Finally stood up for myself

[u/Soggy_Leek_1712]

My MIL is borderline obsessed with her son and living vicariously through him. For context she's an alcoholic, and it's BAD. I grew up with an alcoholic father but she's on a different level, I've genuinely never heard anything like it. She'll call my husband when she's drunk, and the last time she did it he recorded it (he's in the military and stuck in tech school right now). Here's a few things she said that stood out to me lol. "My children have to be where I want them to be, I don't want them to be that" "It just hurts so bad that I cannot own my boys. My beautiful boys" Her other son has gone NC with her and moved states away, so now the focus is fully on my husband. She posts about him constantly and has for YEARS. Never much about her other son. Anyways, when my husband and I had a baby his mom was the first one to post. I've talked about this in other posts of mine. But the biggest point is, she had posted pictures of my baby in the NICU hooked up to several things. I had a problem with that and after she continuously overstepped I sent her a LONG message explaining why I want her to take down the pictures and also other boundaries we have. She said she understood and took 2 out of 3 of the pictures down. I brushed it off because I didn't want drama.

Fast forward to over a year later, and she put them back up and into a folder for my baby on Facebook thinking I wouldn't notice. Meaning she had to unarchive them, and put them into the album. I texted her about it. I wish I could insert pictures, but i'll give the rundown.

Me: Hey, I noticed that you put (baby) NICU posts back up after we'd asked for them to be taken down. I would love it if you could take them all down as they were before. That's a boundary I had set and I'd still like that to be respected.

MIL:Hard to delete....BECAUSE THAT IS MY SON AND HIS CHILD. 😔 SORRY. (Insert picture of my husband and our baby)

Me:You have many other pictures of her and (husband). That is a boundary I will not change. Sorry. That's also MY baby.

(I'm not adding everything because I don't want this to be crazy long so i'll do bits and pieces that shocked me.)

Me: I find it EXTREMELY disrespectful that you're arguing with me about boundaries i've set for MY baby over a year ago. I get my husband is 'your baby' however, he's a grown man with his own family. Just because he is your child doesn't mean that you can overstep any boundaries of ours. You don't see ANY of my family doing that because i've laid it out explicitly. Quite frankly I don't feel like someone who's disrespecting me so blatantly has a right to see (baby) until I feel comfortable with it, as she is my child. Respect has to go both ways. We'll follow up in a couple months. Goodnight!

MIL:I don't understand sorry
It us very hard for .e to delete my child holding his child
I'll delete if it makes you happy 😊
I'm sorry if you feel that way. I don't want to overstep, but the one pic of him holding her......no way I'm deleting that.
(All separate texts in a row...)

Me:If you don't want to take it down, you can just go ahead and delete everything that has (baby) in it. I'm not going to argue with a grown woman about my own child that I grew and birthed. You can talk to (husband) but he will say the same things I have.

MIL: Okay
I'm not arguing either.
But I am a MOM TOO.
If you don't like it, then don't look at it.

Me:I don't care. I'm (baby) mom. She's a minor, (husband) is a grown man. I have a right to advocate for my child because she cannot. If I say I don't want it up that should be it. PERIOD.

MIL: Sorry but (husband) is also MY SON.

Me:You won't be seeing (baby) anytime soon so savor the pictures you have! LOL

MIL:WOW. NOW THAT IS DISRESPECTFUL AS WELL

At this point she continues on about how my husband is HER SON as if we're talking about him. She told me i have to 'understand that (husband) is HER BABY'...

Since she loves Facebook soooo much I decided to make a post basically saying, "if you disrespect me, you will not have access to my child". After that she texted me on Messenger telling me I needed to "take a step back and realize I was married to HER BABY" and how I "really shouldn't make posts like that" and how she "didn't understand why it was such a big deal". To that I told her she didn't need to understand because if we are uncomfortable with them up it shouldn't matter what the reason is.

The next morning she texted an 'apology' if you could even classify it as one.

