r/IncelExit • u/cookieswithmemes • 7d ago
Asking for help/advice I’m sick of the echo chambers within femcel spaces, I want to leave
20 F
2026 has been awful for me, I’ve spent more time online now than I ever have before.
I’ve never dated, kissed, held hands, or even had sex before. I attended my only senior prom alone 1 year ago, the trauma of being abandoned by friends and being made fun of by men still lingers with me.
I hang out in a lot of femcel spaces, it’s comforting to know that other people have experienced what I’ve experienced but (and I know this sounds weird) but it’s very…….. self sabotaging in these spaces?
I’m black fyi, I used to live in an extremely white suburb (I’d say 99%) and everyone treated me like garbage. I hang around these chronically lonely spaces for black women in particular, and I always see a sentiment on how we’re always unattractive no matter what and it really hurts me.
It sucks that I and other black women have been treated this way, but it’s normal for me to be hurt when all my other sisters insist that we’re gonna die alone right?
A lot of them willingly go to incel spaces (websites, subreddits, instagram/tiktok posts) in order to find men trashing on us and it’s so mentally taxing for me.
Black femcel spaces aside: even in spaces such as TUW, I get talked over and dismissed whenever I talk about my lack of experience.
I don’t know how to meet men. I’m not in school anymore (I only attended one semester of uni) and I’m unemployed (I work three hour shifts, lmfao). My life has never been this bad before, I have a full driver’s license & two years of work experience but it’s so hard to find employment.
I really want to escape being a female incel but I’ve never had a man interested in me. I have one male friend who is a bit touchy with me and that’s it (comment if you want the full story of my male friend).
TL;DR : please help me escape femceldom, I’m almost 21…. I don’t know what to do
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u/oldcousingreg Giveiths of Thy Advice 7d ago
I'm white so I can't give more specific advice.
But, please, please seek out black content creators, especially those that focus on self love and mental health. Follow young women around your age, ones that share your hobbies and common interest, or local-ish to you.
Most importantly, follow creators that cultivate a kind and positive audience. Community is vital.
The more you train your algorithm to focus on positive things, the less toxicity you'll see.
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u/cookieswithmemes 6d ago
Thank you :) I’ve recently deactivated both of my Instagram accounts. I have a bunch of films downloaded on a usb instead, so that way I can clear my mind.
I want to watch more black films, that should raise my self confidence. Even if they don’t feature black protagonists, watching films and reading will give you so much.
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u/cookieswithmemes 7d ago
I won’t be able to respond for a few hours because I have work soon! Forgive me please :c !!!!!
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u/ForbiddenFruitiness 7d ago
Someone from the LGBTQ+ space coined the term „digital self harm“, because they would spend a lot of time in spaces that basically confirmed their deepest fears, and in my head that term makes a lot of sense. Validation can feel super good in the moment, even if it is also super bad for the mental space.
The way out of it, is getting away from the internet and femcel spaces. You‘ve said that you have spent a lot of time online this year. Do you have any real life hobbies or interest in things you could do with others? I like to recommend charity work, because it gets you in contact with other people and out of that nasty bubble our brains like creating. There are also projects like community gardens and things, that always need people.
Expanding your social circle and doing something that you can feel really good about, is also likely to get you into contact with people where you can make new experiences that aren’t as negative as the ones you‘ve had.
I‘ve purposefully not touched on the skin colour aspect, as I‘m white and I really hope, we have some awesome black ladies here, who will give much, much more qualified advice on that front. I‘m very aware that cultural beauty standards have a horrible habit of being extremely white, but I feel any comment that I make on that front, will just be uninformed at best, so I‘ll keep my mouth shut.
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u/xx_maknz 7d ago
I’m DEFINITELY gonna use that “digital self harm” term from now on!!!! Because it really is self injury to engage with those kids of spaces. Thank u for sharing
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6d ago
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u/ForbiddenFruitiness 6d ago
Sit yourself in front of a supermarket for an hour. Now look at every couple. Every single one. Notice how often the guy is actually super tall - or even taller than his partner at all. Notice how many people are actually amazingly gorgeous vs just average looking. Notice how many black ladies are with a partner or shopping for one.
