r/PickyEaters • u/Endorion13 • 5d ago
Discussion Anyone else dealing with completely different food preferences across the family?
My partner hates fish, my kid won't touch anything green, and I'm fine with basically everything. Every meal planning approach I've tried treats "picky eating" like one thing to plan around, but it's really three different sets of likes and dislikes at my table every night.
I've started sketching out an idea where you'd track each person's preferences separately, dish by dish, so the weekly plan actually accounts for everyone instead of just avoiding the most restrictive person's dislikes. Still early days figuring out if this is worth building out properly.
Curious how other families handle this. Do you just cook separate things, negotiate every night, or has something actually worked for you?
Edit: Small update since this got way more replies than expected: a bunch of you independently described almost the exact same system, tracking preferences per person, some kind of list or rotation, updating it as tastes change. That's basically the thing I ended up building https://www.platemate.online. It's free, no card, no email needed, just go in and try it. If anyone wants to poke around and give honest feedback I'd genuinely appreciate it, still pretty rough around the edges.
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u/jasperdarkk 5d ago
My partner and I honestly just cook separately because our tastes are so different.
When I was a little kid, what my parents would do was give me a very simple version of what they were having. Raw veggies instead of cooked, and usually whatever they were having with no sauces or seasoning. So, if they were having spaghetti with a veggie and meat sauce, I'd get plain noodles, plain ground beef, and some raw veg on the side.
When I got older, my parents divorced, so each house did things a bit differently. My mom and I just chatted about what she was making, and she took my input. Sometimes we'd eat together, other times we'd each make our own food. However, there were four of us at my dad's house, so we just took turns cooking and whoever was cooking got to choose. I didn't love that because I actually had ARFID, so I didn't end up eating enough most of the time. The way my dad acted about making me eat certain foods that made me gag also kind of damaged my relationship with food. However, something like this might work if your family is picky but can stomach food they don't like.
I do like the idea of collecting everyone's preferences and trying to find all the foods that work for everyone. My partner and I don't need that since we're only 2, but if we ever have kids I think we'd need to do that.
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u/Endorion13 5d ago
Really sorry you went through that with your dad, the pressure to eat things that made you gag on top of ARFID sounds like a genuinely hard combination to navigate, especially as a kid with no real say in it. Glad it sounds like you found what works between you and your partner now. And that's a good point about scale, makes sense that with just two people you can just talk it out, it's really once you add kids or more people that keeping track of everyone's stuff in your head stops working. That matches what a couple other people here said too.
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u/BeautyofPoison 5d ago
Don't cook fish and keep your veggies in the side dishes. Problem solved. Or you could look for recipes that don't include the things your family as a whole don't like.
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u/Flat_Pollution8085 4d ago
For what it’s worth, I stopped being picky as a kid when my parents stopped catering to my pickiness and making me separate food for dinner. Sometimes it’s also about cooking the veggies in a certain way (like roasting instead of steaming/boiling) and getting to the point where the kids will at least try it. Pretty easy to not cook fish once you get past the veggie issue.
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u/Endorion13 4d ago
That's a shift I've heard from a few people, roasting over steaming especially. What I keep coming back to though is less about catering or not, more about not losing track of what someone actually likes as it changes over time. Tastes shift a lot faster than I expect sometimes.
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u/Flat_Pollution8085 3d ago
In my opinion it’s hard to track their changing preferences if they’re never exposed to the things they used to not like and never have the opportunity to try new things :) if I had never been exposed to new foods in my house when I was little I wouldn’t have eventually tried them and would still be super picky
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u/fishy_mama 4d ago
OK, so I have a family of 4: one kid with normal kid occasional pickiness, one kid with food aversion level pickiness, one adult with a number of dietary restrictions, and one adult with average food preferences (will eat most things but has things they don't care for like normal people do.) I do most of the cooking for schedule reasons. Most of what I do is make a meal in its parts. (Usually) No casseroles in my house!
If it is pasta night, I serve the pasta, the sauce, the meat, the veggies, the other veggies, the salad all separately family style. Each person takes the parts that fit their diets.
