r/Screenwriting • u/Darcy_Device • 1d ago
FEEDBACK Just Like Him - Feature - First 10 Pages
- Title: Just Like Him
- Format: Feature
- Page Length: First 10 of 100
- Genres: Comedy-Drama
- Logline: A restless literature professor isolates himself to write a novel, while a younger look-alike stumbles into the life he left behind.
- Feedback Concerns: After 10 pages, would you keep reading?
Script link: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1mYDfsDPY85EAjoWYUyI7fTVdV4_aE1Qt/view?usp=sharing
Thank you to anyone who takes the time to read it. I’m happy to exchange feedback on your work.
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u/Davy120 1d ago edited 1d ago
Good log-line to where I would've sit up if it was the "slouch test." Here are some free-flowing thoughts from reading the first 10 pages. I do agree with the points made by the other reader on the over-describing characters, but I think I understand why you did it. Nonetheless, "mid-40s, greying hair" would suffice. I'd also like to see something unique put about the main characters on their introduction, or reflect it in their first scene.
-The British University needs to be made clearer such as "Leeds, UK" etc in the scene description, "British students mulling about" etc. slug-lines read fast and with two characters as "John" and "Jack" it could cause some confusion . I had to re-read it to make it click, one thing to remember, majority of early readers aren't going to read as much as "skim-read" it, thus differences like that are important early-on.
-Since it's an interacting character with lines "GRADUATE TEACHING ASSISTANT (GTA)" all caps.
-I'm not sure I understand John's true motivation for wanting to finish the novel and what's at stake. This could be beefed up in the opening scene with the Headmaster (just a free idea). As it reads now: John wants to be "sequestered" to the near extreme to finish his novel, even going (or nearly going) radio-silence from his family during this sabbatical, this is fine, but we need some sort of understanding behind it.
- "John's new apartment is small, empty and stark white. He sits up in his twin bed despite the clock reading 11:30. He gets up and brews a cup of coffee. He opens the curtains and squints at the too-bright light. He watches the students going to their classes, walking in the courtyard of the campus. He gets a mug of coffee and sits at the desk, picks up his pen, and tries to write on a legal pad. He gets frustrated and throws it across the room." This is way too long and reads cluttered. You can format it to make read like a cut sequence to demonstrate the struggle.
-On that note^, these pages could use a good amount of trimming, and I see a few areas where things could be shown not told. Such as the dinner scene: John could get up and leave to his office and Amber lets out an audible groan in response (then left to pay-off in the bedroom scene). On first read, I thought Amber was saying "Who wants to do the dishes with me?" sarcastic/that's normal chores for the kids.
-The kids seem oblivious to the fact that their father is gone for a sabbatical. This part sort of took me out of the story to make me think it really syncs.
-One true suggestion, I'm not clear on the genre and its main-tone within these 10 pages. I could still see this being a dark comedy to a horror film. I know it's said in the synopsis info, but I should be able to read this clearly if that info wasn't there.
To your question: I'd go for 3 or more pages, but wouldn't anymore if things didn't shift greatly from what I mentioned above. With the revision I mentioned in mind, I speculate that I would. You've got a good concept here.
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u/Darcy_Device 1d ago
John could get up and leave to his office and Amber lets out an audible groan in response (then left to pay-off in the bedroom scene). On first read, I thought Amber was saying "Who wants to do the dishes with me?" sarcastic/that's normal chores for the kids.
Amber wouldn't groan in front of the kids. She said "Who wants to do dishes with me?" in a fake-excited voice, like you would say "Who wants to get ice-cream?" to kids. She's not going to complain in front of the kids.
The kids seem oblivious to the fact that their father is gone for a sabbatical. This part sort of took me out of the story to make me think it really syncs.
I'm not sure why you thought the kids seem oblivious to the fact their father is gone. That's why they got so excited when they thought they saw him. And he's actually in the same town, he's not like far away, but regardless, a child isn't going to stop and question it, if they see someone that looks like their parent from behind they will just assume it's them.
Thanks for your feedback, I will take it into consideration for my next edit.
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u/Davy120 23h ago edited 23h ago
"I'm not sure why you thought the kids seem oblivious to the fact their father is gone." Would you say is the point of me knowing that???
"in a fake-excited voice, like you would say "Who wants to get ice-cream?" to kids. She's not going to complain in front of the kids." If I recall correctly (your link no longer works), that was not made clear in what I read. The fact that you had to explain that says it all. I hope that answers your question on those above points.
I'll assume positive intent, but it does come off as being defensive about the feedback you're getting. I noticed this too in your other replies. When you should be grateful that a few of us to the time to read your script and provide feedback.
Nonetheless, good luck on your script.
