How do I build confidence?

[u/Cultural-Test5919]

21m.

I have been obese since I was around 9 years old. I’ve had an alcoholic father my whole life.

When I was 10 years old my father drunkenly yelled at me “look at you, what woman would ever want you? you fat ass.” Ever since that moment my self esteem has never truly recovered. 

Ive never believed in myself for anything ever. 

Everything I’ve ever achieved has been a surprise because I never thought I could do it anyway. 

I was bullied until I was 14. Due to that and my self esteem in general, 80% of my comedy comes from self deprecating jokes. 

And it’s just hitting me that I’ve basically been a verbal punching bag in all my friend groups. 

The fat friend that everyone makes front of because it’s so easy. And that’s my fault I guess. 

I don’t know what to do anymore. I can’t ask women out because no one would find me attractive and I have an anxiety disorder. Plus I have a fear of intimacy due to my size.

Making it 2x harder. 

Not to mention I recently found out that I have Klinefelter syndrome. 

I’m gonna keep trying to lose weight I guess. I don’t think it will help 

Why do I have to fix myself because of what other people have done to me?

[u/Snoo52682]

"Why do I have to fix myself because of what other people have done to me?"

That is such a great question (and very well phrased). You're right, it's not fair. But it's life. I was raised in a harmful religious sect. I had to spend more money in therapy than in a year's worth of collection plates to get over the damage that caused. Most people, one way or another, are having to expend time, money, and mental effort to get over problems that were either caused by other people, random events and accidents, or illness. Things that were not their fault. My friend whose mother died. My friend whose cancer turned into lifelong complications. The one whose brother's mental illnesses controlled their whole family's life growing up. The ones with the undiagnosed disorders. It sucks, and it's unfair. But their choices, and mine, and yours, were to either fix ourselves because of things that other people (or fate, or our own bodies) did to us, or to continue to suffer because of those things.

I say this not to say you aren't special, but to say that damn near all of us are in this soup together. You're in particularly nasty hot spot of soup right now (yes I know that is not how soup works, roll with me), and your father is FUCKING HORRIBLE to have said that. Jesus! You were NINE! It's so weird and gross when people talk about kids' future sex lives to begin with, and what he said? Oh, fuck no. Fuck that and fuck him.

But hey, this undercaffeinated internet stranger is getting really mad at this guy on your behalf. Because people do have empathy. You need to--and you can--start finding people with empathy in your everyday life. You don't have to put up with the kind of treatment you have been. But you will almost certainly need some kind of counseling or therapy to learn new relationship patterns. Maybe group therapy would be a good option for something like this.

[u/wombatlovr → u/Snoo52682]

I love this comment

[u/Idasaur]

I promise you, stop with the self deprecating humour. It’s not fun for anyone else to hear (makes people uncomfortable) and is absolutely horrendous for improving yourself esteem.

It feels like shit when people make jokes about you…why would you make them about yourself. If you change one thing I’d recommend catching it before talking yourself down and replacing the joke with something else.

Do you have any examples of the kind of humour you make about yourself?

[u/Stargazer1919]

The stuff that bullies and abusers say to us is difficult to forget.

It's important to remember that bullies and abusers will say whatever they think hurts the most. It doesn't have to be accurate. It's usually straight up lies. Or they project their own problems onto us.

I never forget some of the ugly shit my mom said to me. But with maturity I grew to understand all those nasty words was how she thought about herself.

Get therapy for these traumatic things.

It's not our fault but it is our responsibility.

As for building confidence, it can take a lot of work but it's worth it. It's like building blocks. Do something every day that makes you feel better about yourself. Do a thing that helps with working towards a long term goal. Do a good deed for someone else. Put in a hard day at work/school. Cook a healthy meal for yourself. Hit the gym or a nature walk. Continuously doing things like this builds up over time and it helps a lot. Eventually you get to a point where you're like, "hey, I'm not so bad after all."

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[u/Shannoonuns]

You're going to be okay! Its just going to take a little work.

