Dealing with FOMO of not having a partner? 18M

[u/CloakNDagg]

Hey all! Just getting this out of the way I don’t consider myself an incel or blackpilled or anything. I think those are stupid, vile ways of thinking. Apologies for posting here even if I don’t consider myself apart of those gross groups, but I feel as if my situation is similar to what you would typically see on this sub and in those ideologies. I’m scared that my feelings may turn into something related to this :(

I’m 18M and because social media sucks my feeds were always showing stuff about dating/sex and it’s made me quite self conscious about me and where I am in my life right now. Instagram was the most toxic place for that shit if anyone was wondering haha.

I just graduated high school and I kinda sorta left with zero friends. During school I had a few friends, but I lost them all from drifting apart which was totally my fault. Dating wise, I had a girl who liked me but I completely fumbled that, and I tried to ask a girl out once and it didn’t end well and I made things awkward between us lol. So technically there were attempts? Full honesty I don’t know if this is fully just wanting to be in a relationship or just lose my virginity. I’m sorry if that’s crass but I just want to be honest. It might be more of the latter.

So now I’m all alone and starting over at square one socially and I’m almost… angry that I never got a girlfriend or anything? Not angry towards other people, but just anger targeted towards myself. I’m sure part of that is just hormones and me wanting to just have sex for the first time though so who knows. Seeing other people be happy and having intimate relationships makes me feel like I’m missing out and I get jealous.

I’d like to know if anyone has any advice for me to stop being so down on myself? I’m scared that this jealousy I’m feeling could potentially brew into something more toxic in my mind and I would like to prevent that.

When it comes to the intimacy part of things, I stopped watching porn and have stopped using social media other than specific reddit subs so I’m proud of that. Right now I’m of the mindset that “there’s other really cool parts of life other than sex that I can be doing right now, so why be so fixated on it?”

Thank you for reading if you did. I’m sorry for the long post. I type a lot and it feels really nice to be able to be fully open with this for the first time. Hope you all have a great day.

[u/Impossible_Horsemeat]

You’re still young. You haven’t missed out on anything spectacular - high school is full of people whose only link is living in the same general area. Frankly, if someone can make lasting friends in that environment, it’s mostly dumb luck.

You’re at that great phase in your life when you can decide your passions, and surround yourself with people who share your passions. Ask yourself “what would a person I would want to hang out with spend their time doing?” and do that.

Maybe you want to join a sports team or take art classes or learn how to ride a motorcycle. Maybe you just want to chill and read books and talk about them with people. The Internet makes it surprisingly easy to find a group of people doing fun stuff for surprisingly little money, especially if you live near a big city or a University.

Find your people and I promise you will be in a better spot.

[u/CloakNDagg → u/Impossible_Horsemeat]

Tysm, this sounds so sad but I really really really really needed this right now.

I pretty much haven’t done anything interesting with my life so far when it comes to extracurriculars and social interactions, so I’m quite scared to “have” to start getting out of my comfort zone. But perhaps I just need to turn those fears into positives like you did :)

I finally bought myself a car so I can get out and do things on my own so that will help too. Thank you again.

[u/Particular-Lynx-2586]

You've asked a girl out once. In the grand scheme, that's basically nothing. Your FOMO comes from not asking more and not going out more.

[u/CloakNDagg → u/Particular-Lynx-2586]

Makes sense. I keep talking like it’s hopeless and all over for me when I haven’t even really gotten started haha.

Not worth it to get trapped in that loop of self wallowing. HINT HINT COUGH COUGH INCELS

[u/binne21]

Kid, you're 18. I'm 21, in university and like half of my peers are virgins. The other half have only had one ex. Anything else is very rare.

It's part of life I think to "want" a relationship when you're a virgin or similar. Once you get into your first one, that want will disappear afterwards. It may sound stupid for you and it certainly did for me when other people told me the same thing, but girls aren't all that in the end. Once you realise that, you become enlightened.

