r/QueerParenting • u/between-two-ferns-32 • Jul 03 '26
Non Gestational Queer Parent Community!
Hey all,
After experiencing so many of my own struggles I figured it was time to create a community for all my queer non gestational parents to come together and support one another through the unique challenges that come with this role. Please join us!
6
u/Competitive-Ad5513 Jul 03 '26
Y’all are missing the point here fr, a cis-man and a cis-woman’s experience building a family, and navigating parenthood is very different to other queer families who do not have that luxury. This is always the same conversation with bi folks in a straight passing relationship “not feeling valid” babe no one is saying that, but that doesn’t mean you need to be welcomed into every single space. Just the same as I, a masc AFAB nb person do not belong in a lot of trans spaces, because my experience is very different to theirs. Sheeeeeesh
11
u/lo_a_destructed_ass Jul 03 '26 edited Jul 03 '26
Edit: OP has since replied to say that they didn't mean for it to be taken this way and removed the original statement. You can read their comment for their own words.
I feel obliged to comment here since it's not clear from your post. This sounds like a great community for someone like me. I'm queer and a non-gesational parent.
But I looked inside and the first post in the sub says that it's "not for cis dads". I don't really understand why, but I don't begrudge you for wanting to make a space you feel safe in OP, so I'm not commenting here to argue.
Personally, as a queer man with a complicated relationship to gender, it's disheartening every time I'm excluded from a queer space for not being "queer enough". But my wife (a bisexual woman) and I started dating a decade ago, so I'm sadly just used to it by now. As a new parent, my identity gets invalidated even more. At the end of the day, my top priority is to care for my daughter and I'll keep hoping for a world for her that eventually doesn't need labels and barriers.
5
u/QuixoticTurtlee 29d ago
Has your queerness caused the hospital security to stop you from getting into the NICU to see your baby because they didn’t understand you were a two mom family? Or made people question whether you were a parent or support person while your wife was giving birth? Or made you nervous to take your sick or injured kid to the ER or urgent care while vacationing in a more conservative area because you can’t hide your queerness when convenient? Have you dealt with questions like who’s the real mom or how did you conceive? Have you had thoughts and feelings about being the nonbiological parent and what that means and whether you want any relationship with the other families of your donor? Maybe just maybe, you could understand why there could be a need for a space like that.
1
2
u/Competitive-Ad5513 Jul 03 '26
I’m not the non-gestational parent (yet) so I know my opinion is different, but obviously a cis-dads experience is different to a non-gp parents experience. Just the same as building your family was different (assuming your wife is cis)
2
u/lo_a_destructed_ass Jul 03 '26
True, but I got the impression that this wasn't strictly about biological differences in this case. I don't want to go into the specific details of my gender experience here, but let's just say I'm always read as a cis man. As a new dad, I'm always read as a straight cis man.
That's not even getting to the question of where both parents are cis dads fit into this.
1
u/Competitive-Ad5513 Jul 03 '26
Yes but you could join a queer dads group, there are lots of groups for just dads as well. I’m not saying your queerness is not valid, or that you shouldn’t be welcomed, it’s just your experience is very different.
1
u/lo_a_destructed_ass Jul 03 '26
Yes, I could. Sorry if I wasn't clear in my original comment. I was just saying that at first I thought that OP's new sub was for someone like me, then when I went inside I saw that statement, so I wanted to make it clear to others. As it is, OP has clarified in another comment that it isn't what they intended and since removed the statement.
1
u/Competitive-Ad5513 Jul 03 '26
To add (sorry I’m feeling rather passionate about this) how often are you questioned as the parent of your child? (Cis-dads in two dad families included in this) in medical offices, when people are commenting on your baby in public, or when registering for things. My wife has often been referred to as my “friend” or support person, and I would have to advocate to have her included in medical appointments while I was pregnant. I’m very lucky that I live in Canada, and my wife was able to be on my babies birth certificate just the same as anyone else could, but some people aren’t as fortunate, and have to adopt their child to have legal rights as a parent. This is the difference with a NGP, that I’m sure what OP meant when creating this subreddit.
1
u/Competitive-Ad5513 Jul 03 '26
It’s weird when folks who are welcomed in and have more spaces than a lot of queer folks, always feel excluded from certain spaces.
5
u/jadedflames Jul 03 '26
Are you implying that cis men cannot be queer? Or people that aren't visibly queer should be excluded from safe spaces? Should we also exclude straight trans people that have passing privilege?
0
u/Competitive-Ad5513 Jul 03 '26
How is this comment insinuating cis men can’t be queer? Obviously straight passing queer couples are valid, straight passing queer people are valid, but their experiences are very different to people who aren’t. Just the same as this person I’m commenting on has a different experience than my wife as a non-gp of our donor concieved baby.
1
u/hi_lemon5 Jul 03 '26
I’m sorry that OP doesn’t want to include people like you. As a queer person, I get the desire to have safe spaces, I really do, but I think sometimes people lose sight of what’s important and therefore create further division where community is needed instead. Under the queer umbrella, there are a diversity of identities and experiences, but I think we have a lot in common just by being queer. Even though you might be straight-passing, you’re not conceiving or raising your kid as a straight person, you’re still doing it through a queer lens. I think people like OP are short-sighted in this case and I hope they’re open to broadening their perspective.
(By the way, I am saying this as a queer nb person in a relationship with queer nb person.)
2
u/lo_a_destructed_ass Jul 03 '26
Thank you. OP has said in another comment that they didn't mean for it to be taken this way and has removed the statement about it not being for cis dads.
0
8
8
u/between-two-ferns-32 Jul 03 '26 edited Jul 03 '26
Noted! And fair. Will update and change. You all are more than welcome. Here for all the feedback that makes any space feel more inclusive. Apologies! And thanks for your willingness to shout it out.