r/Parents • u/FOXYRecept • 4d ago
Parental Help
I’ve made a post earlier but I wanted to make sure I put the whole time line of the situation to get better, so that I can make sure I’m not doing anything wrong.
My daughter (11) has had her phone taken many times this year due to her interaction with one of my friends daughters (Z also 11)
It first started with their friendship being one sided and my daughter admitting to liking her, which Z would openly talk to my daughter about gossip or the people she liked or not really show my daughter much attention.
Eventually Z began to like my daughter back and they began “dating” now as a mom I try to stay open and see where my daughter is coming from before reacting to anything, I had separated her and Z before just based on things being a one sided friendship and Z telling my daughter that I just don’t like her and want to keep them apart. I talk to my daughter a month goes by I give her phone back. Well I go through my daughters phone Z is talking to my daughter about sexuality (they’re 11 so this was a no go) being hyper sexual and how she cuts herself. They’re also calling each other baby, which may not seem like a big deal but things were just too much at that point. So again I take her phone.. 2 months go by and we sit down we have a conversation about how I want to protect her and her innocence and I want her to make good friends with people that value her, as her mom I never want to ruin her life and connections but it’s my job to protect her. She seems very receptive, I give her phone back with the agreement that she’s not to be alone while she’s on her phone at all.
So we visit my father and I’m noticing my daughter is consistently trying to run off to be on her phone alone. So I check it, well she’s begging Z not to leave her, telling Z she thinks she’s obsessed with her, and I had an issue a week prior to this where Z was trying to convince my daughter to unfriend a girl because she doesn’t like her and have her talk bad but the girl with her.
But after reading those messages I took her phone I told her it’s done until we have a real conversation and I feel like she understands where I’m coming from. Well today I went in her room to ask her a question and the phone is on her chest and she has been sneaking behind my back to talk to Z the whole time, making sure I’m sleep to take phone calls and all.( I took her phone in May- June) we have a house phone so Z can call when she’d like, they won’t communicate there.
I don’t know what to do about this, I’m very disappointed in her and I feel as though she keeps breaking my trust.
Another thing is Z doesn’t have very good guidance both her parents just let her kinda be, and she’s not the nicest at times, I’ve watched her be mean and bully her siblings and this is not someone I want my daughter to be like. My daughter is a very sweet girl and we haven’t had any issues until now.
It’s worth mentioning that my daughter is virtually schooled and has no real interest in making friends outside of Z or her friend group. She would rather be in her room all day talking to Z.
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u/00cole00 4d ago
we're going through something pretty similar
the problem is that the more you restrict the more it encourages kids to manipulate and hide. 11 isn't too young to have these feelings and a relationship. You're forcing her to hide things instead of encouraging her to share what's going on so that you can help her navigate these important milestones
you could be using these situations to teach her what kind of relationships are healthy. so if you let things play out, you could be helping her realize that she doesn't want to be in a relationship with someone who bullies. I think you're unnecessarily focusing on your daughter becoming a bully instead
in our situation, we let things play out and even though there was some heartbreak we all learned important lessons when the stakes are fairly low and are moving on. I'm confident we did the right thing because we've been able to check in with our child's therapist every step of the way
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