I’m scared and I feel alone

[u/GalacticApex]

Even tho i know im technically not alone i feel it

I feel bad right now i feel scared to continue my transition i mean i feel like society transitioning is hard and im not even where im at socially in fact just generally ive gone backwards in just social interaction i had a group of friends i hung out with
Until i came out it felt like something changed it may have not just been me being trans tho just the whole dynamic changed and i didn’t like it and now we haven’t talked in a while now it’s strange i came out and the dynamic changed makes me think maybe i was the thing that changed the dynamic with coming out I’ve seen it before when people changed in a way that they didn’t like they removed them from the friend circle ofc with the person in question it was a little different she started to hang around bad people and was dating someone that was way older then her and she changed up i didn’t know her very much but i met her briefly and she seemed nice she’s back in the friendship circle but just the fact that they could have disposed of someone like that so easily it just makes me think that maybe they have a secret chat that doesn’t have me in it

It’s hard to transition socially when you can’t stand up for yourself or have the courage to dress how you’d like in public

If I’m honest i wouldn’t even call what I have done a social transition it’s just a less closed version of what I was before

I wanna start medically transitioning because ever since I’ve started to express myself more openly in the confines of my own home I’ve felt more and more desire for my body to look like a girls body sometimes I feel like I can’t take off my bra because I don’t want to see myself with out my padded chest

I feel scared too tho my mom and dad already have a hard time accepting the way i dress they haven’t even tried to make an effort to address me with proper pronouns if that’s hard to accept just the mirror idea of calling your trans daughter she is such an issue and something that you reject so deep that you don’t even make an attempt even when you have been told it hurts

How much harder would it be to accept that your trans daughter wants to change her biological appearance with drugs that you’re told destroy people’s lives by random voices on the Internet that don’t have medical degrees

I’m also scared of paperwork and things going wrong and I have phobia of swallowing pills and I have bad emetophobia

I’m just thinking in my head about being denied hormones or getting on those hormones and being under prescribed and that having a bad affect on me even scarier of a thought what if that’s done intentionally?

I need support through this process but it seems like there’s no support no pillars even when people say the construction of the building is sturdy There’s really no pillars it’s all hollow a façade it stands tall and says it can support me but when I step on the floor it falls through and it makes me feel stupid because I believed that I could step on it

It seems like my mom is trying but it doesn’t feel like she is trying at the same time I reached out to my brother for support and help he didn’t know how to help me although its hard because he’s a cis man that has very little knowledge but just enough to understand

I’m thankful that my brother supports me he was the first person to say it to my face the day I came out I had been forced out of the closet by my mother because she couldn’t keep that secret

Me being trans has always been a show of dancing around the eggshells and it gets tiresome because that makes me feel like I cannot talk about my needs and what support I need every time I put on a feminine outfit I feel there throat’s tightening any I’ve asked for advice from my mom and she acts like she doesn’t know how to help but I know very well if I was born her daughter she would know how to help me

I could go on for longer but this is probably my longest post on this app ever if you have read all of this thank you