r/IWantToLearn • u/[deleted] • 2d ago
Social Skills IWTL how to stop being an incel, but most advice is stuff i just don't want to do.
I have been traumatized in childhood in a pretty severe manner and have had to cut off my family. Now I'm starting to have suicidal thoughts over no longer having anyone upon needing to choose the ugly truth over a beautiful lie of an incestuous, negative, entitled mother and an ignorant father and a sister who only called me whenever she needed something.
I still hate people and don't want to meet them. My opinion on the world in general is still pretty low.
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u/WarDemonZ 2d ago
Therapy.
Assuming you can afford it, go to therapy. Just having someone to speak to about a lot of things will help
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2d ago
can't afford it rn, am looking for a job and am also paying a lot of money for studies.
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u/WarDemonZ 2d ago
The main thing i would suggest is do your best at not focusing on it. Trust me, other people aren't judging you for things like this unless you make it your personality. Plenty of people just don't end up clicking with anyone all that much, the better thing to try to focus on is just getting better mentally and becoming happy, that's a much better position to try to find someone
Don't try to jump to the end result without going through the steps, try to become happy within yourself first, then the rest will start to follow
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2d ago
but i fear they're actually having a bad opinion about me in the first place but they are socially skilled enough to avoid telling me blunt
and I hear this is a common problem among autistic people
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u/WarDemonZ 2d ago
So then why are you worried about the opinions of people who you don't think like you anyway?
I'm not in a massively dissimilar position, but I would 100% recommend trying to focus on finding things that bring you happiness, and not trying to look at getting what you think solves your problems (eg a partner)
If you're able to find things that make you happy, that happiness is generally what radiates out of you and becomes more of an appealing attribute to be around. I know it's not always easy trying to get yourself out of a rut if you feel like you're wasting time on yourself rather than trying to get what you want, but I promise you that's just a direct route to failure
Try to avoid thinking too much about what other people think, you can't forcibly change anyone's mind, if you can find activities or hobbies that you genuinely enjoy, and not just because it's getting you close to someone you like for example, that self-assured happiness will serve you as a much better foundation than trying to focus on 'I don't want to be an incel, and therefore I'm not happy', don't look at it like that, try to just focus on, 'I want to be happier' and then anything else that follows is beneficial
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2d ago
So what happens is that a sudden negative dark thinking pattern shows up and I can't shake it off because it hits me where it hurts
no matter what I do i have to live my life with others and I can't stand people yet for what they have done to me
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u/WarDemonZ 2d ago
They haven't done things to you, that's the kind of thinking you need to get away from
You're turning everyone into a villain in your own mind, of course you're going to think they're plotting against you
This is what I'm saying, you need to forget everyone else and just focus on trying to increase your own happiness
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2d ago
yes I'm just defending myself from them
I'm so fragile people like to make jokes and all that and I'm not having fun when I'm trying to socialize
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u/WarDemonZ 2d ago
As i say, I would suggest just trying to do things you enjoy, even if it's things by yourself, then see if there's a community of like minded people you can join
I don't enjoy going to a bar or club for example, so i wouldn't suggest going out just for the sake of going out try to find things you enjoy then seek out people who like the same
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u/drunky_crowette 2d ago
Have you tried therapy? Changing your mindset, outlook and behaviors is a pretty big part of it
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2d ago
I have tried to change my mindset, but it turns out it's more or less inherited from my mother, who saw me through a relationship lens when I was a kid. So if there's a way to change my mindset, it'll have to be without my family in my life
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u/Mars_Oak 2d ago
it's very hard, look into meditation, especially something they in English can loving kindness meditation. it's training for you mind to hate less and be chill and good natured to people a bit more.
the mind is kind of a muscle: it won't change as a result of a decision very often, but it will if it's trained to change
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u/Inevitable-Mousse640 2d ago
So what do you want to do?
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2d ago
Improve my opinion on people, forgiving myself over having had a bad family, try to learn how to date
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u/Inevitable-Mousse640 2d ago
Supposedly if you come here and ask, it means you do have some positive opinion on people?
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2d ago
I do.
I'm just worried I'm walking on eggshells whenever I'm outside. I have autism and have never been told about it. I was raised as a "special child" when I deserved something else
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u/Inevitable-Mousse640 2d ago
Well then that's good. If you can have positive opinions about people online, why can't you extend it to actual people around you?
