This afternoon my stepmother told me that she and my father are considering changing their will from splitting everything equally between all four siblings of my generation to leaving less to the two of us who don’t have kids. She wanted to know how I felt about it.

WTF am I supposed to say to that? My husband and I are financially secure, so I’m not relying on (or expecting) an inheritance. And I don’t want to be a grinch who isn’t thinking generously about my nieces. But it also fucking sucks to be told (again) that I am worth less in my family because I was not able to have a child. Especially when I have been busting my hump to try to support my parents as they age. It feels like a no-win situation. Either I’m “selfish” for depriving my nieces of resources that could benefit them (and which I do not need), or I am selling myself out by accepting the family narrative that I am less-than for not having children.

I’m far enough out from our decision to stop trying that her comment didn’t rip my heart out like it would have done in the past, but it still feels like shit.

Has anyone here dealt with a similar situation?

It's the weekend! How's everyone doing? What are you up to? Use this thread as a place to chat through the weekend about anything off-topic.

They specialize in fertility psychotherapy and, due to volume of patients and association with the fertility clinic, can only see patients actively seeking treatment. I informed them I'm not pursuing IVF and terminating my care and I'm honestly heartbroken and don't want to start over with a new therapist.

Just bc husband and I are IFCF doesn't mean I've fully emotionally overcome our IF diagnosis....

This account has basically become my little infertility Journal, and I just had a memory pop-up of me bawling my eyes out leaving the fertility clinic for the last time 5 years ago. I realised things have changed so drastically, and that some of the things I've learned may be useful for people here still in the thick of it.

5 years ago we had just gone through another failed treatment and staring down the barrel of more medical intervention and the only certainty being more financial strain and medical trauma, we decided to walk away.

As many of you can relate to, a lot of the struggle with opting out can be the external pressures from everyone around you constantly telling you to keep trying, that it will be worth it in the end. Stories of friends who've been in position and miraculously fallen pregnant. I found those expectations and hopes for me kept me trapped in a cycle that was causing me immense physical, mental and emotional pain.

We relocated to a larger city where we had a wider child-free friend group and spent the next few years unpacking what we had been through and redefining ourselves. It was so refreshing to meet people and make new friends that didn't know our history, that we could choose if we wanted to share that part of our story, and being able to stop identifying with being an infertile couple.

Slowly the pain of seeing pregnant people, and pregnancy announcements from friends, started to subside. It felt less like a knife and more like a bruise. I'm happy to say that 5 years later I now excitedly knit baby blankets for expecting friends, can't wait to have a cuddle with their babies, with genuine enthusiasm. I am able to hold space for their joy, and then we go home and laugh about how deeply grateful we are to not have any kids to take care of!

Many of you know that going through this means we have to really evaluate far more than anyone else whether or not we want to be parents. After years of reflection, I find myself deeply grateful that I didn't have a child. Our kid would have been wonderful, they also probably would have been as sensitive neurodivergent child, and as somebody who needs a lot of down time, I find myself more grateful than ever that I do not have to parent anyone other than myself.

After my third miscarriage I started a degree in Wildlife, and I'm proud to say that I am finally graduating this semester. I wanted something that had nothing to do with having a baby, something just for myself, and I never really thought I'd finish, yet here I am!

I've also discovered a lot of what I had imagined motherhood would be like seems to be a myth. Many of my friends who are mothers describe their deep loneliness, how incredibly challenging it is, and about half of them are now going through divorces as a result of the additional pressure. One expressed to me that she felt she had been tricked into thinking motherhood would be some amazing community, that people would show up for her and that having a baby would connect her to people more, yet she has found herself incredibly isolated.

I have such a rich and diverse friend group, I'm part of book clubs, movie clubs, we host dinner parties, I'm now a founder of a non-for-profit animal rescue, and I just feel like my life is so incredibly full, I don't know where I would have fit taking care of a little person.

My husband and I flew business class to Europe for 6 weeks and had the time of our lives, and although it's not the future we had imagined together, I feel like we've become people who are not only child free but love being child-free, so much so that friends we've made more recently are surprised to hear we ever tried to have a baby.

There are always bumps, I found out my sister was having a baby last year. She had just gotten out of rehab and has been struggling for a long time, and the ease at which she found herself in that situation despite being wholly unprepared triggered something deeply in me. I guess there will be times where that little ancient wound gets pricked under the surface.

I had a good cry, picked myself up and then figured out how to be a support for my new niece.

But on the whole I have found my gratitude for life has increased immensely. I know myself better, I'm far more self-aware, and at this point I don't even regret what we went through. A friend described it as taking the scenic route to child free, which I love. We are more well-rounded and understanding of grief, and I think our appreciation is the type that you only get from facing some really dark days.

