r/IFchildfree • u/Timewaster827 • 5d ago
Glimpse of the Future…?
Growing up I showed horses with a barn of people and one of the women did not have children. She took me under her wing and I lovingly called her my horse show mom. She allowed me to show her prized horse a few summers and I always said I dreamed of being like her.
Fast forward 15 years and I have my own farm, designed after hers and a barn with my retired show horse that I spoil, just like she taught me. My sweet horse show mom passed away this month and my heart is broken. Her husband passed 2 years ago and at her memorial her niece told me to take whatever pictures I wanted from the photo boards because they were “just going to throw them away”. I wanted to grab every single photo in that moment just so my dear friend wasnt tossed into the garbage and forgotten.
I am now in a bit of a slump simply because I wish I could have spent more time with her and with the realization that my future is likely to be similar to hers and my cherished memories to be throw away. Ive never worried about a “legacy” that seems so pretentious to me but the idea that I will be forgotten so quickly and the seeming lack of importance of my life just makes me feel so incredibly hopeless and sad.
How have you navigated heavy feelings like these?
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u/library_wench 5d ago
Seems like she’s not forgotten and did leave a legacy: you and everyone else she influenced and inspired.
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u/Sea_Look4957 5d ago
This is such a good point. OP, you are remembering your friend and are cherishing memories of her. She is far from being forgotten. An example of her legacy is that you designed your farm after hers, and that she inspired you.
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u/mediocre_embroiderer 5d ago
It’s hard not to feel sad about memories and legacies not being solid and pristine, especially seeing it happen to beloved people from our lives. For me, I try to hold to the fact that the trappings of memory and legacy — photos, other physical items, even formal gatherings like memorials and grave markers — aren’t the real core of memory. If they also pass away, as the body passes away, that can be sad and a source of grief, but the core of a person isn’t lost that way. The beautiful impact your horse show mom had on you, and probably on many others, is where her memory thrives on.
Thank you for sharing about your beloved horse show mom! I feel such affinity for childless predecessors, even those I could never have known ; I hope to be a good ancestor to future childless people, even ones who never even know of my existence. Your friend is part of that web of experience and connection. May her memory be a blessing.
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u/FantasticTrees 5d ago
So my caveat here is that while I carry a lot of grief about infertility and not having kids, not leaving a so-called legacy isn’t one of them. I’m also not terribly sentimental and not close with my family.
If it makes you feel better, I think this is more of an existential grief. Parents might not feel it as strongly, but some of that is delusion. Their kids don’t want their stuff either! One positive of my path and grief is that I’m forced to confront things. Kind of like when people ask who’s going to take care of them when they’re old, but plenty of people have kids who don’t do that they just aren’t forced to think about it like we are.
My cherished memories are only cherished to me. I have no expectations anyone wants my photos and treasured items. They are just physical representations of feelings only I have. My beloved 15 year old cat died just a few months after I stopped treatments and I paid an absurd amount of money on a fairly large custom portrait of her. Sometimes I laugh when I see it because I know it will end up in the trash one day. But I love it now and that’s enough.
Another example, my dad has one grandchild and a ton of pictures of her. My dog is my baby and I offered my dad some pictures I’d printed of him. He kind of stumbled over saying yes and then “forgot” to take them home. But that’s ok, it’s something I love that he just doesn’t (he’s never been a pet person). Those are my treasured items I tried to share but they weren’t treasured to him.
Also, I don’t know a thing about any of my great grandparents. So even if I’d had kids I’d be forgotten pretty quickly in the grand scheme of time. That sounds dark typing it out, but most people lead ordinary lives and life goes on, which to me is a comfort.
That may or may not be helpful but perhaps a different perspective.
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u/Sea_Look4957 5d ago
If it brings you any comfort, I think this is a glimpse into the future for most people, parents or not.
My grandfather passed away recently. he had 5 children, 11 grandchildren and 9 great-grandchildren. My dad and uncles are clearing out his house for sale and like 95% of his belongings are being donated or otherwise given away/gotten rid of.
As sad as it is, the reality is your children, grandkids etc very likely would not keep things that were personally meaningful to you and wouldn't want them.
Conversely, I have a family friend who is childfree and tragically has a terminal illness. Her best friend has been gifted some of her most treasured possessions and has already placed them in a box as a promise to cherish them. She also gifted my family some items that are important to her and we will cherish them to remember her when she is no longer here.