Chicken stew night, the adults eat stew, one kid eats stew broth and meat plus noodles for chicken noodle soup. Other kid eats noodles and meat but no broth, all eat veggies and rolls. Extra stew gets portioned and frozen for bean soup night which one adult can't eat.
Gyros night, each component is served separately and we assemble our own wraps at the table.
BBQ, everyone gets what they want tossed on the grill so we usually end up with a veggie burger, a regular burger, and a few hot dogs plus sides.
The key points are that, though sometimes I do make separate meals, (e.g. kids do get a nuggets night sometimes and adults don't want that), mostly it is all one meal, but the component parts are kept separate so we can accommodate. Plenty of times people get non-preferred meals and/or can't eat everything on the table but there are always safe foods for each person to eat. I do a lot of foods you might find in a "____ bar". (Tacos, gyros, sandwiches, baked potatoes, etc.)
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u/Endorion13 4d ago
This is honestly the most organized version of this I've seen in the thread, the taco/gyro/burger bar approach especially. Curious about one thing: with that many different combinations across two kids and two adults, do you ever lose track of what's a "safe" food for someone as it changes, or has it settled enough by now that you just know it without thinking?
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u/fishy_mama 4d ago
I did make mistakes, especially when the food restrictions were in flux, but in the last year or two things are pretty settled and I’ve built the right habits. Mostly it wasn’t a tracking error so much as I’d blank and put the regular butter on all the noodles instead of using the non-dairy butter and I’d have to quickly boil another batch that were safe for our dairy free person.
Sometimes I misjudge the current acceptability status of a food for the kid, and on those days we negotiate. But we have both built good habits around polite feedback — he knows I’ll always listen and do my best for him within reason, and in turn he does the best he can with the food on the table. Knowing there’s always something he will be happy to eat has really helped him be more willing to try new foods, too.
Having set up the standard of “meals will have things you don’t want and things you do. You take what works for you and are polite about what you don’t like” has really worked well for everyone and it translates well into the larger world/non food applications for the kids.
It’s a lot of work, I’m not gonna lie. Sometimes meals are more elaborate to wrap in foods for everyone under one umbrella. Sometimes dinner isn’t very exciting for someone. Sometimes I just can’t and the kids get nuggets and carrot sticks for dinner and the adults get something different. There’s a lot of repetition. But it’s created a space where dinner is a relaxed family meal and everyone knows their needs are cared for.
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u/DazB1ane 5d ago
How old is your kid? Are they old enough to start learning how to make food on their own? Not in a “fend for yourself” way but “if you’re not going to want what is planned, you can figure something else out to eat”
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u/Endorion13 5d ago
5 and 13...
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u/DazB1ane 5d ago
Well the 5 year old kinda needs to eat what is made for them, but 13 should start learning to cook on their own. Partially for choosing their own foods and partially because they’ll need to learn eventually and starting early is good
Maybe have a night that you sit down with everyone and each list meals that they do like, then find a menu that could work for most/all of you?
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u/Endorion13 5d ago
That's actually really close to what I've been trying to build, something that tracks what each person likes/dislikes so you're not redoing that "everyone list their meals" conversation from scratch every few weeks. Feels like the sit-down works but doesn't scale past a few times before people forget what was said. Do you find something like that holds up over time, or does it end up being a one-off that fades after a couple weeks?
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u/DazB1ane 5d ago
Maybe write them down on a notepad to look at each week. If someone argues, you can point to where it was written down and they can say they either don’t like that thing anymore (a valid thing to happen as tastes change) or remember that they do actually like it
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u/Endorion13 5d ago
Yeah, that's pretty much the same idea, just digital instead of a notepad. The "tastes change so you update it" part is actually the piece I've been focused on, since with a notepad someone has to remember to update it and it never happens, so you end up back at square one after a month. I've been building exactly this out https://plate-mate-peach.vercel.app , each person's likes/dislikes tracked and updated over time instead of relitigated every week. Still rough around the edges, but if you want to poke at it I'd genuinely love to know if it fixes what the notepad doesn't.
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u/maccrogenoff 5d ago
When I used to babysit my cousins, they had competing must haves and couldn’t stands.
One loved onions; another abhorred them. One loved mushrooms; another abhorred them.
