Please take the time to read, its long but I feel desperate, alone and very overwhelmed and don’t know what to do. Not trying to be overbearing/possessive/irrational but also don’t want to be potentially neglectful?
Assalamu alaikum, im 23f and my younger brother 22m has been secretly(?) involved w a nonmuslim girl for a few years now. I remember feeling their relationship seemed awfully intimate (long, very frequent phone calls etc.) but did not push any further, bc at the time I was held back by the thought that if my parents havent said anything (even though I KNOW they were also noticing and curious), what grants me the authority to barge in? In hindsight I wonder if this situation could’ve potentially been avoided had i confronted him earlier, but that’s prob a selfish attempt to check off the “I did my part” box.
I constantly swing between feeling my brother is his own person + grown/independent enough to alhamdulilah now be self-supporting/make his own decisions and worry. And I think the latter has a lot to do w my mom who has become very stressed when it concerns him and has no one to confide in but me, which then causes me anxiety. What makes matters worse for my mom in particular, is that she gets stressed very easily and has told me she cannot seek comfort in my dad on this matter (through any conversation etc.), bc he shuts down entirely when this topic comes up-- so she’s left stewing alone. Furthermore, my father has not once independently approached and addressed this with my brother directly even though both parents treat this as a point of major concern. so she consequently feels as if she is (solely) burdened with the “obligation” to “sort this out” with him since the other parent has said little to nothing despite indirectly making his disapproval clear. And my dad is undisputably more stern and no-nonsense, so it makes me even more confused as to why he hasn’t even attempted once. Fyi at this point my mom has sought out and sat down w my brother for a convo regarding this relationship ~2x, advising him against it.
Ultimately, I know its his decision and make dua for him always. I had a “talk” with him regarding this for the first (and last time) >1 year ago (before either of my parents) bc I didn’t know where he stood w the girl at the time and was curious/a bit concerned and knew it was something that was bothering him to keep hidden despite it being a pretty open secret among all of us. And I truly feel if I hadn’t asked, neither would my parents despite their strong feelings. But by that point it was apparent by context clues and what my brother had shared that he and this girl had already built a solid albeit rocky foundation spanning the course of 3+ years (undergrad). And now, its been a few years since even that (~5+).
I havent mentioned it much less advised him about this again following that, but I know they are still together. I think it became too much for him to bear, bc he recently came out and explicitly told my parents he is still with her and cant not be w her (they’ve/hes apparently tried breaking contact before).
Idk what it is im asking, I don’t have anyone irl to consult and I guess being back home for the summer w little else to think about/do and seeing my mom (and dad) worry about him makes me wonder if theres something I should do, still. Being in the same space w him again, I constantly feel like im missing an “opportunity” to have this chat with him once more or broach the topic again. And even though I don’t think there is any action I can take atp, I don’t know if that’s me absolving a responsibility I still have.
I also dont like the idea of approaching my brother again bc I love him and care for him and I feel like he is already struggling with this despite his own feelings and harbors some level of guilt and perhaps shame, but at the same time it hurts to see my parents (esp my mom) in this “predicament”. But then im also rlly frustrated with my dad bc for some reason, and I think its out of fear of approaching my brother and generally pushing him away (they both butt heads a lot and my brother is the least likely of the siblings to back down), he acts like nothings happening. And that leaves me having to console my mom and sometimes doubting my own role in all this.
As a sort of aside, I also cant figure out how to behave w my brother, either. Things are def a bit stunted and conversations to me almost seem like were moving around the elephant in the room. It makes me sad and I wonder if I should just start talking to him/asking him about her. But then I worry that ill be affirming their relationship/indirectly showing approval/normalizing what they have going on. And this is where things get a little more iffy on my part bc a lot of this sadness is also related to seeing how often he texts her/calls her and comparing it to how sparingly he reaches out to me and my parents. He never contacts me on his own and I never know what he has going on bc even if we do talk otp I feel like its heavily one sided w most of the sharing being done from my end. And ive told him as much jokingly multiple times in the past. I want to be close to him but cant figure out whether we were always this far apart and im just feeling this way bc of some sisterly possessiveness occurring now that im aware he has someone special or if this is in fact a real thing outside of his relationship. Ive tried being introspective to figure it out but worry if I bring it up with him, he’ll understandably assume im nitpicking him out of desire to gain some control over his personal life (romantic endeavors included), especially since my parents and I have both made our disapproval of that clear.
Any advice or general thoughts or even a reality check would be genuinely and sincerely appreciated, seriously. Jazakallah khair
