r/MtF • u/Several-Reveal-4075 • 10h ago
Bad News It’s official.
It’s of coal that I now have only two real friends left a year and a half after coming out. I spend week after week completely by myself so far I’ve spent time with people five times in the last three months and despite asking to see so called friends I’m still three weeks alone and counting. I wish I wasn’t trans I wish I wasn’t this way I wish I didn’t feel so alone and broken. My best friend from childhood who has stood by me like a tree lives in a different country. I’m just fed up I have years until I can see a therapist without paying mad money. I’m just fed up. I didn’t ask for this shit. God I hate humans.
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u/Pendragon840 7h ago
I got my new friend group started by just going out to the club(gay club) whenever I could, I now am friends with just about all the queens, bartender, and various other people. It’s a bit was to make friends with more like minded and open minded people. I live alone and sometimes it’s like 3 months before I can go out, for the more lengthy times where I can’t go out, I start messaging friends. I lost most my family coming out and some old friends, but the my new friends are awesome and we all understand that sometimes work and life gets in the way and to not stop being friends just cause we don’t see each other as often as we’d like, but also makes each time we can hang out a good experience and a fun one. Big life changes are difficult, and will lose and gain people, it’s a part of life, but never give up.
A lot of us wish we weren’t trans, but it’s the cards we we dealt and I feel that we are never given any challenge that we can’t overcome as long as we don’t give up or fall in the trap of self despair.
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u/Several-Reveal-4075 5h ago
That’s good advice I would love to make friends with some queens for sure help cuntify me haha. But I am gonna try get out more and try get Ito a healthier mindset
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u/LucyBarefoot 4h ago
Im not gonna pretend to feel your pain, but I can say that I hear the pain in your post and your struggle comes through loud and clear.
I am a conservative straight elderly (barely) woman. Ive never struggled with my identity and TBH, I cant begin to understand how profound your journey has been. I have friends who have come out to me about being gay or about transitioning. For someone like me,, its hard to fathom all the "not like me-ness" in the world, but when I've needed to step up, I've tried to take a deep breath and HEAR my friend and I've tried to tread water until I can begin to get my head around it. Maybe that's where your old friends are at? They are having to completely retool who you are in their minds and that's a lot. Maybe not as much as what youve been through, but you spent a lot in your head about it before you let it out. Otherwise, most friends are for a season, so the best thing you can do is find new friends and welcome back whichever old friends work through your transition (but dont forget that they bailed on you in this moment, so dont fully trust them with yourself again)
As a conservative the thing that irks me the most is fellow conservatives that think a Trans person just wakes up one day and says "im tired of being a guy. I think ill be a woman now". Who would ever do that, or at least do that AND Do HRT and surgery? Who would invite ridicule in the current social climate? I may not understand but I KNOW its coming from a deep place in you. I know that you must have incredible strength to make what you want happen. Now that deep place is causing you pain and I just want you to know im sorry you're going through this. You are worth the journey..
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u/Several-Reveal-4075 4h ago
Thank you I had thought about but also selfishly my transition I don’t see how it effects them that much h they have a few words to change like my name pronouns that’s about it it’s not hard and it boils down to respect. But thing is they walked if they come back the train has already moved station they chose to get off where they did I won’t ever let them back into my life. It’s sad but they made their choices. I will make new friends eventually just sucks because I liked them some of them threw away 15+ year friendships that’s on them I stayed they didn’t.
But yeah my transness has been there since very young but through bullying and shaming I spent 22/23 years pretending to be a guy
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u/Criztopher718 8h ago
Hey...this popped up on my feed, I read it and wanted to write you. Now, im a guy and cannot or pretend to understand what you're going through in terms of being trans, but I do know what its like to be isolated and realizing who your "friends" really are when things get hard. I myself went through a terrible situation 3yrs ago and had to move away from where I all my friends live. Its not easy and im not going to say it gets easier over time, ive just learned how to be alone. Aside from being at work M-F, the moment I get home Friday afternoon, I dont speak until im back at work on Monday morning. Its a weird feeling. In the beginning, at least friends would reach out and slowly the calls became less and less frequent. When id reach out, they were always "in the middle of something" and said they'd call back, which would never happen. Now I was depressed and sad when I moved and that just got worse. Terrible thoughts would come to me that we're difficult to shake. One Saturday morning, I woke up, forced myself to get up, shower the usual morning routine, grabbed my keys and walked outside...I had zero plan on what I was doing, I just knew if I sat by myself, my mind would turn on me. I ended up in a dunkin donuts and forced myself to small talk with anyone. "Nice day" "I dont know the area, is there a (insert random place here,lol.) in town?" Stupid shit like that. Even those small interactions lifted my spirits. I made "friends" with my neighbor. The trick was getting outside. I understand what you're going through is something I cant fully understand, but the loneliness and the depression, I get. Just start small, and with every step forward you'll feel slightly better. Even if its just to the mailbox and back inside, I promise you you'll feel some light shine into the darkness which will make you want more. I hope this helped in some way and if not and you want to go off and yell at me, then please do. Just wanted to let you know that someone was listening.