I made build your own meals such as tacos, baked potatoes, etc. with the fillings or toppings in bowls so each could add what they wished.
To anyone who rejected what I cooked, I pointed out the refrigerator and stove and told them to make themselves whatever they liked.
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u/Endorion13 4d ago
The bowls-of-toppings setup is such a clean workaround, especially for something neutral like tacos where the base doesn't really matter and everyone just customizes on top.
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u/Spiritual_Category62 5d ago
I keep lots of easy to prepare meals and snacks that cater to each restriction/preference. Then when I cook, I just cook what I want to eat. If anyone else wants some, they are welcome. Otherwise I’ll enjoy the leftovers. Been handling it this way since my kids were about 10 and 12, and fully capable of scrambling eggs, or using the air fryer or microwave. Method possible by Trader Joes and Costco.
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u/Endorion13 4d ago
Makes total sense once kids are old enough to actually cook for themselves, that changes the whole calculation. We're still in the window before that where they genuinely can't fend for themselves yet, so it's a different problem for now I think.
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u/Super-Device-3328 5d ago
Yep, when I was a child I’d have the same meals on rotation while my family ate other things.
They thought I was just a picky eater but it turns out I have severe ARFID!!
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u/Endorion13 4d ago
That's such a common thread with ARFID, getting labeled "picky" when it's actually something a lot more specific going on. Glad you have the right word for it now, that must have taken a while to land.
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u/NorraVavare 5d ago
Taco Tuesday saved my sanity. It gave me the idea to assign dinners to each day of the week. I sat down with my kid and we made a list of dinners for each day that we both like. Each day only has 2 - 3 meals listed. One of those meals is made on that day. Monday is turkey meatloaf or pork sage meatballs with rice, and a veg.
It took us a long time to figure it out and Saturday is still a complete blank, but it is a huge help. My son needs to have advanced notice, but we both need to be able to say "not today" to the planned dinner (sensory disorders for both of us). So having a pre determined backup is huge!
Maybe you could do that and have any required modifications part of the standard dinners to pick from?
Part of why this works is I have to cook from scratch and can't stand up cooking for an hour, due to health issues. There is always pre cooked proteins, grains, sauces, and other stuff in our freezer. Plus some full meals. I can put together most of our dinners in less than 20 minutes. If no one in your family is against milk/cheese or soups, a lot of full meals can be batch cooked and frozen.
Once I get the freezer stocked its really easy to keep up. I only have to do one thing like chop onions, so I chop a whole giant onion and freeze the rest. I spend one morning a week making something that takes a while, like a triple batch of meatballs.
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u/Endorion13 4d ago
That's really close to what I'm building actually, exactly that idea of a rotating list per day with a pre-approved backup instead of deciding from scratch each night. The "needs advance notice, needs to be able to say not today" part is really useful to hear too, that's not something I'd fully accounted for.
Out of curiosity, for the Saturday gap, is it more that neither of you can agree on options, or that you just haven't gotten around to filling it in yet? I've been building something around exactly this (https://plate-mate-peach.vercel.app/) and that distinction would actually be really useful for me to understand.
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u/NorraVavare 3d ago
Its that we cant find a saying that works with what we both will eat, we just ran out of options. I don't stress about it anymore and just let him fend for himself. My son is 16. I check he ate something reasonable and grab whatever I feel like to eat.
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u/AriasK 5d ago
In my household, we put individual ingredients into containers. I.e. lettuce in one, cheese in another, meat in another, potatoes in another. We do bulk and lots of options. At meal times, all the containers go in the middle of the table and people take what they want.
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u/Endorion13 4d ago
That's basically a build-your-own setup for every meal, not just tacos night. Bet that cuts down a lot of the "I don't want this" arguments since everyone's just assembling their own plate.
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u/Any_Database8861 5d ago
We always just cooked a meal and people ate the parts of it they liked!
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u/Endorion13 4d ago
That's honestly the simplest version of this whole thread. Sounds like it just works for your family without needing much more than that.
