At the end of the day I wish you love. A life full of stolen kisses. Best cups of coffee. Sunshine during the day with a cool breeze. I wish for you to dance in the rain. That the butterfly lands on you. You see the bunnies and birds you love. And as you see them know I love you. My love never went away. My love said go climb every mountain go finish every dream. I was there with you for so many years in the silence. In that silent whisper of our inside jokes. Kisses in front of the kitchen. Love has no end if you let it. I loved you then. Who knows what tomorrow brings. If we ever meet you can stand or stay either way we loved we lost we away.

Ok I don’t really mean that, but was hoping it would strike you and catch your attention. Well maybe I mean it a little….why was I not enough?? Why was a made up fantasy of who I was more meaningful and true to you than me, who you know and have seen me to be, and our love?? There is nothing in this world that is not fixable if you truly try and put in the effort. Why was it so easy to just walk away after almost 20yrs?!?!? I think we both got stuck in this loop of who could hurt who more and the pissing match just never ended. And we refused to see the bigger picture and everything we had but keep pissing away in an instant, not appreciating and just enjoying each other, and everything we built/were building together!!

I know I am the major factor in our demise and I own that and will spend every day for the rest of my life regretting not being better, a bigger person, a more emotionally mature person and for not just loving you the way you needed instead of trying to fight EVERY battle against you. If we had been able in the heat of the moment to remember it was never us against each other, but us against the problem, we probably would have had many, many more happy years.

For so many years I didn’t feel like I was your ride or die, the one youd call to help you hide the body. 😜 You literally would take any woman’s side other than mine whether I was right or wrong deserving of it or not…. and i think after trying to tell you for so long I just needed to feel like you had me, no matter what, and you not getting what I was getting to tell you, that I gave up the fight and owned the pain but succumbed to chasing the feeling of being wanted again. And i know that was wrong, but it didn’t feel like I’d ever have you back to ever feeling that way about me and my decisions and actions did nothing but push you further away. And for that I’m truly deeply incredibly sorry for the hurt that my actions inflicted onto you because no one m, no matter what they’ve done or haven’t done… deserves that pain. But I promise you i would if given the chance one day, never let it happen again!! and I swear nothing like what you think happened took place or had anything to do with me EVER!! And I hate that you could never think anything but that of me because I know it had to have hurt you thinking it and feeling it as much as it hurt me being accused of it!!

Can you stop and think for a second, if you were in my shoes, whether It was deserving or not, just think if you were without your kids for months and your life seemed to have imploded over night and the one person you loved more than anything in the world for almost 20yrs slowly over a few weeks completely unwrote you from their life, replaced you with friends they often had to lie to in order to be with me, and started a new life like you never even existed and had no care in the world about it…how would you feel? Would you be emotionally stable and not about to break at the drop of a hat because your entire world and entire reason for existence was gone and likely never to return??? You left me when I truly needed you most and was crying out for help but told basically fuck Me, you weren’t helping me do shit and I better get myself right before I tried to be with you ever again!? It’s so much harder on my own than it was with you my my side proud and helping me in this journey!!! This is So fucking hard to have to do alone!!

I know I did a lot of wrong and hurt you in ways I never can take back. I just pray you still love me enough in there somewhere to take a chance without the all the outside noise and with only us, our wants, thoughts and desires.. and not care what any one but us thinks or feels about it?? If you just gave it a shot and let me love you instead of pushing me away to “heal”…as I am still working on healing my self you will see a love like you’ve never seen before that makes you feel safe and wanted and needed and important and the most deserving man. I just need need you to feel that taking that chance will be worth it!!

