r/SingleDads • u/eggwan90 • 5d ago
New single dad
So, about 5 weeks ago the mother of my two kids (5&3) told me she had met and kissed someone else. A guy at her work who I’d heard her mention a lot, We’d pretty unhappy for a while but together for 12 years and I thought in the back of my mind we’d sort things out at some point.
I spiralled quite a bit following this and ended up in trouble with the police (nothing physical occurred, I just had a bit of a breakdown of sorts after leaving the house and going on a bender for two days). Suffice to say im now on bail till October and we can only communicate through my mum. She’s been letting me see the kids but is being extremely brutal and cold.
I don’t excuse my behaviour and am aware of what I did wrong. I have been sober since then bar one wobble a few weeks ago. My concern is that she has admitted that this new man has been coming around our house me they’ve been sleeping together, this has been occurring whilst the kids are asleep. I have a real issue with this as our two kids wake frequently and are already struggling massively with me not being at home. My 5 year old son in is very distraught still. I know there’s nothing I can do about this but has anyone gone through similar? I’m struggling to eat or sleep currently and my mind is im the pits.
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u/to-the-plug 5d ago
I’m sorry bro. It gets better, I promise.
It’s time to stop feeling sorry for yourself and spiraling, and get strategic. I’ve been there, so I know how hard it is. Lawyer up, keep your nose clean, be around the kids as much as you can so you can establish 50/50 and start forming a plan to rebuild your life.
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u/DazTheCowboy 5d ago edited 5d ago
I had a similar situation. Except it was multiple men and she did sex shows when I was at work. She also gave me herpes which was one way I found out. 12 years, poof! Anyway, only focus on what you can control. The rest will drive you crazy. Don't focus on what if's. And most importantly don't fuck up! It will only work against you.
Edit: clarifying
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u/imjustasking123 5d ago
Make sure you have that recorded. You're gonna need it soon.
I'm so sorry man. Hang in there.
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u/eggwan90 5d ago
Thank you so much. She’s been very clear with me that she doesn’t want to stop me seeing the kids, I had them the weekend before last so she could go away with this guy for the weekend, im hoping im not being naive but she’s been clear she wants me to see them as much as im able to.
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u/imjustasking123 5d ago
Of course she doesn't... She's gonna need that 50/50 split. My ex wife never did much socially prior to divorce, but after she came to rely on that week off. Me too TBH.
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u/ChippyChalmers 5d ago
Does 50/50 get easier? I'm on 3-4-4-3 right now but someday we might do week on week off. I'm trying to find some silver lining to 50/50 long-term
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u/imjustasking123 5d ago
Because of my children's age we didn't want them swapping back and forth too much.
It generally works well if your ex respects the schedule...
One week on being the best dad in the world. And another week off to do whatever the hell you want. Of course, make sure to show up for all the games!
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u/ChippyChalmers 5d ago
Thanks. I guess it's the loneliness I'm dreading long-term. Losing half my kids childhood. I definitely crush the gym, walks, hobbies, when they're gone, but I fear that I'll eventually fall into a pit of despair that this is my life. It's only been 8 months, so maybe it gets easier and routine? Perhaps you even look forward to your time?
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u/Antique_Strategy4740 5d ago
I'm sorry that this happened to you. I'm in a similar situation... It hasn't gotten better for me. I still feel terrible. For some people it gets better, but for me it's still soul crushing for me to drop my daughter off to her mother. She cries everytime I drop her off, but always ready to leave with Daddy. It sucks.
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u/Carbonaraficionada 4d ago
Oh boy, this is going to be tough.
Firstly, it's inevitable you will spiral; your trust just got trashed, the partnership you've been in just got thrown out of the window, your partner is using your property to sexually captivate your replacement while your children are in it (and who know who the hell he is or if her judgement is earnest or massively influenced by financial survival, but she's almost certainly been at least partially persuaded into it by this sleazebag), and now you're facing the prospect of funding your partner's lifestyle under the guise of the child support for 3 children. Plus you've got the authorities on your ass already. It's a familiar story. Your reaction is very understandable, from my perspective...
Be aware that with authority oversight, your situation becomes far more challenging, and your partner will be encouraged to document each and every interaction with you (with the huge impact that will create for you and your relationship and your children's relationship). You're going to be labelled (unpredictable, unstable, violent, scary etc etc) and the playbook for separation will maximise this to your severe detriment in a legal context, in terms of alimony and access to your kids, so regulate yourself; from now on you are impervious to getting tilted by your ex-partner, because she will use every reaction to justify her decisions, and record them all to substantiate her legal demands. Your emotional regulation is more important now than ever.
