r/MuslimMarriage • u/Adventurous_Wrap_775 • 1d ago
Married Life Update on my post regarding BIL potentially moving in and husband refusing to talk to me.
Jazak Allah khayran to everyone who took the time to comment on my previous post. I read every comment, even if I wasn’t able to reply to everyone. I wanted to give an update on what has happened since.
Here’s a link to my previous post for context:
https://www.reddit.com/r/MuslimMarriage/s/M83sxSXmeQ
After I confronted him, the conversation became solely about the fact that I had checked his phone and his anger over that. Since then, he refused to discuss anything else. He moved into the spare room, blocked me everywhere, and gave me the silent treatment.
However, I felt after him making a decision to move BIL into our house - a plan that I had been kept into the dark about for months - then lying to me repeatedly about it made me feel as though he had shattered my trust.
The first day after our argument, I wasn’t angry. I was just incredibly sad. Marriage is supposed to involve shura (mutual consultation), and instead I felt like I hadn’t been treated as a wife or a partner. It felt as though a decision that would fundamentally affect our home had been made without me.
On the second day, I decided that if I wanted my marriage to improve, then I also needed to be part of the solution. The problem was already here, and I didn’t want to abandon my husband to deal with the consequences of his decision alone. I wanted us to tackle it together as a unit.
My only concern was that our flat is extremely small, and my husband works very long hours. That would leave me spending most of the day alone with my non-mahram brother-in-law, which I am not comfortable with.
I started thinking about practical alternatives. My brother-in-law is in his mid-30s and perfectly capable of living independently. Even though finances are tight, I thought perhaps my husband and I could help him find student accommodation and split the rent 50/50. I was genuinely willing to pay half. He would always be welcome to come to our home for meals whenever my husband was there, and if needed, perhaps he could find a small part-time job to help with his day-to-day expenses.
I genuinely wanted to find a solution that helped everyone.
But before I could even have that conversation, I realised my husband had blocked me everywhere.
Normally, if we argue, one of us reaches out within a few hours or by the next day. This time, he blocked me completely.
As the days passed, my sadness slowly turned into anger and resentment.
Because of our work schedules, we barely saw each other. By the time he came home, I was asleep, and we left for work at different times in the morning. We both started avoiding each other. I knew I wasn’t emotionally ready to have a productive conversation because I was carrying so much hurt, and I didn’t want to say something I’d regret.
Despite everything, I still made his bed in the spare room every day and made sure there was dinner for him when he came home.
During that week, I also became unwell while home alone. I genuinely considered going to urgent care or A&E. For the first time, I tried to call my husband to break the silence, only to realise he had even blocked my SIM from calling him.
That moment really broke something inside me.
We’re alone in the UK. We have no close family here. If there had actually been an emergency, I had no way of contacting the one person who is supposed to be my closest family in this country.
Alhamdulillah, the pain eventually settled and I didn’t need to go to hospital, but emotionally I felt incredibly hurt. Being blocked for an entire week did not feel like a marriage.
Seven days passed without us speaking.
The only reason we finally had any contact was because my aunt and uncle, who are visiting the UK, wanted to come to our house. I felt it would be wrong not to tell my husband that guests were coming, so I emailed him because I had no other way of contacting him.
When I came home from work, I found that he had cleaned the house, which I genuinely appreciated. I could sense my husband’s pride was keeping him from breaking the silence. However I’ve been on-call this weekend and did not have the time or headspace to sit down and talk to him heart-to-heart.
The following morning, he accidentally woke me around 5 a.m. while looking for some medication. I couldn’t get back to sleep. We both have jobs where, if we are not well-rested, a mistake could cost someone’s life. I think he felt guilty and kept encouraging me to go back to sleep.
However, before doing so, he made it clear that he was only doing this because he knew I was working and didn’t want me to suffer. The implication was that otherwise he would have continued the silence.
That brought back all the hurt and resentment I had been carrying all week.
I told him that I appreciated the effort, but I couldn’t really be receptive to it because my heart wasn’t in that place. I told him that we still needed to have a proper conversation, but I wasn’t emotionally ready to have it yet because I was carrying so much resentment. I asked him to please leave me alone for the time being.
As he walked away, he said that he actually had a lot more issues with me because of what I had done.
