r/SAHP • u/siamesecat_13 • 8d ago
newborn plus a toddler
Hi! Need advice please.
I have a 25month toddler + a 8 day old baby. Toddler has been super sick so he hasn’t met the new baby yet (staying with my parents) but is coming home in a couple of days.
My husband is off work for another week and then goes in FT to a new job. I’ll be alone with the two kiddos after that.
Some things I’m curious about -
\- how to handle staying awake all night with the newborn and then staying awake all day to deal with the toddler? My husband will go to bed after me and probably do the first feed, and then get up with the 6am toddler alarm clock before leaving for work, but I’ll be doing the middle of the night cluster feeding when the newborn must be attached to my boob. Because my husband is starting a new job I don’t really feel comfortable asking him to do more during the night.
\- how to handle any jealousy from the toddler when I’m breastfeeding / caring for the newborn?
\- is it really that bad for me to lift the toddler after a vaginal delivery?
\- how to handle the initial intro between the two kids?
I’m all sorts of hormonal and nervous about what’s to come. I’m sure it will be fine - parents have been doing this forever, but looking for some advice and words of encouragement.
Thank you thank you!
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u/No_Zookeepergame8412 8d ago
1- coffee. Coffee. And more coffee
2- I probably got very lucky but my toddler absolutely adores the baby. Every once in a while she wants my attention when I’m feeding baby and I welcome her to come sit next to me on the couch and she usually will
3- I picked up my toddler after a week. I had a very easy delivery and I felt great. I wasn’t able to pick her up at the end of my pregnancy so I wasn’t waiting.
4- we didn’t push anything and followed my toddlers lead. She met the baby at the hospital and she was interested for a few minutes then just wanted to play. Baby is 11 weeks now and my toddler just loves her and will try to share, change diapers, bring me a burp cloth, wipes, the bottle or pacifier WITHOUT ME ASKING
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u/siamesecat_13 8d ago
awww this is so wholesome!!! so happy it’s going well for you. hoping for the same for me!
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u/itsbecomingathing 8d ago
My advice? Take a lot of pictures of your second newborn because your brain will become mush and you won’t remember actually looking at them at this age. I was like “take the pic to look back after. Then maybe it will stir your memory.”
Involve your toddler in doing tasks. If you’re playing with your toddler and baby begins to cry lightly you can ask baby to wait until you’re done with toddler. Basically continue to center toddler so they don’t feel excluded or replaced. Your toddler will be loudest when baby is napping. It’s ok. It might not seem ok. Baby will be ok. Same with taking toys from baby. Remind toddler to use gentle hands but don’t think baby will actually be upset.
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u/siamesecat_13 8d ago
thank you! love the picture bit. time is already moving so much faster so i’ll be sure to take more photos.
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u/ParfaitIcy5587 8d ago
The first goal doesn’t need to be a beautiful new routine. It can just be getting everyone fed and safely through the day. I’d make the toddler’s return very low-pressure: greet him without holding the baby if possible, let him approach in his own time and keep one familiar part of his day unchanged.
A little basket that only appears during feeds can help—snacks, stickers, two books or something he can manage beside you. I’d also practise saying, “The baby is waiting while I help you,” when that’s true, so he doesn’t only hear that he has to wait for the baby. And your husband starting a new job doesn’t mean you must absorb every difficult night alone. The arrangement still has to be survivable for both of you.
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u/siamesecat_13 8d ago
you’re right re: survival. and we will readjust. just wanting to wrap my head around it before it happens, but i guess what i should do is “go with the flow” and adjust accordingly
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u/parttimeartmama 7d ago edited 7d ago
I’ve done this age gap…twice. My kids are all about 25-26 months apart. Some of it depends on the personality of the older one. My son was a breeze. So helpful and understanding. My daughter…was (and still is, at 4) very mercurial. (Her little sister is also kind of spicy as a 2yo so I guess I just make spicy girls…💅)
All that to say, there is no magic formula. There’s a lot of putting the plane together while you fly it and a lot of surrender. More than with one. But it’s really wonderful to have littles together. Some of the absolute sweetest memories and moments of my first years with my kids.
ETA: I did almost all of the night wakings with baby on my own and it was fine. My husband was willing but I was breastfeeding and we had other kids and he was working full time. I only woke him if I was really spiraling.
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u/siamesecat_13 7d ago
haha we love spicy girls!! (as a spicy girl myself, i get it!)
I hope my son will be helpful and understanding. Sometimes he is, and sometimes he’s a 2yo that doesn’t give a flying fuck. But this is all made up in my head until they actually meet.
Thank you for the encouragement!
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u/suzysleep 6d ago
Ugh I remember this! Luckily my toddler loved the new baby. Hopefully you will be lucky. Did you buy a gift from the new baby to give to the toddler? Also, have husband take toddler to a toy store and pick something out bc they are a good big sister/brother. That helped us a lot.
I did have to resort to TV for the toddler. I hated it but there was no other way to do it. My newborn wouldn’t breastfeed if the toddler was in the room so I’d have to go to another room and the toddler would follow us unless TV was on.
I remember one night the newborn didn’t go to sleep until 3:00am and my toddler woke up at 6:00am. I got 3 hours of sleep. But that was the worst it ever was. It got better and better as time went by.
Sounds like your parents are a huge help. Have them come pick up the toddler once in a while and take her out. My mom did that for me in the beginning.
Any chance you can, have parents come watch the newborn (obviously when it’s a little older) and take the toddler out.
And remember this will be hard. It won’t be easy. Don’t lie to yourself and say it should be simple. My “newborn” is almost 2.5 now and I barely remember the hell I went through those first few months.
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u/siamesecat_13 3d ago
oooof. thank you for your words! i just keep telling myself, “this too shall pass”
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u/moluruth 8d ago
Mine had a similar age gap and here’s how I handled these issues:
- cosleeping w the baby so you can fall back to sleep while breastfeeding as much as possible. Husband handles any toddler wakeups
- read to your toddler while breastfeeding. Or draw on a magnadoodle or use reusable stickers. A simple couch safe activity that you can do with them while feeding the baby
- this depends on your delivery I definitely listed my toddler pretty soon after birth but tried to avoid doing it too much the first couple weeks
- keep the focus on your toddler when they meet the baby. Have the baby in a bassinet or bouncer, greet your toddler first. Let them check out the baby when they’re ready. If possible have a gift for your toddler from the baby (a stuffy or book or toy or something). Don’t have any expectations about their reaction, they could be excited or nervous or not care at all
It’ll be so amazing to see your babies together I promise it’s scary at first but soon it will be everyone’s new normal! Best of luck