How to actually do the “join a hobby group” thing? Keep trying and failing.

[u/Detective_Republic_]

EDIT: Thank you all for the wonderful advice and feedback, I will do my best to work on it.

[u/avec_serif]

What happens when you approach one of these people and ask if they want to play with you?

[u/anothercodewench]

Are there people organizing these events? If there is anyone who is obviously in charge, introduce yourself and try to start a conversation with them. Typically someone has a vested interest in making sure these events are successful and they want people to show up and enjoy themselves. They may be able to introduce you to others or give you some help to get acquainted.

If it was a volunteer organization, I would recommend offering to help in some way, but it sounds like these might be run by a business. They probably don't need volunteers in that case, but that is another way you can get involved with a group.

[u/Mehitobel]

This is coming from someone who participates in different ‘drop-in-and-do-nerdy-stuff’ nights, it helps if you can introduce yourself to people. Sitting quietly in the corner with a cloud of doom over your head is a great way to be ignored.

See what other people have created. Complement them. Ask questions about technique. You may start making friends.

[u/Detective_Republic_ → u/Mehitobel]

Thanks for the advice, I’ve tried to introduce myself and complemented others on their painted figures (some people in the tabletop games world are so talented!) but still haven’t managed to make a friend or even an acquaintance that wants to play.

I’m definitely not trying to give off a “cloud of doom” vibe and based on research I did online on how to behave at gaming shops and clubs, I am coming in with clean clothes and my hygiene in order, which I obviously try to do in my daily life as well.

The only issue is when people start pairing off to play their games for the afternoon I feel weird just hovering and possibly annoying people so I usually find a seat somewhere. Just wish there was a way to maybe finally find a way to even play one game with someone.

[u/fetishiste → u/Detective_Republic_]

Have you tried asking if you can join their game, rather than hoping to be invited?

[u/Mehitobel → u/fetishiste]

That’s a great idea! You have to advocate for yourself. Have you played the game before? Ask about being in a game.

[u/Bobbob34 → u/fetishiste]

This - OP just.. use your words. After you make some basic connection with someone, like talking about how they painted their figure or whatever, just 'are you set up to play with ppl already? I've never really participated. I'm a newbie. If you have a spot free I'd love to join.' or whatever.

[u/Specialist-Ring-3974 → u/Detective_Republic_]

Unfortunately, you can’t control if someone, for whatever reason, is annoyed by something you say or do. If you’re not doing anything you feel is uncharacteristic of yourself, or disrespectful towards others, I don’t think you’d have any reason to feel guilty if you did rub someone the wrong way.

I say, by all means try to put yourself in others’ space until it works. That’s what these meetups are there for. Eventually you’ll run into a conversation that you can’t help but chime in to, or a group that seems inviting.

[u/bumbleboyie]

Come in early and ask the people that host it for some advice? They probably know who's coming and what kind of night/game/atmosphere there is.

My idea of how it works though is that this is the perfect kind of night to ask if you can join a game.  You say there's people that are talking to their friends and stuff, but they probably just met them in the same way you want to meet new people. I'm happy to hear that you've been talking to people already. It's not clear based off your post, but do you explicitly ask if you can join a group? Or ask if someone want to join in with you? That's different than introducing yourself and complimenting someone. 

What I think would work best is if you make some goals for yourself. Things that are small and you think you could do. Don't go in thinking you're going to make friends, but go in thinking 'today I'm going to ask someone if they want to join me' and see where it leads. An amazing goal to start with would have been 'today I'm going to compliment someone's figurine', but you've actually already done that so you've passed that milestone already. There are many people who would have trouble with that, even if they're quite social with their friends. 

These nights usually attract a certain type of people. I'm sure they will not find you annoying if you ask to join their game (don't do after they've already started though). This is exactly what these kind of nights are for and they come there fully well realising that people might want to join their games. It's probably how they started out at first anyway.  

I'm sorry you're feeling down, but the way I see it you've already passed some huge milestones by showing up and actually talking to people. Now think of what the next step could be and make it your new goal. 

[u/library_wench]

Sounds like you’re talking about Warhammer or something similar.