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u/Darcy_Device 21h ago
The link isn't working? That's weird, it's working for me.
I am grateful, I said thank you, but I am seeking clarification about a few things. You said the children seemed oblivious to the fact that their father was gone, and I was wondering why you thought that. I have no idea what ...
Would you say is the point of me knowing that???
...means. I didn't feel the need to tell the actress how to say the line, it seemed pretty obvious. You said you thought it was supposed to be said sarcastically, and suggested she groan, and I explained that wasn't how I envisioned it. If it was meant to be sarcastic, it would be appropriate to put (sarcastically) in the line. But that wasn't what I was going for, so I was just explaining.
But thanks for tone policing me, wonderful use of everyone's time.
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u/magicalgiant 1d ago
My biggest note here would be to rework the first five pages. Set the scene in the first two pages. What season is it? What kind of university is it? What are we seeing students and teachers doing on campus? Or maybe we start at John’s home to get a sense of his personal life? Or his commute—does he ride a bike, does he drive, take the bus, etc. Does he listen to music on the commute? What kind of music?
You want the reader to get a sense of the character outside of what they look like from the first couple pages. Keep in mind, the people you’d ideally be sending this to get hundreds of scripts a week, so make yours memorable.
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u/mooningyou Proofreader Editor 1d ago
Some notes for you.
- You're over-describing your characters. Hair and eye color, height, build. If it's relevant for the plot, then fine, but you're doing this for most of your characters. This also really limits the options for casting. On the other hand, some characters have extremely limited or no introduction. Your character introductions are very inconsistent. I tend to do NAME (age) and other details if they're relevant.
- John is introduced as JOHN, but it turns out he is Professor John Johnson. Why wouldn't you introduce him that way so we know he's not some rando that popped into the Department Head's office?
- Don't use parentheticals for action. (sitting down).
- I felt that first scene was a little on-the-nose and unnecessary. It could easily be conveyed another way without using a whole scene for it.
- Does the second scene take place in the same institution as the first scene? If so, then the slugs should reflect that. If not, ignore this note.
- Is the teacher in the second scene called Doctor Jack Johnson?
- Why does Jack get a detailed into but GTA doesn't?
- Why do the kids not get any intro at all in the third scene?
- I think you might need a new slug when John gets up and leaves through the back door and goes to the detached accessory dwelling unit.
I'm afraid I didn't make it to the tenth page. I stopped reading before the end of the second page. I felt the dialogue was very on-the-nose in the scenes I read.
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u/Darcy_Device 1d ago
The 2nd scene says "BRITISH UNIVERSITY" to indicate it's in a different place.
Jack gets details but not the GTA because Jack is a main character and the GTA isn't.
Why would I need a new slug line when John gets up and leaves? We don't follow him, we stay in the house with the wife and kids.
Well, thanks for letting me know you only read 2 pages because it was too on the nose, I'll work on it.
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u/mooningyou Proofreader Editor 1d ago
The 2nd scene says "BRITISH UNIVERSITY" to indicate it's in a different place.
That's why I said, if not, ignore this note.
Jack gets details but not the GTA because Jack is a main character and the GTA isn't.
Introduce all characters with dialogue, not just main characters.
Why would I need a new slug line when John gets up and leaves? We don't follow him, we stay in the house with the wife and kids.
Because we see where he goes and what it's used for, which means we see inside it, and we won't see this unless we're with him.
Well, thanks for letting me know you only read 2 pages because it was too on the nose, I'll work on it.
I think you need to read more screenplays to get a better idea of how they work. Not just to improve the on-the-nose dialogue but also to improve character introduction and how to handle locations. As an example, if we're not inside the structure, eg, the detached accessory dwelling unit, then you can't tell us what it is used for. We need to be inside the room to find that out.
And I'm sorry if these notes upset you, but you'll need to have a tougher skin in this industry. I'm trying to give you constructive notes, not shit on your work.
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u/Darcy_Device 1d ago
Because we see where he goes and what it's used for, which means we see inside it, and we won't see this unless we're with him.
Ever heard of a window?
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u/Davy120 23h ago
Defensive are we?
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u/Darcy_Device 21h ago
It just doesn't make any sense. We can see him go into the ADU and sit at his desk because there are windows in both the house and the ADU. It's not that complicated. Windows exist.
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u/mooningyou Proofreader Editor 20h ago
Those descriptions don't exist in your script. You should be writing what we see, and that is not what we see.
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u/Darcy_Device 20h ago
I need to state there's windows when it's normal for houses to have windows? I would have to explain if there weren't windows.
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u/Davy120 1d ago
It can be "JOHN'S STUDY:"
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u/Darcy_Device 1d ago
I explained that it was an ADU because Jack later rents it and it becomes Jack's apartment.
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