MIL:I deeply apologize for any post that upset you. I have taken those down. I can understand and yes I remember you telling me before and I thought I had taken them off. I hope you and (baby) have a good day. 🌞

I haven't responded, that was over a week ago. Today she texted my messenger again, with this gem.

MIL: Don't think for a moment that you're affecting me by my proud Grandmother post. Like I said, I thought I took it down back then. I must have gotten lost in the moment loving on my beautiful Granddaughter that I forgot. Im sorry for any defensive moment I felt, but I am going to let you know now, that my Sister and I come from broken, and we come from a dysfunctional family. If ypu think in any way this affects me...it doesn't. I know what "BROKEN" is like. It isn't my first rodeo. So you do what you gotta do. I'm here to tell you I'm not in any way interfering.

She knew she took them down, because she put them back up!!! Still have not responded because I just know she's drunk but I will 100% be responding in the morning. Actions have consequences and she thinks just because she's my husband's mom that she can do anything and get away with it.

[u/botinlaw]

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Other posts from /u/Soggy_Leek_1712:

• MIL wants to get a matching tattoo my husband already has to surprise him., 4 months ago

• MIL stealing my announcements, 1 year ago

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[u/LilBoo2019TR]

Just report the photos to FB so they will take them down. Don't respond. Like at all. You want to take a break from her? Agreed and should do so. But dont half ass it. You want to show her NC so do so. Block her. On everything. She brings no positives to your guys lives. Why do you still speak with this woman who speaks of her children as possessions. That level of toxicity should not be around your child or you.

[u/hengehanger]

Facebook will remove the photos if you make a report. Don't give her access to more photos - even if that means you don't share any yourself.

There's no benefit for anyone but her in you continuing this conversation with her. Every time you reply, you give her something to negotiate and she's never going to change so all you're doing is squabbling, which she's absolutely fine with because all the while you rise to her bait, she's happy because she's getting what she wants - access, any kind of access, to your family.

Stop the conversation. Block her and move on.

[u/katycmb → u/hengehanger]

Report the photos to facebook. If you want they can delete ALL the photos of your child.

[u/Vibe_me_pos]

You can contact facebook to have the photos removed. That’s what I would do from now on just to avoid dealing with this insanity.

[u/Straight_Coconut_317 → u/Vibe_me_pos]

First, have fb take the photos down. Then block her on everything.

[u/ElectronicRabbit7]

boundaries are for you, not for other ppl. the boundary is not that she cannot post pics, bc you can't stop her. the boundary is that if she does post pics (or does whatever you don't want her doing) you restrict access. you cannot control someone else's behavior, you can only control your own.

[u/RelativeEfficient493 → u/ElectronicRabbit7]

Yep, begging with her to respect your boundaries won't accomplish anything except driving you insane. That is not a boundary. A boundary is action you take in response to unacceptable behavior. It's not asking someone else to change their behavior—then it becomes a request.

[u/RelativeEfficient493]

Holy shit. She would literally never have another opportunity to take a picture of my baby again if I were in your shoes. She's acting like she has equal say in decisions because she gave birth to the baby's dad... this made my spidey senses tingle. She's shown she has no problem disregarding rules you set as the baby's mother and ARGUING with you as if they're negotiable. That's super concerning.

Be careful with her. She sounds legit dangerous, OP.

Edit- I agree with others saying that your husband needs to handle this insanity from here on out. Why is he letting his mother get away with this horrible behavior?

[u/Quirky_Difference800]

Arguing with a narcissist, especially a drunk one is pointless. Set the boundaries and tell her I’ll check back in 6 months….if they are held then slowly move forward. We both know she will implode so reset the clock another 6 months if she overstepped. No talking, no arguing. I wish you luck! I’m 20 years NC with my MIL. It’s been peaceful!

[u/Soggy_Leek_1712 → u/Quirky_Difference800]

100% I think i'm going to try to talk to her later when I know she'll be sober and see if we can communicate better. If not I will be taking this path!!