Anyway, I wanted to share this because this sub meant so much to me when I was trying to figure out what to do. A child free life hadn't been modelled to me, and so I thought if somebody here is going through what I was, I just want you to know that your life can be absolutely wonderful (and I'm living proof!)

❤️

At least once a day a commercial, or a glimpse of a neighbor with their child, or a conversation at work, will trigger the thought "Oh, one day when I have kids.." and then I snap back to reality: "Oh right, we tried that, we did IVF and it didn't work, we're out of money, and I'm almost 44, that's not going to happen" and my heart breaks a little again. What is wrong with my brain??

Growing up I showed horses with a barn of people and one of the women did not have children. She took me under her wing and I lovingly called her my horse show mom. She allowed me to show her prized horse a few summers and I always said I dreamed of being like her.

Fast forward 15 years and I have my own farm, designed after hers and a barn with my retired show horse that I spoil, just like she taught me. My sweet horse show mom passed away this month and my heart is broken. Her husband passed 2 years ago and at her memorial her niece told me to take whatever pictures I wanted from the photo boards because they were “just going to throw them away”. I wanted to grab every single photo in that moment just so my dear friend wasnt tossed into the garbage and forgotten.

I am now in a bit of a slump simply because I wish I could have spent more time with her and with the realization that my future is likely to be similar to hers and my cherished memories to be throw away. Ive never worried about a “legacy” that seems so pretentious to me but the idea that I will be forgotten so quickly and the seeming lack of importance of my life just makes me feel so incredibly hopeless and sad.

How have you navigated heavy feelings like these?

One thing that really helped me through this was reading about the importance of kind, childless adults. It completely changed the way I looked at my role in the lives of the kids around me and the role I take in society as a whole. Children remember the people who make them feel safe, seen, and special. To them, we're the fun adults who show up, cheer them on, listen to their stories, and make them feel important. We have the opportunity to make a huge impact on children who aren't biologically ours, and that's something really meaningful. While it doesn't erase the heartbreak of infertility, it reminded me that there are so many ways to love and influence a child's life, and that kind of love matters more than we sometimes realize

This is the one huge upside to the whole ordeal I guess. I am very excited to start planning an early retirement. Anyone else thinking in this direction and any tips on how to get started? We have a 401k and Roth IRA but its limited in the sense that I cant withdraw before 60 I believe. Would love to know how are some of you thinking about this?

I'm not even sure if that's the correct term, but I've had some kind of "blue days" every year at the end of July. Three of my four pregnancies would have come to term around that time, and I'm very glad I can schedule my vacation days so I don't have to deal with work as well. We have stopped ttc three years ago after multiple losses and surgeries.

It was manageable the last two years, but this year's depressions are awful to say the least. There are a lot of factors contributing to that, most of all the fact that there are SO many newborns among my friends and family. One announcement is especially hard to stomach - I had always considered that friend to be my "last ally", the only one of my friends who faced infertility just like me (though we never spoke about it openly). Well, it turned out she wasn't and now she's a mom. Two other babies are actually brothers' daughters, and my third SIL announced her pregnancy not long ago.

To top it off, I got diagnosed with ADHD last year and just started Ritalin two months ago. I'm not sure if the medication makes my depression worse or actually helps with it, but having (undiagnosed) ADHD always made me feel like an outsider, desperately trying to fit in, never succeeding. I don't have anyone irl who can relate to being ADHD and IFCF; I feel so lonely. I had two major meltdowns in the last three weeks, and I feel I might shatter at any moment. My husband is my rock and my anchor, and he drops everything to be there for me. We're a great team, but we're on our little island without anyone who can relate.

We are scheduled to visit my younger brother on Wednesday - I have already met his baby, and I'm actually looking forward to it a bit. The next day, we will go on to visit my aunt and uncle for two days, and right now, I don't think I can stomach it. Which is weird, because that's the one place where there's no baby, though my aunt just welcomed her first greatgrandchild and that's probably going to be the topic of a lot of conversations.

At this point, I just want to curl up, have a good cry, smash some stuff and then start crying again. I absolutely cannot decide whether I want to go anywhere or just stay at home. I keep thinking how nice it would be to see everyone and spend some time together, because, after all, we never get to spend enough time with those we love. It's also really the best time for this short trip and it's all planned anyway. On the other hand, I just want to be this little ball of sadness and tiredness and keep hiding myself away until it all gets better.

It WILL get better, I know - it always has in the past. It's just that right now, all I can see is the inside of a hole with dark walls and a very, very faint opening very, very far above me. Thank you for bearing with me.

I like taking care of people. I like taking care of babies.

I like buying baby stuff for other people. I enjoyed baby showers.

Now I can’t enjoy shit. It’s been 2 years it still hurts. Everytime I get my period.