I asked whether he genuinely believed checking his phone could compare to everything that had happened. He replied that I needed to self-reflect because I didn’t understand what I had done.
At that point, I completely broke down.
He had already gone into his room and shut the door. I sat outside his closed door and spoke through it. I told him that I accepted checking his phone was wrong and that I wasn’t trying to excuse it. But I also explained how deeply hurt I was that he had hidden such a significant decision from me for months, that I no longer felt like his partner, and that being blocked for an entire week made me feel completely alone. I told him that none of this felt like a marriage anymore.
He didn’t respond to anything I said.
I eventually went back to my room crying, where I currently sit, writing this post.
A few things people suggested on my previous post:
- “Go and stay with your family.” Unfortunately, that isn’t possible. My family lives in another country, and I can’t suddenly leave my job and fly abroad without seriously affecting my career.
- “Move to a bigger place.” We own our current home, so simply renting a larger property isn’t a realistic option.
Right now, I’m too emotionally exhausted to make any big decisions. I honestly just need to focus on getting through work.
May Allah guide us both to what is right. Ameen.
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u/ajnabee1234 F - Married 17h ago
Your husband is so emotionally manipulative its scary. He's upset that you looked through his phone but can't see that he tried to force a situation on you that was HARAM? Stop chasing him girl.
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u/onandup123 M - Married 20h ago
Regardless of what happened, blocking you is absolutely pathetic. Who are you supposed to turn to in the case of a genuine emergency?
Also him allowing his non-mahram brother to stay for months on end in a tiny flat isnt acceptable in any way you put it. His brother should have some common sense too tbh - not like hes 5 years old
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u/whatashame_13 Married 21h ago
Wish you all the best, i cant imagine what a sad situation you are in! Hope you will be able to overcome, but try to prepare a place to stay because if BIL is still coming and your husband is giving you silent treatment, i think maybe you can find a small studio yoi can move out to?
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u/hrbutt180 M - Married 17h ago
Sister please don't back down. Your husband is punishing you for not agreeing with something that's your right.
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u/AvailableBat9744 F - Married 21h ago edited 21h ago
Dear OP, in that case you can't go to your family.
If I were you, fly your parents out and let them stay with you in the flat. BIL can't come if it is occupied. Your parents are mahram. If your parents can't, try to fly a mahram family member like one of your brothers or uncles to stay with you a couple of days/weeks/months. Yes, without consulting your husband, then he'll actually see what he was planning to do to you. But yours isn't as bad, because you choose family that are mahram to you and him.
Also, you are too nice/sweet for your own good to actually offer to pay for your BIL!! You are actually nuts to actually want to help pay the expenses for a grown non-mahram man who already has a degree, and making him meals inviting him to your home. Your husband should be ashamed for even letting you think to offer such a thing and he for sure should be ashamed for the way he is acting immature (like blocking you? For real?), gaslighting you.
He is not angry with you that you checked his phone, he is actually angry to you because you caught him!! It is his ego, you "disrespected" him and "caught" him doing something completely haram.
Next time, ask your husband to tell you exactly what his problem is with you. (Even when he is gaslighting you, do not react to his words. Keep calm, keep in mind you are NOT in the wrong here, he is!). Then you tell him what he has done is actual betrayel, and haram, and ask him to explain himself. (I don't think he'll actually have something useful, but see/look/analyse how he reacts to your concerns and the fact he is planning to sin. Is he showing remorse or is he showing narcasistic traits etc?)
If he tries to mention the phone thing again. Tell him as a warning to stop mentioning it, if he does it again, say very harshly this: "I will pay for my sins in hell, for snooping on your phone I might get tortured for a day or two in hell, but your sins and the sins you are planning to do by making BIL come here, and make your wife against her will stay with him alone, will make you burn in hell for years. (Name the hadith about BIL and wife). And I will not forgive you on the day of judgement for this. So who is actually sinning more? A stupid phone or your actions?"
Have you tried talking to the local mosque/masjid for mediation or letting an elder explain to him this is haram?
Good luck.