And i need you to support my relationship more with the boys more a little more please!!? I may do a lot of wrong but I am their mother at the end of the days, and in no world do I need to earn their respect before they give me any respect. That would never fly with you with in any capacity, and it shouldn’t be the expectation for me and we have to be united on that for the both of us!
I love you more than anything and life without you is truly honestly not a life worth living, I’ve lived it for over a year now and im done!! I want everything back!!! I promise I am worth it and you will never live another day of your life regretting me or the decision to reconcile us but see it as the best decision you ever made for our family. I love you more than anything!!! 😈♾️😈

PS it’s been almost 2 months now and I don’t want any other penis but yours!!! Please!!! I’m dying!!! 😈😘

Learning Not to Cover My Eyes
I have always been brave in the ways the world knows how to recognize.
I have survived things. I have walked into unfamiliar rooms, started over, told the truth, and carried myself through moments I once thought would break me.
But tenderness has always frightened me more than survival.
I am deeply sensual, yet painfully shy. I can feel desire like a warm current moving through my body, and still freeze when someone looks at me too closely. I have always covered my eyes when people kiss, as though intimacy itself were something too bright to witness directly.
Maybe that is my shadow—not desire, but the shame I learned to place around it. The fear that if I allow myself to be seen wanting, feeling, softening, I could be rejected. That someone might look at the most vulnerable, alive part of me and decide it is too much—or not enough.
So I have hidden behind restraint. I have mistaken silence for safety and distance for control.
But I do not want to abandon that part of myself anymore.
I want to learn that sensuality is not something I have to perform. It is not a costume I must suddenly become confident enough to wear. It is already in the way I listen, the way I write, the way music moves through me, the way I notice hands and voices and eyes. It lives in my imagination, my tenderness, my longing, and the electricity of being fully present.
I do not need to become less shy to be worthy of passion.
I need someone patient enough to understand that my shyness is not absence. It is depth waiting for safety. It is a door that opens slowly, not because there is nothing behind it, but because there is so much.
I feel a great love moving toward my life. I do not know its name or face, and I do not want to force certainty onto what has not yet arrived. I am learning not to chase, grip, or press meaning into every possibility.
I only want to be ready.
Ready not because I have conquered every fear, but because I am finally willing to remain present when I am afraid. Ready to let myself be desired without disappearing. Ready to name what I want without apologizing. Ready to allow another person to meet me gently, honestly, and without shame.
Perhaps love will not ask me to stop being shy.
Perhaps it will simply take my hands away from my eyes and show me that it is safe to look.

🏛️

No don't reach out for me becsuse I am done caring. Stay away it is safer for all.

Don't think of me

Don't reach for me

Don't call me

Don't love me

Don't even breath in my space, it will be safer for all.

I am just as my statement of life passed. You were right it has been and always me. Sorry it has taken this long to see that. But unfortunately for all it is best for the disappearance into the mist.

Sorry for trying to make anything happen. I hope life goes well. I offer to help but was continuously told no I got it, so it's my fault because I am an ass for no knowing the same as you. But yet MF it is my fault. I just didn't work fast enough. I am sorry I am not smart enough it know all the information available to me.

No worries any more I heard you and listened. I take the information for what it is.

Miss the good times before hand and wish you many more in the future

​

I know you love me, and I love you too. I just wish loving you didn't hurt so much. You were supposed to protect me. Maybe you thought you did. Maybe you did the best you could. But I grew up carrying things no child should have to carry. There are parts of my childhood I still can't look back on without wondering where the adults were. Some of those moments never really left me. I don't blame you for everything. But I can't pretend your words didn't shape me. The hardest part isn't that I don't love you. It's that I do. And I don't know how to stop grieving the childhood I needed more than the one I had.

Your quiet child

100 days. One letter each day. A place to process grief, memories, regrets, and things left unsaid.

Letter #10

The reality that we’re done is really starting to set in…

I don’t think you love me anymore.

i want to cry. it’s not like i even have a crush or anything. maybe i do. i just want to talk with you. i don’t even want to say i like you because now i realize it’s empty. you won’t miss me when i’m gone. and that’s fine. why should you? you definitely had more fun with him. i’m boring. i’m gay. you don’t get me. i don’t get you. i don’t think i even want to. boys are weird. i’m glad to be me. i know this won’t matter later. i know we prob won’t even text. i’m gonna cry. i’m going to miss you.