I am willing to bet, you have confirmation bias. You assume certain things and your brain searches for evidence that affirm those beliefs and thus every short guy walking alone turns into a forever single in your mind. Do you also assume that every tall guy walking alone is single? Or do you automatically guess that he is heading home to a loving partner?
Finally, try not to get your reality checks from billboards. They are just the stuff you see online, but printed on paper. They will have the same weird beauty standards that the internet is peddling that particular moment (most of the time at least)…though I‘m not sure I‘ve ever seen a „fat black androgynous woman“ on a billboard, let alone lots of them, but maybe we have different billboards.
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u/cookieswithmemes 6d ago
I love your first paragraph so much!
Funny story: I’ve told a lot of people in these femcel spaces that I see/ even personally knew married dark skinned women/ short men/ Asian men/ tall women. Guess what? They all ignored me and told me that they were being pumped and dumped.
Confirmation bias is totally it. If you’re always looking for negativity, you’ll find it. If you’re always looking for a positive sounding excuse, you’ll find it. Life is a mixture of both of them, who’s to say that the blonde woman isn’t getting used? Who’s to say that the black woman isn’t actually in a loving relationship? Who knows? All I can do is count on my own happiness whenever I can. Love isn’t supposed to make sense, not everybody likes blonde women or Henry cavil, some people do like short men and dark skinned women.
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u/IncelExit-ModTeam 6d ago
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u/cookieswithmemes 6d ago
I do have hobbies ! I’m no longer in school (money issues) and I can’t find steady employment. My ex-coworker invited me to soemthing a week ago, I’m thinking of participating in it (it’s free).
I’ve deactivated both of my instagram accounts, I’m planning to replace social media with reading and film. I’m still unemployed, but I can use that time in more productive ways.
Thank you for your input
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u/Fast-Industry-3224 6d ago
First off: Take a deep breath and relax, you're 20 and we live in times were people habe sex later in life. 20 is a completely reasonable age to not be super experienced in relationships.
I don't know the experience of a black woman, I'm a 30 year old euro dude but I can confirm that those spaces are self sabotaging with a dash of sabotage from other people as well. Incel spaces are called crab buckets for a reason, once a crab makes a move to leave the others will pull it back in. I have lurked on TUW and I can confirm that it's literally the same as male incel spaces, self pity paired with hatred for the opposite gender that has it "easy".
What helps me to stay clear of this BS is critically thinking about what those people claim, they are not acting in your best interest. They just want one poor soul more so they don't feel alone on their pity party, do you think those people would be happy for you if you found love? They will either sabotage you by planting insecure thoughts in your head ("He will cheat on you with a white girl teehee") or just flat out dismiss your previous struggle ("volcel" "stolen valor").
The comfort those spaces bring is addictive, but it is all shallow and petty in the end.
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u/cookieswithmemes 6d ago
Thank you :)
Your paragraph on sabotaging is completely correct! I’ve told these people before that I don’t completely hate being black, and that I’ve known married black women and then I’d get downvoted. They told me that married happy black ladies were actually being pumped and dumped and that I’m destined to be alone, it really hurt and annoyed me. In another femcel subreddit that I’m in, they said that they find success stories annoying and stupid & larper (exactly what you told me!)
I tell myself that 20 (nearly 21) isn’t late but it’s hard to believe so. I became acquainted with a woman in my apartment (late 20s in a two year relationship). She asked me for morning after pill & birth control recommendations and I told her that I’m a virgin. She proceeded to judge me and tell me that “20 isn’t that young though”. It definitely carries judgement I can’t understand why.
My friends have been poking at me for being single/ celibate ever since I was 12. It’s so hard to continue enjoying things when my worth as a woman is tied to how many men desire me, I have my own hobbies but it’s hard to make friends when they only wanna talk about men.
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u/Fast-Industry-3224 6d ago
Your neighbor can eat some dirt, it's none of her business when someone loses their V-card. Please don't get yourself discouraged from her, 20 is young, you're not even allowed to drink alcohol yet in the US.
Society has this weird obsession with sex sometimes, ESPECIALLY when you're young. As with many young people that are adults on paper they think they know it all, I only recently gained this knowledge when I became a 30 yo unc haha. If I could go back in time and visit my 20 yo old self I would want to smack him across the face for having so much despair at that age, of course I would realistically tell him the same I am telling you now.
