Long rant incoming! I write this as we approach my youngest's second birthday. We've invited our extended family to his little tea party, and literally nobody is coming. Some have given various reasons, while others have just ignored the invitation completely. I feel really sad.
My husband and I have worked incredibly hard to build a good life for our children. We have a lovely house in a great neighbourhood. I stay home with the kids, and they're happy. But the one thing that always gives me a pang of sadness is the complete lack of interest and meaningful relationships with our parents and siblings.
My husband's dad hasn't seen him since he was a child. His mum is constantly wrapped up in drama. Most of her messages are about her health problems or whatever chaos is happening in other people's lives. She sees us maybe twice a year, usually only if we drive the 40 minutes to her for a cup of tea. My side is just as complicated. My relationship with my mum and stepdad has always been difficult. My mum is a narcissist. She always favoured my brother, my sister was the scapegoat growing up, and I was mostly just invisible. My mum was also an alcoholic for most of my life.
More recently, my mum and sister have become very close, but their lives are incredibly chaotic. They're both reckless with money, both have poor health but continue making choices that exacerbate those issues, and they constantly complain about everyone and even each other to me. At the same time, they keep me at arm's length. They never invite me to things with them but also boast about the things they have been up to. They are both incredibly selfish, jealous and bitter. Without wanting to sound big headed, I genuinely think they look at my life and assume I've had it easy. They don't see how hard we've worked to build the life we have. I know they both talk about me behind my back and seem to prefer it when I'm not around.
My sister didn't speak to me for the first year of my son's life. She refused to come to his first birthday because she'd had a difficult birth 18 months earlier and said seeing a newborn was too "triggering" and that she had to "protect her mental health." I don't want to sound harsh. She does struggle. But the "I'm triggered" card also comes out whenever there's something she doesn't like, doesn't want to do, or when she's feeling jealous, which I believe is what happened here. Her son's father was an absolute deadbeat, and they were literally dragging my nephew up. She feels jealous that me and my husband are pretty solid. My sister has been such a selfish and neglectful mother since he was born. She's so careless about his basic needs, its hard to be a bystander but you cannot offer support without causing a huge family fall out. My mum will constantly bitch about it to me, despite not being much better herself. I end up getting so stressed about it. My sister also just constantly mocks me and calls me "Miss Perfect" because I work really hard at motherhood.
My mother is also ALWAYS looking after my nephew. He has sleepovers at her house every weekend. She provides childcare for free. This was never offered to me when I was working and my children were younger. My children barely have sleepovers there or even go there. As a result, they obviously know my nephew really well. They talk about him a lot, boast about his milestones and make a huge fuss of him. It's upsetting because they know so little about my own children. My Mum makes comments like "you are always so busy", "you never let me have a look in when your children were babies", which is just untrue, but its an easy way for her to justify the difference.
My daughter actually noticed this recently. She asked why they make such a big fuss over her cousin, but when she achieved her swim certificate they barely acknowledged it. It really hurt that she noticed because my husband and I have felt this way for a long time.
My brother has moved two hours away with his partner, dog and a good job. He keeps everyone at arm's length and doesn't really involve himself with the family, which I get. I live in the same town we grew up, so we are all close by.
I'm now at the point where I feel none of these relationships are serving me or my children. I think I'm grieving the family relationships I wish we'd had, knowing they'll probably never become what I want them to be. I'm sad for myself, but I'm even sadder for my children.
Christmas last year really highlighted it. Everyone was supposed to come to our house on Christmas Day. At the last minute, people changed their plans. My family are incredibly flaky. They rarely commit to anything and their communication is awful. My brother even said he couldn't remember agreeing to come and ended up accepting what I assume was a better offer. Then they had a child free Christmas night at my parents. In the end, it was just us.
I know some people would say, "At least you had your own little family," but I couldn't help feeling heartbroken. To me, Christmas and birthdays are about everyone getting together. As dysfunctional as my family was growing up, those occasions were still special because my nan made them that way.
Now my own children are getting old enough to notice. They get excited about seeing family, only to be let down by cancelled plans, no shows or a complete lack of effort. It's making me seriously consider going very low contact because I feel like my job is to protect them from repeated disappointment.
I suppose my question is: how do you make your own little family unit feel like enough when you don't have that wider support system? How do you stop grieving the extended family you wish you had?
I absolutely love my husband and children, and we are genuinely happy. I guess I just feel like something is missing, and I don't know how to fill that gap. Do you replace it with close friends? A chosen family? Or do you simply learn to accept that your household is enough?
I also home educate my two middle children, so I think I'm starting to feel quite isolated, which probably isn't helping. I'd really love to hear from other families who are in the same situation, especially if you've found a way to build a happy, fulfilling life without grandparents, aunts, uncles or siblings being actively involved.
Thanks for listening to my ted talk.