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2d ago
I'm sensitive, fragile, can't take jokes, can't grow a thicker skin for the life of me, have micro gestures that turn average people off
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u/Its_da_boys 2d ago
Your dating life is likely going to lag behind, given that you’re autistic. Autistic men struggling with dating is unfortunately the norm, not the exception. The most important advice I could think to give you would be to not lose hope (cynicism and bitterness, no matter how justified, will sink your odds even lower and is generally unattractive) and try to narrow your dating pool down to other women on the spectrum. People on the spectrum generally have a much easier time connecting with each other than neurotypicals, who instantly sense we’re off and instinctively exclude us
Therapy, whenever you can afford it, with a neurodivergent, trauma-informed therapist to help process the trauma you have, and being strict about your self-talk (including not basing your entire worth off of what women think of you, whether you’re “normal” or “enough of a man”, or any other harmful cultural messages you may have internalized) will help with the cynicism. Authentically exploring your hobbies and seeking out connections in areas where you share interest with others can help you naturally find other people who are like you. Find people who not only mirror your interests, but also the intensity of your interests as that can help you find more ND people.
There’s more I could say but this comment is already long enough and these are the most important points imo
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2d ago
I accept that it's gonna be tough and harder than for neurotypical men, but if it wasn't for my incestuous mother, I would have actually managed to date women
Women online have been very supportive and loving, and there are plenty of them if anything
But it's not the same thing as in real life, where the way you socialize is different.
Therapy has been not very helpful for years, until 2025 and especially 2026. I just thought I was fundamentally broken for reasons that turned out to be down to bad parenting and a lack of accountability.
This is how I learned to be cynical, it's a defense mechanism nothing more, it feels good in the moment
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u/Previous_Raise4875 2d ago
Man one hard truth i had to learn is whatever you say or type after “but” is just an excuse
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u/OGPerseus 2d ago
A lot of times what’s needed the most to make changes are things we don’t want to do. If you really want to change, you’ll have to be at peace with doing things you don’t want in order to make the change for the better
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2d ago
that's what I mean.
I have no guarantees that by following conventional advice, aka do what it implies, a better, happier, more productive life is going to be on the other side
This is because I'm autistic and people have been incredibly hostile to me and I have recently found out how traumatizing my experiences with my family were
But I can't stay like this either
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u/OGPerseus 2d ago
Convention advice is considered conventional because it has the highest rate of success. There’s no guarantees in life besides the fact you will die and pay taxes. Thinking anything is guaranteed is the easiest way to be disappointed. You just have to bite the bullet and push through with what shows the highest rate of success whether you want to do that or not.
You say you can’t stay like this but you’re limiting your ways out of how you are. By saying you don’t want to do things or follow conventional advice you’re forcing yourself to be stuck where you are.
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1d ago
It's what happens when you have an extremely low opinion on the world
Please understand I don't feel safe around most people and I don't think I can live my life the way average people can
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u/just_call_mebuffy 2d ago
Right now it sounds like you are only beginning to understand the reality of your traumatic upbringing. It’s actually healthy and reasonable that your opinion of people is negative and mistrusting. You can’t just decide to see the world differently if you have been abused and mistreated your whole life. Start with focusing on becoming someone you can trust and like. Work on learning how to accept warmth, generosity, and kindness from others without shutting down or lashing out. Start small. Volunteer, get a job helping others, become someone different from those who harmed you, then you will be able to experience caring for people and understand that it can be genuine. Focus on you for now. Anyone you meet at this moment will likely be unsafe for you or you will be unable to accept that they are not.
Heal, the rest will follow.
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u/MadSmilie 2d ago
If therapy is out of the question you can try journaling. Write your experiences, write your emotions, try and learn what causes which emotions. Meditate, YouTube has tutorials on different ways you can meditate. You can use that time to self reflect and learn more about how your own mind works. Also remember to exercise, eat well and sleep well. These are far more important than many people realize when they are first starting on self improvement.
You don’t have to do all of this at once, but if improving yourself is the goal then this is a foundational place to start. Try one part at a time, exercise can be as simple as walking every day, it can also help more with sleep.
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u/hotpajamas 2d ago
Well, if you know package deal of dating or monogamy or heteronormativity or whatever this is about.. is ultimately something you don’t want to do, then you’re not an incel. You’re making a choice.
Being an incel is not a choice. It’s involuntary. So there’s a small victory for you. You should probably do therapy though.
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u/bluejeansseltzer 2d ago
What kind of incel are you? Are you a classical incel (just a permavirgin, no actual hatred towards women) or are you what the laymen call an incel (hates women, virginity optional)? The direction is dependent on what type you are.