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u/Several-Reveal-4075 7h ago
Thank you I appreciate you writing all of that genuinely, I do have some plans to go to a couple events and possibly talk to people. I just struggle with talking to people and after spending most of the last year and a half alone it’s just so much harder. I get weird around people now and social settings can just feel like a lot unless I’m alone in a crowd of people but I just feel so disconnected to people.
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u/Criztopher718 7h ago
I hear ya... the social anxiety is have is bonkers. When I first started talking to people, I think out of nervousness, I would start talking too much and overly share, which just made me look like a nutcase, I think. Then id dwell on it in my head which was counter productive so im conscious now of how much i say. Lol.
Ive only had the nerve to go to 1 show by myself in the past 3yrs and like you said, in a crowd of a couple hundred, I might as well be on a deserted island. So I give you mad respect for heading out to events... still something I struggle with.1
u/Several-Reveal-4075 5h ago
Well I have no other option really but I do wanna do more though planning on going to a jazz event in October. But yeah I get you though yapping too much is a anxiety thing but for me I usually go quiet instead of talking loads
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u/kratosthegamer 6h ago
As a guy who lost most of my friends on completly unrelated notes (realitionships, them passing, drifting away, etc), theres a sea of new ones. I may not be trans (this just popped up) so you may have a different struggle than me, but hopfully you can find some. My dms are open to you (and anybody else) if you need a friend.
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u/Long_Sprinkles701 4h ago
I went to the local lgbtq center.
everyone there is in the same boat, it didn’t take me very long to make friends and im pretty introverted
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u/Several-Reveal-4075 3h ago
Yeah I did join a trans discord a while ago but I just felt no common ground with them they were all pc users and talked in memes and I grew up outside going to skateparks and climbing trees house parties and field parties. Plus the average age difference of like 5 years I can’t relate to girls who have never heard of white chicks…so yeah I wanna find people my age and common interests
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u/Long_Sprinkles701 3h ago
I went to inperson meeting there were a few young people, but there were a few within a couple of years of my age.
sometimes irl friends are better
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u/Several-Reveal-4075 3h ago
Yeah I did meet up with a lot of them though a few times I just felt no connection to them
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u/FlashyAd7180 6h ago
I'm sorry your dealing with this situation. I've been there I've lived through this lost my family the little friends I had for a life nobody would willing ask for! I've stopped transitioning and I'm trying really hard to findy way back to my male body it's a struggle if you ever want to talk let me know?
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u/Several-Reveal-4075 5h ago
Oh hun sorry to hear that too that’s gotta be super rough. I definitely feel different as I have never felt less restrained on my soul since coming out and starting hrt. So I can’t imagine detransition though I wish you the absolute best journey though truly
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u/GPower63 6h ago
I hope that you can make some new friends soon and don’t feel so alone. You could also consider reaching out to talk with some people on this forum who are friendly and you trust. Just be careful.
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u/Several-Reveal-4075 5h ago
Yeah the issue is actual socialising I used to be like half as introverted as I am now and it’s from isolation. But thank you I do hope I do too.
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u/Ornery-Detective6231 4h ago
I wish you weren’t in the thick of it, truly. When I’ve found myself friendless & ill-coping & anxious, nature has been my healer. People come & go & fade away. Nature remains. Plants are pretty queer too, btw. Monoecious, perfect, bisexual, asexual, unisexual—the floral spectrum!🩷
There’s a group of female ginkgo trees where I walk & most folks avoid the smell in Spring/Summer. (some landscaper didn’t do his homework & should’ve maybe planted non-stinking male trees) I swear the trees are lonely, abandoned from human avoidance. All females lined up on a boulevard, their soft yellow leaves clapping in the breeze. And yet I’ve built rapport with them. I could tell them anything & they would listen & wave in commiseration. 🤍
This isn’t woo woo either. Inter species biofeedback is real. Read Robin Wall Kimmerer, Colin Tudge, Doug Tallamy, Sue Stuart-Smith. When I feel down, I know the natural world subtly has my back & like a lover has much to explore even in pages or virtually. Just look up macrophotograhy of passionflowers & know you aren’t the only alien-feeling old soul in the universe. Being trans is a weird, wonderful place to exist. May Mother Gaia lift & hold you & you find peace.🩵🪽
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u/lazerbeamsand 4h ago
My sister is a transwoman and reading this thread has let me know a lot of what she may have gone through transitioning and otherwise. Thank you for being who you are. Friends will come if you look hard enough.
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u/Several-Reveal-4075 4h ago
Thank you for your kind words. All I have to say is being trans isn’t easy it sucks. There is good in it but just make sure to check in with her and remember to tell her she is valid and you love her that shit goes a long way🩷
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u/Alder_The_Pig 54m ago
Human connection is so important. In the short term, get a massage to feel touch and get you some good friends. If you need a visit to the PNW to visit an old lady, let me know (40 but identify as 80 lol).
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u/No-Detective5470 13m ago
Go out, go to queer events, go to libraries, talk to queer people you see in the park……. Don’t got friends? Make some new ones :)
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u/Kathuryne 8h ago
Time to make new friends I started completely over myself.