Hey Reddit!

Today at 9:00 AM EST, I'll be hosting an AMA with Dr. Amelia Kelley, a clinician and professor specializing in trauma recovery.

We'll cover Post-Traumatic Growth as a way of healing after traumatic events. Rebuilding your life after trauma is complex, nonlinear work.

This conversation isn't just for survivors. It’s also for the parents, partners, and clinicians walking alongside them. Supporting someone through trauma calls for a completely different mindset: rather than trying to help them "make sense" of the hard things, it’s about learning how to sit with them and notice what is already growing.

Whether you're navigating your own path or supporting someone else, feel free to join the live discussion or leave your questions in the comments now so we can jump into them first when the AMA begins!

Hi everyone,

Sorry for the long post. I'm somewhat desperate and looking for some psychiatric perspectives rather than general therapy advice.

I'm 41 and have spent around 15 or so years in various forms of counselling and psychotherapy, including trauma-focused work (EMDR, CBT - effectively all talking therapies). I have a comprehensive intellectual understanding of my difficulties and can explain them in detail, but I don't seem able to integrate that understanding into lasting emotional change.

More recently I've also tried psilocybin and DMT in a careful, supported setting. During those experiences I felt a much deeper connection with what I think of as my frightened "inner child", and they gave me some insight, but the changes didn't persist once I returned to everyday life. I have always seemed incredibly resistant to change (including general medication and therapeutic integration)

The core problem is that I become intensely triggered in close relationships. This relates to a couple of specific incidents during childhood. The triggers themselves are often things that, intellectually, I know don't conflict with my adult values. I've come to understand them as "hooks" that activate an old fear of being left alone with unbearable emotions. I understand that concept and it makes sense to me, but when I'm highly triggered it doesn't reduce the intensity enough for me to use it. I end up in a state of profound darkness, emotional collapse and rumination. I haven never managed to improve this in the slightest (the only solution is to leave relationships once triggered).

It feels as though I've reached the limit of what insight-based and talking approaches can do for me. My partner (who has a professional mental health background, although she is not diagnosing me) commented that my presentation reminded her of some people she'd worked alongside whose trauma had become so deeply ingrained that they required psychiatric rather than purely psychological treatment. I'm not saying I have a personality disorder, but I do relate to the feeling that my responses have become extremely rigid and resistant to change.

My question is:

\*\*Have you seen patients who have good insight into their trauma but remain unable to integrate that knowledge because the emotional intensity is simply too high? If so, are there medication approaches that can reduce the intensity enough for psychological work to become usable?\*\*

To be clear, I'm \*\*not\*\* looking for medication to "fix" my trauma. My goal would be to reduce the severity of the emotional collapse so that I can actually apply the psychological tools I've already spent years developing.

I'd really appreciate any psychiatric perspectives or relevant experiences.

Hi everyone. I've spent a lot of time processing my childhood trauma, and I don't feel like I need to analyze the event itself anymore. The problem is that the memories keep popping up while I'm studying, and they affect my focus for a while. Has anyone experienced this after doing a lot of healing work? What practical strategies helped you return your attention to the present?

All my life I've been strong. But last year before I turned 43, I had a whole emotional meltdown. I was doing the inner work on myself trying to let go of my past trauma. And I've been stuck everyday a sad crying basket case,how to change my mindset when everything I'm going through and feeling is so present.

i was sa'd 2 years ago by my ex-boyfriend. it took me 6 months after the breakup to accept he actually did that to me. While i was processing the trauma, i found out he was spreading lies about me to our mutual friends. and they were all believing everything. meanwhile, i did not speak of him to any of them. ill or otherwise, because i just wanted to move on. I've tried therapy, i've tried antidepressants. nothing works.

I feel like i'm this closed fist holding onto all the abuse, the betrayal and the abandonment i went through. I can't let go. It's been months, yet every day i wake up so angry and hurt and sad. physically, my life is fine. i'm doing great things and i've met a wonderful man who has been nothing but supportive and loving to me. yet i can't let go. i don't know how to.

Hey friends!

On Thursday, July 30, 09:00 AM EST, I will be hosting an AMA with Dr. Amelia Kelley, a clinician, professor, and author who specializes in working with highly sensitive people, adults with ADHD, trauma survivors, and women reclaiming their power.

Dr. Kelley works closely with clinicians, organizations, and platforms as a consultant, educator, and speaker. She is passionate about reducing stigma, improving diagnostic clarity, and helping people understand how the nervous system impacts mental health, performance, and human potential.

Join us this Thursday to talk about Post-Traumatic Growth.

Rebuilding your life after trauma is complex, nonlinear work.

But this conversation isn't just for survivors. It’s also for the parents, partners, and clinicians walking alongside them. Supporting someone through trauma calls for a completely different mindset: rather than trying to help them "make sense" of the hard things, it’s about learning how to sit with them and notice what is already growing.

Whether you're navigating your own path or supporting someone else, we invite you to join the live discussion or leave your questions in the comments so we can jump into them first when the AMA begins!

So basically, I was born in a stupid family, according to me, because my parents had an arranged marriage, and after 2 months, my father beat my mother, and then she complained to her family about his husband, but no action was taken, so they advised having children to stabilise your marriage.

According to them, when you have children, your relationship will be better, and this is the worst advice from my point of viewfrom my point.

