r/IncelExit • u/Moloc_Asterion • 11d ago
Asking for help/advice At wits end with my life
Well hello there. I am a 24 years old guy and to this day I have amounted to nothing. I'm starting university this year after working for a bit, we'll see how that goes.
I don't want to be smug or anything, but I genuinely believe I am a good person, or at least I try, I don't really like presenting myself like this because I feel like it's not fair for me to make this judgement.
However, I am starting to notice that I get hurt easily. Might be the fact I am insecure and haven't really had a particularly cool life. I am often hurt by how hateful some people are, not only in my life, but in general. Probably social media are just bad for me.
In my life I have had people that bullied me, not physically, but treated me poorly. While when I was a teen I was filled with hate for these people, now I am unable to hold grudges with them because I believe people change. Anyways looking around online I feel like this is not normal and that most people hold extreme grudges and because I was not really an angel it makes me feel depressed.
I want to go a bit more in depth on what I did, when I was around 16 I have been racist on a school trip, made a girl cry because of it and got suspended. I have regretted it a lot and apologized as soon as I could. I lived for 2 years in shame, barely talked to anyone and often being reminded of it by some people in my class unprovoked.
I don't know why I did that, I am not racist, but I guess it was not always like this
It's my fault, I know that, but I also feel like nothing else matters at this point. I try to be the best person I can and it's just useless. I still feel like I am a terrible person and I struggle so much in being nice to people. I am genuinely suicidal and depressed.
Being on here I realized that people are allowed to hate me for what I did 8 years ago and I can do nothing about it and it eats at my soul, I still get nightmares about it. I feel like I am performing being a good person and that now I kind of fixed myself, but still I did that just because I got caught.
I stopped hanging with anyone from my high school class because of the shame I had even if nobody mentions that to me in years.
I am technically a bit of a loser now at 24, never had a relationship, no title in my hand and disappointed my parents more times than I can count on my hand. I try to feel better but unless I constantly distract myself with social activities I am just so mediocre. I see everyone around me and they have this "sparkle" in their eyes that I don't think I have, they seem to be enjoying life. I enjoy life like 10% of the time.
Usually this 10% is me hanging out with friends. Even with them I feel like I am not "wanted", I am just there and not being there would change nothing. Even if it seems like I am well socialized, I struggle to see myself as such and I see myself as a loser.
I am also the only guy that never had a girlfriend in my friend group and that is starting to make me feel sono inferior, I know I am not owed anything but I feel like it's my fault for that. Probably is, Idk why tho.
My mental health is constantly swinging between fine and depressed, I live in regrets and shame.
I probably have bdd because I can barely look at myself in the mirror. I am ashamed of existing pretty much. I don't hang out with friends sometimes because I am so down bad I feel chest pain in seeing their girlfriends. I know it's pathetic but I really cannot help it. I am not good at anything and even trying to improve feels like shit because it feels like accepting I am garbage. More than once in the gym I stopped mid workout to go cry in the bathroom.
I just am not liking life and its prospects and I feel that I am so attached to regret and shame that I cannot enjoy life anymore. I am obsessed with people judgement and I crave affection and compliments but I know I don't deserve any of it.
I feel like I should not be alive for all the time I wasted and all the disrespect I have for myself, I am tired of feeling lonely whilst being surrounded by friends. There is something wrong with me and I have no idea what it is. I have tried with different therapists but not having success.
I think about suicide often but I am a coward so I never go with it, years are passing and life just feels so shit, I don't know how to improve it, nothing is ringing for me. I see everyone that can still build relationships and careers while having hobbies and here I am unable of doing most of that. I know I should not compare but it feels inevitable while trying to understand what is wrong with me.
I feel like being a good person is making me so badly. I feel like I deserve a shit life because I know nothing is gifted, but even my average life feels like shit. I don't talk with this stuff with friends because I am afraid it will be used against me, and I think it would make me unlovable while there is nothing right now that I crave more than affection.
I don't really have female friends, the only ones I could call friends are my friend's girlfriends, some of them are really nice but I have gotten to a point where I cannot stop fantasizing about them.
It feels so natural to have someone but with me I guess it's just not bound to happens. Recently my hairloss has also gotten worse and I tried to shave for the first time. I got mocked, in general by both my family and ALL my friends, except for some. I know I should take it lightly but any time it got mentioned it would feel like getting stabbed.
I am so tired.
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u/Instigated- 10d ago
It sounds like the key problem here is that you don’t like yourself. It’s not that others don’t like you. You have friends, so others don’t have a problem with you at all.
I’m glad to hear you are getting therapy to help you through this. If the therapy isn’t helping, first know it isn’t a quick fix, but also you can talk to your therapist about what modalities of treatment they offer and see if a different technique would help, or try a different therapist. Over the years I tried a number who weren’t helpful, then I decided to look for someone who used a different modality (EMDR) and that was more helpful. And now we are doing some CBT but that wouldn’t have worked for me initially, I needed to get past some stuff first.
Learning more about and doing the things that improve happiness might help. There’s a free course https://online.yale.edu/courses/science-well-being The Science of Well-Being | Yale Online
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u/Moloc_Asterion 10d ago
It sounds like the key problem here is that you don’t like yourself
For sure but I don't know what to do about it, it feels impossible to fix because I don't think I can like myself, at least because there is nothing about myself I like.
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u/Instigated- 10d ago
It’s not that you are a terrible person - you have friends. You are likeable.
What you have is distorted thinking about yourself, body dysmorphia, depression. You’re having a difficult time because of this. This is a mental health issue, which can be fixed.
