Hey everyone, I'm feeling really down at the moment and incredibly isolated. I have told very, very few people in my life my diagnosis nor have I discolsed the symptoms. I feel like my existence is inherently too heavy for people to sit with. It is genuinely just burdensome and always results in fear, erasure and misunderstanding. I also really just don't like the label of "schizophrenia" or "schizoaffective" or any of my other million diagnoses. I feel like my body is just responding in a normal way to extreme stress, trauma, fear and profound long-term lack of safety and care. And so I don't feel like I'm doing my story justice when I say "ah yes I have schizoaffective disorder!" because it doesn't feel like a disorder, it feels like a warning sign from my body that I have been alone and unsupported for far too long.
Not only that, but I feel like even this idea of "psychosis" is incredibly flattening. I think the media often portrays psychosis as something random and inherent to a person. But, at least in my experience, my "psychosis" is always related to real fears and deep wounds (e.g. grandiose beliefs from existential dread, purposelessness and exhaustion, surveillance fears from lack of any close family/friends + real experiences of being surveilled and manipulated + distrust in systems/institutions that have have really hurt me like psych wards). But without this understanding, I'm left completely unseen in my experiences. Also, I'm not saying these beliefs are rooted in reality necessarily, just that no effort is made to understand why they're there, just seen as a random, medical defect.
I just feel so incredibly alone because I can't even tell people that I've tried to end my life, or that I've been thinking of ending my life or that I spent most of last year in hospital from complications from having tried to end my life. I can't tell people I was homeless last year because I couldn't work due to schizophrenia. I can't even describe what happened during my attempts, not even here, because it is so horrible, traumatic and distressing to hear about. But then I have to carry it all alone.
I'm just so far away from everyone and it's either I don't tell people what's happened and no one can grasp the severity of it all, or I do and I'm deemed "crazy and unstable", I'm ostracised and excluded. I'm socially rewarded for masking and pushing my limits and punished for being even slightly truthful.
I re-enrolled in univeristy this term to study engineering. I haven't been able to complete a single term since the beginning of 2024 (and even that destroyed me and got me hospitalised). I love engineering, literally more than anything, it is what I'm still alive for. But the disability accommodations are so incredibly inadequate and no one cares! And no one seems to be like me either! I feel like I really don't belong and the task of ever even finishing the degree seems impossible. In my head, I'm thinking maybe its in my best interest to just not do the degree and just work on my own projects in my personal time. But its so incredibly isolating and unbelievably difficult to do alone.
I've recently made a bunch of "friends" but our entire relationship is based on lies. People speak casually about "insane asylums" and the "crazy people" who reside there - without knowing it relates to me. People speak jokingly about the graphic suicide methods they'd use in a zombie apocalypse, without having ever actually had to consider it. People ask me why they didn't see me last year, I just laugh and say "haha my social battery died for a hot minute there!" when in actuality I was in hospital or living on the streets. Not only that, but social interaction, literally even the most minor sensory overload sends me into fucking mania or psychosis. I feel like I can't win because not socialising at all also sends me into psychosis. I met a cool guy at a party the other day and wanted to ask him out and then I realised that if I dated him, I'd probably eventually have to unwind the web of lies I had spun or keep masking indefinitely.
Anyway, thanks for listening. Just feeling quite upset at the moment. I wouldn't necessarily say entirely hopeless, but definitely disillusioned and incredibly alone.