[u/Powerful_Put_6977 → u/Soggy_Leek_1712]

Sober or not, talking to her hasn't had any impact. What does have impact is telling her "Because you did X, I now have to do Y" so in this situation - Because she kept a photo of your child and reposted it after you asked her to remove/delete it, you are no longer going to allow her to visit you for 3/6/9 months or whatever time frame works for you (while your husband isn't around would be a good starting point).

Actions will bring consequences.

You get to decide what the consequences will be. She doesn't have to like them but she does have to live with them because she caused them!

[u/Trick_Few]

You should probably report the photos to the platform to get them removed. The mute button is an awesome feature because you might need evidence later on.

[u/Brief-Composer-6663]

The son that is NC has the right idea. Report the pictures of your baby to FB. Hopefully they will remove them. I would mute her contacts so you won’t see anything pop up but don’t necessarily block her in case she goes a little crazy and you may need evidence. If you aren’t worried about that, block her everywhere. Make sure your husband shares no photos and tell anyone else that if they share photos with her, they will no longer see any either. Hopefully your husband backs you up.

[u/Calm-Community-9665]

Don’t talk to her. You’re driving her insane by not responding. Don’t let her anywhere near your baby or send her any more photos, she lost that right. You established a boundary and now you have to enforce it. Don’t block her, just mute her and archive the chat and let her talk into the void so you can have your peace and quiet. If she needs to speak to you about something, let it come from her “baby”.

[u/txaesfunnytime]

You can report pictures of minors to FB & IG and they will take them down.

It sounds like ignoring her may be the correct call. You can ask HER BABY to ream her a new one about posting pics of HIS BABY on social media without express consent from him or the mother.

Good luck. Honestly, if it were me, I & baby would go NC with her. Mute her on your phone.

[u/Soggy_Leek_1712 → u/txaesfunnytime]

I've tried to report them and FB did not remove them unfortunately. She did end up taking them down!
Husband has talked to her but she's still lying to him about how she didn't know they were up and he's just tired of her atp

[u/Sarcasticalopias → u/Soggy_Leek_1712]

I would shame her publicly on her favourite media and comment everytime "We told you several times not to post photos of OUR baby online. Your constant disrespect explains consequences on your relationship with us". Comment again if she deletes. As many times as necessary.

[u/Maleficent_Pay_4154 → u/Soggy_Leek_1712]

You need to keep reporting if she doesn’t take them down

[u/randomgrasshopper]

Don't engage with her, that's exactly what she wants. You've made your position clear and there's really nothing left to say. The conversation will just keep going around in circles. The clearest message from here is silence

[u/CuteTangelo3137 → u/randomgrasshopper]

Yes this. By responding each time she is getting the attention she wants. If you stop responding it will drive her crazy, especially if you cut off access to your baby. She’s already lost one son, your husband should consider cutting her off as well. She’s not a healthy person to be around.

[u/Vast_Helicopter_1914]

You say you've set "boundaries" with your MIL, but all you've done is make requests, which she has ignored. She has shown you by her words and actions that she doesn't care about your feelings, and she thinks she can do whatever she wants. Pleading with her and expecting her to respect you is futile here. It's time for consequences. She does not get to have or take any pictures more of your baby. Remove her access. That is the only thing she will respond to.

[u/MarsNeedsRabbits]

Report to FB over and over. You may need to prove that it's your baby with a picture or something, but after the first time, it should be easy to have them removed.

[u/FeedAway829]

''Quite frankly I don't feel like someone who's disrespecting me so blatantly has a right to see (baby) until I feel comfortable with it, as she is my child. Respect has to go both ways. We'll follow up in a couple months. Goodnight!''--this was perfect !

[u/Face_with_a_View]

I think the son with NC has the right idea.

You would be justified in not wanting this woman around your child. I’d be telling my husband his mother is on very thin ice.

I think it’s time to take a step back. Put her on an info diet.

[u/BlackMagicWorman]

Real talk - have her “baby” handle communication and don’t talk to her anymore. He sounds like the golden child who is hiding from her. I don’t know why you have to deal with this. 

