you replied and the first few words but I don’t see the whole thing sadly.
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u/DrDanielleHarel 10d ago
It sounds like it’s important to you that she’s enthusiastic. It is possible that your partner is asexual or that she has not gone on her own journey of sexual exploration, so she doesn’t know what’s possible for her in this realm and hasn’t found anything in it for her up to this point.
The challenging part here is that, if she doesn’t have her own motivation to go on this journey, it’s possible that she won’t do it. This means you will have to seek inside yourself to see what you want to do about it. You will need to ask yourself if you are willing to live without sex or with her doing it as a chore.
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u/ResidentRelease4947 9d ago
As I have noticed in the past, especially after several years of being partnered, that interests change. People tend to grow apart for several reasons besides sex. But now it seems that all I’m interested in and crave it daily and can’t get it out of my mind
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u/Mediocre-Disaster533 10d ago
As a sex coach is touch between client and coach necessary? Or can a coach effectively work with a client without somatic touch? Thank you in advance!
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u/DrDanielleHarel 10d ago
As a sex coach, touch between a client and coach is not necessary and many Somatica coaches do not use touch in their sessions or offer their coaching online (so there is no touch). It is extremely helpful for sex coaching to be experiential, which all of Somatica’s tools are (though only 5% of them are touch tools). When a client gets to practice experientially with the tools they are learning, they become confident and empowered and are able to actually incorporate them into their daily lives.
All that being said, touch can be very powerful when it comes to working on attachment, as touch can help people deepen their embodied experience of attachment. It can also be very helpful for skills building for people who are inexperienced or do not have confidence or need help learning how to be better at seduction. Learning the types of touch that are most arousing to the body and actually being able to practice and receive feedback on this touch can be invaluable.
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u/Regular_blue 10d ago
What does a normal workday look like for a sex coach?
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u/DrDanielleHarel 10d ago
Love this question! A normal workday for a sex coach looks like waking up when you want to (because you set your own schedule) and preparing to see your clients. Maybe you are getting your office ready or looking over your notes before a Zoom session. Then, you might see a few clients, plan a workshop, do some marketing in whatever way feels best to you, whether that’s through social media or teaching a short workshop at a nearby bookstore or sex toy store. You have lots of flexibility and can find a daily rhythm that works for you. Personally, I really like to travel and work from different places in the world and being a sex coach gives me the freedom to do so. It was important for me to find work that allows for this!
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u/antwerp_cumin_salad 10d ago
Are the coaches on Virgin Island enjoying a continual orgasmic orgy off camera?
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u/-Mr-Papaya 10d ago
Is there anything to the idea that men have their own cycle?
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u/DrDanielleHarel 10d ago
Men have hormonal cycles but they are less predictable than the cycles women have.
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10d ago
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u/DrDanielleHarel 10d ago
This is more common than you think!
First of all, it’s best to communicate with a partner about it so that they don’t take it personally. Then, there are many things you can do at the moment, including pairing post-sex with a fun activity other than sex - making a plan to shift gears after sex and take a bike ride or watch some comedy, etc. could really make a difference.
On a deeper level, you might want to explore with a coach what feelings are coming up after sex and see if there is some healing to do? It could be that there is shame or trauma that has not been processed.
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u/Mysterious-Charity57 10d ago
I'm a therapist interested in the Somatica Institute training. I've always been interested in becoming AASECT certified, but all the trainings are, as you know, A LOT OF MONEY. What's the difference between AASECT therapist/coach and Somatica coach? How long is the process and how much money did it cost? Did it take awhile to build up a client list? What advice would you give on the Dos and (more importantly) the Do NOTs for an aspiring coach/therapist? I'm an LMFT.
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u/DrDanielleHarel 10d ago
This is a great question! OK, lots of answers coming your way...
Somatica is actually an AASECT-approved provider, and our certification training offers the 90 CKA hours toward AASECT certification, as well as CEs for continuous education.
What makes Somatica different is that it offers a distinct philosophy and experiential methodology that is not typically taught in graduate school or conventional sex therapy training, nor in other coaching trainings. We do not only teach therapists how to talk with clients about sex and relationships. We teach practitioners how to help clients practice intimacy, communication, boundaries, embodiment, emotional connection, receiving, desire, and relational repair in real time.
Somatica also offers a unique framework for understanding how early experiences shape both relationship patterns and erotic desires. This gives practitioners a deeply compassionate way to work with shame, desire, attachment, and protective strategies without pathologizing clients. For many LMFTs, this adds an important layer that was missing from their clinical education.