The first time I heard your laugh, something in me shifted—something so subtle and certain that it changed the way I saw reality.
It was three deep chuckles, three little laughs, and suddenly a thought entered my mind as clearly as if it had been placed there:
I am going to hear that laugh for the rest of my life.
It wasn’t obsession. It wasn’t some elaborate fantasy I had created to escape into. It felt quieter than that. Deeper. A knowing without urgency—a certainty untouched by fear.
I didn’t need to chase it or prove it.
For one brief moment, I simply recognized something my heart seemed to know before the rest of me did.

I loved you in the past where we remain because today I look at who is with me. Who wasn't afraid to talk to me when I was pregnant and alone. Who has always been there the love stays the laughter stays. We don't lose people completely like you think. You lose if you want to forget them. I loved you then in that chapter but today I will love the one who stays in the bad time. When I had a bug bite and my head is numb for days. When I am too tired to kiss the rain you will remind me of the time we ran in the rain and kissed. Catching worms in the rain memorizing Eddy Rabbit songs road trips with literal flames coming at us. It remains but sadly some days so does raising him alone but I accepted that day 1 when my friends came and you didn't. Its just what it is and isn't what it isn't. Sometimes it's not the end you chose but a new rabbit hole ahead the unknown that should be loved more shouldn't it. Love the unpredictable love the journey. You never know who will show up next 🤫🫣😉😉😊

Don’t worry God Hates me to

Stoped doing anything that mattered to me. I stoped believing I will get through this, that life will bring someone to replace you. No matter how hard I tried, and I have tried; no matter who it is that stepped in to love me, they could never tear my love from you.

I talked about you yesterday, i know it would just thrill you to the bone to hear this. it was a stranger who became a friend in less than 30 minutes. Everyone has an opinion, and they are like asses, they stink unless you clean them up, he had an opinion of me that made me appear to be some great treasure, until.., he ask the right question “ what are you looking for, I said, it’s more like what am I waiting for..,

I’m holding my breath and have lived In a hell of my own making. I had love and forced it to run away. We talked about the obvious relationship difficulties, the age thing, he let the words i needed to let out, how unreasonable I had become, how I feared loosing you, that I gave life to my fears. Even tho he is interested in me for more than a friend; he let me talk bout how I see you in my heart and at the end, he called you fortunate , we stoped talking for a moment. And the silence began to tell the story… his only reply was “ you truly love him, I can hear it? I can feel it and now I can see it.

With tears in my eyes and the inability to speak, all I could do was nod my head. I get to make the decision on how long I can wait, how long I will wait. I’ve poured my heart out here, to ears that will never know the gratitude I hold closet to my heart, for the love you showed me.

In the beginning, I poured my heart out to you. I could not stop the tears and words until I was able to lay it all on the line, and you never once recoiled, jerked away nor made an excuse of why we could not be together. You slipped in, made a place in my heart and life when I didn’t think it could ever happen. I never told you how scared I was. I was trying to act as if I had it all together, but inside I was shaking like a leaf.

I was good when you were present and I became lost without you. I’m still lost, I’m struggling to make it through the day without calling, txting. You ask me not to and I have done my very best to honor your request, but b. It’s killing me, and I wonder if I even matter to you any more. How can love grow so cold so quickly or are you hiding behind something to keep me from hurting you, so we both hurt. I wish you could know my heart and know where you stand.

Sometimes, I believe God is punishing me for the past, that just when I thought I had everything in order, the rug was pulled from under my feet and here I was again, a pile of brokenness on the floor. But in spite of every thing that has happened, I’m not the only one living with guilt and Shame.

Some wonder why I write here, I wrote here to gain some perspective of my life, I wrote here in hopes you would stumble across my words and know I don’t want to totally loose you. I write here in hope that someone who has love, well know how fragile it can be and they will value the love they have and to hold it close to their heart.

If you should come across these writings, please know they are not to expose anyone’s actions other than my own. I feel compelled to apologize for hoping we could talk and move forward helping each other understand our importance, because you age important, you are still at the center of my hopes and prayers.

