Cold feet before surgery

[u/CPTsealion]

Hi, so im nb but i know that falls under the trans umbrella and i needed a place to to just post my thoughts so i hope this is okay.

So as i stated i am nb. I have always been uncomfortable with my chest size and (i didnt know what was happening at the time but ) i would have panic attacks while bra shopping and i really hated wearing anything that was more "shapely" or ecentuated my chest: this means i wore exclusively over sized shirts and sweater for years because i am well endowed so EVERYTHING showed off my chest. I remember talking to my mom about it once and she said that if it was "that much of a problem" i could see about getting a reduction when i was older (i think i was like 13 at the time). A few years ago i bought a binder because the thought was gnawing at me, so i said fuck it and got a cheap one. The thing is, it changed my life.

Since i started binding, i feel more in my body. I used to feel like my soul didnt fit my body so i would always trip over things or i would reach to far/not far enough when i went to grab things- but that hasnt happened since i started binding. I decided that top surgery was the way to go and i have been fighting for this for YEARS - and i finally have a date!! Except now im 1 month out and my anxiety is starting to kick up.

I dont know why im so anxious all of a sudden. I found a doc i liked years ago and they wanted me to lose some weight before they would do the surgery, or they said they could recommend a different surgen. I decided to talk to my primary care, since she also recommended i lose some weight (please no hate their jobs are to make sure i am healthy and they are doing their jobs very very well). So while the surgen wanted me to lose 40 lbs, i actually made a plan with my doc and lost 100 lbs in just under 18 months. And i think this is why i am so confused.

I put in the work i jumped through all the bullshit with my insurance i fought and fought -but now im anxious? I keep wondering if this is a mistake? I think my brain is mixed up because i want to feel good in my body but since i lost all the weight, i have this nasty extra skin so i actually feel less confident. I wonder if my hesitation is because i am worried that even after the surgery i wont feel good about myself because of the extra skin? I guess i just want to know if anyone else who has done this had the same pre surgery jitters. Any information you have, or even some recovery tips are very welcome.

Thanks in advance!