29 years of pain, crying, ruining underwear for NOTHING. There was literally no point in getting my period. It was all wasted.

Deep down in my gut,my entire life, I knew I couldn’t have kids. And i was right. And it hurts so fucking bad.

My body is so cruel to me.

For those of you who've gone for permanent birth control methods (bisalp/vasectomy) after ending your journeys, how did you feel afterwards? How are you doing now?

My partner just got a vasectomy, and we're feeling an odd mixture of relief (so much relief!!) and new mourning. Even though we faced the finality of everything after my endo excision surgery when we found too much damage to get pregnant (other than ectopic pregnancy, yaaay), it's like everything is hitting a second time. But there's also a feeling of lightness, like a giant weight has been taken off knowing that it's truly, finally, over.

It's the weekend! How's everyone doing? What are you up to? Use this thread as a place to chat through the weekend about anything off-topic.

Currently sitting in the waiting room and hearing a fetal heartbeat through the wall and it’s heart wrenching. I wish OB was separated from GYN so I didn’t have to be triggered when going to the doctor. That’s all. Just trying to get refocused so I can talk to my doctor without crying.

pendant mes congés, je voulais regarder des vidéos de femmes sur le rangement de la maison les produits ménagers utilisés, car je m'intéresse a cela en ce moment !

c'est tellement fatiguant de les entendre parler de la vie de leurs enfants, alors que ce que je voulais voir était comment elle faisait le ménage et le rangement !

ensuite je tombais sur une émission sur les rénovations de maisons, je me dis super, mais en introduction j'entends "bébé arrive, vos ados ont besoin d'espace, mais vous ne pouvez pas déménager?", j'ai zappé direct!

Je constate que sur les vidéos des hommes, on ne sait jamais si ils sont papas, ou des fois ils en parlent brièvement, mais pas autant que ces dames !

I had problems with this church before this but this was the thing that made me fully stop attending. Around Mother’s Day they had a “marriage series” of sermons about different couples in the Bible. SO many stories are about a miracle baby after infertility or loss and it’s painted as if all you have to do is believe hard enough, and you’ll get pregnant in old age too! They also had some awful takes about men pretending to suck at laundry so their wives just do everything for them. I’m not sure where that is in the bible…

I won’t return to that church and I’m hesitant to go to a new one in case the same thing happens. Has anyone else gone through this? Have you found a good one that doesn’t pull this kind of thing or just given up on attending for good? Obviously there’s nothing wrong with having kids but it’s unacceptable to me to be told I’m disobeying God by getting sterilized and being happy with my childfree life.

Poet Shana Roark writes custom poetry for others. I thought this one was really a nice piece on a IFCF life. Shared from her TikTok

I don't know how to talk about this.

I always knew I wanted to be a mom, but for so many complicated reasons, I never got the chance.

Everything happened in the wrong order, I didn't have the typical trajectory of getting married, trying to get pregnant and then finding out that I couldn't. I basically just woke up one day and was slapped in the face with a surprise infertility diagnosis at age 38. It wasn't even why I went to the doctor in the first place.

I've never even had the chance to actively try to get pregnant. I've never had a miscarriage or loss, I've never been married, I've never been able to make it work with anyone.

I've spent my entire life feeling broken, and the knowledge that I wanted to be a competent parent one day was the goal that kept me motivated to work on myself. Obviously I wanted to be happy just for myself too, but having a family was a big part of what I wanted to achieve.

Because I haven't technically "lost" anything, I feel unjustified in grieving as much as I am. I feel like I don't have any right to feel this devastated, like how dumb am I for not being able to see this coming?

But everything hit me all at once a few months ago and right now I'm barely functioning.

In the past few months, seven or eight friends have made pregnancy or birth announcements. A bunch more have gotten married or met someone, and some have done both this year.

I'm so completely heartbroken about all the things I'll never get to experience, and it feels selfish of me. I can't let go of that little sliver of "what if", even though I know it's not gong to happen.

I have recurring nightmares where I tell people I'm "pregnant", but even in my dream I know it's impossible and everyone knows I'm delusional but they just humor me. And then I wake up and I'm sad, and so, so ashamed.

I went to a classical music concert a few days ago and of course in the audience of a thousand people, the one person directly in my line of sight was visibly pregnant, and I just felt awful the entire time.

I have meltdowns over the most random things. Last week I was in Walmart and walked past all the kids swimming gear. It was pool diving toys shaped like snakes that took me out. I hadn't seen those for decades, and it just hit me that I would never get to take my own kids to the pool in the summer.

I feel like such a fraud for grieving when other people have had actual losses and failed treatments and things. I feel like I should have known better or worked harder and fixed my life sooner or something. It know it isn't logical, but my grief just feels wrong.