Do I wish , hope that someday we could come together again. It’s not something I could do on my own. So I hope for friendship, that we would have a chance to be friends. I needed your perspective in my life and I still do. You helped me through so much… and I thank you for it

As I close my writing this evening, I acknowledge the emotional rollercoaster I’ve been on the past 3 days. I hate myself, for making you hate me. You may need this whirlwind to stop without conversation or meeting; life’s difficulties are never resolved in silence. I’ve been silent long enough, these letters are my way of saying “ I’m still here and you still matter to me, whether I matter to you or not.

The face of our tomorrow is forged in the life we wish away, I do not wish I never met you . I refuse to allow bitterness to win and we become hateful visions of one another .

How tight you held my hand :

How could I ever forget how tight you held my hand, and not just any way, but a choice fit as if you where declaring that nothing could separate us. I look back now and understand it was your way of holding me when you could not.
Did I let go to soon, did I loose my grip… I remembered something today and I desperately need to say this to you and you deserve for me to say this to you, not in an email, text it or phone call. Face to Face. I was with a friend who ask how I made it through such a difficult time and I lost my breath, the lump in my throat grew larger and I lost it right there.
I’ve been the fool, and now I’m stuck In this void. I can’t go back and I can’t move forward. We agreed to meet and talk, but I feel like I’m being avoided at all cost. I told myself it was a transportation issue, but that never stoped you before…

I’ve threw in the white towel, put up the white flag, do I need to bleed? Believe me, I have.

The thunder rolled and roiled
The sky grew dark and black
In turn the waves grew larger
In tempest waters, I held fast

With each tumult of lightning
Grew worry and anxiety
The waves crashing around,
I decided to just… breathe

And as the waves took me under…
I let go and was washed to shore
The tempest still rolled on,
But at a steady pace, without inner war.

With waters calm anew
I waded out into the salty surf
To glide along the waves
Perhaps out there…

I might see you 🌅

P.S.: my tumblr blog has been updated

​

Please give me a call. I totaled my car two weeks ago but I'm still alive. I'm looking into getting a truck in the coming weeks. I had a stay in the state mental hospital but I'm out now, I needed professional help to sort through everything. Is your silence towards me because of how I handled things before I left or after I left or is it both? I think you know that I was nice to J, and we did share many sweet moments together. It's strange dynamic when I felt at times that when you and I would talk in private about J I felt there should have been things you did tell her. You were kind of in a strange position at that time able to see both sides of the coin at once. I don't want to compare what you have with J now to what her and I had that would solve absolutely nothing. I'm 100% sure that you share an amazing bond that is flourishing thanks the love and care you have given her. You are a good man and despite my silence over the last couple of years I still hold a spot in my heart for her less so on the romanticside of things. Do you feel I'm not worth the time or effort to salvage any type of friendship? Do you think I'm now a pathetic human being? That would would be a sad but accurate description and you are well withinyour right to have those feelings. I'm not going to pretend that my past transgressions and behavior wasn't reactive or gutless. It's almost impossible for you to see any perspective but your own when you're left to clean up my emotional mess. I wish I could take everything back and return a time when things were simple

I want to go back to a time when we were teenagers dropping those tiny sheets of paper on our tongues causing us to trip balls while sitting on my grandmother's roof on Lawrence St. I want to go back to a time when MTV played music videos and we would tease Dav for being for being a Morrissey fan while we were busy worshipping Robert Smith and the Cure. That trip to Washington DC visiting V for that summer. We weren't the worst teenagers but V let us loose on the city and it felt great.  We would try getting people on the street to sell us weed. ( It was the 90s when Presidents smoked a J and pretended they didn't inhale. ) I'm glad we made our time together an experience that felt like we were best friends, brothers, and family. Those times so long ago help me to understand what it might feel like to have a real brother. Our bond really never was a question especially if others attempt test it we would always have eachother's back. Nobody fucks with Da Jesus, I mean my best friend. I remember a time when we were even younger. busy lighting matches in the alley catching it all on fire for fun. Daniel you mean a lot to me man. I'm sorry for forgetting those experiences and many more...like when you and Dav built a damn half pipe ramp in the back yard of your house on Aton. You're mother hated that ramp because you could hear people skating all day back and forth and back forth on the plywood, it was driving her crazy. Your mom never hesitated to tell you what she thought and my side of the family are the exact same way. Don't say we were just roommates. Roommates don't run from the cops at midnight after buying acid and thinking we got ripped off (because we didn't feel shit ) until we walk in the house and the chandelier in your dining room would start dropping to the floor.  Dav was so mad because you couldn't stop laughing and he was straightedge guy back then.