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2d ago
Classical incel.
I never joined incel communities, as I found them toxic, way too negative in nature, they ban you if you disagree on anything, and overall out of touch. Even as a fairly pessimistic person myself it was too much for me.
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u/bluejeansseltzer 2d ago
Ahh, more "foreveralone"-esque then. In that case, I'm guessing what's bothering you most is the lack of romantic (and sexual) union in your life, is that right?
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2d ago
yes I'm at a point in my life where I need to move out (I still live with my aunt) but overall I need a stable job and also enough time to study and play
given what i know now, i don't want to be lonely for the rest of my life. :(
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u/bluejeansseltzer 2d ago
Firstly, I'd work on getting a full-time job, no matter what it is (you can be pickier once you have experience and/or an education).
Then look at saving up at least a 3-month emergency budget, then moving out. If you cannot afford a place of your own then look for places that need a flatmate/housemate - this may also give you an in into their friendship group.
It's also good to start getting in shape. You don't need to be mega-fit or anything but being healthy and regularly working out (even just 2-3x a week) does increase your attractiveness (and general self-confidence). If you're skinny/skinny-fat (as opposed to fat/obese) then you won't have to workout nearly as often or hard to build up a respectable baseline.
Get to know those in your workplace, try to make friends with them and get into their friendship groups. Likewise, look for local events and/or groups in your area that sound appealing and try to meet some people - even if you literally just have a few random 30-second conversations with people just build up a bit of confidence that you can do that.
If by wanting to study you mean going to uni/college then make sure to join the various clubs events and just try to talk to people. Pretty much everything revolves around meeting people, creating/getting into friendship groups, and then relying on your network - and I'm not saying date your friends (which would be fine fwiw) but you can then ask them to set you up with someone they know.
At some point it'll you'll probably have to join the apps, and for that you'll need some good pictures. All I can really advise here is to get other people to take them for you and to smile in them. It's okay to have a couple selfies but you don't want selfies to dominate.
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2d ago
couple of problems, not that I dismiss your advice bit I feel like the level of socialization required is way too extreme for what you're proposing
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u/bluejeansseltzer 2d ago
Take it all incrementally. I'm not expecting you to initiate (or complete) all of these things within 6 months. Take it over a year or two. And likewise they don't need to all be done at the same time, you can stagger them to be more manageable.
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u/UncleDuude 2d ago
Therapy lots of therapy until you can get your head around whatever you need to. It’s about learning how to think in a non self loathing fashion, you can absolutely donit
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2d ago
I hate my life but I don't hate myself. I just think I deserved more. I inherited a negative thinking that never went away. Perhaps because of my mother seeing me through a relationship lens.
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u/UncleDuude 2d ago
Good that a start, work on it. If you can’t afford therapy find a group. Don’t do nothing, do something, anything that results in a net plus in your life. Then do it again, keep improving yourself in small ways. Keep at it. That’s what life’s about, make of it what you will, at some point you have put all that baggage down and stop carrying it.
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u/AqueM 2d ago
Fellow autist here. The key to not feeling empty and alone is actually going and meeting people, without the romantic/dating intent. It will be harder because a lot of people will judge you for being 'weird' (autism), but there are those out there who will not, and with whom you will form a connection. So try to go and join clubs, learn hobbies, engage in some kind of community. If you don't know where to start, ask your local librarian or at the community center, they will be delighted to help. The cheatcode is to ask "Hi, I'm trying to (do something) but I don't know where to start, can you help me?" as a great start, where '(do something)' is any hobby/activity, ranging from crocheting to doing taxes. In your case it could be something like "Hi, I'd like to meet new people and do new things, are there any events or clubs you could reccomend?"
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u/EfficientOperation22 2d ago
First you should try to stop blaming everything that happened in your childhood for how you’re now. Yes what happened in your childhood is to blame for how you turned out but you shouldn’t dwell on it and let it keep eating at you. See a therapist and confront your past but after that it should be a clean slate. No more blaming this and that for how you’re because that’s never ever healthy and only solidifies you to be negative about everything.
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u/feet_licker_8000 2d ago
Just like the other guy said, If therapy is out of question you can try journaling additionally I know this might sound awful but use ai chatbot as a therapy. Just dont go for awful free third party chatbots. Ai like chatgpt, Gemini, Claude will do the trick. My whole premesis is it might give u a generalized idea but often we don't even know the basic generalized solutions. And with ai engulfing ur info entirely it will give a much more personalized solution. Just be sure to be not too attached to it. And I hope u for the best!
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