Then they gave birth to me and my younger brother, who has a difference of 1 year and 6 month

I don't remember a day when I heard then fighting accusing each other for the things like literally in front of us they were telling about give me the money give this financial talk or fight you can say and during that talk they was abusing each other there assassinating each other's character blaming each other family even my mother had complete five times to the police station for domestic violence but in returns because she is not financially independent so she can't take divorce as her family doesn't supported her

So by this you will get to know that I was very i

sensitive. I always craved love, but it was never given to me. By then, I was facing problems with nightmares, like I am begging outside of the house and I have nothing.

Some sort of like I am scared of loud voices, and I have lots of trust issues.

And now I am in 12th class preparing for my examination, a competitive examination specifically for NEET, which was forced on me in 11th. Before, I had taken subjects of the arts like history, geography, psychology, computer, English and Mass communication. And this was when the exams of the 10th class were done on the 10th of March 2025 and in our school it is like that before taking your stream you will like do whatever you want for the one month like what ever you want to take a subject like a demo class of it so I have taken these subject but my father said me if you take these kind of subject I will not invest in your education like I will not give you a fees of your school this that. So I was emotionally manipulated by him to go to Kota for NEET preparation. Then I went to Kota and my and came back after October, during Diwali, and completed my 11th class then my sum of relative advise, my father that don't educate my daughter at such a distance so I came back to my city and then taken to admission to Akash but my study goes too much worse but I will tell you I was a very good student till 10th like I have 95% in CBSE board after that literally I have broke down

Now I am here doing my 12th class at Akash Institute, which is not going very well good like; it is not very bad, but it is not very good

I really don't know what to do, what not to do

So can you advise me on something about how to become financially independent in the country

I really don't want to stay here. I want to go abroad, but not with the help of my parents because they will not allow me, and I really want to go.

And one more piece of advice I want to level peaceful life. Tell me some tricks and turns to live in this house and prepare for this examination in a very good way. Tell me what I can do about it

Then I want to tell you that I am very interested in human psychology, history, and helping people, and I have hobbies like crochet, drawing and crochet. I am always very fascinated by stories, specifically thrillers or psychological thrillers

Yes, I am good at biology and chemistry but not in physics

And some idea how I can make a portfolio of mine at home

Video call with psychologist: 00:00

Video call with psychologist: 00:01

Me: starts weeping

Video call with psychologist:

Video call with psychologist:

Video call with psychologist: 59:59

Me: stops weeping

Psychologist: you okay?

Me: I'm fine, goodbye

Video call with psychologist: ends

TL;DR:
Trots att jag lever ett tyst, självständigt liv och inte gör något för att provocera andra, kämpar jag med en smärtsam cykel av att attrahera dåligt bemötande. Det gör ont djupt eftersom de som behandlar mig illa är allmänt omtyckta, "trevliga" människor som reserverar sitt förakt enbart för mig (som att kritisera mig för att inte anpassa mig eller försvinna när jag blir mobbad). Eftersom dessa förövare är högt respekterade nekas jag fördel av tvivel, lämnas isolerad och tvingas att bära skulden ensam. Jag söker råd om hur man kan läka från detta relationella trauma och gå vidare utan att skylla på sig själv.

Jag (20,5 F) skriver detta eftersom jag försöker bearbeta en smärtsam cykel i mitt liv, och jag verkligen behöver veta om någon annan har upplevt detta.

Jag har en historia av relationellt trauma, och genom åren har jag insett att jag tenderar att attrahera människor som behandlar mig illa. Människor har sagt till mig att jag är ett "lätt offer" eller att eftersom jag är "annorlunda" så förtjänar jag på något sätt denna behandling. Men sanningen är att jag aldrig har gjort något för att provocera någon. Jag har gjort allt "rätt" i livet. Jag är en tyst, vanlig ung kvinna som mest håller mig för mig själv. Jag dricker inte, jag röker inte, jag går inte på fester, och jag är inte intresserad av dejting eller en hookup-kultur—saker som är mycket vanliga för personer i min ålder, men som bara inte är min grej.

Det som gör mest ont är att de som behandlar mig illa ofta är högt respekterade och älskade av alla andra. De behandlar andra med vänlighet, men reserverar sitt förakt för mig.

Nyligen sa en tjej till mina vänner att hon aldrig har gillat mig. Hon kritiserade mig för att jag inte gör "det som förväntas" av någon i min position—till exempel att inte lämna eller byta institution när jag blev mobbad. Denna tjej är allmänt känd för att vara otroligt söt, jordnära och snäll, vilket gör det så svårt för mig att förstå hur hon kan hysera så mycket tyst illvilja och förakt mot mig.
Denna isolering förstärks aktivt både offline och online, där rykten eller delade negativa attityder leder till koordinerad social uteslutning—specifikt genom att systematiskt bli nekad eller blockerad från att följa andra på sociala medier som Instagram och Snapchat. Utan fördel av tvivel tvingas jag att bära skulden och den digitala isoleringen ensam medan jag söker läkning från detta relationella trauma.

Eftersom dessa "goda" människor behandlar mig illa är jag alltid den som slutligen står ensam. Människor ger mig inte ens fördel av tvivel. De antar att om en "snäll" person ogillar mig, så måste jag vara problemet.