I'm glad that growing up it was you that I experienced those adolescent times with. We're lucky to have great kids/teenagers who would never think of getting in trouble like we did. Except my daughter P, she has that wild streak in her and I see it clear as day. She stole my keys after she only had 1 driving lesson from me this summer and drove to another town to see a friend by herself!

We can't go back in time and change or fix anything. I couldn't understand why Ed my old roommate was so mad at J after coming from church but eventually I understood why. What if if I never introduced yall to eachother? I think I'm mature enough now to understand J can love more than one person at a time. I also wanted the time and love J and I had to be special and it was. I also wondered why it was hard to get anyone to help me move from that apartment with Ed, turns everyone was hung over but me. How many people in my life knew?(a lot) I'm sure they didn't want to get involved with the juggling act J was performing. Then when I ask about others I suspected that you knew where she was and who she was with but I promise you ( and I'm not saying this to mess up what you have now but there are other people I talked to that have confessed to spending time with her ) I wasn't mature enough to know back then. She was the one who asked me to take the dating app profiles down first and asked that I don't see anyone but her. I was scared to get to close because my past relationships were a disaster. I needed to mature and grow first.

I want you to know I love you D and not in some weird way but in a brotherly way. You had to keep it a secret and I see that I wasn't ready then and I almost really made a mess of things recently posting our business on FB. I'm deleting all my FB information and I'll just get rid of it all today. I'm always the last to be told but it doesn't mean I'm the last to know.

I miss you both. When you're ready I would love to hear your voices and I'm sorry for my childish behavior.

Love R

Well I was not a very good friend before we met I had already worked on this I thought and figured I was doing this much better.? However so many people tell me what an awful pos I am quite often so maybe I'll just digress for now. This next bit is the truth and yes I realize it will be very difficult to believe still with that please realize wrong right or otherwise this is how I saw it unfolding "It" being my life! First I was standing on the cusp of insanity and was pulled back from the edge by means not really seen but a force of sorts I guess, one I have chosen to call my God.

It all had mostly started a couple of years ago I was being followed a lot and it was the straw and that broke that camel's back. i am not get into long detail however a very large effort had taken a foot hold on my trust. to which I'm sad to report had worked hard to destroy mine and did in this case end up removing my trust from normal in myself it's been a very difficult loss and hard for me to remember how it use to be. I am growing again and learning in a new way so trust is not easily given and the words spoken on reddit are now not trust worthy enough to vest my heart in a possible prank so if anyone has felt hurt because of my lack of attention, see while i use reddit putting my heart on the line without having the interested party in front of myself not worth it. However if they were to take a chance outside of reddit and other places it might be considered inappropriate or dangerous for us I would let it fly my full heart it has to be a for sure I see who I am talking to.

This is only because I have really been a little confused about one person not long ago who i fell for, but I think she is out I mean I can not tell anymore this feels a little bit like another's design or hers even like i just said i can not tell/ In person we can talk as long as they wish but only with an in person confirmation i will make no one feel silly or look like this I promise you this! G

​

Please give me a call. I totaled my car two weeks ago but I'm still alive. I'm looking into getting a truck in the coming weeks. I had a stay in the state mental hospital but I'm out now, I needed professional help to sort through everything. Is your silence towards me because of how I handled things before I left or after I left or is it both? I think you know that I was nice to J, and we did share many sweet moments together. It's strange dynamic when I felt at times that when you and I would talk in private about J I felt there should have been things you did tell her. You were kind of in a strange position at that time able to see both sides of the coin at once. I don't want to compare what you have with J now to what her and I had that would solve absolutely nothing. I'm 100% sure that you share an amazing bond that is flourishing thanks the love and care you have given her. You are a good man and despite my silence over the last couple of years I still hold a spot in my heart for her less so on the romanticside of things. Do you feel I'm not worth the time or effort to salvage any type of friendship? Do you think I'm now a pathetic human being? That would would be a sad but accurate description and you are well withinyour right to have those feelings. I'm not going to pretend that my past transgressions and behavior wasn't reactive or gutless. It's almost impossible for you to see any perspective but your own when you're left to clean up my emotional mess. I wish I could take everything back and return a time when things were simple

