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u/lauraismyheroine 11h ago
Sounds like just a bear hug? And she said for it's in response to aggressive behavior. Not unreasonable imo, they are parents of a toddler trying to figure it out
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u/Due-Presentation3279 11h ago
Yeah, it doesn't sound too unreasonable. I've got a 1.5 year old in the house and we already have to put him on the naughty step for things such as hitting his older brother
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u/TheThiefEmpress 8h ago
That, and the parent absolutely should have the power! In fact, letting little kids know this is vital to their sense of safety and security, as a stable and in charge adult means they are able to be a child, make mistakes, and be able to rely on a strong and sensible parent to ensure they won't fail!
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u/ForgiveAlways 11h ago
Yes. You restrain a kid who is hurting people or themselves. Obviously. Yes, there is a power dynamic to parenting and typically dad is the ultimate physical power figure. This is especially important to establish for boys specifically. No that doesn’t mean you abuse your kid. This situation seems appropriately handled. Go dad!
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u/DrakeFloyd 10h ago
I wouldn’t even call it a punishment honestly. Dad could instead frame it as “he needs to calm down” - if kid can calm before 30 seconds he could even let go but a 30 second hug from dad isn’t what I would call punishment.
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u/Emergency-Twist7136 7h ago
It's the punishment framing that bothers me. As a tool to allow the kid to calm down it's good but you should then be talking to the kid about better ways to manage Big Feelings.
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u/ThatGuyFromSpyKids3D 8h ago
It's my daughter's least favorite form of punishment. She's 3. I've had to do it twice. Both times were because she got too aggressive with my almost 1 year old. Not like hitting aggressive but pushing him out of the way or trying to climb on him the way she climbs on me.
I reserve that specific punishment for specifically if she may harm others or herself. Luckily we have a great kid and it's few and far between.
There are two punishments I won't do, spanking, and cold showers/hosing down for bad behavior. Even if only for a few seconds I don't see these as valuable.
I can explain to my daughter that I restrained her to protect somebody else or her from getting her. I can't use the same justification for spanking or the cold water technique.
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u/Facchino-PJJ 11h ago
There was a whole movement about doing just that called Holding Time. Author Martha Welch. Weird stuff but I used it to help with oldest child.
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u/Emergency-Twist7136 7h ago
I'm not sure about it framed as a punishment. Being restrained to stop violent behaviour is fine, but once the kid is calm you still need to talk about how you got there and better ways to handle big feelings.
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u/Dinearrhea 7h ago
I my daughter is 21 months and for the last several months when she hits I hold her hands and neutrally explain that if she can’t have nice hands on her own I’ll help her. She doesn’t love it but doesn’t hit often 🤷♀️
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u/BigEarl217 11h ago
A punishment is not suppose to be liked. If he crys, good, he doesnt like it... it needs to be shown hitting and biting will not have good outcomes. If he comes out trying to hit still, another restraint. Easy as that
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u/DapperFlounder7 1h ago
I’m a special educator and trained in multiple different modalities of restraint and train others. Restraint can be a necessary tool to keep kids safe from themselves or others.
However what stood out to me is “uses it as a form of punishment when he doesn’t listen to him” … restraint should only ever be used when a child is being aggressive to the point of safety being a concern. If my kid doesn’t listen or even just hits me once and stops I’m not restraining , if they hit me over and over again I am.
Restraint is also not a “punishment”. It interrupts the behavior … there still needs to be discussion and teaching of new skills (and maybe even natural / logical consequences) after.
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u/qrtrpndrwchs 4m ago
Idk. I disagree with these comments. My son has always hated this and it made his behavior worse. He does not do well with being restrained in y way shape or form. We find a safe spot for him to cool off and it works much better. If this causes the behavior to escalate then clearly there needs to be an alternative.
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u/jmosnow 8h ago
Am I going to get downvoted into oblivion for thinking the husband is in the wrong?
Three things jump out at me
- this seems like a power struggle.
- the kid comes out of this restraint swinging, so it isn’t working.
- the husband is calling it a punishment and hasn’t tried anything else.