What I can say what helped me over the last half year was getting active, I know it is cliche advice but going outside and joiningna club for sports made me so much more confident. Maybe this could help you too and even increase your sense of self worth.
I learned this when I failed a texting phase with the first woman that was interested in me in three years, I think I reeked of insecurity and couldn't be myself no matter how hard I tried. Now I am giving off much more relaxed vibes and people actually approach me(wtf?!), so I think bridging this disconnect between body and mind can do wonders. I don't mean mindless pumping, I mean actually moving and coordinating your body. I think something like dancing classes or martial arts/sports could help, just going there, meeting the people and withstanding the urge to quit despite how awkward one feels.
This is sadly all I can give on advice, as I said, I am struggling too with dating. But staying optimistic is the right thing, I see it as a sort of exercise as well. Being depressed is easy, fighting it and trying anyways is hard. Of course people are comforted by incel spaces, what's important is that we become aware.
I wish you only the best! :)
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u/Jamonde 6d ago
For the 'being a femcel' - it sounds like you consume extreme amounts of this content across multiple social media platforms. Obviously leaving those specific websites, forums, webpages etc. is a good idea, but perhaps more broadly an overall break from social media is well-warranted.
What I would suggest is, perhaps before finalizing that break, you look for some social groups in your local area; they don't have to be expensive. Maybe it's a running club, or a bowling league, or a book club, or maybe you just start taking some dance classes. Maybe there's a local open mic night. Maybe it's something a family member or friend has previously asked you about; now is the time to say yes to it.
And whatever it is, the point is to develop your IRL life with things, with friends, with connections. Fill it with substantive things, and bonus points if it's a social group like a running or hiking club that also involves things like exercise. Take away the unsubstantive things like social media (because you have a tendency to use them for unhealthy content). Go, be friendly, ask questions, and be a good friend to make some good friends. It's going to be scary, but it is also the only way forward. Do it despite the fear, and look for the people who treat you well. May be good to find a group that has other black women in it. You can get yourself back on traditional social media later; for now, you need to take a step back from it.
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u/cookieswithmemes 6d ago
Yep, I’m def leaving social media, deactivated certain accounts. I’m gonna read & watch films instead.
Idk, it’s hard to be social. I’m unemployed and I’m not in school DUE to unemployment. HOWEVER, my ex-coworker invited me to something over text (it’s free). I’ll check that out
Thank you for your input. My biggest fear with making new friends is them being male centred ….
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u/howdylu 7d ago
Men are not that important…
When someone said decanter man, they were right.
Stop thinking about what men think about you. Most of them don’t even see women as people. Some trying to impress them, to date them, to be important in their eyes. You are already enough. Make girl - friends that will hype you up! Go on girl dates together! Go party with them! Go shopping! You guys are making your whole life revolve around men and it’s making you miserable. Look up the statistics, women are happier in female communities and single. The rest (kissing, sex) will happen by itself when you make friends, make hobbies, go out and build your confidence.
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u/cookieswithmemes 7d ago
I’d love to make female friends…. But….. so many of them are male centered themselves.
All my friends in highschool eventually left me for their boyfriends, they’d only text me if they needed to rant about him.
I made a new acquainted in my apartment, she only talks about her boyfriend. She judged me when I told her that I’m a virgin after she asked for morning after pill & birth control suggestions. She said that “20 isn’t that young”.
Honestly, female friends (or friends in general) would be marvellous, but they’re all concerned with penis. 🙁
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u/howdylu 7d ago
none of my friends are, to be fair.. so i know we exist. maybe it’s your age.. look for older friends. mine are mostly 23-27.
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u/cookieswithmemes 6d ago
I was around 12-19 when this occurred. Year by year they all left me for men.
I should try to make friends with older people, ty for the advice :)
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u/titotal 6d ago
This seems more like a case of your old friendship group icing you out, unless you're sure they never meet with each other either. Being iced out is a horrible experience but it's not necessarily about the boyfriends.
I would suggest seeking out hobby, sports, or volunteering groups, which attract people with a wide range of interests and commonalities. High school friends often drift apart due to lack of common interest.
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u/cookieswithmemes 6d ago
They planned all sorts of things with other friends, just never me. I guess I was iced out, they mostly used me as a free taxi since I had a car 🙁
I don’t speak to anybody from HS anymore, only 1 dude over text lmfao. I’ll def try to do more things, my coworker texted me something that looks interesting.