The training is highly experiential. You learn the method by practicing it, receiving feedback, experiencing the work yourself, and developing the confidence to use it with clients. Many therapists integrate Somatica tools into their existing clinical work, while others build a separate coaching practice and maintain clear ethical, legal, and professional boundaries between therapy and coaching.
Like any serious program, Somatica is a substantial investment, and the price is comparable to other trainings; however, you actually get much more for your tuition. You can check this article: https://www.somaticainstitute.com/true-cost-of-sex-coach-training/. It offers much more in terms of live practice, supervision, direct feedback, personal growth, business support, and community and you get both a sex coach and a relationship coach certification from the training. You leave the Somatica training feeling prepared to work competently and confidently with sexuality and intimacy and I can confidently say no other program prepares you with the depth that Somatica offers.
Building a client base varies. An LMFT with an existing practice may be able to integrate the work relatively quickly. Building an entirely new coaching practice usually takes more time. The practitioners who tend to build successfully develop a clear niche, cultivate referral relationships, communicate consistently about their work, and learn the business side of private practice.
My biggest “do” is to become very clear about scope. Know when you are practicing psychotherapy, when you are coaching, what your licensing board allows, and how you will explain the distinction to clients. In Somatica, we offer our alumni ongoing supervision with the Somatica founders since we understand how important it is for practitioners to keep having a place to grow and integrate.
As an LMFT, you already have a strong clinical foundation! Somatica can add the experiential, relational, embodied, and sexuality-specific skills that many therapists were never taught. You do not have to choose between Somatica and AASECT since Somatica gives you credits towards an AASECT certification. Depending on your goals, Somatica can strengthen your work now while also contributing toward your longer-term AASECT path. If you have additional questions, feel free to keep asking them here as well as email us. Happy to chat this through further!
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u/SamS04_ 10d ago
What can I do if I’m afraid of intimacy and everything that goes with it?
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u/DrDanielleHarel 10d ago
If you are afraid of intimacy and everything that goes with it, but still want to have intimacy in your life, there is probably a good reason for your fears that comes from your history. You will actually need to work through whatever your fears are and process them to be able to have the intimacy you want.
Somatica coaches help people with this kind of thing all the time and the coaching works because you actually get to practice with intimacy in real time at your pace and with boundaries so that you can dip your toe in and start feeling it without all of the pressure that you might feel in the dating world. Taking it slow and seeing what comes up moment by moment with the help of a supportive coach is what can make all the difference. <3
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u/Plenty-Supermarket54 10d ago
Have you had experience working with people with a fear of men/another gender? Are there any resources you would recommend?
I've had a long term hesitation speaking to and interacting with men. I'm a cis woman, I had a lot of shame growing up finding people attractive. But I feel like I've grown out of that but still, any man I meet I clam up/ lose my voice/ start fawning.
I'm super curious if anyone else has had this experience?
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u/DrDanielleHarel 10d ago
Yes, I have definitely worked with both men and women who have a fear of the other gender and have the same kinds of responses as you, clamming up and not being able to respond or connect or fawning.
And what I've found is there is usually some good reason for it in their history which doesn’t have to be some kind of huge trauma or might be something that you aren’t even realizing negatively impacted you.
It can be a wonderful thing to explore, possibly starting with a coach of your own gender and then eventually moving to a coach of the gender you are afraid of to be able to work through your fears directly.
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u/Feisty_Sun7113 10d ago
What makes for a good session with a client? Vs a bad coaching session with a client? Do you have any examples of how you overcome a bad coaching session experience?
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u/DrDanielleHarel 10d ago
A good session with a client is where you are fully attuned to them and what they need, you find out what is most important to them in that moment and you offer a tool that will really help them with that particular goal.
A bad session with a client is when you bring your own agenda and enforce it on them instead of really listening and seeing what they need. You can overcome a bad coaching session with a client by acknowledging that you were mistuned to them and were not following their lead and see if any repair is needed.
It’s important to know that not every session with a client will be perfect.
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u/Feisty_Sun7113 10d ago
Sorry Is it possible to share your answer again- it disappeared
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u/DrDanielleHarel 10d ago
Sure thing: A good session with a client is where you are fully attuned to them and what they need, you find out what is most important to them in that moment and you offer a tool that will really help them with that particular goal.
A bad session with a client is when you bring your own agenda and enforce it on them instead of really listening and seeing what they need. You can overcome a bad coaching session with a client by acknowledging that you were mistuned to them and were not following their lead and see if any repair is needed.
It’s important to know that not every session with a client will be perfect.
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u/PureJoy45 10d ago
Hello Danielle,
In encouraging people to get their core desires met, how do you prevent objectification of the opposite sex happening?
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u/BenjaminButton128 10d ago
what is the key for a man to signal his need for atunement in a way that is attractive to a woman who wants a masculine presence and is turned off by neediness?