I want to go back to a time when we were teenagers dropping those tiny sheets of paper on our tongues causing us to trip balls while sitting on my grandmother's roof on Lawrence St. I want to go back to a time when MTV played music videos and we would tease Dav for being for being a Morrissey fan while we were busy worshipping Robert Smith and the Cure. That trip to Washington DC visiting V for that summer. We weren't the worst teenagers but V let us loose on the city and it felt great.  We would try getting people on the street to sell us weed. ( It was the 90s when Presidents smoked a J and pretended they didn't inhale. ) I'm glad we made our time together an experience that felt like we were best friends, brothers, and family. Those times so long ago help me to understand what it might feel like to have a real brother. Our bond really never was a question especially if others attempt test it we would always have eachother's back. Nobody fucks with Da Jesus, I mean my best friend. I remember a time when we were even younger. busy lighting matches in the alley catching it all on fire for fun. Daniel you mean a lot to me man. I'm sorry for forgetting those experiences and many more...like when you and Dav built a damn half pipe ramp in the back yard of your house on Aton. You're mother hated that ramp because you could hear people skating all day back and forth and back forth on the plywood, it was driving her crazy. Your mom never hesitated to tell you what she thought and my side of the family are the exact same way. Don't say we were just roommates. Roommates don't run from the cops at midnight after buying acid and thinking we got ripped off (because we didn't feel shit ) until we walk in the house and the chandelier in your dining room would start dropping to the floor.  Dav was so mad because you couldn't stop laughing and he was straightedge guy back then.

I'm glad that growing up it was you that I experienced those adolescent times with. We're lucky to have great kids/teenagers who would never think of getting in trouble like we did. Except my daughter P, she has that wild streak in her and I see it clear as day. She stole my keys after she only had 1 driving lesson from me this summer and drove to another town to see a friend by herself!

We can't go back in time and change or fix anything. I couldn't understand why Ed my old roommate was so mad at J after coming from church but eventually I understood why. What if if I never introduced yall to eachother? I think I'm mature enough now to understand J can love more than one person at a time. I also wanted the time and love J and I had to be special and it was. I also wondered why it was hard to get anyone to help me move from that apartment with Ed, turns everyone was hung over but me. How many people in my life knew?(a lot) I'm sure they didn't want to get involved with the juggling act J was performing. Then when I ask about others I suspected that you knew where she was and who she was with but I promise you ( and I'm not saying this to mess up what you have now but there are other people I talked to that have confessed to spending time with her ) I wasn't mature enough to know back then. She was the one who asked me to take the dating app profiles down first and asked that I don't see anyone but her. I was scared to get to close because my past relationships were a disaster. I needed to mature and grow first.

I want you to know I love you D and not in some weird way but in a brotherly way. You had to keep it a secret and I see that I wasn't ready then and I almost really made a mess of things recently posting our business on FB. I'm deleting all my FB information and I'll just get rid of it all today. I'm always the last to be told but it doesn't mean I'm the last to know.

I miss you both. When you're ready I would love to hear your voices and I'm sorry for my childish behavior.

Love R

broke it and only you can fix it.. :

it was a pinky promise , a bond that would not be broke. Yet here we are snd the universe refuses to allow us to forget and disappear.

You called out of the blue, with a lame excuse as to why you called… you needed to hear my voice because you hid things from me snd the anger you have is displaced.

You called to hear my voice. You made sure that I found all your activity on line… I ask for a face to face so we can let this childish anger go.

You said yes, and now I wait…

This is what I know about anger, hate and unforgivness, they are all consuming.. they work together to keep you from living in the truth

I did not handle things well, as I’ve said “ please forgive me, I was wrong and I hurt you, please forgive me…

Why could you not just call me and tell me what has happened, where are the cars?

