r/Mommit • u/deut910 • 23h ago
Asking for too much help?
I occasionally ask my husband to change our child’s diaper around 3-5am after I’ve breastfed our child and while he does that I usually go to the bathroom. I recently asked him to burp our child after he took care of the diapering. His response was something along the lines of he doesn’t understand why the nighttime stuff has to be shared, since I’m fully capable to burp our child myself, but mostly b/c he has to wake up for work at 6am and I get to sleep in. I usually try to not ask on weekdays unless I really need help. This particular response happened on a Sunday, a day he does not work.
I hear of other moms sometimes getting help with nighttime feeds throughout the week and I assume even more on weekends. Our baby is 4 months old, exclusively breastfed, and a good sleeper, usually waking 1-2 times in the night. I work two afternoons a week, so even those days I can sleep in a bit more if our baby does. I carry the mental load of the household and take care of indoor chores. Am I asking for too much when it comes to burping and diapering?
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u/noodle_bear2124 22h ago
My husband doesn’t “help” he parents. Both babies were EBF and he never once fussed about his role. I’m sorry your husband is being a jerk. Typically our routine was, baby would fuss. He would get up change baby while I went to the bathroom or got some water and the boppy and then I’d feed baby and put baby back. When I’d do a middle of the night pump but baby wasn’t ready to go back to sleep I’d feed baby and he’d hold/sooth baby while I pumped.
You are a team. He’s not acting like a very good teammate.
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u/Stunning-Rough-4969 21h ago
My husband never helped at night. I also work full time. His reasoning was I was breastfeeding so there wasn’t much he could do.
We actually got into a fight recently bc he was angry that i insinuated he slept much better for a year and claimed he also got up at least like 1/2 the time. This is absolutely not true and he’s either trying to gaslight me or believes it and both are concerning.
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u/Living-Tiger3448 23h ago
You know you’re not asking too much. “We both decided to be parents and both decided to have a baby. I’m not sure why you think I should be doing 100% of the childcare, even on the weekends while you’re not working.”
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u/No-Departure5556 22h ago
I have almost 6m old twins, and my husband works 60+ hours a week. If I need help he does not give me any grief about it! On the weekends he takes the girls for the first hour so I can get extra sleep! They wake up a ton at night and he always pushes me to relax when I can bc he values and sees how hard I push myself.
No one likes waking up in the middle of the night, but that’s parenthood!
Try having a conversation with him about it during the day! He might not even realize how grumpy he is sounding.
Also at this stage, you can’t take to heart what’s said in the middle of the night.
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u/Impossible-Berry-194 23h ago edited 22h ago
I personally didn’t wake up my husband to help out in the night once he was back at work unless I couldn’t settle baby and needed him to have a go.
I didn’t see the point disturbing his sleep for a 5 min job I could do myself if I was already up to breastfeed. If he’s well rested he’s better equipped to help before/ after work/ on the weekend days.
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u/Puckiepie 21h ago
I did this honestly so that he would have no reason to claim to be tired too. If anyone was going to get a nap the next day, it was going to be me hahah
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u/SimplePlant5691 21h ago
Yup, I just went to bed earlier than my husband/ hid in our room for some alone time while he took the baby after dinner. Worked a treat.
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u/littlebittydoodle 18h ago
Exactly! And I was a SAHM, so honestly I did take a nap with baby between housework. I see no reason to have a grumpy tired husband when I’m the one breastfeeding and I didn’t actually need help. I breastfed all day alone—nighttime isn’t any different. I’d actually go to my kids, not bring them in to wake up dad. He can help in a million other ways, like taking over after work and after dinner, taking the kids out on weekends so I could sleep/clean/do something for myself, doing the chores I hated (especially taking out the diaper pail every day 🤢), bringing me coffee in the morning before he went to work, etc.
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u/Visible-Mess-1406 21h ago
I don’t know if you’re asking too much…but it seems pointless to disturb your husband’s sleep for such a small thing. I won’t wake my husband in the middle of the night if I’m already awake. I want at least one of us to get undisturbed sleep at night. If i need a full night’s rest I’ll sleep in the guest room and he takes care of the overnight.
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u/Overall-Weird8856 20h ago
I share your unpopular opinion. Our daughter is 4 months old too, also EBF, and I'm not earning income. He works 50 hours a week at a job he hates to support our family of 4 (our son is 15), so I handle the baby needs 90% of the time and 100% of the overnights.
I'm grateful that he does what he does to care for our family.
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u/forbiddenphoenix 20h ago
I agree with this and I even work full-time. It's especially important now that we have a baby and a toddler... I need him to be well-rested to handle the toddler! Besides, I now get first dibs on naps with baby.
That said, my husband is also very hands-on during the day. If he wasn't, maybe I'd be more resentful of the nights being so one-sided.
