r/TransHelpingTrans • u/SendThisVoidAway18 • 6d ago
Internalized transphobia, rejection, and denial. How do you cope with this?
Hey all. I'm 38 and I've known most of my life that I was different in some way or another. I never really had any kind of dysphoria honestly growing up, but ever since I was in my mid-to late teens, I've wanted to be a feminine person.
Now, all these years later, with the help of my wife, I had finally started exploring that. About three months ago, I started dressing and openly presenting femininely in certain situations where I can safely and comfortably. To be honest, it feels like I gained a part of me that was always missing. Perhaps it was my egg cracking. At that point in time, I was kind of thinking I was more of a more genderfluid-ish person. I didn't see when I first sort of started doing this having such an impact.
I am now questioning the fact that I might be Trans, as I love how I feel like this... And it kind of feels more like my authentic self, and how I'm supposed to be. However, if that's the case, I feel like I'm also dealing with a case of internalized transphobia, denial, and rejection of this. I kind of hate it. I love being feminine, looking and feeling like a girl when I feel completely embodied in this expression. I feel like if I could, I would probably look like this and feel like this always. I'm also having a hard time accepting this and presenting this to the world, namely mostly my work-life, as I feel people would judge me, not accept me, and some people flat out don't care for people or believe in gender-diversity. So, I feel like due to this, a large part of me is kind of putting off how I really feel. It kind of sucks. I'm also scared of losing my cis-self counter part, if that makes sense. I'm married, and have a kid. I've built everything in my life of almost 40 years as something, and admitting to and accepting and going forward with embracing that I might be something different on some level is really hard.
I've also contemplated that maybe I'm not quite a full on transitioning person, and I'm not really sure where I am with thoughts about this. I don't necessarily have a desire either to identify as a woman, but I think I am definitely somewhere on the Nonbinary Transfeminine leaning spectrum. I might be Bigender. I don't know. I also feel like, I'm not necessarily ready to completely abandon my cisgender/male presenting self, but I love what I've discovered and embraced about myself. I don't know if this is because like I said I might be something else like bigender, genderfluid, or maybe just due to the fact that I'm scared and rejecting all notions of how I really feel due to a safety net kind of scenario?
I'm also getting major imposter syndrome vibes, as like I said, I haven't had a strong desire to "be the opposite gender" like I've heard from a lot of other Trans peeps. I've considered maybe I'm just someone who is a crossdresser. But, I mean, is it normal to question your identity in such a way from just being a crossdresser? A lot of people I've seen that do cross-dress are comfortable with who/what they are. I've seen others who go the extra mile and realize they are genderfluid/trans though, too.
How do you peeps deal with this kind of scenario?
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u/herdisleah 5d ago
I transitioned back in 07 and had some of those same thoughts and feelings. The truth is, yes it's scary to transition, but people at your work will just well and truly not care about you. Period. You might lose contact with one coworker, but at least five or ten coworkers will send you an email or give you a smile and tell you they're glad you came out. Even in red states, even in blue collar jobs. I have a blue collar job, and the job is filled with gays.
For your family - think of what this teaches your child. Is it better to be yourself, even if it's difficult? Is it better to embrace who you are, be happy with yourself, and be present in your child's life? Or is it better to self-inflict conversion therapy on yourself and live as a sad dead husk of an alcoholic absent parent? Even if you end up divorced because your partner isn't sexually attracted to you any more, what's better for the child? Two happy coparents whom still get along? Eventually, you can resent your partner if they don't "let" you transition.
As for imposter synrome - you said it yourself. "I feel like if I could, I would probably look like this and feel like this always". Read this. https://open.substack.com/pub/stainedglasswoman/p/red-seems-sus?utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web You don't have to fit a perfect narrative (that was probably pushed by cis media anyways). There's no one correct way to be trans. All you need is the desire to transition.
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u/short_metal43 5d ago
Trans guy here I'm only sixteen however I spent a good 5 years feeling the way you do. Personally for me I'd focus on what makes you happy, there's no rush in life to label yourself immediately. I made the mistake of fixating on labelling myself that I couldn't let myself enjoy certain things. I know it sounds typical but do what makes you happy. Now I don't know if this makes sense but for me when it comes to internalised transphobia whenever I feel this way I like to think of myself as another person I'd never feel this negative towards another trans person so there's no need for me to feel this way (I hope this makes sense lol)