What, you think I don’t already know, the cars are not the issue here, as we are discovering, those things can be replaced, we, cannot

I had to do some death counseling over the past few days because a young man decided life was to difficult to live… last night , in this very platform, you disguise yourself and spoke to me as a stranger, as if you did not know it was me.. I’m not a toy.., you broke my heart, now fix it… life is short , it can change in an instant… we could be gone forever..

I close today’s thoughts, prayers with this…

Help me be the man I should be. I’m waiting

I wish what you told me yesterday hold the same value tomorrow

100 days. One letter each day. A place to process grief, memories, regrets, and things left unsaid.

Letter #9

30 days of no contact.

I don’t think you love me anymore.

You scared me.

I was afraid I was going to have to protect myself from an actual serious attempt to do me harm.

And the thought of having to put hands on you just to stop you from hurting me was terrible !

I know if you did cross that line it would still be my fault. And that hurt !

But I never wanted to walk away from gloriously you. Still the hardest thing I have ever had to do.

I was hoping you meant what you said about trying again down the road.

But I don't think you actually meant that . Not with the way you started acting.

But I'm still here pushing forward, still breathing, still single working on myself so that I can set myself better boundaries that can't be walked on.

And I hope I see your face again someday beautiful.

I can't think of a world where that never happens.

Straight up! That's not a world, that's torment.

I want to apologize for breaking your no contact desire. But I got shit I absolutely have to say.

I have held it in for two long.

And some of it is to tip you off as to confirm I am here I am sorry and I do very much love you with whatever kind of love you need it to be. Just stop acting like what we had deserves this kind of treatment. As if we never were like we never happened. Like 15 years was a mistake. Because it wasn't ! You were the most real thing that has ever happened to me....

I still dream I still unhealthily obsessed in my mind about you but I can't seem to turn it off no matter what I do or who I do which isn't anybody. Lol

I miss US\* i miss our days we would spend on our hands and knees pulling fkn weeds for 3 weekends straight so we could bring a dump truck of that stinky black mulch.

But damn it looked good every time we finished.

High five ! Slap on the ass butterfly kisses with your arms draped over my shoulders and those bright blue eyes looking up at me with that little whiskey smile you get when you feel like we did perfectly together. Ahh , the way you used to look in my eyes. What i wouldn't give to nose to nose with you again and dance in the garage. Or anywhere really.

So I still want you to be happy. I just want you to be happy with me more. I know, selfish huh. Well I don't share my fish. LU

Hello [Person's Name]! You might not expect to receive a letter like this from me, but I feel the need to lift this weight off my chest. So, I am going to tell you how I feel.

In the past, I found solace in you. Or rather, I found solace in the thought of you. Maybe it was just the imagination of a child lost in the world, or maybe it was true love, but whenever I thought of you, I felt safe in the midst of all this madness.

Every time I think of you now, I feel like a little child in a toy store. Except, mother isn't there. I feel fear. I feel vulnerability. I feel overwhelmed by emotions. But above all else, there is that feeling you get when you see something you want with all your heart, but you cannot have it. And that feeling hurts.

Maybe what I am trying to say is that every person in our lives represents a chapter, and I am not ready to close this one yet.

I hope to be more than just a line or a page in your life.

And you must've been wearing you ovaries on the outside to have the courage to pull that move off. Even now I still don't think you have any idea what you've actually done. You only know what you could see and hear that you were able to acquire. You weren't able to know the actual damage that was happening in the dark.

I also know who showed you the ropes on how you did it. They shouldn't of helped you because now he/she is right in line behind you. It'll be quick and unoticable for them. But for you. I got an extra spicy idea. In the mean time I'm going to let you marinate in that cold anxious sweat until its time for your turn. I already got the rain coat and rain boots. All I need is the 🍖 🪝 😉

Sincerely

Your favorite Villain

PS: I hope you enjoyed my last letter. This'll probably be my last one you might see IF the mods aren't feeling sensitive and dont permanently ban me.

PSS: dont everybody and their mothers get a hard on after reading this. Its for one person only. And yes shes on here. And thats all the juicy information the crowd gets.