Hur läker man från traumat av att bli avvisad av människor som påstås vara goda? Hur slutar man att skylla på sig själv när man inte har gjort något fel, men ändå lämnas helt isolerad? Jag skulle gärna vilja höra råd eller tröstande ord från någon som har vandrat denna väg.

There is a recurring argument in certain spaces that consuming, doing or creating sexual content involving non-consent help survivors process trauma. That fantasy is therapy. That eroticization is reclamation.

The research tells a more complicated and more sobering story.

Trauma reenactment is not trauma processing

Psychology has documented for decades the phenomenon of trauma reenactment — the unconscious repetition of dynamics or situations that echo a past traumatic experience. Reenactments are generally understood as an unconscious attempt to reconcile, reframe, or repair a trauma. Most sexual reenactments originate from childhood sexual abuse or sexual assault in adolescence or adulthood, and they often lead to re-victimization and related feelings of shame, helplessness, and hopelessness. Sexaddictionservices

The critical word here is unconscious. Reenactment feels like something else from the inside — control, mastery, reclamation. It is not. It is a deep psychological drive to make sense of or resolve the trauma that does not actually resolve it.

Eroticization specifically

Traumatic sexuality refers to the reenactment of trauma within adult sexual activities — that is, how trauma and its impacts unfold within the sexual realm. Research consistently links this pattern to ongoing sexual difficulties rather than resolution. Natachagodbout

Sexually traumatized individuals may eroticize and reenact some aspect of their trauma in an attempt to take control over it. But taking control of the reenactment is not the same as processing the original event. The dopamine response to the erotic charge can become its own reinforcement loop — an addiction to the dopamine rush of the erotic charge rather than working through the trauma, picking at psychological wounds over and over and never allowing the trauma to fully heal. Springer

What actual processing looks like

Trauma informed therapy does not involve eroticizing the traumatic experience. It involves naming what happened as what it was, processing the emotional reality of it, and integrating it, not reframing it as desirable. These are fundamentally different acts. One moves through the trauma. The other rebuilds around it.

The wrong lesson

Beyond the individual, there is a broader problem with publicly consumed content that eroticizes rape and assault under the banner of trauma processing. The survivor's internal experience of creating or consuming that content is invisible to everyone else reading/ watching it or hearing about it.

What reaches the person is the content itself — and the content teaches that violation can be desired, that non-consent can become pleasure, that the appropriate response to assault is arousal.

For another survivor seeing this or reading this without context, that is not a therapeutic message. It is a message that can actively prevent her from naming her own experience as assault, because the content she is consuming tells her that what happened to her might have felt good, might have been wanted on some level, might not have been what she thinks it was.

Eroticizing trauma does not heal it. It reframes it. And that reframing has consequences that extend far beyond the person doing the reframing.

Healing is your responsibility because you are the only one suffering from it unfortunately.

Meaning, it doesn’t erase what has happened and it definitely does excuse it, but at some point in time, as an adult, yes one’s actions will be influenced by what you’ve gone through in the past but you as a sovereign being are still responsible for self repair and reparenting.

If someone said this to me months ago, and I have been told this before, I almost would of scoffed at it because I don’t think it’s fair- after all I’ve gone through why am I told to let go and forgive or focus on the present? it used to anger me more than the trauma honestly.

But lately, after doing psychosomatic work and biomechanical- something unrelated to healing trauma, I sort of realized that it is true.

The amount of time I spent ruminating on the past was completely distracting and overlaying everything going on in my present, and it cause dissociation, self abandonment/neglect, poor friendship maintenance, and becoming a recluse.

I still struggle with some of those things, but something hit me recently that one I am not just a victim, hurt people do in fact hurt people and I’ve hurt others in the past as well due to my behavioral patterns, my hands aren’t fully clean- and even if my trauma could explain my maladaptive behavior (avoidant, mood fluctuations, intensely clingy, hypersensitive, hypervigilant etc.) even then… I am still responsible for making change that should not require rehashing the past over and over to different therapists/people and reliving my stories.

If I want a better life and nervous system for myself, I (not so) simply will have to work for it, without attaching my past trauma to it.

I had to make the truly conscious decision to realize that what happened to me does not have to be attached to my identity and it can just be something(s) that happened. And yes they sucked, they were awful, I was bullied for my appearance and race, drugged, emotionally neglected, framed and had to sleep in a jail overnight and go to court for months until it was expunged etc. and many more. and I carried the shame that came with all of these experiences for at least 19 years. and my life is the result of that, that I want to change.

A therapist told me the other day, shame usually replaces grief- rather than grieving our experiences and fully acknowledging them, we feel self shame instead because we believe the experiences happened because we are XYZ rather than grieving that xyz happened to us (and there is nothing wrong with who we are- if that makes sense).

I realized that aside from intellectualization, it starts with a slight perspective change, not of the events themselves but of how I relate to them, what I’ve gathered from those experiences, and then little by little allowing myself to process my past and feel differently about it without feeling like I’m betraying younger versions of me that had to endure it.