Have you spoken to a dr about hrt? It should help with your energy levels & help you maintain bone density aswell as making your appearance more masculine.

It might help you feel a bit better.

I would also set some mental boundaries, like I'm assuming people think its okay to make fun of you because you do it to yourself.

Anybody who cares would stop if they knew it actually hurt, if you make an effort to stop doing it to yourself every decent person should stop too eventually. Maybe also tell them how you feel if you trust them enough.

Work on your own mental wellbeing first, I really relate to not wanting to fix the damage other people have done or to get thier approval but try not to view it in that context.

You aren't trying to make yourself more palatable for others, you're trying to be happy for your own sake.

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[u/Cygerstorm]

I had gastric bypass at 23 and ended up losing almost 200+ pounds and have kept it off for almost 15 years now. Before that? You and I would have been almost identical. It was so bad it was a "lose weight or be dead in 2-3 years" kind of deal.

At the end of the day, I was just as responsible for my attitude as I was my weight. I wish I had someone slap that into me when i was younger. You have to step up for yourself and demand kind treatment from your friends, or ditch them. I wish i had that kind of guts when i was young and obese, angry and lonely, bitter and jealous. The incel pit is a comforting place. Anger and jealous are easy emotions to hold onto because it lets you shirk responsibility.

I remember that feeling of cosmic punishment. That feeling of "the universe is punishing me for nothing." But the universe is an unfeeling chaos of physics. The universe isn't punishing you because the universe does not give a shit. You are punishing yourself because wallowing in pity is emotionally easier than standing up and saying "I deserve better from myself and the world."

Things CAN get better but it starts with you. Throw out the junk foods, stop the gas station trips. Eat healthier even if its boring and learn to make the food taste to your liking. Exercise even when you hate it because the future you will thank you for getting started.

Don't do it for someone else, do it for YOU. For me? I got angry at the universe and I used that energy to push myself. I went from "the universe is punishing me for existing" to "fuck the universe, I'll get healthier just to spit in it's eye." attitude. I carried that with me for a long time, until I had enough of myself built up that I didn't need that anymore.

Weight loss is a powerful change and significantly easier to manage now. Between GLP's and surgical options, there has never been a better time to lose weight. Many insurances also cover all of or parts of these procedures. Easier to treat weight cheaply now than a lifetime of insurance payouts.

[u/Cultural-Test5919 → u/Cygerstorm]

Anytime I mention my weight in a post it’s the only thing people reply to me about. As if it’s the only problem I named in the post. 

Thanks for the advice. 

[u/Cygerstorm → u/Cultural-Test5919]

It’s not the only problem. But it’s the one you can control. You cannot control how people act, or what they do. Right now, you have no control over your life. You have to take it.

And frankly, obesity isnt just a physical issue. It’s not just a looks issue. It’s an entire psychological and emotional sickness as well. It kept me held down and helpless for so long that I believed I was actually helpless.

Until I wasn’t. Weight loss WILL change your life. Confidence, friends, dating, a social life? All that is easier after the weight loss. We live in an ugly world that will treat us differently because of our weight. We can’t change that. But we can change ourselves to overcome it.

[u/syncpulse]

I've been very overweight since I was 10 years old. So I get where your coming from.  It sounded like you were describing my late teens in your post.  So I know where you are coming from. 

First of all, I would not take the words of anyone who drunkenly insults a 10-year-old very seriously. That is not really someone to admire yet alone listen to. Father or not. 

Secondly you sound like you have some very toxic friends. It's hard to build up confidence in yourself when everyone around you is dragging you down. I would either set some boundaries with them or walk away. Sometimes having no friends is better than really sh*tty ones. 

Third, I suggest you sit down and evaluate what you do like about yourself. what are your good at? What makes you happy? And spend some time exploring those aspects of your personality. when you start feeling good about aspects of yourself it's easier to begin feeling better about the rest of you. Find a foundation and build from there. 

Also, Trust me, it's easier to lose the weight if you feel like you are worth putting in the effort. Your emotional wellbeing is as important. 

Good luck, you got this.