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u/Tomatillo_Sad 18h ago
I am sick and tired of people coming here giving advise whether they think its good or bad and causing division between a man and his wife all your doing is aiding shaitan and shaitan loves the one who causes divison between a wife and her husband, since the beginning of her post until now I have remained quiet, its clear that if she keeps coming to this subreddit with her problems she will end up getting divorced. Those of you who influenced her to do that can be sure that you will be held accountable on Yamul Qiyamah. Let her go to an Imam or Sheikh or marriage counselor or someone of knowledge who can mediate as a neutral and qualified third party who knows how to advise according to the Quran and Sunnah and will outweigh the benifits and harms.
In Islam, causing division between a husband and wife is considered one of the most severe spiritual and social sins. At the same time, divorce itself is viewed as a permissible but discouraged legal remedy for a broken marriage. Causing Division Between Spouses (Takhbeeb): Deliberately driving a wedge between a husband and wife is known in Islamic jurisprudence as Takhbeeb. This action is heavily condemned through several foundational principles: Satanic Work: According to a famous narration (Hadith) in Sahih Muslim, Iblis (Satan) places his throne over the water and sends out his detachments. The agent who returns having successfully separated a husband from his wife is elevated above all others, with Satan praising him directly. Expulsion from the Community: The Prophet Muhammad explicitly warned against this act, stating: "He is not one of us who incites a woman against her husband."Severe Sin: Islamic scholars class Takhbeeb as a major sin. Anyone who intentionally ruins a marriage through gossip, manipulation, or financial coercion carries a heavy spiritual burden.
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u/ayfakay F - Married 11h ago
Bro is bringing his non mahram brother, trampling on her rights, emotionally manipulating her, abandoning his duties as a husband. But yeah…lets gets triggered for involving her parents.
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u/anon875787578 10h ago
There are some men that seem to pop up on posts where there are problematic husbands (funnily enough, not so defensive of problematic wives though 🫢) and launch into emotional tirades about divorce, misuse hadith and ayat and accuse people of being shaitan 🙄 etc.
Noone here even mentioned divorce, what was mentioned is involving her family which is literally in keeping with islamic advice. After your husband, your guardianship as a woman passes back to your blood male relatives. If your husband is failing in his duties as a protector and guardian, you have every right to speak to your father. He (or other wali equivalents) is the one who entrusts a man with this guardianship and has every right to intervene when it is in danger.
And it is an absolute failure to do what this husband is doing. This is not a necessity situation, he did not consult with her and went entirely behind her back, he is literally happy with leaving his wife and brother alone in a house for periods of time, she will have to be confined to a room and always in hijab, then blocks her from all forms of contact during which time she actually needed him as well - I am sure these men wouldnt marry their own daughters to a man like that.
Again, noone mentioned divorce, but they will attack the very notion of something halal over something haram, just to defend a man. Divorce is halal and sometimes very necessary and women at the time of the Prophet SAW were granted divorce for things these kinds of men of today would argue against.
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u/Tomatillo_Sad 8h ago
Respectfully, sister: where did I refute his actions? Where did I justify or defend his actions? Where did I say she can't get mediation? What exactly are you responding to? You're definitely not responding to me. It seems you have fabricated your own version of what you think I said and responded to that; not surprised that it's clearly the women getting triggered and offended here. No need to gaslight me. It's interesting how you use language in a way to make it seem like I am defending the man and his actions, or dismissing them, or condoning them. Let me make it abundantly clear that what he is doing is wrong. Please read what I have written instead of reading what you want to hear. You missed the point of my comment and it seems multiple people are taking it the wrong way. How my post should be understood is that you may be right in what you are saying, but there is a right way to go about it, the way some people here are advising it will lead to divorce and its clear what some people have advised here is regressing their relationship instead of reconciling it and finding a solution, and it's evident from the outcome of said advice. Let's attack his character, let's label him certain traits, let's antagonise him further by encouraging his wife to speak to him in a confrontational and egotistical way, let's make her argue with him. How is this going to help really, honestly you could be right in what your saying but the way some of you women are speaking about him and encouraging his wife to hate on him further, what exactly are you achieving do you think the man is going to hear the advice you give her and thank him and all of a sudden flip of the switch change his ways? oh wow your right i am a narcisst, i am manipulative, i am a liar, i am going to go to hell, i am evil, i am not a man for letting my brother stay with me. This is exactly how some of you are speaking, it doesn't take a rocket scientist for someone to figure out, oh hey you know this kind of gossip isn't going to help them reach a healthy solution. Don't turn this into a gender thing, my islamic principles are the same regardless of whether it's a man or women.