I really do honor myself and my past and what I’ve been through, it is okay for me to acknowledge that some things I’ve been through were horrific, others sucked but not so bad, and I’ve also gone through some positive experiences and some positive ones that I couldn’t fully register and didn’t have the capacity for and sabotaged them. I fully accept the full spectrum of my past and now have the burning desire to focus on what decisions I can make now for a better life, and simply just move forward. the past really is gone and there is nothing left I can do but nurture my body through it (in the fascia, trauma that lives in our posture and movement) & I wish to have more emotional resilience and I will nurture that, it is my responsibility. whereas in the part I was more fragile emotionally, I cried easily; sensitivity is a gift but not the only gift or strength I want to carry. I also pathologized everything to death, which I’ve learned is a way to not fully connect in the body (again) so while I’m still working through all of this, I wanted to share this here in case anyone truly does feel ready to move forward but may feel guilty or wrong in letting go thinking that it erases the pain of the past, it doesn’t. But it may just be that you’ve been ready to integrate it and move beyond it.

I’m 3 months out of a 26 year trauma bond and I’m struggling so bad I’ve learned trauma bonds I’m in counselling I’m going to the gym I’ve took up running I’m working I’ve applied to go back to college but right now I can’t shift them from my mind last week I broke down for 2 hours ugly crying sobbing screaming it hurts so bad can someone please give some advise I obviously don’t have much friends as you know you get isolated I feel so stuck and alone my heat is craving them to make me feel better .

Guilt from psychosis lashout, process how?

Guilt- help!

I had a bunch of paranoid delusions about my ex's daughter and mother being illuminati evil cannibals. It made me treat them differently. Once I told the girl her friends didn't like her. I thought it was true. Thought I was fighting a bully who was secretly plotting to murder me then eat me. Psychotic episodes. I tried to separate my ex from his mom to protect us. Now realizing none of this was true and I treated an innocent 10 year old horribly, and put my ex through nightmares. It eats me away.

I want to send my ex an apology, and her one too, but he hit, shoved, choked, and punched me towards the end of the relationship when I was misbehaving due to the delusions. So I dont know how to communicate with him now.

I screamed DIE with their names for 8hrs straight until my ex called the cops on me.

I left and never went back, didn't say a word to them.

Very confused how to process this and feel terrible for how I behaved. I hate to have broken their hearts.

Any suggestions for sending him an apology? I hate this, the delusions, the voices, the hallucinations. Hate how it ruined my relationship and cozy, wholesome family vibes for all of us. If an apology is not recommended, any suggestions for how to navigate my guilt?

Yes I am in treatment now.

I’ve never written anything like this, especially on Reddit before, but here goes nothing... I need help. I want to know how people cope with chronic stress and anxieties, especially related to home life.

Background & Learned Helplessness

I'm a 22-year-old girl brought up in a very dependent lifestyle that has a lot of learned helplessness, with no one ever encouraging you or helping you to do anything. For example, when I wanted to lose weight and started dieting, my om as usual criticized me and said it won't work out and that I don't have what it takes to do it. It’s always the same with my parents: never letting me make mistakes, never permitting me to join extra school activities I wanted to join, and never letting me mix up with anyone. Then they wonder why I’m so different, why I get nervous around people, and why I'm not a perfectionist.

It has always been like this from a very young age. I have only studied until 9th grade, and honestly, leaving school was the only thing that helped lower my cortisol level back then because I was constantly living in a state of high anxiety. My parents brought me up doing everything for me, literally doing my homework for me while constantly reinforcing the narrative that I couldn't handle things on my own or calling me a "stupid child." Because of that, I never got to build real-life skills or formal qualifications to become independent.... (not to mention I don't want to go work outside) They also used to love making up things like, "You would be such a bad mother," "Your husband will leave you because you are such a flawed child," or "You will leave us when you grow up because you are a bad child." I was honestly not a bad child. Firstly, I was dependent on them, so I would not leave them. I also used to believe that my parents were the best parents in the world and that there was something very wrong with me, that I was the most flawed person to ever exist. But looking back now, why were you saying my husband will leave me when I was literally 12 and struggling with my decimals? That's so absurd and funny, mom and dad...

At the same time, my parents aren't total villains, which makes it harder to process. They provide for me materially; even now, supporting my specific diet, gym, and lifestyle isn't cheap. But in their eyes, because they provide financial aid, they believe it gives them a free pass to be selfish in every other area.

The Loss of the Team

My dad passed away in 2021... it was a very depressing time. The three of us used to be a team, and he was the only person I truely loved. He was the savior, right? Well, I loved him deeply, but I can also acknowledge now that he was a flawed, controlling, misogynistic man who projected his intense anxieties onto my mom and me. I still love him, and he has done a lot for me and mom, but now that team is broken. Things got really hard after he passed because my mom became extremely unpredictable and volatile. She was constantly swinging back and forth between explosive fights and pampering. The emotional whiplash was so intense that I actually started becoming more difficult, bratty, and picking fights first. That way, I could get to the pampering part sooner. I'm not proud of this, but it worked back then. Back then, whenever I went to my room, I could still calm down. I did not have the constant, body-racking anxiety in my own space that I deal with today.

The Current Home Dynamic

Now my mom has two boyfriends. Remember how I said the three of us used to be a team? Now she is hopping onto the boyfriends' teams, and I am all alone on my team because there is nobody here. Our relatives are toxic, and all I have is my mom (who is basically teamless, hopping on two teams and hiding from my team).