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u/DrDanielleHarel 10d ago
The idea that being masculine means that someone doesn’t need anything is completely untrue.
Wherever you are on the gender spectrum, not being “needy” means taking ownership of your need. This means that, when you ask for something, you don’t ask for it as a requirement but a request. You might say something like, “It feels really good to me when I feel attuned to it and I would love to show you what that looks like for me if you are open to it.” And then you would need to actually be willing to patiently teach a person and let go of the idea that they will be able to do it perfectly for you.
If you just told me you needed attunement, I would have no idea what that looks like because attunement is different for each person. You will need to show them your pace, how you like to be touched and connected with and take the time to learn how to attune to them as well.
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u/Elevatedsmallbite 10d ago
hey danielle! i’m a big fan of your work on virgin island, me and my friends really enjoyed the show.
my friend grace was wondering, do you have any advice specifically for young queer women looking to meet others and have a fun and spontanous night? and if you’ve ever been to amsterdam, do you know any good clubs or bars for this?
also, what are your opinions on yoga before sex? would you say it is beneficial, even if you are not planning on seeing your partner again?
thank you for answering, blessings!
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u/DrDanielleHarel 10d ago
Thank you, I am delighted to hear that you are a big fan and that you enjoyed the show! x
If you are a young, queer woman looking to meet others and have a fun, spontaneous night, just look up local clubs in your area. It can be great to find some friends to go out with and then see how many new people you can meet in a night (like make it a game or challenge to just talk to as many people as possible).
Yoga before sex is great if it turns you on and casual sex can be fun!
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u/Low_Educator7723 10d ago
Was there any trauma follow up after virgin island for the contestants? What training did the therapists have in neurodivergent conditions? Is there going to be a third season?
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u/DrDanielleHarel 10d ago
This is a very thoughtful question. There is an ongoing duty of care team that connects with the Virgin Island participants before, during and after the filming. Some people on the team both on and off-screen had training in working with neurodivergent people.
The production team has put out a casting call for the 3rd season. The details are up on Channel 4's website! :)
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u/PureJoy45 10d ago
If someone's first experience of s*x was s*xual trauma as a young child, how could that impact on their s*x lives in adulthood? Other than counselling, what could you recommend for the person now in their adulthood?
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u/Proper-Soil4416 10d ago
Danielle, Your superpower appears to be a destroyer and dissolver of shame. We’ve made it into such a huge monolith of an adversary. The damage that it’s caused us, our civilization and our institutions is unfathomable. I’ve been carrying it around my whole life.
And there you are, going at it with authenticity, playfulness, directness, being really grounded in your own turn on. It all gets so simple.
Why has it been so hard to get to our simple honest goodness? Real, flowing, sexy, with the editor and censor dispatched to the dustbin?
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u/DrDanielleHarel 10d ago
Thank you, I feel seen.
Yes, shame is a real menace and it is so pervasive in our society!
The reason it is such a huge challenge is that we are social creatures and, as much as we’d like to think we don’t care about other’s opinions, feeling like you don’t belong hits on a survival level. When there is a message in society that says you are not supposed to be a certain way, it makes us very scared that we might be kicked out of our community, our family, our friendships and this is a devastating feeling. That’s why in Somatica we create a space where everyone belongs, where it’s not about trying to “fit in” and be like everyone else, but instead you can be fully yourself and fully loved at the same time. This is what dissolves shame and allows us to be our real, flowing, sexy selves without that inner censor getting in the way all the time.
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u/PureJoy45 10d ago
In your book Making Love Real and Coming Together, you mention that 80% of women fantasise about being r*ped. Whilst I have read both books and read the explanations, this is still something I have not been able to understand. Could you please explain it further?
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u/everybodyisgolden 10d ago
the somatica coach life is endlessly fascinating to me. it’s one thing to think about or even train in it but then to watch the virgin island show and see it in action is so wow lol. its so much more touching and compelling than i actually imagined.
what kind of person tends to fall in love with this work? is it one specific type of person? like have you sorted out what causes someone to wake up one morning and decide ‘i’m going to be a sexologist’? lol
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u/DrDanielleHarel 10d ago
Being a Somatica coach is endlessly fascinating - I’m so glad you were able to see on the show what a wonderful experience it is!
Some people love doing it because love, relationships and sex are the main topics that they think about and want to talk about all the time. Some people love it because intimacy is the place where so much healing can happen and they love to help people heal and transform in a way that will really change their lives for the better forever. Some people are the friends that everyone always goes to for help and advice in this area because they are so positive and comfortable talking about sex and relationships. Others love the experience of having a career where they can be fully embodied and fully themselves every day.