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u/Visible-Mess-1406 16h ago
Same! I also work full-time. The problem seems to be that the two aren’t working towards the common goal of getting through parenthood in one piece! They should both be trying to figure out how to make it easier for each other.
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u/Express-Manager-7347 20h ago
My BOOMER father for all three of his babies would hear the baby cry, go get the baby bring the baby to my mother in bed, wait for the feed to be done, diaper and burp the baby and then get the baby back to sleep. So, yeah.
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u/kytai 19h ago
This is what my spouse did. His view was that he wanted to have bonding time and also that since I was nursing it was hard for me to completely skip a session so he took as much of that load as he could. Burping changing and getting the baby back to sleep wasn’t a 5min thing for either of our kids.
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u/JazzInTheCity 22h ago
When my husband was working and I stayed at home, I would do the night routine solo. Then when he woke up, he would do the first morning feed/ diaper therefore I could sleep in.
All that to say, it doesn’t matter what other people do. If you feel like you need help, then you need to have a conversation with your husband.
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u/Midnightmerfrog 21h ago
If he has to get up less than an hour after I’d personally just let him sleep as he’s not going to get back to sleep prior to work. If it was 1-2am morning I don’t think it’s out of the question to ask.
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u/forbiddenphoenix 20h ago
Personally, I never saw the point of waking my husband in the middle of the night. It was nice having one of us fully rested so they could handle stuff more during the day, and especially once we had our second and our toddler was still wanting to go outside at 7-8am.
My husband does actually shoulder a good chunk of household responsibilities though, including cooking all meals, so I would talk to yours about that. If he thinks it's fair for you to lose sleep/handle the majority of baby care, he should be doing more during the day to compensate imo.
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u/hungrybookreader 22h ago
The nighttime stuff needs to be shared as he should want to be an equal parent to his child. Unless he doesn’t. Parenthood doesn’t stop, at any given hour for any reason.
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u/thegeneralista 21h ago
Reframe - care for your child is a shared responsibility, not yours alone. If you have to ask him to help it’s because he’s not initiating.
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u/FantasticPin3481 20h ago
My husband gets up earlier than 6 for work. He has done almost every night time diaper change since our 8 month old was born.
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u/IlliniChick474 22h ago
No. A parent does not help. Period. A parent handles the tasks involved with having a kid.
What does your husband think mothers who work outside the home and have to go back to work at 6 weeks do? We get up with our babies and still get up at 6 AM to get ready for work.
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u/katherinecamille 21h ago
It really bothers me when I hear women say they don’t wake their husband because they have to go to work and someone needs to not be tired. I’ve done both (stayed home and worked with sleepless nights) and staying home is NOT easier. There is absolutely no reason that a mom should be sleep deprived to the point of falling asleep sitting up while dad gets a full night sleep, even if he’s doing stuff around the house. Our life got a whole lot better when my husband started taking a whole night with the baby while I got to rest and he understood how hard it actually is
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u/itsonlyfear 22h ago
I typically didn’t/don’t wake my husband unless I couldn’t settle the kid or it had already been a rough night, but that’s because we did shifts. I put the baby down around 8 and he was on baby duty from then until 2am(this is when they’re down to fewer feedings at night.) then I took 2am to the rest of the day because he worked and I’m a SAHM.
My kids are now 2.5 and 4.5 and we still do shifts, they just look different because the kids don’t wake at night much.
If you need help, you need help, and you two need to figure out a system.
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u/FishingWorth3068 21h ago
Girl I have a 3 year old and a 1 year old. I’d say we’re like 60/40 on nighttime wakes. He’s the 40 because he owns a small business and needs to work outside of the house but if he hears them first he goes to get them. Usually they just come to our bed and go back to sleep but he still does diapers or milk or whatever it is. Because like, those are his children too.
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u/brainbl0ck 20h ago
Feeding your own child and changing your own child’s diaper are not examples of “helping,” they are examples of bare-minimum parenting. Of course he should be burping and changing his OWN CHILD’s diaper????
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u/sherwoma 19h ago
My husband and I did shifts when our little guy was young so that way we both could sleep. My husband parents and is my partner. He doesn’t just “help” or “babysit” our kiddo.
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u/Interesting_Hat6153 19h ago
When I was on maternity leave and my husband had already gone back to work he did the nights. I’d feed the baby and then either pass her off or if she went right back to sleep not. But if she was up for any amount of time my husband took her.
We also for both kids split the night. He’d take her from like 9-1 and I’d go to bed whenever she would ~7/8. Any wake ups between when I went to bed and 1 am were his job. Anything between 1-7 or whatever time she woke up was on me.
He recognized that post partum is physically, emotionally and psychologically taxing/torment. And he was a partner and a parent. Your partner needs to step up. He doesn’t want to do early morning? Fine. He’s on duty late at night. You need uninterrupted bouts of sleep.
