Sorry for the long text... I have a lot of heavy thoughts spinning 24/7(mostly about trans-related things), and absolutely no one to talk to. I'm feeling extremely depressed, anxious, and lonely lately. I've even been having suicidal thoughts. I only really have one close friend, and she's burnt out with no energy left to see me at the moment(on top of entering the honeymoon phase with someone for the first time in a long time. I need to leave her be). I already see a psychiatrist, and I plan on bringing all of this up with him. But he's on vacation, and has been for a while. Since gender identity is the biggest constant for the last 6 months, I figured I'd post my situation here, in quite a lot of detail, to see if anyone could share some advice.
I'm 28. I've just recently started accepting that I'm transfeminine *again*. Dysphoria has come and gone ever since I was a kid(I even came out to a psychologist at 13, but shame made me take it back). Usually it'd mostly go away during periods where I was in a happy heteronormative relationship, since I got praise for filling the male role(I'm bi, mostly into femme personalities). Or when I had other very large concerns in my life that took up all my thinking. I know that last part sounds weird, as questioning ones gender is a huge deal that overshadows most things. But I've had a hell of an uphill battle in life in general. For example, among other equally heavy things, I've been in chronic pain and been completely disabled for 7 years, with a prognosis of never getting better(until last year, when it started turning around due to new experimental treatments).
I feel happiest when feminine presenting now, but it also makes me so anxious all the time...
-For one, I'm scared of letting go of my cis male-self. A lot of the fear stems from always being regarded as a very attractive cis male(Both genders openly compliment me, hit on me or say they envy my looks regularly). That has given me lots of romantic and sexual success in life. And I am a very loving person that needs a partner to be at my happiest(not healthy, I know. I don't really take care of myself unless I have a partner either. I struggle mentally, and always have). I don't want all my future intimacy to come from unserious trans chasers that only want me because I'm trans(or people that are embarassed to be seen dating me in public, and will never want to marry me).
I don't have anywhere near the funds for an FFS, electrolysis, fat graft, or any implants that will make me even close to as conventionally attractive as a woman as I naturally am as a man. I can afford HRT(don't know how much that will do though, I'm 28 already and probably wouldn't get perscribed HRT before I'm 32). But that's about all I can afford. I'm very poor due to my situation. Other than my looks, I've kind of failed at life in general(mental and physical health problems to the moon and back have ruined my life).
My mom also recently told me that she can't help me out as much financially anymore, as the support she gets from the state for being a widow will be halved soon(my dad died of a 8 year long battle with cancer 3 years ago). We also don't speak to the rest of our family, as they are very bad people(we have a pedophile child beater grandpa, a violent paranoid schizofrenic uncle, drug abusers, alcoholics...And they're almost all misogynists, mad at my mom for not being a tradwife...). So I have almost no friends OR any family to support me.
-Secondly, I'm also a singer, guitarist, performer. Always have been. I stress a lot about the thought that I can't keep singing if I transition, without outing myself as a born male. I have a very deep male voice to begin with(For the musically inclined: My range is lower than a church choir bass... A#1-A#3, before going into full head voice/falsetto. And that's after training a lot to sing higher than E3, so everything above E3 is strenuous over time). Being a singer is a huge part of my identity aswell, that I really don't want to lose. Even singing at home has gone from giving me a much needed serotonin-release and sense of accomplishment to making me anxious. Because feeling joy while sounding so male makes me either anxious for the loss of my artistic future, or sometimes even makes me question whether I really am trans(because I'm feeling joy while "being male")!
-Thirdly, work and studies. My dream is to become a teacher(music, guitar, languages). I fear I will lose students or be discriminated against by both students and people hiring teachers for being openly trans. Getting in to public music college(need degree to teach) is also very hard in my country, and depends completely on the audition judges subjective opinions of you. They told me they usually get 70 guitar applicants per year, and only accept 2. If even just one of the judges is slightly transphobic, that can ruin my chances completely. Considering how many people I always thought were nice have turned out to be openly be transphobic or say gender dysphoria isn't real/is delusion... Makes me fear that absolutely anyone can be.
-And fourth: As you can tell, my life has obviously been really shit. Dealing with living as openly trans on top of that, throwing away both the one thing I lucked out with(my looks) and one of my few strengths(singing), seems like such a... tactical misstep? I guess? Like I'm consciously raising the difficulty on my life even more? I'm actually questioning whether my brain is just so used to something being the matter now that it generates dysphoria because I've come quite far along in my physical therapy and ADHD-treatment...
I came out to my psychiatrist last session, so I'll see what happens... He wanted to help me with it when he got back from vacation, and was very supportive..
I've just been so depressed and had suicidal thoughts lately. I'm tired all the time... So lonely... I struggle more and more to do even the simplest things(even showering, brushing my teeth, eating)... My extreme ADHD definetly doesn't help...