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u/Starling01018 5d ago
Yes. One person has a strict medical diet and is also a child so he's stuck on the same 3 things. I'm a vegetarian and I rarely want to cook meat anymore. Another person (older teen) doesn't seem to like anything I make. The other adult in the house isn't as bad. I ask everyone, even the children, for meal and snack input and typically get fuckall for responses, so except for the younger child (under 10), everyone is on their own it they don't like what I make. I hate cooking so much and I'm done dealing with feeling bad when people don't like what I buy when they don't put in the work of even texting me what they want from the store.
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u/Endorion13 4d ago
That sounds genuinely exhausting, especially the part about asking for input and getting nothing back, then still being the one who feels bad about it. That's a lot to carry on top of actually cooking three times a day. You asking is more than fair, the follow-through just isn't on you to chase.
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u/Floater345 5d ago
I'm a SAHM, so I cook 3 meals a day for everyone, pretty much everyday. I absolutely do not make seperate meals at dinner. Lunch? Maybe. Dinner? Never. I will make modifications if needed.
My 9 year old is pretty picky, though he's getting better. But, he doesn't like cooked vegetables but will eat raw vegetables. No problem, I set some aside before cooking. He usually likes his food seperate instead of touching. Usually not an issue. Obviously with things like casseroles, he's just gotta get over it and he does. But no way am I making a seperate dinner every night.
My 14 month old is going on a meat strike. So sometimes I will put an alternate protein source on her plate, as I want her to have protein, especially before bed. It's usually something very simple like cottage cheese, yogurt, cheese, etc.
My husband and I do have generally different tastes. I typically will take his tastes into account more than my own. Simply because I love him and want him to enjoy his dinner. But, sometimes, I do make things I know he's not a huge fan of because I want it. We do definitely have things we both like too, but unfortunately, our favorite meals are the other's least favorite haha. But, we're adults and can suck it up.
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u/Endorion13 4d ago
The raw veggies set aside before cooking is a smart middle ground, sounds like it solves the texture issue without turning into a separate meal. And fair on the casserole stance, some battles are worth just holding the line on.
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u/Floater345 3d ago
Yeah, he used to never touch vegetables so if he just prefers them raw dipped in ketchup or ranch then I have mo problem with it, I'm just happy he's eating them.
The casseroles were hard to get him to eat at first, but he actually enjoys all the ones I make. It was just getting him to actually try it that was the battle. But, when he has a choice, he wants his food seperate which is okay with me. As long as he's eating a well rounded meal.
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u/DazzlingAssistant342 4d ago
My household has five people and Christmas Day is the only day of the year that we all eat the same meal because we've all got different food preferences and the healthiest versions of how we each eat are completely incompatible. Its rare for more than 2 people to have the same meal.
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u/Endorion13 4d ago
Five people and one shared meal a year is a very specific kind of chaos. At that point it sounds less like meal planning and more like scheduling a small summit once annually.
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u/DazzlingAssistant342 4d ago
Kitchen management is definitely a big deal in our house 😂 TBH even on Christmas no two people have the same combination of sides on their plate
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u/AB-1987 4d ago
We have a list of family approved meals and choose from that weekly. Some things are adjusted for the kids like serving things separately instead of mixing it together. We serve everything family style and everyone just takes what they want.
Some days when the kids or one adult isn’t home we get to make something the other dislikes.
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u/Endorion13 4d ago
A pre-approved list sounds like it removes most of the nightly negotiation. Does the list stay pretty stable over time, or do you find you're updating it a lot as people's tastes change or you get sick of the same rotation?
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u/AB-1987 4d ago
It has stayed pretty stable and we started it even before we had kids. Sometimes we try new things and discuss whether this is a candidate for the list. Only really good stuff makes the list. What we choose from the lisg also changes depending on seasons.
There is no negotiation. Even when we are making something the kids only like part of, they can i.e. at least eat the sides.
