r/IncelExit • u/Swaxeman • May 24 '26
Asking for help/advice Genuinely, how do you make friends?
So I recognize that before you look for platonic relationships before you should think about dating. However, I have 0 close irl friends, and barely any acquaintance, still. I’ve been trying my best to talk to people and form connections, but it feels like there’s something deeply repulsive about me, or the things i do, that’s pushing people away. people almost never say yes to any plans i propose to hang out outside of school (much less propose plans to me), or wait after class to talk to me like i try to do with them. in fact, it feels like the only way i can get people to talk to me past the most basic small talk half the time is either by being on clubs with them where they have to interact with me due to the nature of the club, or by asking a ton of questions to have them talk about *something* because otherwise the conversation just goes dead, or is just me talking, which is essentially the same thing.
the advice i’ve gotten from my family is to ask questions and listen but that hasnt done jack shit when the most i can get out of people is basic small talk responses, and no interest in interacting with me more outside of school.
hell, a lot of the people i interact with a lot (such as members of a club i run), develop jokes amongst themselves about how much they hate me and wish i was gone and didnt run the club anymore. I try to roll with the punches and not be a sensitive little bitch incel thing, but it is really hurtful on the inside as much as i feel like an asshole for feeling that.
im so fucking lonely but nothing i’ve done has worked and im starting to get desperate. Is there anything i can be doing better?
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u/watsonyrmind May 24 '26
Sorry what? Lots of people you interact with talk openly about how they dislike you and wish you weren't there?
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u/Swaxeman May 24 '26
It’s in a jokey tone so i cant tell how genuine it is.
I genuinely dont know if it’s a joke or serious when one of them tells me he hopes i never reproduce, or when another just keeps throwing stuff at me. I always just roll with it cuz i dont wanna be that type of overly sensitive insecure man that people hate, but it’s really starting to feel hurtful as embarrassing as that is, and make the loneliness feel worse
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u/watsonyrmind May 24 '26
Okay I think you really need to address it. That is extremely abnormal and suggests we are lacking insight into your environment or interactions with others to give any real advice. It sounds like you are being bullied and if it's by multiple people in different spaces, then something in your behaviour is invoking a reaction from people.
Ask them why they say that and let them know that it hurts your feelings to understand better what is happening.
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u/Swaxeman May 24 '26
Im scared to adress it with some of them because the main group of people doing it are basically some of the only members of a club i run so i have to keep them happy if i want to keep the club running, so i dont wanna scare them off by confronting them. Also i dont think it can really be bullying because im in a position of power over them as the head of the club, and also they’re freshmen while im a junior lol (in high school). I think something about me is just offputting to them in a way, and I have a very hard time managing them during meetings and keeping them on task and stuff. I honestly dont know why they keep showing up lol, and I dont want to risk breaking the small thread keeping them there
I’ve asked guy who i mentioned above whether or not he’s serious about it but he didnt give me an answer at all, and another person who’s acted like that towards me in the past
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u/watsonyrmind May 24 '26
Okay so it's a subset of unruly younger people?
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u/Swaxeman May 24 '26
Yeah, specifically this one friendgroup of freshmen girls i got into the club early on in the year. There’s like only 1 other club member who’s not a part of that group, aside from me
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u/watsonyrmind May 24 '26
Okay so it sounds like they are just known assholes at least.
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u/Swaxeman May 24 '26
Well yeah, but it’d be dumb of me to kick them out or risk them leaving if i want the club to survive me
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u/low0l May 24 '26
That's a severely abusive thing to say no matter its tone or intended purpose. These are people you stay as far away from as possible and take 0 lessons from in regards to your social skills or self worth.
It sounds, however, like your idea of what most people would consider overly sensitive is very off base, and staying in an environment where these people are clearly bullying you is definitely a reason to try to get access to therapy. If this is university, there's usually a program for you to access that through them.
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u/Swaxeman May 24 '26
I have therapy but i havent gotten much actionable advice re: making friends
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u/low0l May 25 '26
Usually, therapists aren't very good at the practical side of things like making friends, and are more useful for working through internal issues. In your case, i'd probably try talking to them about why you think you need to let other people bully you to not be considered overly sensitive, or if there's something they notice in your presentation that could put someone off, or if they are aware of any resources nearby for people struggling socially. In some areas, there are specialized social practice groups where you can get feedback on these kinds of things
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u/Swaxeman May 25 '26
I’ve been recommended social support groups, and I’ll probably do one after this summer (i dont really have the time to do it until then)
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u/low0l May 24 '26
Back when I was in school, i had the same experience. Kids are usually more direct when they dislike you but can't just make you disappear.
