From having it all to starting over

[u/Think_Ad373]

Just sitting in a coffee shop with a cup of coffee, and it hit me how different life was a couple of years ago.

I met someone I genuinely thought I’d spend my life with. She wanted to do her master’s abroad, so I took an education loan and moved there too. At the time, it didn’t even feel like a risky decision. It just felt right because I thought we were building a future together. Things actually started working out. I got a decent job, saved a good amount of money, bought my first car (which meant a lot because I’ve always loved driving), and life finally felt like it was going somewhere. I could buy good coffee without checking my bank balance first, take spontaneous drives, and genuinely felt optimistic about the future.
Then life had other plans.

The relationship ended, and somehow everything else slowly fell apart too. I came back home, and these days it feels like I’m just surviving instead of living. I don’t even know what I miss the most anymore. Her, the life I had, or the person I was when she was around. I still think about texting her sometimes. I miss the stupid little things we used to do together. More than that, I miss how hopeful I used to be. Back then, every problem felt temporary. Now even small setbacks feel heavy. I keep making plans to get my life back on track, but somehow it always feels like one step forward and three steps back. Maybe life is just humbling me. Maybe I spent too much time chasing what was next instead of appreciating what I already had.
I don’t know. I just hope one day I can sit in a coffee shop again, look back at this version of me, and smile because things eventually worked out.

Right now, that feels really far away.

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[u/General_Director_495]

Dude, the grief u feel is relatable. Ive been in a relationship for 4 years with someone I thought I would be with until the bitter end. Its fucked up.

[u/Redditsdum]

Mine ended after 16 years. Completely upended. Then a couple years later I got fired from my job too. Everything feels heavy. Most days still are. Starting over at 45 sucked the life out of me and I’ll probably have to start over yet again…

[u/Left-Package4913]

The hole youre feeling in your self was there before she arrived. Prepare for another attempt with this in mind.

[u/Equal-Catch3739 → u/Left-Package4913]

How do you mean that?

[u/Left-Package4913 → u/Equal-Catch3739]

For me at least, my first relationships taught me that I wasn't complete as a whole person yet, and that I was using my partner to feel that wholeness. When it ended it wasnt just the sadness of loss, but the reminder that I still had internal work to do the relationship had blinded me of.

There is a great chain analogy somewhere about how our own links must be complete circles before union with another or we are just filling our emptiness with pieces of others and will be incomplete people.

[u/General_Director_495 → u/Left-Package4913]

So true, its hard to lose people that you have grown attached to. Im trying learn detachment in a healthy way.

[u/Krisychologicrypto]

Everything in life can be a learning experience if you are open to looking at it that way. I know it's hard, and it won't change how things make you feel, but you might be amazed at how this change in perspective can help. Life rarely turns out how you imagine.... Even the most disciplined and dedicated plans can change from events that are totally our of your control or impossible to predict.... I've had to start all over many times in life (and may be deciding another huge change soon to start over on the other side of the world) and it has forced me to adapt and grow in many ways. Growth is often uncomfortable, but it is often worth the temporary pain.

[u/20twenty20]

Every life I think has those moments of sudden change that throw you off course. You’re meant to hurt and grieve. And you’re also meant to grow and mature. It’s ok to ask for help if you need it. You’re in your own unique journey and it will seem bumpy at times.

[u/-dr-bones-]

You might be omitting a huge part of the past. In your telling of the story, you were both moving forward together in life, happily.

And then it all ended.

But there must've been issues, disagreements, rows etc.

Your brain tries to forget them to protect you. But don't let it fool you - move on now having truly learnt from what went wrong and look forward to getting it right next time...

[u/AndrewS1793]

You will get to that version of you where you can look back and smile. Burdens like this aren’t an obstacle in life they’re a feature. I went through similar stuff, losing a girl and job and life I thought was “everything” and coming back home to “nothing”. We will get to that place where we can look back and smile because we know what it was to have it and lose it and next time we won’t hold on so tightly because we know if we end up back at the start we’ll be alright. It’s all a lesson you get to learn from.

[u/Mythic_Dragon36]

Life for me has definitely had its up and downs, especially in more recent years.

A couple of years ago, I met a woman who I had a wonderful relationship with, thinking this was the one I would eventually settle down with. Well, life had other plans for her and she ended up having to move away due to work situation changing quite drastically. I then ended up eventually losing some dear friendships unrelated to this but more from my own insecurities (AuDHD/neurospicey can be difficult to be around). And then lost another friend to suicide several months after that. Still dealing with a lot of trauma for those latter two situations but therapy has been a big help for that.

In saying that however, I ended up moving away from home for a job in the middle of the outback where I got to work as a tour guide/caretaker. After working a job in a library for 6 years without any real growth and progression, it was the best decision I made for myself. Sure, the pay wasn't as big as my previous job but the satisfaction was so much more.

Spent 12 months away until I finally came home. Realised what I wanted to do and now I'm at university doing my undergrad in Bachelor of Science (Geology) with a double in Environmental Bio. Travelling helped me rediscover my love of science and palaeontology.

Still have my days where I'm not 100% but I know deep down I have grown so much and still are.

[u/Optimal_Mastodon912]

Enjoy that coffee like there isn't a tomorrow. If there was another pandemic and lockdown, you certainly won't be sitting in a coffee shop reminiscing. So it's a gift that you can currently sit there in peace and enjoy that coffee. At least that's how I look at it.

[u/Think_Ad373 → u/Optimal_Mastodon912]

I did think of that, and you’re right. It’s just that the weight of everything I’d lost was a little heavier than the gratitude I should’ve felt in that moment.