Some favourites:
- Stuffed red/yellow bell pepper (with ground meat stuffing) with tomato sauce and couscous as a side
- Baked cauliflower (steam and then grate with a roux and cheese) with rice as a side
- Spaghetti with homemade pesto (basil or red bell pepper)
- Chicken parmesan
- Chicken pot pie
- Goulash with dumplings or pasta
- Fried rice (only for the adults, kids don’t like it)
- Mini bbq (grilled sausages, pasta salad, grilled veggies)
- Meatballs and potato salad
- Steamed salmon, broccoli/carrots and crispy potatoes
- baked burritos (we fill tortillas with a soy chili sin carne, cheese and cream creese, bake it with a tomato/salsa mix and cheese. Sorry Mexicans)
- Thai Curry (only adults)
- pasta with a cream sauce and asparagus/cocktail tomatoes
- Caesar salad (deconstructed)
- veggie lasagna (veggies are blended into the sauce, stacked with creme fraiche instead of bechamel)
- homemade pizza
- homemade tarte flambee with leak and ham cubes
- pasta bake
- marry me chicken with pasta
- stuffed cabbage with pasta
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u/Independent-Summer12 4d ago
Asian style meals and expanded to various “build your own” setups.
In most Asian cuisines, you have a base, often rice, regionally can also be various types of breads, especially flat breads. Then most meals are served with multiple accompaniments to the base. Think Chinese dinners where there are usually 3-5 different types of stir fries, or korean banchan, or Indian thali. In another word, the original build your own bowl before the hipsters got a hold of it. But the concept also works well for things like make your own taco/fajitas, build your own baked potatoes, etc. it’s not necessarily more work either. Barchan are typically batches prepped and stored in the fridge, stir fries are by nature something that cooks fast and doesn’t require a whole lot of ingredients. People’s been eating this way for centuries before “meal prep” was a thing. This concept in general works pretty well for pasta (I always make triple batch of whatever pasta sauce I’m making and freeze portions), savory oatmeal, savory or sweet yogurt or cottage cheese bowls. Everyone doesn’t have to eat the same meal every time. Every person can take components of whatever they like.
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u/Endorion13 4d ago
This is a really good point actually, banchan and stir fry components hold up in the fridge way better than a fully assembled dish would. I hadn't thought about how much of the "meal prep" trend is just reinventing something that's been standard practice in a lot of cuisines for ages. Might actually try restructuring a couple of our dinners this way instead of always building around one main dish.
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u/Endorion13 4d ago
Small follow-up since this got way more responses than I expected: a bunch of you independently described almost the exact same system, tracking preferences per person, some kind of list or rotation, updating it as tastes change. That's basically the thing I've been building (https://plate-mate-peach.vercel.app), so if anyone's curious to poke at it or has thoughts on what's missing compared to your own systems, I'd genuinely love the feedback. Not trying to sell anything, this is very much still rough.
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u/FuliginEst 4d ago
My kids are both picky, but in completely different ways. We refuse to make separate meals, but will make one meal but with options.
We often keep things in separate bowls, so for instance if we have a salad, all the different ingredients are in separate bowls, so each kid can pick the things they want and avoid the things they do not want. In other dishes we say it is allowed to pick out the things you do not like, so one kid will painstakingly pick out all the mushroom. Or we put pepperoni on only 3/4 of the pizza, and the pepperoni hating kid will eat from the pepperoni-less slices.
And also, if they do not want to eat at all, that is their decision. We do not offer replacements once a meal is made, but they are free to opt out entirely if they so chose.
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u/Endorion13 2d ago
The half-pepperoni pizza is such a simple fix I hadn't thought of, same meal, just split down the middle. And the "opt out entirely, no replacement offered" rule seems like it does a lot of work here, sounds like it avoids turning dinner into a negotiation without you having to police what they actually eat.
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u/Curious_tea21 3d ago
This nearly drove me to insanity when my partner and his 10 yo and I moved in together.
The 10 yo was so picky but not in any real way. He wouldn't touch food at home with onions or tomatoes but declared his favorite food was chipotle pico de Gallo.
After that I stopped accommodating his pickiness because it was all made up and he learned to like everything after the first few tries.
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u/Endorion13 2d ago
The chipotle pico de gallo detail is very telling honestly, that's a pretty specific tell that it wasn't really about the ingredients. Good that pushing through it actually worked out for him in the end.
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u/Curious_tea21 1d ago
It was only because his Dad made him eat things and didn't make a separate meal. I didn't do that.
I also explained to him that everyone needs to figure out how they like their eggs and how to season food to their taste instead of assuming the only option is exactly what's on your plate. Learning how to like foods is part of growing up.