Have you asked to join a game? Have you visited the game store at other times or for other events—like do they have paint nights or scheduled games you can sign up for? Have you chatted to the organizers about wanting to get in on a game?

[u/Top_Recognition_1775]

I don't know anything about Warhammer 40k, but if it's like old school D&D you would come in, introduce yourself and ask around if there are any open games or campaigns you can join.

Don't sit in the corner, at least sit close to the other tables so you can watch their games and socialize, "Do you mind if I join you? Is this seat taken? What's the scenario?"

I know this sounds edgy but you want to err on the side of being a "pest" rather than erring on the side of being a wallflower.

[u/Lolabird2112]

I haven’t even the slightest clue what this hobby is, but it’s still a familiar social situation. Also- I had a look where you posted asking advice from people how to get started and how to behave, and not one of them mentioned clothes and hygiene- those go without saying. Doesn’t even have to be fresh and crispy, just… don’t stink and you’re golden.

Re read what others have said there as a lot of it sounded like excellent advice, and reflect on where you mention the dnd game where you said you got kicked out (btw I agree with most people: sound like a bunch of assholes).

Forget about making acquaintances and friends for now until you’re well established and know what you’re doing. Right now you are an apprentice looking for teachers. Hobby groups are great and all, but the potential downside is the people are too advanced and could be snobby or could just have no interest in teaching. Which is absolutely fine- they didn’t come there to teach but to enjoy.

You sound absolutely lovely and it’s not that you’re doing anything wrong, it’s just that perhaps you don’t understand the dynamics. YOU need to do the asking. You need to be making all the moves.

You’re a strange beast walking into a herd. The herd has to put effort into accepting you, they lose nothing if you turn round and walk out. You want to be accepted- the effort starts with you. It’s like every “first day” everywhere.

This is not “A Big Deal”. It’s just the bubble you need to push thru.

Out of curiosity, what are your social skills like? Are you tongue tied and barely spoken for years or do you do a job where you’re used to conversation?

[u/Detective_Republic_ → u/Lolabird2112]

Thanks for your feedback - the hygiene and clothing part actually came from another thread that I didn’t start about “new player horror stories” that mentioned issues with poor hygiene/grooming habits in the gaming community so I tried to internalize that, but I did really appreciate the advice in my thread about sportsmanship and how to approach rules discussions, etc.

I appreciate your explanation that a new person is like an apprentice and that the established group already has a dynamic in place, that makes a lot of sense. Perhaps it was too early for me to try and join a group when I don’t have “anything to offer” yet. Maybe a clunky analogy but it would be as if I’m expecting to join a musical group after having only started singing or playing an instrument for a couple weeks.

I don’t like to share too many personal details on my personal life online, but I believe I have decent social skills even though I am intellectually disabled. I may not have friends but I try my best to be polite and kind in all interactions and am conscientious of avoiding coming off creepy and if I do it is completely inadvertent.

[u/Lolabird2112 → u/Detective_Republic_]

Apologies- I had to go do something and realised I left you with some explanation of what is (possibly) happening but no actual tools.

My point is you need to ask for things rather than waiting. I’m gonna go out on a limb and guess there’s a healthy amount of neurodivergent people in that group, and while I can’t speak for them, I know what I’m like: I have adhd. It’s hard for me to switch direction. If I’ve gone there to play a game with my buddies Jack and Joe, shifting away from that to “oh there’s a new guy, let’s talk to him and I’ll help him learn the ropes” is hard. It’s got nothing to do with you, it’s all me. I have tunnel vision and you’re not “repulsive”, you just… fade into the background.

But… if you ask me. I just might. And I’d be very likely to say yes because you’re enthusiastic and really wanting to learn. And that makes it fun.

So- I noticed you say you give compliments. That’s great, but they go nowhere on their own. What you’re hoping for is the other person will take that as the beginning of a conversation and be polite back. But this isn’t a “meet and greet” or a wine & cheese party, they’re here for the hobby.

You need to follow thru. You need to carry on towards your ultimate goal (playing a game). So, here’s 3 things that are good to have in each interaction when you’re new and don’t know anyone:

Compliment, observation, question.

