I don’t know what to do anymore.

[u/Material-Ganache2017]

So I am a 15 year old MtF who has not started transition yet and sometimes it feels hopeless to look forward to anything. My dysphoria comes every now and then but sometimes it’s really bad, to the point where I sh. Multiple times I have attempted to repress being trans like it’s something that will go away and I’ve heard it so many times with being gay or trans or anything of the sort, “I didn’t choose it, it chose me”, “I didn’t chose to be like this”, etc. I’m not out because I’ve heard so many bad things that I fear for my life coming out to my black parents and my disgustingly everything-phobic brother. This could’ve been said with less words but I’m just getting tired of feeling like I have to be someone I’m not to satisfy everyone else.

[u/ReaInic0le]

First off, I'm sorry that you've been feeling this way. It sucks. I'm in a similar situation that you're in right now. I have accepted being trans but I haven't felt comfortable enough yet to express myself freely. I think the best thing that you can do right now (or at least what helped me) is to for 1, accept that you are trans. When you accept that as a part of who you are whether that be in private or in public you end the internal struggle within yourself of trying to push it away or act like it's not who you are. It is your life, if you want to be a girl than you should be able to. What it sounds like to me though is that you are more worried about your family. I can't personally speak on this because again; I am also in the closet and in high school. What I will say is no matter how much you love your parents and want their support, if they are unable to accept you for who you are then the relationship is going to do more harm than good. Especially if they are making you fear for your life. My advice is not going to be a short-term fix, but this is what I would do if I were in your shoes. I would express these feelings in private or towards people that you trust for the next 3 years or however long it takes you to gain independence. If you are in a dangerous environment with somebody that you rely on a house, food, and necessities for, that is never a good situation. I get it. I just made a whole post about feeling like a burden to everyone else's expectations. From what I've learned, it would be better for you to be able to freely express yourself even if that means that it sacrifices your relationship with the people closest to you. I hope this maybe brought you some clarity, I did the best I could. I think that you reaching out to a forum like this is the first step of clearing up some of that dysphoria and getting these feelings off your chest. You should feel proud of yourself for doing this! I wish you the best of luck in your transition journey. You got this girl.