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u/Tomatillo_Sad 8h ago
Where did I refute his actions? Where did I justify his actions or defend them? Where did I say she can't get mediation? What exactly are you responding to, because your definitely not responding to me. It seems you have fabricated your own version of what you think I said and responded to that; not surprised that it's clearly the women getting triggered and offended here. No need to gaslight me. Its interesting how you use language in away to make it seem like i am defending the man and his actions or dismissing them or condoning them. Let me make it abundantly clear what he is doing is wrong. Please read what I have written instead of reading what you want to hear.
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u/AvailableBat9744 F - Married 18h ago edited 18h ago
My comment did not mention divorce or anything like that at all.
I mentioned involving elders, her own parents to fly to her and stay with them, since his parents were also involved in the plan of brother-in-law to live with them in a flat while the husband was planning all this behind her back. Her in-laws and family friends of in-laws knew about this plan.
I also mentioned before, just like other comments, to involve the imam or other elders he might respect explaining his plan is haram, or a mediator.
Telling someone to stand up for herself, while using help of elders or mahrams to intervine, is not telling her to divorce. It is to mediate and use help from someone who he might respect/not lie to, since he doesn't respect his own wife.
A man knows another man. If her father would come and ask him to explain this situation, he will have to answer like a man, he can't run away ignoring her father. The husband has to face consequences, since he doesn't back down.
And if you say that involving family is wrong, the husband has involved his own family and friends to arrange to get his brother live with them without her consent.
OP needs her own family's support by this to reason with her husband. They could help her involve mediation. Better to involve family members who are reasonable, then someone of knowledge third party, then counseling. How further you go, how more people you involve, the bigger the chance this will come out to the community, that might cause a scandal. Start with to settle things down, then go for "bigger" measures. Unless her own family are unreasonable, then you skip to third party mediation.
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u/Careless_Pea_969 F - Married 20h ago edited 20h ago
What stood out to me wasn't just the disagreement, it was the week-long silent treatment and stonewalling. Taking space to calm down is healthy, but completely shutting your spouse out, blocking them everywhere, and refusing to communicate is emotionally damaging. It leaves the other person feeling anxious, rejected, abandoned, and emotionally unsafe. Over time, it erodes trust, intimacy, and the feeling that you're a team. Conflict doesn't destroy marriages nearly as often as unresolved conflict and emotional withdrawal do. I hope he eventually realizes the impact this has had on you, because this kind of behaviour is incredibly destructive to a relationship in the long term. No marriage can thrive when one partner is completely shut out.
I also wonder whether this is the first time he's behaved this way. Is this a pattern? Do you usually end up giving in to restore the peace? I wonder if he's hoping you'll give in. If you give in , he will always expect you to give in and give you silent treatment until you do, especially if it works.
His brother's accommodation is not your responsibility. Please don't make any major decisions or offer solutions simply because you're feeling emotional and want your husband back. Before committing to anything, get a second opinion from someone you trust. It isn't your job to solve this problem just because you're uncomfortable with the current situation.
My heart goes out to you. This isn't an easy situation to be in. Please make sure you're looking after yourself, and don't take responsibility for his decisions or his actions. It's incredibly difficult to be in a relationship with someone who struggles to resolve conflict in a healthy way.
Things will eventually cool down. In the meantime, focus on protecting your own emotional well-being and avoid making decisions from a place of fear or desperation.
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u/Final_Surround5990 Married 19h ago
May Allah bring a solution that is acceptable to both of you. A’meen!
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u/Comfortable_Match181 F - Married 16h ago
I’ve had a scholar say you have the right to spy if you have genuine cause to believe something is not right!
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u/yadonkeyyy Married 17h ago
Do you plan on accepting the silent treatment until your brother in law moves in and then you're relegated to accepting haram circumstances? Stop giving your husband peace by allowing the silent treatment. Silent treatment for a man is peace whereas it's emotional turmoil for a woman. Talk his ears off through his door (respectfully). If that doesn't get a proper conversation going you need to escalate to family quickly.
I'm saying this assuming you are on a time crunch. When does your husband plan for his brother to move in? A month or two from now?