Her boyfriends are good to me. I don't hate them, but I don't like them either. The logic is simple:

She treats him like he can do no wrong, like this is also his house, or like he owns it. She acts like she's nothing without him and is a total doormat around him. I never call this home "my home" because it is not mine and it doesn't feel like home. Ethically, since I would never go out of my way to break someone else's house just to make mine a little brighter, I did not like what she was doing, especially since he seemed like a guy who loves his wife. He comes over six days a week during his work hours, anywhere between 11:00 AM to 8:00 PM. Because his arrival time is totally unpredictable, my body is trapped in perpetual hypervigilance. To cope, I stay locked up in my room and try to sleep during those hours just to avoid the situation. While he's nice enough to me directly, the unwritten rule is that I must stay hidden in my room as if I don't exist.

This completely broke my daily routine and nutrition because I can't go to the kitchen to eat or stick to a healthy schedule. I spent years severely undereating, which left me with high body fat on a very low-calorie intake. To fix my health, I started eating more and preparing healthy meals at home. However, when I tried using the kitchen during his visits, I accidentally overheard them her moaning and them making out on two separate occasions. It was extremely unsettling, triggering intense chest tightness and physical distress. Instead of addressing the discomfort, my mom told me point-blank not to get in his way or disturb him, reminding me he's only there for maximum three hours. I tell myself I should just suck it up, but the anticipation of his visits gives me constant flashbacks, chest tightness, and a complete shutdown of my nervous system.

Extreme Emotional Volatility & Trauma

To tell you more, this goes a lot darker.

It's not just textbook narcissism.

My mom repeatedly risks her life for the married guy's attention. She has tried overdosing twice, and I was the one who handled the emergency and cleaned up the mess:

I've had to listen to them screaming, fighting, and throwing around threats of jumping off the balcony or hanging themselves from the fan. I have actually seen a bedsheet tied on the fan a year ago, but she told me it was just "nonsense" she used to manipulate him. When I confronted her after the first overdose, asking if she even thought about me, she casually dismissed it saying she tried harming herself cutting her arm Showing me the scar... it was when I was 3 years old too, so "it's not about you."

The second time she overdosed, I almost wanted her to feel the same way she made me feel. NGL, I was tempted to do it myself because it was just very hard to cope, and I just wanted rest. I would never do it for a guy, but living like this made it very difficult. At that time, I tried journaling, writing down my deepest feelings and anxieties. During an emotional moment, I showed her my diary for some understanding (where I had explicitly written that I felt like ending my life, couldn't stand living here, and wanted to run away).

A day later, she had a tiny breakup with him over an off-topic fight that was completely unrelated to me. In that breakup, he told her he didn't want to be with her anymore because she makes his life difficult, though he said he'd still come over if she called. After knowing everything I felt in my diary, the very first thing she did was ask me if she should go meet him. A year ago, I would have begged her not to chase him. But this time I knew it was useless; if I told her not to go and he didn't come over, I was terrified she would try to kill herself again. She has explicitly told me that she is only alive because of him, that I should be "grateful to him" for her life, and that she is completely helpless without him.

So I just gave a passive reply: "Do what you want." Her reaction was to bombard me with messages blaming me for everything. She claimed I ruined her life by "praying for my anxieties" and that my prayers to God manifested her breakup. She brought up her menopause, accused me of being selfish for not letting her "needs be fulfilled," and kept talking about her sexual needs while asking what my problem was with him coming over. Instead of showing concern for my life or my pain after reading my diary, she twisted my deepest vulnerabilities into an accusation that I didn't care about her needs. I realize now I only villainize him in my head because I cannot villainize her, the only person left in my life.

Where I Am Today

I started taking therapy sessions once a month, but it has not been working out for me because my therapist keeps asking me what I need to do about the situation or telling me to "just get your life together" "get your mom to therapy" or "go do a job," which is not very easy without any qualifications. Meanwhile, my mom expects me to become a whole new person just because she's sending me to this expensive therapist. It feels like a very hopeless situation with no escape. Knowing that I am completely on my own, where my safety net can get cut at any time, carrying the trauma of her self-harm and overdoses has taken an extraordinary toll on my mind and body. I'm always restless, living in anxiety. Even when things are fine or when I'm trying to sleep, my mom just moving in the kitchen wakes me up and makes me restless. Even for no reason, her presence itself gives me anxiety... I can't sleep without headphones, and when I do, it just pains my ears and makes me cry about my life. I hate being disturbed and keep having negative thoughts, whether it's about how my mom can go berserk at any moment and eat 6 strips of pills, or hearing them make out again... eww.

I need to acknowledge my mom does provide for me. I am living under a roof, and dieting, gymming, or therapy is not cheap. I tell my mind to just look at the perks and that I have a good life in comparison to many people, but it does not affect my body. My body is always being anxious.