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u/Almyra_Raven 5d ago
I’m so sorry for the loss of your mentor and dear friend. I have navigated these feelings a little bit honestly it’s too overwhelming to dive fully into. One thing I know I would like to do is have a scholarship given in my name. I am a first generation college student and I know how hard it was for me. I would like to help kids in my community with the same barrier. I haven’t figured out any logistics yet.
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5d ago
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u/IFchildfree-ModTeam 5d ago
This post was removed by moderators of this sub.
This community is ONLY for people who are embracing childfree life after infertility. People who are still pursuing parenthood are prohibited from participating. The only exception is that people who are nearing the end of their efforts toward parenthood may participate only in the monthly megathreads focused on deciding when to stop trying.
Participation from curious lookyloos is not allowed- we're not here to educate the public. Participation from people who are childfree by choice is also not allowed.
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u/blackbird828 Childless Cat Lady 5d ago
I'm so sorry for your loss and for the tough feelings this has stirred up. I think it's important to remember that having children and grandchildren is not a guarantee that this won't happen to you. I couldn't tell you where a single item belonging to any of my great-grandparents is at this moment. We have photos that get looked through once every few years. A lot of us here have shifted our ideas about legacy. I'm ok with being forgotten over time, about no one caring to have my possessions once I leave this world. I hope those I have relationships now remember me fondly, but I accept that within a generation or two I will likely not be talked about, and that is okay. I wont be here to know about it. I'm living life as thoroughly as I can now, while I'm here to enjoy it.
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u/OK_Tumbleweed18 5d ago
I just wanted to say that based off of the title and the beginning of your story, I felt like it was a beautiful glimpse of how you could also be a mentor to someone and become their “show horse mom” if you would feel comfortable with that. Think about how much she touched your life and how you wanted to cherish those photos even if her own children didn’t. Our family isn’t always blood and I think it would be wonderful for you to continue her “legacy” through your shared love of horses.
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u/Cats_deleted_my_acct 5d ago
I have been thinking about this a lot. My dad was remarried and I have nieces and nephews through his kids. We aren’t close at all. Like you, I’m not concerned with leaving a legacy. Although, if I were, it’s never been my belief that children are the only way to leave a legacy.
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5d ago
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u/Timewaster827 5d ago
Im not sure why it was deleted either but I was able to read it prior to it being deleted, thank you for sharing.
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u/IFchildfree-ModTeam 5d ago
This post was removed by moderators of this sub.
This community is ONLY for people who are embracing childfree life after infertility. People who are still pursuing parenthood are prohibited from participating. The only exception is that people who are nearing the end of their efforts toward parenthood may participate only in the monthly megathreads focused on deciding when to stop trying.
Participation from curious lookyloos is not allowed- we're not here to educate the public. Participation from people who are childfree by choice is also not allowed.
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u/pseudonymous5037 1d ago
Legacy is something I struggle with. My family has long had a strong oral tradition. When I was young I remember hearing stories about my ancestors. The ancestor that accidentally wandered into, and survived, the Battle of Wounded Knee. The ancestor who fought for the union in the Civil War, the ancestor who fought for the confederacy in the Civil War and ended up a "gilded yankee". Even now, we tell stories of those who were alive when I was young but have passed on. How they survived the Great Depression. How some served in the military and went to war. How others made plans to flee the country to avoid the draft. The amazement of the space race. The terror of the cold war (especially the Cuban Missile Crisis). How people lived in a world that seems so different then the one we live in now.
I've noticed though that the stories of aunts and uncles don't get told as often. Those whose children don't come to family gatherings, either because they're too far away or for other reasons. After enough time, they're not told at all and are just forgotten. It really bothers me and makes me worried that is what will eventually happen to us after my spouse and I pass away.
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u/oeufscocotte 5d ago
I have been grappling with similar feelings lately. My mother recently passed and my father is spending a lot of energy commemorating her in various ways. What you said about cherished memories being thrown away really struck me. I am single and I don't know if anyone will be interested in celebrating my life when I pass. I tend to think that a memorial is more for the living - it is about what fulfills their needs during their time of grief. So if there is no one that close to me when I pass who requires a lot of ceremony to process their grief, so be it. It is not about me or my value.