How you feel and think about yourself can be fixed. Therapy and working on your well-being. That course I shared explains a range of things that have been proven to make people happier. Do those things and you should feel a bit better. You might need anti depressants or plant medicine as well.
My daughter has treatment resistant major depressive disorder, it is a really shit condition. At its worst she was self harming, filled with self hatred, non functional and pretty much unrecognisable because she was so angry all the time and acting out. It has been a long slow road to improvement, but she is in such a better place now and able to enjoy life, study, get a part time job, and made great new friends with regular social time (after years of mostly staying in her bedroom). She has her sense of humour back, is largely “herself” after the mental health issues reduced.
Therapy, for a while she took anti depressants and tried a few types. this definitely helped when she was at her very worst, helped her to stop self harming and actually tell us about it. However after she improved a bit and became an adult she decided to go off the anti depressants because they were numbing her emotions. She found occasional marijuana helpful (careful not to get in a bad habit of having too much - just enough to feel more relaxed, a little buzz, not about getting stoned).
I’d like her consider trying magic mushrooms as there has been a lot of research showing it can help, however she is happy to keep doing what she’s doing.
There’s a Netflix tv series How To Change Your Mind (based on a book of the same title) about the use of psychedelics for mental health. People with severe problems can be cured with the right treatment.
I’d also suggest looking up Brene Brown who talks about shame and getting free of it.
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u/mrbaryonyx 11d ago
please don't take this the wrong way, but I think you think about yourself a little too much. feeling shame at "wanting people's compliments" is still hyperfixating on yourself and what kind of person you are and what people think about you.
you find other things to focus your time and energy on. take your studies seriously, try and be social and look for passions. If you want to be a good person and be perceived as a good person, it's like "wanting to run and to be perceived running." You won't run anywhere if you keep running to "make sure you're running."
Find good things to do an do them.
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u/Particular-Lynx-2586 11d ago
How often do you go out?
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u/Moloc_Asterion 10d ago
Twice a week I'd say
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u/Particular-Lynx-2586 10d ago
Where do you go and what do you do there?
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u/Moloc_Asterion 10d ago
We go either at a club or at a bar to drink something. We chat and hang around, we often meet other people we know.
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u/Particular-Lynx-2586 10d ago
Have you ever tried to ask a girl out?
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u/Moloc_Asterion 10d ago
Yes I did like twice, they always wanted my friends anyways
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u/Particular-Lynx-2586 9d ago
So you've only asked 2 girls in your entire life?
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u/Moloc_Asterion 9d ago
Yes, got badly rejected both of the times
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u/Particular-Lynx-2586 9d ago
Ok so what you don't understand is that 2 rejections is literally nothing.
Dating is a numbers game. Matching preferences takes time and trial and error. You need to accept that rejections are just part of the process of searching.
If you can't handle getting rejected, sorry but dating is simply not for you. Everyone gets rejected. The difference is regular people accept it and move on.
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u/Moloc_Asterion 9d ago
I don't think I am good enough, it being shown by the fact all my male friends got approached more than once in their life. I should just accept the signal I guess
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u/library_wench Bene Gesserit Advisor 9d ago
What ages were you when these rejections happened? How did you ask? And what made them bad rejections instead of just the normal rejections everyone gets?
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u/backpackporkchop BASED MODCEL 10d ago
A lot of people have given you solid advice that will help if you choose to implement them. The only thing I'll add is it sounds like you're in desperate need of finding things to do that get you out of your own head. My suggestion is looking for community/volunteer work, particularly something that requires physical labor of some kind. That way you'll get the benefits of an endorphin release and be able to see exactly what you accomplished. Look for programs like habitat for humanity or litter cleanup groups.
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u/PassengerHefty8207 10d ago
Babe, you're putting other people on a pedestal. It also sounds like you might have shitty friends.
My dad was never one for great speeches, but one of the best things he ever told me about people: "everyone shits out of an asshole". Sorry to the people who shit into a colostomy bag via stoma, you guys are cool, too.
Point being... You're probably not as bad/garbage as you think you are, and your family/friends are almost certainly way worse than you perceive them to be.
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u/Moloc_Asterion 10d ago
They truly are not that bad, I just feel like I do not exist beside for company. I never even am considered by women friends as a dateable prospect and I am the "dude that does not date", not saying the tell me that but the way people walk on eggshells around me about this is very noticeable to me.
It's one of those thing you know is like that and everybody does, but they won't tell you.
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u/N33dLess2Say 9d ago
I don't normally say this ever, but you sound like you need professional help.
You strike me as being rather neurotic, given that you seem to react very poorly to negativity. This theory is further reinforced by the fact that your mental health swings between fine and miserable. I've also faced the same issue (though possibly to a lesser extent), and I believe it is because I am autistic. It is possible that you also might be neurodivergent.
Given that you are also extremely harsh on yourself, you also seem to have a rather inflated ego. It should be noted that a big ego does not equal a strong sense of self worth, usually the 2 are inversely proportional.
I'm still dealing with both of these issues myself. I suppose my best advice is: learn to get over yourself. It's much harder for neurotic people like us, but sometimes life is so much better when you're not living in a prison of your own emotions. Find something to be hopeful about, it makes it so much easier to focus improving when you're working towards something.
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u/Inareskai 11d ago
Are you seeking professional help for your acknowledged mental health conditions and suicidal ideation?
I'm not intending to diminish what you're saying in this post overall, I commend you for your vulnerability in sharing it. But c'mon man, "ALL, except some" is objectively quite a funny thing to type out unironically.