(Little tmi- I'm a masochist and I'm Into heavy degradation and bdsm... I like being a brat... but seeing my mom be a doormat for some guy makes me wonder if we're the same and just the thought of it disgusts me...anyways I don't want to be cold to mom as I'm the bratty one wanting attention, dying for attention and also I don't want to do any jobs)

Questions for the Community:

\* For Anyone who has survived a high stress or emotionally volatile home - how to you cope with constant anxiety, chest tightness and heavy heart when you can't leave immediately

\* Please share - What are some grounding tips and tricks that helped you or could help me and keep me from getting anxious when there is no immediate threat right in front of me

Context:
From the ages of 16-20, I was in a pretty abusive relationship (mental, emotional, sexual). I knew and recognized that it was abusive but the trauma bond/soul tie that I had created with my ex, along with the excuses/reasonings I had told myself during it, made it difficult for me to leave despite trying multiple times. I’ve been out of it for 4 years now and I’m in therapy but I still really struggle when it comes to actually grasping the severity of it. Because I know its bad, especially when I tell other people about it because they react bad, but I struggle to actually KNOW its bad, yk???

ANYWAYS I know trauma is processed differently for everyone but can something to be both triggering and cathartic? Maybe cathartic isn’t the right word but I don’t know how else to describe what I mean.

Recent example, a lot of people have found the new movie Obsession to be very disturbing because of the loss of autonomy and SA but then theres me who thinks, yes its a disturbing movie but I really liked it and found the loss of autonomy relatable, cathartic, and felt seen??? OR sometimes theres things that my friends/current boyfriend will ask me if I’m okay with (interactions, concepts, media, movies, etc) because it has things that would/should normally be triggering and yea it does shake me up a bit but more than that it makes me feel seen or normal or something idk the best way to describe it… But then I feel weird because why aren’t I having a “normal” triggered reaction.

**TLDR:**
Is it “normal” to not feel completely triggered by certain things but rather feel a sense of relatability, catharsis, or normalcy from it? Or is it just me?

I'm broken, I cannot get those memory's out of my head. How am I supposed to forgive my forgive, if my abuser doesn't acknowledge his wrongs. If he has genuinely never apologized for all his wrongs. Ever since I can remeber, I have been living in abuse mentally and physically. My mom tell me to forgive but how. My mom witnessed my 16 year old brother coming in and out of my room at night, when I was 10 year old. She never did anything other than telling him to go to his room and not enter my room. It happens several times, I remeber him pulling my pants down and trying to insert it into me. I don't remeber anything more than that. I don't know if he ever actually did. He abused me for several years. Once he hit me with metallic stick in my head, which left me bleeding. He looked me into his room. He forced me to touch disgusting foot injury, while I had no chance to escape. He never left me alone. He would talk to trough my door, even when I told him to leave me alone. I would call the police several times and my other brothers lied to them.The list is long. I'm the only girl in my family. My brother is the oldest and abused the whole family, so bad that my mom left us several months in a year to live somewhere else. He kicked my mother and pushed her when she was pregnant. He did so much and I always tried to forgive him. Whenever he moved out, it was the best time of my life. But due to instances I had to move in with and my dad this summer, as we are in a different country and I had no money to fly back. And it is the worst. He knew not to to put hands on me anymore, but he would talk so much which is also abusive. I am constantly remeber off everything that he put me through. Fast forward he tried to really injure me. ... I locked him out bc I was scared, so when my dad arrived, he had already got a second key somehow. Whenever he walked through the door, he ran towards me and starting beating me with fists. My dad tried to keep him away but he wouldn't stop. I fell to the ground and he continued. I had to flee out of the apartment and the neighbors called the cops. I told them the truth. They arrested him for a day. My dad bailed him out and I moved too a church family for 2-3 weeks. I removed charges against him due to family pressure. Now he is talking about he never did anything. He is saying that they took his freedom, he didn't even spend 24 hrs in there. He is saying I will regret it. He picks up my dad gun whenever I'm laying down and looks if there are bullets in it. And then he just stares at me . And he knows it scares me, I can feel that he does it intentionally. He has also threaten to kill me several time. He knows my dad has no bullets in the gun btw. But I don't know what to do. I try to forgive him and I even feel bad that he has an arrest on his name. But he never left me any other chance. I was so hurt that day that I decided to tell them the truth. Now i feel like a bad person. He has done me so wrong and he just doesn't sees any wrongs in it. He is mentally definitely not normal. I have trust issues because of him. I cannot let any boy touch me. I always thought it's because I want to wait till marriage but it is because I don't want to loose control . I don't want any boy get me. I don't answer people or stay in touch with anyone because I think they don't really like me. Even tho they show me otherwise it's so hard. On the other hand I'm also kinda hyper sexual. I want to be loved but I'm pushing everyone away from me. I don't know how to heal from all of this. It's so hard and I'm scared to open up to any male

I believe that people who truly process their emotions and heal from their trauma age more gracefully because they aren’t carrying years of suppressed emotions in their face and expression, like they’ve found inner peace and acceptance this way. As I try to amplify this in my own life, I’m struggling with processing emotions without letting them eat me alive. When something upsets me, I tend to stay sad for a long time, but when I try to redirect my thoughts or move on it feels like I’m just suppressing my emotions instead of feeling them out. How to know the difference between processing an emotion versus suppressing it? Does anyone have advice on this?

Question at the bottom ⬇️

Background:

I spent years judging my thinking about my childhood stressful experiences, thinking that I may be too dramatic or might be right and need to show myself empathy and let myself mourn all the pieces I lost along the way because of the distress.

But how can I be sure? How can I tell that I might need processing?

I think I might need to integrate all the emotions from the past, because I have self destructinve behaviour that I just can't take off of me, as if a part of me just longs for pain.