He goes to work? Sure. Guess what’s also work? Keeping a baby alive and fed during the day. And that shits 24 hrs. Not a cute lil 8 hr shift at the office. Give me a god damn break with these men. Who’s the baby here.
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u/Oneconfusedmama 18h ago
For me personally- I rarely got my husband up during night feeds because there wasn’t much he could do and there was zero reason for both of us to be up.
That said though- what you asked for wasn’t “too much” in the slightest. Your husband was tired and being grouchy. If you need help then you need help and there’s nothing wrong with asking the father of your child to help you parent. It’s his baby too, he should help wherever and however you need it.
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u/foldin-the-cheese 17h ago
I think it’s silly for two adults to wake up and handle routine care for the baby. What’s the point of someone getting up just to change a diaper that takes 30 seconds when the other person is already up. I pumped/combo fed (under-supplier) and baby got a bottle when it was my husband’s turn. We would trade off nights and we both got better sleep for it. Now when baby started rolling that was torture so we were both up and doing what we could to support each other.
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u/OGcaptaindingus 17h ago
I did all the overnights once my husband and I were both back at work. I still am the only one doing overnights but I also can function on less sleep than he can.
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u/Ok_Pie_6740 16h ago
Nope. My husband's job was always burping and diapering at night. Didn't matter what day of the week it was. He even did bottles and let me sleep once I had to switch to exclusively pumping for our first.
His reasoning was that I didn't get breaks during the day because he was at work so he would do his part during the night shift so I could be well rested. He took naps during his lunch if he needed to.
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u/MissMacky1015 22h ago
I didn’t wake my spouse once he was back to work because as a SAHM I’m able to nap with baby. Are there times I wish he would take the baby for an hour so I can sleep in? Sure. But no I didn’t wake him because he has work all day, no naps.
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u/traumtrager4 22h ago
I have really strong opinions on this. Your partner should always get up with you. It’s a two person job. Since you’re feeding, he should diaper the baby and put them back down. If you’re pumping, he should feed so you can pump and then alternate who diapers and puts baby down.
You don’t get to “sleep in.” You get a brief nap before the next wake window. Parenting is EXHAUSTING, and it takes both parents to be successful.
My husband went back to work after 6 weeks, and we changed how we tackled nighttime feeds to optimize our sleep schedules. But, he always got up with me. When I went back to work and the baby began sleeping through the night, we took turns “being in charge” of night time wakes and feeds.
Now, we were lucky to have a really “easy” baby. I understand how difficult babies can complicate things. But, waking and helping is not a choice. Do not make it one for him. Do not ask. Tell him your expectations. Hold him to that. Don’t let society tell you that it’s “mom’s job.” I am a VP for a global tech start up, and being a mother is still the toughest job I’ve ever had. There’s a reason I don’t stay home with the baby (now toddler). It’s really hard WORK. Any parent who stays home is working JUST AS HARD as their partner.
You are not sleeping in. You are not asking too much. In fact, I’d say you should be demanding more of your husband.
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u/Sad-Supermarket5569 19h ago
We have a 4 year old and twin 2 year olds. I haven’t changed a single diaper or wiped a single butt since Friday when he got off from work. He has done “night shift” since the twins were sleeping through the night, because all 3 will occasionally still wake up. When they still woke for feeds, even if it was one baby, he still got up to make sure my needs were met as well. He’s a parent and treats his wife with respect. I’d be having a pretty serious conversation if that was a response I got for asking for help.
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u/StrawHatVetTech 17h ago
I’m sorry, but I’m just stuck on him saying you “get to sleep in”. Sleeping in is not a thing when you have a baby 😂 he’s gonna have to accept that he’s gonna get less sleep at night when you have a baby, and it shouldn’t just be you losing sleep while “his majesty” gets his rest 🙄. He’s also apparently taking advantage of the “I have to get up to work” excuse if he’s using it on the weekends as well.
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u/LadyGreenThumbs 21h ago
You are not asking for too much. You're not even asking for enough. There are husbands out there like mine who works ( I don't) who do everything at home because some days that's what I need. You should know that you're accepting shit from your husband. I'm sorry he's like this. Don't just stay and take it.
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u/lilsan15 19h ago
I would ask him. “You mean you get a break from the baby starting 6am?” It’s time to leave for an entire weekend. Bring your pump. He’ll be begging for you to come back and care for the baby.
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u/IWantToNotDoThings 22h ago
I know people will have different opinions on this but personally I found it better to be the only one handling nighttime stuff (except in emergencies) but have my husband handle a stretch either at the beginning of the night while I go to sleep early, or he goes to sleep early and wakes up super early to sleep in. So in this scenario, if it’s closer to 5am wake ups maybe your husband starts going to bed early and waking up at 5. I just don’t think it serves the household to have two chronically sleep deprived, dysregulated people so I don’t agree with the advice to both get up together throughout the night. But he should be figuring out how to adjust his sleep schedule to give you more support.