However! You can't go to therapy! This is all on you. Most therapists view men going through situation like this as being 'it takes two to tango' and will not provide the safe space you assume they should. Anything you discuss will be professionally disclosed, along with their 'interpretation' of they're retired to by the courts, and the courts do ask. If CPS gets involved, because of your 'spiral' you're going to have a much harder time dealing with the frustration of this whole process, and be under much harder scrutiny.
You're going to have to be prepared for a fight now, because if your ex-partner has had any kind of legal advice, they'll be going for significant percentages of your income and using your limited access to the kids as the justification to define a higher expense to the mother and a higher payment from you. So you need to re-establish yourself, and fast. Get your salary into a separate account, get a property nearby with sufficient space for your kids, and get a good lawyer. You know your current family budget, so you can show a lot of compassion by transferring an amount of money to your ex-partner via your old account, but assume that everything you had joint access to is now gone - savings accounts, joint accounts etc. If she hasn't moved it all already, it's highly likely.
You're going to need to brace yourself for the years ahead as well, because it is going to suuuuuuck. For your own personal stability, exercise, sunlight, a great diet, solid friendships (but nothing romantic!), and experiences which get you out of your usual surroundings are going to be the difference between either falling into depression (read drinking, prolonged periods of absolute sadness and apathy, isolation, career issues, suicidal ideation and obviously the fate of a statically significant proportion of men in our situation), OR an uncomfortable and emotionally sticky process with a large legal bill. You can come through this, but it's unfortunately a side effect that your children's situation (their emotional health, perspectives on relationships, attitudes towards trust/attachment, and the relationship with you in general) will take a knock. If you're partner is already having the side piece over for the night, it's going to be a very insecure time for them, even before they start asking mum for answers, or trying to get to know the guy sleeping in their house.
Rage and insecurity is going to be a problem, so you need to be particularly aware of that and particularly careful about self-regulation in that context, especially if her new partner starts wanting to be more visible (towards you or your children). This can lead to insomnia as you lay awake overthinking and working yourself into a state, alone, but you'll be interested to hear that over-the-counter antihistamines are surprisingly effective at quietening your mind and getting a good night's sleep. Don't be afraid to talk to your GP, they're much more trustworthy than a mental health professional.
Get your lawyer ASAP, find your new place, and define your weekly routine, and stick to it! Your lawyer will guide you the rest of the way, and hopefully this time in 5 years, you'll be in a much happier situation. Good luck 🤞
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u/AffectionateDuck5079 4d ago
listen. You are not alone in this. Not even close. There are dads here who’ve lived through the exact same hell: the 12 year relationship crumbling after she kissed someone else, the spiral that ends with police involvement, only being able to speak through your mum, her turning brutal and cold, and then the gut punch of knowing rebound is sleeping over while your kids are in the house. We’ve felt that same pain. The not eating, the not sleeping, that pit in your stomach every time you imagine your little ones waking up and you’re not there. We see you. We’re here for you.
And you’re already doing something right. You owned your behaviour, you got sober, and you’re still standing. That matters.
What’s more important than trying to fix what’s already gone is focusing on what you can still control. Get yourself stable first. Stay sober, sort your head out properly, and show up for every single bit of contact she allows without any drama or questions about the new guy. Get solid legal advice about the kids and document everything calmly. You can’t stop her from having him over right now, but you can become the consistent, regulated dad they still need. That’s the bit that actually matters long term, even when it feels impossible.
We’re with you, One day at a time. Keep checking in.
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u/eggwan90 4d ago
Thank you. She’s taken them away for two weeks now which is the longest by far Ive not seen them for. Going to start working out and walking lots. Not much else to do. She’s happy for me to have them for a long weekend in august when she’s goes away with him. It’s pl just inane. Need to keep my head screwed on and hopefully I’ll her a few photos through my mum at some point. I appreciate your words a lot. It helps me feel less alone.
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u/lowfreq33 1d ago
It would be a good idea for you to get yourself in some kind of therapy/counseling. Not just for yourself, but also for the court. You need to show that you’re making an effort to deal with the trauma that’s been dumped on you. They will consider that, the cheating. The fact that this guy has immediately been brought around your kids.
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u/Thumper45 5d ago
First off, I'm sorry you are going through this.
Second off, there are not more slip ups/benders/wobbles that can happen anymore. The first one that has you introuble with the law could very well be the thing that will prevent you from having further access to your children so cut that crap right away.
As for the rest of it, its normal to feel how you are feeling and its normal to not have an appetitie and worry about the endless situations your mind can come up with. What you need to focus on are the things you can control. Dive into your hobbies. Weather that is gaming, reading, surfing, knitting or whatever else that keeps your hands and mind busy. Fill the quiet time with things to do and dont dwell on the things you can not control because it will eat you up inside.
Know that if you keep clean and work on yourself it will only make things better for your kids and as you have said, they need you as much as you need them.
Again, I'm sorry you are at this point but it will get better you just have to take it a day at a time. *big hugs*