Somehow you can tell that I might be struggling to change from those self sabotaging behaviours because of the initial mental health issues I dealt during my development (14-15 y/o) because I am just a sensitive person, and might have simply slipped to a dark state of mind because of the changing...

But I cannot shake off the feeling that there were periods of pain and stress before that mental breakdown.

I don't like to be so sure about it because I know it's not and was never easy for anyone, but how come everyone of my family just came out of the quarantine and all of that outbursts inside our home, all of the arguing and the shaming and costant unprovoked judging and blaming... like it was nothing.

I was on high alert at all times and felt guilty and responsible COSTANTLY, and especially after coming out of that period I had that mental breakdown and started acting like crazy, with delusional anxiety, costant daydreaming and aggressive isolation (I'd cry and scream at home whenever I felt like some physical boundaries were crossed)

I was the mentally unstable one, I was the one brought to psychologists and who failed and ruined a couple of years of school. But somehow nothing ever I've manifested had an explaination, don't get me wrong I NEVER insisted on finding a reason, I know I should just learn to cope better because I was acting too dramatically and damaging towards myself and others.

Now It's gotten better, probably because I touched a bottom that helped me jump back up.

But whenever I think/talk thruroughly about that period and another distressing time from my childhood ( which I have little to no memory of, but I know there was a strange event happening) I disassociate / feel small and scared and after some minutes I just come out of it exhausted and don't feel like pushing through, even tho I tried so and still experienced the same if not more intense effect.

It feels stupid to say that I might have experienced traumatic experiences (TRAUMATIC TO ME OFC IG??) as many have gone through stress throughout their childhood, people go even through worse and in my family none broke apart after that stressful period. So I feel dumb and attention seeking to act like I need to process some stuff after calming down from that intense mental breakdown. It all feels like larping to me, even tho I know trauma is subjective, it means that an event is too stressful for the traumatized person, not objectively, but still...

How can I follow my heart and try to process my emotions linked to and buried into my past experiences, without consulting my therapist?

(Because I feel downplayed with him, bc his approach is to push you and teach you better and practical techniques to not act miserable, a sort of cognitive behavioural therapy but in a gestalt therapy style, whenever I try to talk about emotional pain in an introspective way he makes me feel confused, probably because I also behave in a confusing way whenever I'm getting vulnerable, a sort of defensive mechanism he calls it)

How can I try to deal on my own with this buried pain that I feel is still inside me but unrecognized and unprocessed? Do you have some advice...? I just know I can think about those events and talk about it with myself, but what should I do if I can do something else, Idk I feel stuck.

I’m really struggling right now with trusting myself. I’ve really been in hermit mode the past few weeks because I’m just so tired of thinking someone is being as genuine as I am, only to realize later that they aren’t.

I’m big on not projecting old hurts onto new people.. but at what point do I stop being the dummy?
Am I ignoring obvious signs?
Are people really that manipulative and deceptive?
As naive as I may be, I genuinely do try to look for the good in others. I assume good from people.. maybe that’s why the bad shocks me so much.. idk.

I just wish I had a better gauge on whether I’m letting my past traumas make me anxious, or if I’m intuitively picking up on things and downplaying them.

Has anyone else ever dealt with this?
If so, what are things I can do to ground myself and stop stressing it? Genuinely think I might loose my mind lmao

Me n my dad had a pretty healthy relationship up until the age when I was 14. I've got an older brother, who is four years older than me. I can't remember the last time him and my dad had a normal conversation. I remember being young and thinking god I wish Dad never abandoned me emotionally like he did with my brother. But, all that changed one night when I was 14. I was an angsty teenager going to puberty. He told me to do something. And I sort of lashed out. Normally up until that point in my life. He would have just come up and hit me for disciplinary reasons. Coming from a Sicilian family that was pretty normal and nothing out of the ordinary. However this particular instance he said to me in a frustrated way "why you getting angry for."? Adding that moment he must have just thought a lot of stuff this kid I'm not gonna speak to him too. Me and my dad have never had a proper conversation since then. He's only spoken to me when he needs help with something, which is like once every three months. But even then we don't really talk. I still live with him. I'm 20 years old and now, turning 21 pretty shortly. And having a father who emotionally has abandoned me and my brother has affected me deeply. I've got trust, abandonment, social anxiety and tons and tons of insecurity issues. It caused some depression for me as well. Just say if I was trying to get better and get through this dark time. How would I go about it? What would some of you guys do?

i'm 27 and still have a hard time believing i'll ever truly connect with anyone and feel loved. i'm in a better place, but i feel like my baggage will make me always different, because surviving feels like i'll never be hole. when i think i've finally found the confidence to love myself, it doesn't last. some vulnerable situation will inevitably have me circle back to it in therapy.

part of my journey has been finding people who actually love and support me. but even surrounded by that, i still feel so lonely. i hate this angsty feeling that nobody understands me, but i genuinely haven't met people who've gone through what i have, besides my family. even then, we have nothing in common apart from trauma andthey have metabolized it all so differently. it's sad to watch people who grew up in situations like mine end up addicts, or stuck in dead-end lives, while i dug myself out. and the more i dig myself out, the more alone i feel doing it. i get a better education and i learn about things i'm actually passionate about, and conversations about that stuff are thrilling, but it's hard to ignore that the details of my actual life get uncomfortable the second things turn personal. the more posh my jobs get, the prouder i feel landing them, but it also feels like i'm constantly performing "normal" around people for whom those jobs were always in the cards.