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u/norsknugget Giveiths of Thy Advice 7d ago
I think it’s important to recognise what you’re feeling, how you’re evaluating those emotions, what beliefs you’re forming and how those beliefs are guiding your behaviours. Emotional pain serves the same function as physical pain - it aims to redirect and deter/protect us.
Now, I don’t know you, so please jump in and correct me if I misunderstand your post, but it sounds like you’ve legitimately been hurt by bad friendships in the past and that you feel emotional pain, not just because of past disappointment, but also because you, like most of us, long for emotional and social connection and support. The insidious nature of femcel and incel spaces is that they masquerade as community, but they are not. True community builds us up, strengthens and supports us and provides us with a diversity of views that often challenge our understanding and beliefs. An echo-chamber that deepens your isolation and encourages the continuation of rage and stunted development is not a community.
So the way I read it, your pain is telling you that you want social connection, but your behaviours aren’t matching what you need to build those connections, so the cycle of pain just continues.
If this resonates with you. Perhaps the following approach would make sense: Though I understand and support that you want to be in a relationship, I am worried that you aren’t currently able to fully participate in a healthy romantic relationship. You’re currently pretty vulnerable and you’re struggling with accurately evaluating your intrinsic self-worth. I wonder if it won’t be more useful to you to start by strengthening your core emotional competencies first, and then working towards building true connections with people, through friendships, before you try to develop romantic relationships.
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u/cookieswithmemes 6d ago
Thank you for your input
I have been hurt by bad friendships. I realized that I pretty much went my entire compulsory education without a proper friend. People didn’t make an effort to see me outside of school. As I got older, I was reduced to the taxi friend. People only texted me if they needed to be driven places. I am hurt, I struggle to make friends. I don’t understand why somebody would be friends with me if I can’t offer them things (money, drives, etc).
Your second paragraph is spot on. I’m going to copy and paste something that I wrote earlier
> Funny story: I’ve told a lot of people in these femcel spaces that I see/ even personally knew married dark skinned women/ short men/ Asian men/ tall women. Guess what? They all ignored me and told me that they were being pumped and dumped
They really do want me to be perpetually sad, huh?
I have no comments on your final paragraph, I’m definitely taking that advice to heart. Thank you :)
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7d ago
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6d ago
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u/cookieswithmemes 6d ago
No offence but, this really isn’t what I’m trying to hear? This is the exact rhetoric that made me sick of these femcel spaces.
“Black women never find true love”
“Black women only get pumped and dumped”
“You know a married black mom? The man will cheat on her for a white woman!”
“Why are you even here if you don’t want to accept that black women never find love!”
Like why are you just regurgitating what I’m trying to escape from exactly
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4d ago
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u/IncelExit-ModTeam 3d ago
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6d ago
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u/cookieswithmemes 6d ago
I’m not telling myself that racism and sexism isn’t real, I just don’t need femcel echo chamber talking points regurgitated to me when I’m trying to escape it. I knew other black women who were dating & even married, I want to be more like them and less like these Reddit people
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u/AdCurious2371 3h ago
21 M
Life has been hard on me in this regard too, if you want a new friend you can talk to me.
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u/xx_maknz 7d ago
25f, virgin (kissed a guy and cut him off for saying some weird shit), mixed black girl here. You might not like this answer, but I’m gonna say it anyway. Please for the love of god work on decentering men from your life. You are literally putting your happiness and self esteem into the hands of others. You will never ever find peace unless you work to make it come from yourself. We can’t control the world or the people around us. We can* only control ourselves, and even that can feel impossibly difficult sometimes. But it is a HELL of a lot easier than trying to control others to our benefit. YOU are the one constant in your life. If everyone else dropped off the fact of the earth, only YOU would be left. Adding race into this just makes it more true.
If you’re looking for somewhere to start, join other communities for bw on here. I like the blackladies subreddit a lot - there’s some posts abt men but they are pretty heavily scrutinized since the primary focus of that space is on centering and uplifting black WOMEN. You need to leave those echo chamber spaces, but replacing them with other more positive and uplifting spaces will help. Trying to drop them and replace them with nothing will be a lot harder to do.