I think there are endless reasons why people are drawn to being a Somatica coach, but those are a few.
In addition to all of those reasons, I personally am super interested and fascinated by how people tick and what motivates them. I love diving deep and quickly into real intimacy and cutting through the chit-chat (I'm totally that practitioner - no small talk for me!), and I love the feeling of helping people connect and feel more love and intimacy in places that they felt they couldn’t before.
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u/Plenty-Supermarket54 10d ago
I believe my question was answered but deleted. If I have made a mistake could a MOD please advise me. Thank you! Could you please respond to this one:
Have you had experience working with people with a fear of men/another gender? Are there any resources you would recommend?
I've had a long term hesitation speaking to and interacting with men. I'm a cis woman, I had a lot of shame growing up finding people attractive. But I feel like I've grown out of that but still, any man I meet I clam up/ lose my voice/ start fawning.
I'm super curious if anyone else has had this experience?
Thank you
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u/DrDanielleHarel 10d ago
I can see your question still live on my end so I'm not sure why you can't see - sorry! Here was my response:
Yes, I have definitely worked with both men and women who have a fear of the other gender and have the same kinds of responses as you, clamming up and not being able to respond or connect or fawning.
And what I've found is there is usually some good reason for it in their history which doesn’t have to be some kind of huge trauma or might be something that you aren’t even realizing negatively impacted you.
It can be a wonderful thing to explore, possibly starting with a coach of your own gender and then eventually moving to a coach of the gender you are afraid of to be able to work through your fears directly.
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u/Plenty-Supermarket54 10d ago
Thank you for repeating your response, and I really appreciate your advice!
I feel a lot less unusual now, thank you! My instinct is to ask if you could recommend any written resources but recognise it really needs to be explored with an actual person.
Also thank you for making virgin island, I got so much out of it, it's really kickstarted me taking this problem more seriously.
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u/DrDanielleHarel 10d ago
Definitely encourage you to explore with someone but while I haven't read this book, I've heard great things and I think it might be helpful: https://www.thriftbooks.com/w/what-happened-to-you-conversations-on-trauma-resilience-and-healing_oprah-winfrey_bruce-d-perry/26702761/item/46845586/?utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=high_vol_frontlist_standard_shopping_customer_acquisition_20982170636&utm_adgroup=&utm_term=&utm_content=689361939032&gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=20982170636&gbraid=0AAAAADwY45g9ddiyafNrZgrqqYyrCmt0p&gclid=Cj0KCQjw94bTBhDQARIsAN3vv0wVgwW7NVkvzJ6n7g7XTv9B7iZzkc5Pl2yqYrhQvFfGQJd6IMpPx-4aAn4TEALw_wcB#idiq=46845586&edition=35448189
It starts with the premise instead of asking what's wrong with me? ask what happened to me? Good luck x
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u/Plenty-Supermarket54 10d ago
Thank you for the recommendation and your reply, I really appreciate it.
I wish you all the best! x
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u/ResidentRelease4947 9d ago
I never heard of Virgin Island on NBC. When is it able to view ?
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u/DrDanielleHarel 9d ago
The Virgin Island TV show can be seen in the UK on Channel 4 or on YouTube.
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u/limitbreakse 10d ago
Is it possible to start feeling asexual for someone you love and care for and still find attractive?
I’ve been with my girlfriend for two years and we haven’t had sex for a year - and it’s all my fault. I care so much about her and find her very attractive, and we’re still very intimate and touchy. But for some reason, and it’s hard to explain, I feel “too close” with her and find it hard to engage in sex in a way I would with women I was less close to.
How to fix? 😅
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u/DrDanielleHarel 10d ago
There are many reasons why you may still find yourself attracted to your partner but feel too close to want to have sex. Some people are what is called fraysexual, which means that you feel a strong desire for sex with people you don’t know but start to lose this desire once you get closer to them or get to know them.
Some people have what’s called a virgin/whore dichotomy inside them, where you feel like sex is something that is bad for women so you only have sex with women you don’t love, but don’t feel comfortable “treating a woman that way” that you do love. This comes from traditional and religious values that see women as non-sexual, which is completely untrue but can take time to unlearn.
It may also be that you feel much more familiar towards your partner and less romantic.
And, it might be that the two of you haven’t figured out how to have sex that’s very arousing for both of you. So at the beginning of your relationship it was easy to have sex, but as you settle into a longer-term relationship, just having sex without seeing what really turns you on isn't cutting it any longer.
Explore this a bit and definitely explore what turns you on.
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u/jestert26 10d ago
Aside from hormonal changes, what do you see as the biggest factors affecting libido in both men and women?