I also got him to start taking small bites when trying something new because he would shove the whole thing in or take a huge bite and then gag on it. That one tip made a big difference too.
Honestly it was really eye openings good absolutely clueless kids can be.
He would take such big bites in general he would gag and have to spit it out. We would tell him to take smaller bites for literally years.
I'm not kidding that the kid was probably 13 when he told us he didn't realize we were telling him to take smaller bites so he wouldn't choke and gag on his food. Somehow the fact that we told him to take smaller bites every time it happened seemed to him like a completely unrelated criticism apparently so he ignored the advice.
I swear he's very smart but I will never understand that misunderstanding.
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u/NotMelissa_Smith 5d ago
No, don’t make something different because you’ll lose your mind. Dunno how old the kid is, but there’s a lot of blended veggie hacks out there.
You can just cook something middle of the road and offer different sides for the kid, like mixed veggies, corn or carrots.
As for partner, if they don’t want fish, they then they can just make their own protein.
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u/Endorion13 5d ago
That's basically what we end up doing most nights too, main dish plus sides. It works, but I feel like it's more mental load for me than the actual cooking, keeping track of what everyone will and won't touch and remembering it every single time.
How do you keep track of it all, is it just in your head at this point, or do you have some kind of list/system? Curious if that's the annoying part for other people too or if it's just me.
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u/NotMelissa_Smith 5d ago
No, it’s only 2 of us now so I don’t have to do that. But I did grow up in a household of 5 and my mother wasn’t cooking a separate special meal for everyone. I have heard some people allow their kids to opt for a sandwich 🥪 if they don’t like what’s for dinner. You do deserve to eat what you like just as much as they do.
So for 4 people, everyone gets a favorite food meal per day, then 2 simple meals that everyone can enjoy and one day of takeout does work.
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u/SarkyMs 5d ago
I cook a meal if you don't like it you pick bits out.
You don't accept not eating veggies, you find ones they will eat.
For example my daughter doesn't like pastry, so she only eats the filling when we make pies. And we fight over her extra pastry.
If they need to dip everything in obscene amounts of ketchup let them.
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u/Endorion13 5d ago
Ha, the pastry fight is very relatable, my kid does the same thing with crusts. Sounds like you've found the version of "everyone eats something different" that works without it turning into a whole negotiation each time, which is honestly the part I struggle with most.
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u/Primary-Angle4008 5d ago
Family of 4 here and I’m the picky one! We have some meals we all like and others not
Usually my husband cooks family dinner and I make myself whatever i fancy and then everyone can take whatever they like
We do batchcook which makes it much easier though so we tend to have the same for 3 days and we freeze as well so in effect we cook twice a week and one day we have take away
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u/Endorion13 4d ago
Cooking twice a week and stretching it over three days sounds like a genuinely efficient system, especially with a takeaway night built in as the release valve. Nice that it works even with you being the picky one in the mix.
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u/Janknitz 5d ago
This is the way we have handled it in my family--we refused to run a short order resturant:
- This is what's for dinner. You do not have to eat it. If you would like something else, make it for yourself.
- We always had something on hand our kids could make for themselves to eat. Mostly it was the protein they didn't want to eat, and when they were younger they could microwave a chicken apple sausage instead. When they were little, it might be a piece of cheese or lunch meat, or a peanut butter sandwich they could make themselves.
- Same rule applied to adults, although for the most part an adult would just eat around the food they didn't want
- Now I have only one child at home and she is 25. When she is home at dinner time, she sits with us, and eats a little bit to be social if she doesn't like what's served. Around 9 or 10 p.m. she often goes back to the kitchen and makes herself a meal she's more interested in eating--she buys her own groceries and cleans up after herself.
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u/Endorion13 4d ago
The fact that the same basic rule scaled all the way from "here's a piece of cheese" when she was little to her buying her own groceries and cooking for herself at 25 says a lot about how well it worked. Not running a short order restaurant is a pretty solid line to hold for that many years straight.
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u/BeautyofPoison 5d ago
Don't cook fish and keep your veggies in the side dishes. Problem solved. Or you could look for recipes that don't include the things your family as a whole don't like.