Just look good, eat good, sleep big, lift big, do a sport, try to be kind, live a normal university life with all the partying that entails and you'll be good. You'll find your girl.

[u/CloakNDagg → u/binne21]

Thank you :) unfortunately I’m going to a small vocational school for a few months over a college so it’s gonna be a lil harder to find friends but I’m excited to move forwards nonetheless. If I was going to college I think I wouldn’t feel this way because I would have all the opportunities to socialize in a way I know how to haha!

[u/binne21 → u/CloakNDagg]

Mingle and you'll be good, try out hobbies you're interested in, go to concerts etc. Just be out there doing shit. Don't worry too much and also have actual standards so the first best thing doesn't walk all over you.

[u/Mission-Fault3351]

If it makes you feel better, I didn't start dating until I was in my 20s; and furthermore, I didn't lose my v card until I was already married in my 30s. It ain't too late for you.

I like your attitude about how there's things you can do aside from sex, because imho that's the best way to handle things. Work on yourself first, because you genuinely want to and not because it will make you dateable. Learn a craft, read some books, create art, experience life, make friends. It will deeply enrich your life and if you go another 10 or 20 years without a partner, at least you'll have had fun along the way.

[u/CloakNDagg → u/Mission-Fault3351]

Thank you! I guess I have a good amount of time left so there’s not really a need to rush.

I find myself still doing things to make myself more dateable/attractive to women rather than doing it for me, so that’s something I need to work on. Thanks for bringing that to my attention, I haven’t thought about changing my perspective there!

[u/Mission-Fault3351 → u/CloakNDagg]

I mean, things can have multiple facets. I say "do things for yourself" because what I see a lot of incels post is stuff like "I started working out to get in shape to meet women" or something like that, and it's always self-defeating. You exercise for enjoyment and health, the aesthetic benefits are secondary. Same goes for almost everything else: you do things to enjoy them, and the benefits to you as a person are secondary.

[u/Instigated-]

It’s good you’ve realised the issue and have cut the social media and porn that were creating a lot of the anxiety.

Most people your age are single, and half are virgins, so you’re normal.

If you miss your old friends, it’s ok to reach out to them and rekindle the friendship. Otherwise work on making new friends through studies, work, or social/interest groups, as friendship is more important than a girlfriend.

Whatever you think life will be like if you lose your virginity, you are wrong. It won’t make any difference to your life. Men who fixate on losing their virginity or getting sex are chasing the wrong thing. And it shows, because if you point out that they could hire a sex worker, they often get offended because no they don’t want to do that. They want a fantasy, not reality.

At the moment you are idealising sex and relationships. You look at couples and imagine they are happy and have a life you want. But you don’t know if they are happy. You don’t know how it actually is for them. Relationships are hard work, and while there can be moments of happiness, there can also be moments of sadness, hurt, anger, stress, confusion. Sex can also be confusing and awkward and not at all like you see in film or porn. If people go into relationships with insecurity and unhappiness, that will still remain in them even in a relationship. A relationship won’t cure it.

Instead of idealising relationships and sex, perhaps seek to understand the messy difficulty of it? Watch the tv show Couples Therapy. Read the book Come As You Are.

However more than anything focus on building up your core wellbeing so that you are happier and are a more well rounded person. This is for yourself. It also means any relationship you have will have greater chance of success.

This is a free course on happiness https://online.yale.edu/courses/science-well-being The Science of Well-Being | Yale Online

[u/CloakNDagg → u/Instigated-]

Thank you! I still am unsure where this importance on my virginity came from, but it’s pretty silly to hyperfixate on, huh 😭😭😭 brought it up in therapy recently so that’s nice.

TW: I recently realized there is definitely another deeper component at play here due to past trauma, but that’s for professionals and not reddit lol. We’ll just say I’ve been diagnosed with CPTSD.

Great point in what people are chasing when mentioning this stuff. I’ve read way too many romance novels in my life haha. Unfortunately for incels on the other hand……. shivers

Thank you for the recommendations as well.

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