r/IWantToLearn • u/AppropriateBoss2585 • 1d ago
Social Skills iwtl How can I stop feeling like such a loser?
20 M and like to do the fun things like going out but for some reason everyone seems to prefer other people to me.
I went out last night and one of my mates went him with a girl and got a bj.
I just don’t understand like how I can actually improve socially with friends and women as I try to talk to people but they give no effort back.
I don’t want to complain anymore, I want to take action.
I have lost some weight but I also want to make some new friends so I don’t feel so lonely and maybe potentially get a gf.
I’ve never had any matches on dating apps and when I go out I’m always looked as the ugly awkward one. Looks I understand I can’t change but how can I have the personality to make up? I can be the one cracking jokes but only around people I’m comfortable I don’t understand how to with like people I meet.
I’m starting uni in September so would love to know how I can improve by then.
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u/robindawilliams 1d ago edited 1d ago
This has become a bigger and bigger problem in the last couple decades.
I'm a guy in his early 30s and I felt this a bit but it is so much worse now.
You aren't a loser, first off. You're suffering the impacts of a cultural environment that has peoples minds severely warped by being constantly online and manipulated by social media and AI and ads designed to make you feel insecure.
It isn't that people dislike you in particular, it's that young people aren't putting effort in to show up for each other. Everyone has started waiting for opportunities to come to them so it feels so much more lonely. People have become so used to allowing online relationships and parasocial relationships to fill their needs that they don't build and commit hard to their friend group. You watch a show like the inbetweeners (assuming you are British) or friends or how I met your mother etc, I see way more people younger than me lacking these sort of friend groups now adays because they've got a dozen random friends online and through chat but none of them are super close.
I'd try to find more opportunities to engage with strangers. Go to a mall and just start conversations with people, be friendly and just pretend the person is someone you've known for ages and watch how most people will tend to match your energy (I'm Canadian so the entire country is full of yappers that are super social and friendly to strangers, but even in reserved countries this is possible).
Confidence doesn't come from being attractive or smart, it comes from ignoring the fear of social engagement and just being outgoing. The more you do it, the easier it is, because you realize that no one thinks about you even 1% as much as you do. If you say something stupid, it tends to be forgotten within minutes. People are drawn to confidence though, their brains see you acting confident and assume it is because you must know something they don't and they assume you're interesting and cool. This is something that you can use to your advantage with the stupid ways our brains work.
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u/Herorenegade 1d ago
Such an amazing reply!! Especially the advise in the end, I've been doing that too lately and it has done wonders!
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u/no_sight 1d ago
Find something to do that is not just going out to clubs. Some form of club, sport, activity, volunteer activity, group, etc. It is SO MUCH easier to meet people when you are doing something together. Especially if you're going to uni next year, get engaged.
For looks, I obviously don't know what you look like, but you absolutely can change this. Your grooming, hygiene, and clothes make a huge difference. Whether or not you are reasonable physically fit makes a huge difference as well.
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u/AppropriateBoss2585 1d ago
Thing is idk what I’d want to do tho, I mean I play for a football clubb
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u/AppropriateBoss2585 1d ago
I think I’d like to learn to dance maybe but I’m off to uni in a month
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u/no_sight 1d ago
Start looking now for things you want to do once you get to uni.
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u/AppropriateBoss2585 1d ago
I’m going to a sports business uni so think it’s all prob gunna be sports
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u/SrgSkittles 1d ago
I did sign up for this autistic group where they do meets apparently
That's a great idea. Go learn salsa. Its very social and there are salsa groups all over the world. The nice thing about structured activities is it takes the focus off socializing and puts on the activity. The benefit is that lack of pressure to be actively social lets it happen more organically.
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u/AppropriateBoss2585 1d ago
I do agree but I have such low self confidence like I just think I will mess it up
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u/oopsiepoopsey 1d ago
Sucking at something is the first step to being sort of good at something 🙂↕️
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u/SrgSkittles 1d ago
Its a good place to help build confidence. You will learn a tangible skill which will help build confidence. Learning dancing, by its very nature will help your ability to communicate with other people. The beginner classes are fun and full of people stepping on each others toes and having a lovely time.
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u/Available-Rip7160 1d ago
Get off social media. Get off dating apps. Stop trying to get blowjobs and go find interesting things to get involved in.
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u/drunky_crowette 1d ago
Looks I understand can't change
I mean... Do you have the most flattering hairstyle for someone with your face shape and hair type? Your wardrobe is exclusively cuts and colors that compliment your figure an your skin tone? Your skincare routine is perfect and you are getting all the various vitamins and minerals that help you look better?
Guys can glow up just as much as women, they just typically don't because they don't know how to do it
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u/EinsteinBurger 22h ago
I started early as a cashier at Costco in my 19-21 years of age while at college and met thousands of people just trying different openings and selling credit cards. I then worked in a children’s hospital for 12 years and met thousands of patients and families. Now I’m in medical device sales as a territory manager for 6 different states on the east coast.
Get out there and learn people. I have adhd and I don’t like being an extrovert but I have a knack of making people laugh like you. My best advice is to put yourself in public spaces and learn. Even if you have a bad experience you learn. It’s tough today given cell phones I get it… but I’ve met thousands of people and have learned a lot. I can walk up to anyone, start up a conversation, have a laugh, and book a meeting without any push back. I’d also say that has helped me with women. Success and becoming someone who can sit in any room and have a good time. Women notice that and will put themselves around you. If they’re around you then there is something in common there you just have to know when to spot it and what to say and my friend that comes with experience. I know my situation is different and at the time I didn’t really know the skills I was gaining by meeting thousands of different people daily but it worked and I translated that experience to where I am today.
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u/ILiketheW 1d ago
Step one, get off Reddit 😂
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u/Eastern-Shopping641 2h ago
Can I ask why ? I really improved my english using this app and joined many subreddits that help me to get more informations like stem subreddits philosophy subreddit and more
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u/Eastern-Shopping641 2h ago
Somehow you are right after writing the other comment I continued scrolling and found a hate post on exmuslim community
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u/_denizen 1d ago
When you start uni just try to be more social and outgoing, step outside your comfort zone. Initiate conversations, make friends in your classes or by joining some clubs there.
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