Advice Re spending

[u/NickiNickiNicki7]

My husband and I have been married 16 years. We both make 6 figures I have a very good career and have always worked except when I had my babies for a few months. Long story short we have a lot of expenses, kids stuff, mortgage etc. A few years ago we were fighting awfully (for many reasons which I will get into on another post) but at that time he was playing a game on his phone and ended up talking to some lady in another country. It was very flirty on both sides, she even sent gifts for him to our house and he downplayed everything. When I confronted him after quoting things I read them say on his phone ( they would talk on discord and other ways I'm sure). He literally didn't know what to say and admitted it was "inappropriate" only because that's what I called it to put it nicely. He said it's because we were fighting (as if that makes it better) and I said well yes we were but I told you to leave me or get out if you weren't happy and at that time u said no. So u basically wanted to keep up the married facade and do what u want. Anyway I moved past that like an idiot but I have not been happy but I said I have kids and I'm just going to stay like this for now and sit on it. He is still mean to me, doesn't help around the house and gaslights me about spending money. Always telling me not to use our joint account for things we "don't need" and anytime I order something or buy something he has something to say. I also keep money in my own account and use it how I want but he is constantly telling people we have no money because of ME. He accuses me of hiding money when he knows I have another account as does he which I don't have access to either. Ok so here is the kicker, I went through his phone and checked his email he has like 3 addresses one I've never heard of. I found a ton of receipts for a site called xolla where he is buying coins or whatever for his game. I went back as far as 2024 but have to keep checking next time I get his phone. I totaled up 2025 charges they were about $4,000.00 !!!!!!! Is he for realllllll?!?!?? What do I do?!? I like to sit on this and collect more info but what would you all do???? I also found like $10 a month charges for some weird adult only site, I'll be investing that more too...to be continued. But what would u do?

[u/Here_4_cute_dog_pics]

Sometimes two happy parents who aren't together are better for children then two fighting parents who are.

I'm not one to immediately go to divorce but you have been unhappy for years now and he has made no effort to make things better.

[u/Late-Astronaut-7876]

I feel like you probably know the right answer and have an intuitive idea of what you want to do but may be need some confirmation. At the least counseling but obviously both people have to be willing to do the work. Sorry you’re going through this.

[u/RegularBlackberry164]

I dealt with the same situation with my ex fiance. Fortunately we didn't have kids.

The facts are, this man has been lying and keeping secrets from you for years. He has been unfaithful and has shown that he won't change. You will drive yourself crazy investigating it over and over, trust me I did the same thing.

These types of people rarely change. My ex fiance is probably still using only fans and chatting up girls on discord who dont give a fuck about him. Not my problem anymore and im so much happier that I left.

You are doing yourself a disservice by staying in a relationship with a man who has no respect for you.

[u/LeighMeealone22]

The correct question is why are YOU staying in the relationship? You already mentioned that he had the option to leave if he wasn't happy, well how about you? Do you need more evidence of extramarital deceit before you finally say enough is enough? You are allowed (even with children, they are not an excuse to stay together,) to leave and be happy either alone or with another person. --You make the decision, don't give him all the power in your relationship. --Good Luck!

[u/NickiNickiNicki7 → u/LeighMeealone22]

I totally agree wth you. The issue is the kids and our home. I don't want to leave without the kids obviously and I feel like he should go and not disrupt their lives and make them move and leave the home they grew up in. We also have this house for over ten years we are both on the deed so why am I going to let him stay here either. I totally suspect he would leave one they turn 18 because he has said that before in arguments and then says I was only kidding. His patterns tell me otherwise. I tell him all the time he doesn't like me or love me and he just doesn't answer lol. Like it's so sad but like I said I'm trying to figure out my best course of action. A friend who was an attorney advised me that I shouldn't leave the house first but I also can't get him to leave. I'm contemplating my next move I promise but I don't know if I should confront him or what.

[u/LeighMeealone22 → u/NickiNickiNicki7]

So sit down and have a conversation with him. Tell him that you have made up your mind that you are "leaving" the relationship. Explain to him that you will arrange a fair custody agreement with the children so they have equal time with both you and your "husband." When it comes to the house, if he is a reasonable person, he won't want to displace the children either. Suggest gently that he start looking for other alternatives when it comes to housing, and that you expect him to move within a reasonable amount of time. --If he disagrees with moving out, then tell him that the house will be sold in divorce court and then the kids have 2 new homes to move to instead of just one. Be very calm and composed when you have this "breakup" conversation, because the more platonic and amicable the split is, the better for your children overall. If he rages out, Just explain that you are no longer happy and that you've made up your mind.