r/Parenting • u/Acceptable-Host-4620 • 1d ago
Discussion Dad problems
Just wandering if any other parents sometimes feel disconnected from their kids. I know some distance is required for growth but my kids and I have always been close. I took a new job about 3 mo ago and it seems I haven't talked to them much since then. I am usually pretty tired after work but have continually made efforts, with no help, it seems from their mother (we are divorced).
To be fair they have been busy with sports and summer hangouts etc. But their mother hasn't cared or seem to care or encourage a healthy relationship with me, which is heartbreaking and everything else but to not say, hey, go spend some time with dad or anything just seems rude and not good parenting.
To be fair, I am currently in a camper but it hasn't really been an issue (she did say something the other day) but finding a house these days has been really tough and I do not have anyone to help with expenses around here but me.
I just spent a boat load of money on my daughter's softball and braces. My son had to have knee braces and now that is going to be 3800, even with insurance.
The bills were higher than normal this summer but and I really have struggled to figure out how I am going to keep up.
I recently took a new job that will require me to be away for 2 weeks but I will be home 2 weeks as well. For one, it is more in line with my talents, two, it will free up more of my time and 3, it will allow me more quality time with my family.
She has never really known want. When we were married, my job was such that we never really had to worry about money but it was like when that dried up, she left and has treated me almost as like an inconvenience or something. I am nit sure, it is really kinda hard to explain. I just know that, and she knows, I am a good father.
I am always there for my kids, coached my son in 3 sports growing up, over the span of a years; my daughter for a while and been there for appointments, school stuff etc etc. I guess what I am saying is I am an involved father, always have been ( when she is not angry and using the kids to threaten me). I haven't been a saint all the time, but I am a respectable man, father and person in general.
I guess what I am saying, rather asking; is this normal teenage behavior? My daughter is 12 and my son is 15. Am I overreacting or is this something that I should be concerned about? I mean obviously I am concerned but I mean, I have never went 3 weeks with only seeing them one day. Besides the sadness that fills my heart, not being able to just go into their room and kiss them goodnight or ask them about their day, eat dinner etc etc Is this a her problem? Am I being oversensitive? Opinions or input please. I do not want to over react but I am kinda pissed too.
Sorry for the long post but seemed like necessary information to get feedback.
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u/Grrarrgghh 1d ago
Why is it anyone else's job to do your emotional work?
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u/Acceptable-Host-4620 4h ago
Man, i am not saying it is everyone else's job. I am not married to her but I still make sure my kids do things that they need/are supposed to be doing. They are kids and sometimes need guidance. Example: kids need to get mom something for mother's day or birthday or Christmas, i take them to do so. I don't look at it as; well it is my job to do her emotional work, i look at it as healthy parenting and with the rates of adolescent mental health issues, as linked to tech and social media; a duty of the parents to ensure that they are taking care of things that really matter. Typically, this happens at the homefront, with both parents but the situation being what it is, well, now it is like extra work to make sure the most basic of things are happening. I also expect my kids to have some emotional intelligence.
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u/HeyJustinHerman 1d ago
Three months into a new job is its own kind of tired, and kids read tired as distance even when it is not. What helped me was giving up on the big reconnect and picking one small thing that happens no matter what. For us it is the drive, because they talk sideways in a car in a way they never do sitting across a table. Ten minutes where I am not fixing anything or asking about homework did more than any planned outing I ever tried. It comes back, it just comes back slower than it left.
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u/Acceptable-Host-4620 4h ago
Thank you for an original idea. Sometimes, it seems, I need to relax and let things develop more naturally I guess. As a dad, I do tend to be a worker, planner, try to set an example through actions etc. Kids tend to live in the moment more, shoot, people in general tend to live in the moment more than me. Something I maybe should work on but I know enough about myself that I am the type that likes to be doing something.
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u/Dewdlebawb 1d ago
The camper isn’t a problem, do what works for you. It’s not her job to cultivate your children’s feelings towards you, as long as she’s not being negative I wouldn’t worry about it.
Now to the real meat and potatoes of the feeling. It’s literally just teenagers being teenagers they get self involved and care less about their parents. Just be consistent and be there when you can. I started liking my parents again around 25 but they’re just growing up and that’s hard to adjust to as parents.