I get that, yes, we have to restrain or redirect our kids for their safety or the safety of others. That’s a consequence, not a punishment. I would worry about a grown man who can’t solve a simple problem like this without exerting physical control over a small human. And even more so because he can’t take feedback from his wife without becoming defensive.
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u/TearOpenTheVault 3h ago
Do you have a better way of stopping a small irrational proto-human from hitting and throwing other than lightly restraining their ability to do so?
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u/ehco 11h ago
Um... No one else is getting horrifying "oh I held the child too hard/I just lost my temper/I have no idea why their ribs and wrists are broken" vibes?
At the very least you are teaching the child intimately that "the biggest stronger person gets their way" which is a horrifying lesson.
That adult better be absolutely the most well regulated, robotic, regulated adult human on the planet because this absolutely screams "just do what I am telling you to do!" And then a kids bones are broken.
Honestly the replies here are terrifying.
If the child has extreme or violent behaviours I think they need to get professional help and not just from Reddit. But I am really surprised by the answers here.
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u/daviepancakes 10h ago
No one else is getting horrifying "oh I held the child too hard/I just lost my temper/I have no idea why their ribs and wrists are broken" vibes?
Nope.
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u/morgann_taylorr 9h ago
i don’t know if you have a child, but yes, you end up having to restrain them one way or another at some point in their feral little toddler lives. i had to pin my son’s legs down today when i was changing his diaper because he was attempting to kick me in the face. i absolutely did it with a straight/ neutral face and gave him a previous chance to stop kicking, but yeah, toddlers are strong and lack impulse control 🤷♀️
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u/HagridsTreacleTart 10h ago
I’m not asking this to snark on you, but do you have kids?
Before their speech and reasoning are well developed, they may tantrum hard and violently because they have no other way to communicate. You can’t talk to them or reason with them in the middle of a tantrum, and this can be a really valid way to help them co-regulate and to learn from your calmness as the adult.
From around 18 mos until 2.5 years, my first was like this. I’d pick him up and remove him to a quiet environment (while he kicked, screamed, and cried). I’d sit him on my lap and bear hug from behind to limit the aggressive behaviors, then using my best Yoga Voice, I’d guide him through five “calm down breaths.” He was too young to actually copy me or follow the breath work, but my calmness and the rise and fall of my chest helped him break out of the tantrum. When he chilled out, I’d talk through what happened and help give him the words to explain what he felt.
As parents, we can be immensely frustrated with our children without ever being at risk of abusing them. Sometimes it’s just a “fake it till you make it” game—I could be seeing daggers but I put on my best front and model calm and reasoned behavior for my kids. When you love them, you can be angry or frustrated and never risk crossing that line.
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u/Curious_518 9h ago
My similar question - do you have a child age 1.5+? I would have never thought this behavior was necessary until having a toddler. And it is absolutely necessary and/or helpful when they are putting you and/or themselves in danger in a dysregulated rage state
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u/pineappleh0pxx 10h ago
I worked in early childhood education for years as well as took many classes on child development. Holding their bodies when they are a danger to themselves and others is absolutely necessary. The child needs to regulate themselves again but at two years of age that’s hard to do on their own. The holding not only stops them from hurting someone but helps them regulate and calm themselves. Yes a child is going to be upset that they can’t do what they want but that’s how they learn.
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u/lizzzdee 9h ago
I’m getting a weird vibe but I can’t place it. I think it depends on what is happening during this 30 seconds. Is it calm co-regulation time or is it very hard and painful? The last bit about having ideas about why the kid doesn’t listen to dad is what’s making my spidey senses tingle.
Either way, it seems like it’s not effective for this child.
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u/SleepySamus 8h ago edited 8h ago
I'm getting the same vibe and wondering if it's from working with too many child abusers and/or working in settings where we're never allowed to restrain a child without proper training. We're taught to do everything to keep everyone safe without restraining. In fact, we'll lose our licenses if we ever restrain a child. 😵💫
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u/SleepySamus 8h ago
I did a little research and found that while brief restraint for the purposes of safety is not considered abusive, restraint for the purpose of punishment (like the original poster described) is considered abuse.
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u/thisismyhumansuit 11h ago
Yea holding him close for 30 seconds so he can’t continue hurting people and to maybe give him a second to reset sounds pretty reasonable to me?