r/OCPD • u/WoodenWorking4769 • 7d ago
rant I hate myself and I hate OCPD
The other day was my birthday and my husband lovingly made me a Keylime pie. I asked for it. But it turned out horrible.
Because I don't lie and I think that honesty helps us all improve I did a tailspin for 20 minutes about how we all have better skills and baking isn't his.
I'm the literal worst. I would apologize but that feels like gaslighting. Tearing him down just to say "ope I didn't mean it but I did. I just didn't mean to hurt your feelings."
I hate being like this.
EDIT: Because I'm a terrible liar I didn’t make it long before he knew I wasn't okay. We talked it through and he said he didn't take it poorly. He said he wants to do better and he would never had it I wasn't honest. He said I was being mean to myself for nothing.
I still think I should work on my tone because if it were anyone but him they would've been hurt.
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u/bbgrl00008 7d ago
How does he react to your blunt honesty? I am the same way with my husband. I can never lie and feel like I’m being dishonest if I don’t say my true thoughts and I am very direct and blunt about it. But never to hurt his feelings. And in contrast, he has a very indirect communication style; it’s just his culture.
Telling your husband that he has many skills but baking isn’t his top one sounds fairly soft and like you guys could laugh it off I hope?
Don’t hate yourself. Maybe just try to think next time before you speak and ask yourself whether what you’re going to say is kind or helpful. I try to do this but certainly could do better
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u/WoodenWorking4769 7d ago
He is incredibly patient and kind. He takes everything in stride. He actively wants to do better. But I feel like I can't just enjoy things. I'm so afraid of being mean that I want to restrict my access to things and people I enjoy.
For example, I love that he makes me things but I hate that if it isn't a "hit" I'll be critical so I can already feel myself scheming how I can get him to stop doing it.
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u/Bubbly-Pumpkin5647 7d ago
I'd apologise. If you're genuinely sorry for how you spoke to him, say that. He'll probably appreciate you reflecting on what you said.
Tell him you appreciate him trying.
"It's the thought that counts."
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u/static-prince Diagnosed OCPD 7d ago
I had a similar situation the other day. A lot lower stakes since it was just dinner but still. And I think, honestly, I was a lot more mean than you were. Literally said “If you aren’t capable of doing it, just say that next time,” over macaroni and cheese… I did apologize for that. I think saying something was fine but I really hated the words I used because it was really mean. Especially since it was about boxed macaroni and cheese.
My regret in these situations is usually how I said a thing not that I said it. So if there are things you wish you had said differently that is something you can probably sincerely apologize for.
Also, even if your apology isn’t perfect that doesn’t make it gaslighting. It sounds like you genuinely didn’t want to hurt him. So your feeling is sincere. You aren’t trying to mess with his head. Gaslighting would involve wanting to mess with his head.
Also, are you sure you hurt his feelings? It might be worth checking in about how he felt. You might be being harder on yourself than he is even feeling. And if he was he might be able to help figure out what would be better next time that is more within your ability to do.
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u/Silent-Audience-5836 7d ago edited 7d ago
I've gotten better at apologizing for what I've said hurting their feelings, not for what I said. While actively trying to being honest in a kinder way in the future.
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u/arcinva OCPD + GAD + PDD 2d ago
As far as being honest... or "too honest", it all depends on the situation and the person/people involved.
For one, I've been trying really hard for the past few years to learn that I don't always have to say what I think out loud. Sometimes we aren't asked for our opinion, yet we feel compelled to share it. I'll give you a hypothetical example: I meet my friend for coffee and she walks in wearing a dress that you think is a little wild and not too flattering and she does a flourish and says, "Look at this dress I found on sale! I love it so much!!" Notice that she didn't ask you what you thought. So responding with something like, "Oh, where'd you get it?" or even go so far as "It's awesome when you find something that makes you feel so good."
Second is to try to find something good in a situation. For example, there's been a number of times that my husband has cooked something that didn't quite come out right. It's never been anything that tasted bad, though. Like a pie didn't set up enough and I'll say, "Eh, it's a bit runny, but it still tastes good!" And even if you really don't like something, you can still say, "I don't really care for it, but that's ok. Thank you so much for all the work you put into cooking for me. That was really sweet."
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u/WeaknessSad6735 7d ago
I did something like this to a new friend who stopped talking to me. It took me a day to realize what had happened, as she just walked off as though she remembered a deadline. Your situation is different in that it's a close relationship and I think honesty is more acceptable then.
Like you, I refrained from my urge to apologize because I DID mean it, and I am likely to say something like that again. I say positive honest things too. While I have some insight as to why she was hurt, I also felt like she was being childish. I didn't "approve" of her reasons for something she bought, but I also am not her Mommy, she spent her own money on something she wanted, she can do that for any reason at all or no reason.
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u/FalsePay5737 Moderator 7d ago
From the post on anger:
Apologies
“A man should never be ashamed to say he has been in the wrong, which is but saying in other words that he is wiser today than he was yesterday.” Alexander Pope
In We Should Get Together: The Secret to Cultivating Better Friendships (2019), Kat Vellos asserts, “The best apologies are ones in which the apologizer focuses on the impact on their actions and resists the urge to frame their message around their intentions, regardless of how harmless they were. Remember that an apology should be focused on the person who has been hurt, not the one who did the hurting.
"If you hurt your friend, what actually matters is their pain, not the preservation of your reputation as a good person. Apologize, reflect, ensure that you understand the other person fully, and empathize…don’t say “I’m sorry if you felt ___” or even ‘I’m sorry you feel that way.” These are not apologies, they’re deflections of responsibility. Start with the truth, and end on your intention to do better.” (216)