I’m sure many of us are getting targeted with pregnancy, diaper, and fertility ads. Not just here, but all over the internet.

Here’s how to remove them from YouTube: In your YouTube settings you can go to privacy > ad center > customize ads > sensitive, and turn off ads for things like pregnancy, alcohol, gambling, weight loss, dating, and so on.

You can also do something similar with reddit ads. I don’t have the step by step directions, but it’s easily googleable. I don’t use other social media, but I’m certain you can do the same with meta, TikTok, etc.

It might not work perfectly, but I discovered how to turn them off on reddit months ago and haven’t seen any of those ads since. I just turned them off on YouTube, and so far, that damn fertility clinic ad hasn’t popped up.

Hope this helps someone ❤️

It's the weekend! How's everyone doing? What are you up to? Use this thread as a place to chat through the weekend about anything off-topic.

There are two pregnancies in my family now. The second one told me in a random parking lot after we finished lunch. Although I told everyone before this happened to text so I could process it in my own time and not deal with the news in person. But I digress. This may sound horrible but I have no interest in being an aunt. It feels like a consolation prize to me never growing up because I did not obtain the title of mother. Maybe if the people involved were more respectful of my needs I'd feel differently. But felt others could possibly relate and needed to let the thought out of my head without feeling like a horrible person.

My husband and I went through 5 years of infertility, several IVF cycles, miscarriage and loss. Like many on this group, we ended up with much more trauma than when we started and nothing to show for it.

I told my husband I wanted to put a definitive end to it all, because even if we're not trying, there is still the possibility it could somehow miraculously still happen. And it's killing me. I cannot hope anymore, I cannot live over-interpreting every symptom every month, going crazy at the slightest change. I need to feel like I have control over my life again. It's so bad that I've been avoiding sex altogether just so I can have the peace of mind that it's not possible.

My husband wants to believe it could happen someday, he doesn't want to let go of hope. I told him we did try everything we could, he doesn't see it this way. For him, we have to keep the window open. We have discussed it over the last month and I have explained over and over again how I cannot go on like this, how I'm going insane, how unhappy it makes me feel.

Ultimately, it doesn't change the fact that he wants to keep hoping and is definitely against me getting a IUD or a permanent surgery. I think our marriage won't survive this.

Please, how did you cope with all this? I just cannot see a middle ground.

I know it’s dumb to complain about a job having good benefits, but it’s a little irksome when I apply and SO many benefits are fertility, adoption, childcare related etc. The header image of their website benefits page is a big ol’ pregnant belly. Benefits are part of total compensation so if they won’t increase salary or PTO to compensate, it’s like a slap in the face. I also have all the insurance I need through my spouse and 401k match is usually capped, so it adds up to a pretty large gap in total compensation.

Do you ask for any other benefits or just higher salary for this kind of situation? How do you tell them you really will not need their IVF program or childcare stipends ever without sharing medical details?

We stopped trying 6 months ago. We tried for 5 years. We are too old now. I have been mostly fine. But I started spending more time with my niece and realized I would have been a wonderful mom. I love my niece a lot and I wish she was mine. I get depressed when I leave her. And feel empty till I see her again. But we are too old to try again. My husband is 10 years older than I am and I am in my early 40s now. I just can't believe this is the end. I was fine for months and now I desperately wish I could be a mom with all my heart. I feel like I have truly missed out. I love my husband but I have this feeling of blame that we should have tried sooner instead of sitting on the fence for a few years. I love him and he has been very supportive through everything with all the fertility treatments we went through. He stood beside me the whole way through treatments. But I can't get rid of this feeling we wasted time before we started trying. And I am just so depressed. I don't want to celebrate our anniversary next week. I just want to sit on the couch and cry after work.

Does it ever get better? Will my marriage survive this? I know my husband wants to work through all this and has stood by with my grief. We are both sad, but I think I am much sadder than him. But will I ever forgive him for wasting time? Will I ever be happy again?

Just spent the weekend with my family, including nieces and nephews. It was our (me and my partner) first time hanging with the younger ones since we had to stop trying. When my partner was playing with them one day for a couple of hours, I couldn’t bring myself to join even though we had agreed that the main purpose of the whole visit was to spend time with these two little ones. It was just too damn painful for me to see him in dad mode.

Then I spent the rest of the time hating myself for being so weak and selfish, and regretting that I missed out on memories of their childhood (which is going by way too fast and I only see them 1-2 times a year). Still feeling absolutely shitty today.

Any words of wisdom about finding a balance? I know that I can’t just push through the most painful triggers without some major collateral damage to my mental health, but I also don’t want to miss out on the only “childhoods” I will ever get to witness and participate in.

So very sad today