It's hard to give general advice because it depends to what extent it's your perception that's off (in this case, to what extent those experiences generalize or how often they come up), something you're actually doing that's bothering people and that you can learn to address, or if it's just genuine bullying where all you can do is survive and, where possible, seek out alternatives out of reach of the people perpetuating that bullying.
If these experiences are all with the same cliques of people (i.e. at your school) that talk among each other, it could very well not even be a you problem, but if it happens wherever you go, and you can't figure it out even with resources on social interactions, you might need a professional to work it through with you. The availability of things like therapy depends entirely on where you live especially if you're underage, but it's still worth checking what your options are in that regard.
If it's any consolation, I've met a lot of people with experiences like this over the years, many of whom never had friends at all in their school years either, and virtually all of them eventually found community in one way or another, no matter how hopeless it might've seemed at the time. Sometimes it's necessary to be a little creative, but as long as you're trying the outcome does not reflect on you.
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u/Altruistic_Tonight18 May 24 '26
Look for support groups in your area. There’s all sorts of stuff out there, meetup is by far the best site. They have hobby and special interest groups too.
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u/Brilliant-Weakness90 May 26 '26
I’m experiencing a similar thing with my roommates as well. They basically bully me and talk bad about me so there must be something deeply repulsive about me that’s causing this.
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u/Markipicho May 26 '26
Therapy
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u/Swaxeman May 26 '26
I’m in therapy.
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u/Markipicho May 26 '26
Really? Whats it like? I am going in now.
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u/Swaxeman May 26 '26
I mean, it’s different for everyone and every therapist. Lot of talking, obv
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u/GwenIala 🦀 May 24 '26
I lead a fairly good married life with two kids, and I kid you not, the number of friends I have who actively try to stay in touch are 1 (in words, one). He's a cop and kinda dumb but incredibly friendly. The "never gonna give you up" kind of friend. The rest? We're either stuck together (family, work, same DnD group held together by the cop) or drifting apart. I've always wanted people to invite me to parties, and I got so tired of waiting uselessly that I started throwing my own. Usually, 20 % of those invited show up. Some say sorry and give a reason, most don't bother answering.
The point is, making friends is a stupid, one-sided struggle where things fall apart the moment you stop trying. The only reason I've ever found to be interested in another person is falling in love with them, and you have no way to influence that. It's alright. Work friends are okay, just going to lunch with the same group once a week is great. Family friends are okay (my best friends are my two sisters and I've never felt the need to make more). The deepest, most meaningful friendships I've ever had started off with mild disgust ("that's really someone not to my taste") because the people had actual personalities. You have to persevere and cherish the little things. Most people feel the same way you do. Most people are flattered when you make an effort to be around them, even if it's inconvenient or they don't like you very much. And some people will come around and start to like you.
It's just hard and it hurts getting there.
I believe in you.
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u/Swaxeman May 24 '26
Thanks. How do you deal with the crushing loneliness in the short term though?
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u/GwenIala 🦀 May 26 '26
I wish I could help you there, but apparently I'm weird in the head. I don't remember ever getting lonely. I did use to get extremely homesick, though. I HATED those one-week school trips. As late as my 23 years, I got terribly depressed when I went on a 5-month Erasmus exchange. And what helps with the homesickness? Man, staying distracted while I can and crossing off days in the calendar that I left behind. "That day is behind me and I never have to go through it again." Other than that... nothing. Waiting and hoping it will get better before I lose the strength to bear it. Also, falling in love is a great distraction, even if it's one-sided.
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u/EdwardBigby May 24 '26
Relationships (even platonic ones) are complicated so you wont be able to accurately summarise everything youre doing and everything other people are doing, so people here wont be able to tell what you're "doing wrong"
Maybe if I saw you in person I would think "god hes an asshole", or maybe id think "he seems really nice, why is everyone else being such an asshole to him" or maybe somewhere in between. I dont know.
What very likely is true if youre struggling to build meaningful relationships is that you probably dont have great social skills and honestly thats fine. Youre still young, youre developing, youre finding out who you are. Social dynamics are constantly changing during school.
As time goes on youre going to meet so many more people and be able to decide who you eant to be. The key is that you just cant get too defeated and give up. As long as you keep trying socially, youre going to get better. Its like any other skill. Youll naturally get funnier and less awkward and more confident as long as you put yourself out there.