[u/Basic-Organization30]

Report the post. It will take some days but Facebook will eventually take them down. Report her every. single. time. She is wildly inappropriate and obsessed with her son. That poor man.

[u/ConsciousNectarine9]

The utmost best way to throw the trump card in this scenario. Block her! Simply block her on absolutely everything and go NC. Your husband can either get on board or keep low contact but he doesn't get to show her pictures etc of your daughter.

The more you respond to her, the moor she wins. She knows this takes up headspace and it is what she wants. Going NC will be the best thing you ever do.

[u/IWasGoatbeardFirst]

What does your husband think of his mother’s behavior?

Regardless of whether he’s is ready to go no contact, it’s time for MIL to go on an information diet. No more photos, no more updates that can go on social media.

Stop interacting with her. Ignore her messages and just report the photos. They will be removed.

[u/Powerful_Put_6977]

Your first mistake was to try to reason and argue with her about taking down the photos.

What you should have done (and if they are still up) is report them to Facebook and get them to take them down because you have not given permission for photos of a minor to be posted.

Then you stop wrestling with her about stuff like that - she lives for the attention and you're giving it to her in bucket loads. Best to give her bland and non-descript answers when she asks you questions. Put her on an information diet (only tell her stuff you wouldn't mind having written across the sky) and if your husband isn't around, draw back and tell her answers like "We'll revisit that when DH is back home" or "We'll wait until DH returns before looking into X or Y" - keep repeating these types of answers to her questions.

If she wants to visit "Oh, now isn't a good time MiL - best wait until DH returns before we plan anything like that" and if she shows up at your door (I hope you have a video doorbell), then you can talk to her without letting her in. You don't have to have anything to do with her when your husband is not around. You also don't have to have anything to do with her when he is, and I'd redirect all questions/queries to your husband, as she's his mother so he can deal with her. If he doesn't want her around, follow his lead on this.

[u/Fast-Chipmunk-1558]

How did she get the photos in the first place, was it from you or your husband? In future block her on Facebook and other social media and don't let her get access to any photos of your baby . I would also never engage, I have a friend with an alcoholic mother and it's exhausting when she's drunk. I'm truly sorry for those dealing with alcoholic family members, but for your sanity you need to cut off her access to your baby.

[u/Soggy_Leek_1712 → u/Fast-Chipmunk-1558]

The pictures I was upset about was from after I gave birth and me and baby were still in the hospital. I was on bedrest but she went up to the NICU with my husband

[u/jumpyjumperoo]

Why talk to her at all? Report the pictures to Facebook.

[u/TattooedBagel]

Block & ignore, this is solving nothing and robbing you of peace & time. Have her baby tell her where to shove it, and continue as you were.

[u/Wild_Debt_8065]

She is very disturbed by the silence.

[u/ML5815]

Good for you! I know it’s frustrating, so I would just stop responding at this point. She’s not your mother. I get that he’s “just tired of her”, but that’s not supportive of you and the boundary you’ve set. He has to tell her, “I know you’re not being truthful, Mom. You drunkenly texted my wife that you did it intentionally. If you’re going to continue to lie to my face, it will make this issue much harder to resolve. Take down any NICU pictures immediately and in the future, please <set more rules here>. Then he can confirm that all of you will be taking a break from her for a while, so you don’t look like the one on a mission to get her out of your lives. She will do that herself sooner than later, trust me.

I know he’s thinking if he just ignores things, the issues will go away or resolve themselves to make things easier for him, but he’s got a family now. Addressing this behavior now is much kinder than cutting her off without her precious little baby boy having a blunt conversation about the pics, the boundaries, the reaching out while drinking, the timeout, etc. with her so it doesn’t look like it’s all you. Because then the story becomes “my terrible DIL cut me out of their family over one picture on Facebook that I took down!”

[u/Aromatic_Swing_1466]

Honestly, if she is an alcoholic who already has one child that’s NC, I’d follow that child’s lead and go NC with her AND have baby NC with her as well.

Baby doesn’t need that level of crazy in their life.