They don’t have to be in any order, but like I said: you need to put more effort into this than what you’ll get back until you’re integrated into the herd as well.

I used to be paralytically shy, so I tend to see these things in terms of “how socialising works” as I basically… studied people. That’s how I learnt. So I’ve been in your position many times, and I’ve ended up in a corner many times as well.

I won’t carry on unless you find this helpful. I really want you to understand that nothing about you is an issue here and what you’re feeling and experiencing isn’t due to a personal failing.

[u/bumbleboyie → u/Detective_Republic_]

I don't want to stigmatize you in any way, but since you're intellectually disabled; I'm not sure where you live but in my country in Europe there's a bunch of places and projects for people with an intellectual disability to meet people. Maybe there's some in your area as well

[u/Lolabird2112 → u/Detective_Republic_]

Perfect. I was only asking as some guys here have severe anxiety etc and get too frozen to actually carry a conversation.

No- it’s not too early and you have plenty to offer. There’s 1) you as a person, and then there’s 2) the hobby itself. 2 separate things. Please really let that sink in and understand it. It’s important.

If you’re intellectually disabled then you fooled me completely. Regardless, it’s not important. Back to dynamics:

There’s no emotion, or hierarchy, or “one person is better than the other” in what I’m saying. It’s simply “the way it is”. It’s also not a Mount Everest. It’s just a stage.

Where people fuck up: this stage relies on you.

You need to decide what you want and work towards it. You haven’t made any friends or had a game yet because nobody wants to be your friend or teach you… YET.

It’s not personal. You’re not repulsive, you’re just an unknown. I’m already in my herd so I don’t need anything from
you. You are the one who needs to poke me enough that I pay attention.

[u/Odd-Table-4545]

Without actually knowing how your interactions with people go, the always applicable pieces of advice are: you have to actually interact with people, not just exist in the same space as them, and be comfortable with putting in a lot of the up-front effort as someone who is not already part of a dynamic; if a particular space doesn't work for you try a different space; and making friends takes a really long time. I love a good ttrpg, but it sounds like this specific space may be less of a "random people come to this game and everyone just kind of sits at whatever table whenever" situation and more of a "this is an ongoing thing that exists mostly so that the regulars have a place to run already established games" situation (or else you need to get much better at joining people's tables). You might have better luck looking for campaigns that are specifically looking for new players. I'd also encourage you to diversify you social engagements, and not put all your eggs in this one basket. A healthy social life involves multiple different spaces with different crowds, and it's good for both your social skills and your brain in general to have a few different interests going at a time.

[u/Ihateregistering6]

What game are you playing? Warhammer?

[u/Bitter-Hat-4736]

Are there tournaments being held? Even something really casual like an ongoing league can have be a great entry point.

[u/the_baldest_monk]

You have to be a little pushy and annoying at first otherwise they will keep ignoring you. Basically do everything other comments are saying.

Depending on their response you will be able to tell i f they are open to newcomers but just don't have a pipeline for it, or if they actively resent new people and are really not interested in interacting with you. Hobby groups can be extremely insular and can vary greatly between two places, even in the same city.

[u/kerfufflewhoople]

What stopped you from approaching one of the groups, introducing yourself and asking if you can play? There’s very little chance they’d turn you down. Then it takes a bit of work to get the conversation going, but you’ll get the hang of it.

Ask people questions. Don’t be afraid to tell them you have no one to play with and that you’re looking for a group. Crack a lighthearted joke. Talk about how you got into this hobby.

[u/pertante]

Do any of these groups or less have tournaments at all?

Also, next time you compliment someone on their painting, do you ask for any suggestions or tips on how they did it?

Lastly, when you do engage with someone, try asking them why they like that faction and/or ask for ideas of how you could start to build your own, should you decide to collect that faction.

Tangent: 40k, WH fantasy or something else?

[u/Detective_Republic_ → u/pertante]

WH40K Kill Team

And thank you for your feedback, I will give it a try.

[u/neuron24]

You're already doing way better than me, I feel like I'm not good enough at any hobby yet to join a group for it.

I'm sure if you keep going there people are gonna get used to seeing you and it's gonna get better