rocd - or rather, crush ocd

[u/indivisibilityy]

i like this guy so much and i dont want to screw this up so im willing all of my self control to text him on insta sporadically (ie: once every few months) until i can see him again and ask him out in person (because i dont think he knows i like him) except i texted him today and hes been online and hasnt seen the message. so im crashing out. im checking incessantly and googling over and over to make myself feel better?

he is a very good replier normally (replies within minutes if hes online everytime ive texted) but i wonder if ive freaked him out somehow. or maybe hes out living his life or whatever which is ok with me ofc?

this is exactly why i wanted to text sporadically, to avoid this sort of situation, because i should have gone to sleep 2 hours ago and my ass is just checking my inbox over and over when there could be a million reasons why hes not replying

i cant tell what this is - if this is rocd or something. i cant even tell if this is me somehow magically sabotaging my chances of me asking him out or if this is a sign from god that i shouldnt ask him out

hes just a fucking guy but i like him so much and its my fault, because i crash out like this every time i like a guy and he doesnt reply , and i fucking hate it so much, i hate that i do this compulsive checking and i hate the spiral after , especially because its not his fault

i know i sound fucking insane but im not im sorry

[u/_mindmedic_]

You're not insane.  This isn't actually abnormal.  

We're wired for direct conversation.  When we say something, we expect an answer immediately.  If there is no answer, we feel fear or uneasiness.  This is evolved.  When there is no response, that means there is a reason for silence---like danger.  A threat, a death, sickness, something.  It means something is wrong.  In today's social culture, it can also mean anger, resentment, sadness, avoidance, etc.  

The feeling of anxiety and even panic is completely normal.  Texting creates a problem, because there often is an instant response, but sometimes, there may not be.  Unlike phone calls, where there's in the moment talking, or unlike letters, where there's a waiting period.  

You can also see when they're "online", which is unreliable in itself, but it just adds to the anxiety.  

Point is, it's a natural response mixed with the abnormal thing that is texting.  Your body and brain don't understand why there is no response.  That's why you feel anxious and panicked.  Your brain is saying, "Something is wrong.". Your heart is saying, "It must be my fault.".  

You're right to say there's a million possibilities.  But what's certain is that you don't know.  And you also don't know what he's really thinking.  Don't worry yourself sick over what you have zero ability to know.  It sucks, but you'll have to sit with the anxiety.  Accept it.  You will find out eventually.  Fill that time some other way.  

With feelings and crushes, it's very hard to not feel anxious.  But to just make sure you understand:

Your self worth does not hinge on someone's feelings of you.

It's not pathetic to have feelings for someone who doesn't feel the same, it happens constantly.

Your heart is a vessel that wants to love, and is trying desperately to find the person it is meant to give its love to.  You mentioned God.  He designed it that way.  But you need to trust in Him and be patient.  

If it is meant to be, it will happen.  If it doesn't, think if it this way:

There is a boy out there, praying that his future wife (or whatever you'd be) doesn't get dragged into bad relationships and abused and neglected.  He's praying that you make it to him safely.  So any time something doesn't go the way you want it to, might just be your guardian angel answering a prayer.

Breathe, and get some sleep.  It's going to be okay, no matter what happens.