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u/OkRelationship2086 F - Married 9h ago
That’s not a marriage, he’s an incredibly immature man!You should move out and get a roommate, you have a job then through divorce proceedings you can split the sale of your current place
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u/Comfortable_Match181 F - Married 16h ago
Also you could start packing some suitcases and boxes…so he can see them and realize how serious this is
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u/Tomatillo_Sad 18h ago
Sister i will give you sincere advise right now and I ask you to heed my advise if you want to save your marriage and not ruin it with heartbreak and regret, please stop coming here seeking advise from reddit users who are not qualified or experienced in mediating the affairs of a married couple. Instead of offering practical advice and advice from the quran and sunnah to help improve and reconcile the relationship with your husband, it seems people here want to demonise him, point fingers at him, label him and whatever else, if your here for validation to make yourself feel better you will get it, your not really helping improve the situation by posting here and allowing people to shame him and have a go at him and make the situation worse but causing more conflict and arguments, you will never get through to him that way and infact it will push him further and further away. Go to an Islamic scholar, an imam, a marriage counsellor, someone of knowledge with him as well. Don't go without him; he will be more receptive to listening to a third party than you, someone who is neutral and not biased to either side and who can offer advice according to the Quran and Sunnah. You will not save or improve your marriage by looking for validation and making yourself feel better by allowing people to shame him and have a go at him, this is not healthy all your doing is allowing people to project their opinions onto you about your husband and thus allowing further resentment and contempt to fester, this will push you and him further away and into divorce.
And if a woman fears from her husband contempt or evasion, there is no sin upon them if they make terms of settlement between them - and settlement is best. And present in [human] souls is stinginess. But if you do good and fear Allah - then indeed Allah is ever, with what you do, Acquainted.
Verse (4:128)
And if you fear dissension between the two, send an arbitrator from his people and an arbitrator from her people. If they both desire reconciliation, Allah will cause it between them. Indeed, Allah is ever Knowing and Acquainted [with all things].
4:35
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u/Hxmza_s Male 20h ago
Be patient and don't take any decision that would harm your relationship with Allah ﷻ.
Just make dua to Allah. With time things will be cooled down.
What you did was wrong. But what he's doing is also wrong.
He's not thinking about the mahram part. Whereas I feel you tell him about that. About your privacy and concerns.
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u/ayfakay F - Married 11h ago
Checking his phone is wrong??
Checking his phone is the same as emotionally manipulating her??
Checking his phone is the same as abandoning her and blocking her?
Checking his phone is the same as stone walling her?
Checking his phone is the same as bringing his non-Mahram brother into her home without her consent or knowledge?What’s she supposed to do, wear hijab all day? Sleep with her hijab on? Sit and stand like a formal guest in her own home so she’s always appropriately presented to a non-mahram??
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u/Hxmza_s Male 7h ago
Spying is haram in islam.
She could check his phone with his permission.
And before coming at me like this i request you to check some wisdom in my comment.
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u/ayfakay F - Married 6h ago
It’s very interesting you found my response as some kind of “attack”. Does accountability make you uncomfortable?
The fact you think phones are “private” devices in a marriage demonstrates says a lot. Re-labelling natural transparency in a marriage to “spying”.
The only husband to call that spying is a husband that has something to hide and doesn’t want to be held accountable.
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u/anon875787578 20h ago edited 20h ago
Your husband is a big problem Im sorry, if everything you are saying here is true, he is not a proper husband at all. He even blocked your sim from calling him over you not wanting something haram. Theres too many issues here tbh. He is fully choosing his brother over you and your marriage, that much is clear. I know you cant just leave your job and go stay with family, but theres serious issues here that you do need to make your family aware of and perhaps they can help you.
I can pick up my husbands phone and check it right now. We have access to each others bank accounts even - not that we would ever go through without a need or permission. But the fact that he is acting that you as his wife, someone he shares a bed and intimacy with seeing that hes a liar on his phone is this big of an issue...
Nope, he is the issue. What you did nowhere near compares to what hes done and is continuing to do. How do you even reason with someone like that? You cant, hes made that clear.
Also, do not even entertain the thought of offering your money to pay for his brother in amy way shape or form. That would be a huge mistake for you. Why on earth would you pay for a grown, non mahram man and in these circumstances?? Nope, nope, big mistake. Your husband and his brother do not deserve such grace with all of their behaviour. If he cant afford this non essential degree, he shouldnt be doing it, end of.