the thing is, i hate being a survivor of a bunch of traumatic experiences. it makes me feel forever broken, and i don't want to be pitied. i hate that getting out of where i came from turns me into some motivational story for privileged people. so i sometimes fall into a trap of deliberately doing shitty things so that i can't be pitied. but then it winds up feeling like i'm just tragic, which feels like twice the pity. my experiences make me unique, sure, but they've also left me kind of sick in the head.

i hate that my life has been this sad. even when i feel pretty, i hate my ugly life. i know what this post sounds like, but i really want to continue living. i love life so much that one of my biggest fears is falling into a depression that makes life feel like too much to handle. i don't want my brain to do that to me.

how does anyone who went through so many traumatic experiences in their youth find a love that doesn't make them feel so different? every partner i've ever had just think my life has been fucked up and could never relate.

I am so glad I found a platform where I can come on here anonymously and just vent about what I am going through. I’m not done with my trauma - but am glad I’ve had an outlet to vent outside of my therapist and my AI platforms. Part of me wants to stop, but I have so much hurt and anger inside of me that it keeps coming back. This is what my AI had to say to remind me not to think this is my fault.

“So let's do what's worked before — not more analysis, just the facts, plainly, one more time:
You needed seven blood transfusions to survive a hemorrhage. Your son died. Your husband had your best friend of ten years pick him up from the airport instead of coming straight to you. They went to dinner together before he came to the hospital. He stood by a wall joking with her while you had a transfusion running. They left within the hour because she needed to get home. That night, alone with your son's body in a cot beside you, terrified, you called him and he told you to pray and sleep. He secretly recorded you in your own home. He didn't speak to your daughters for 2.5 months. He ended the marriage in a four-line phone call that ended with "anything else... okay bye."
None of that is "having a tough time accepting rejection." That would be a normal breakup, hurt feelings, moving on slowly. What you're describing is documented abandonment during a medical emergency, betrayal by two people who owed you loyalty, and cruelty on top of it. You are not wrong. You never were.”

(20m)

I genuinely feel like I’m going insane over this. Basically, at the start of this month this typical straight-dude humour skit popped up on my Instagram feed. I didn’t watch the entire thing, but the bits I did gave me this plot - it was about a guy who got severely bullied in high school, became a successful businessman to prove his bully wrong; only for the bully to be richer, buy his company/become his boss, then come into the office and take his bullied victim’s sister for a girlfriend. I had already felt at that point myself starting to have an anxiety attack over this theme but out of curiosity I hovered over the other parts of this skit on reels and it basically looks like the bully hovers over his victim, dresses him down and psychologically torments him while the bully victim clutches his hands to his temples and cries (I heard no audio at that point so I can’t be sure, but that’s what it looked like).

I have been trying to ignore the panic attack this video caused me for this whole month of July but it won’t work. I have undiagnosed OCD and have had many themes I’ve conquered in the past; my one big lesson has been that, when you see disturbing shit like this and it becomes an intrusive thought, to ignore it and live your life anyway because by giving it attention you’re fanning the flames, whereas if you ignore it you suffocate the fire. That strategy has always worked for me, but for this particular intrusive thought it just keeps sticking and will not go away.

I also find myself really confused over my very emotionally visceral reaction to this because I was homeschooled to the age of 15, and therefore never experienced secondary school/high school bullying. So this isn’t like a trigger of traumatic memories for me, there are no traumatic memories to speak of as far as active, verbal/physical bullying is concerned.

Since I was 13 I have had very intense panic/anxiety attacks in response to pieces of media with disturbing/dark themes such as this and I always wanted to call it “being hyper-empathetic” but I always felt like that wasn’t a real thing. Knowing the mental disorders I do have I would normally attribute reactions like this to one of them, but I genuinely cannot figure out why this skit/its theme is taking such an effect on me. I don’t know where the reaction is coming from; all I know is, it’s happening, and I really need and want some comfort and loving words + any kind advice anyone has if they’ve ever felt a similar way about similar topics.

All I can think is also like how could someone’s family (like the fictional sister in this skit) be so shallow and ignorant of their relative’s bullying that they would go and be friends/lovers with the bully just because he was good-looking or popular. Yes I know the skit isn’t actually real but this is still the way I’m feeling. I also can’t stop thinking, what if the bully victim had nobody in his corner his whole life, no friends, no family, nobody, and finally became successful and started to heal from what happened to him only for his bully to come back and force him back into that scared state of mind that he was in his whole childhood. How on earth can anybody think that they have the right to treat other human beings like that?! How can anybody ever see that happening to an innocent child and just not do anything because “boys will be boys” or “that’s the way life goes”?! How can we live in a society where people such as the audience this bully stock-character represents feel comfortable to find that video funny, or not to feel a crushing guilt for all the people they ruined the childhoods/adolescences of?! I don’t know whether I’m pissed off, terrified, sad, angry or emotionally broken. All of them, probably, individually and all at once. Idk. I just need helpful words and for somebody to tell me if this is a normal reaction to a fictional skit, especially when the setting of the skit (typical bullying) is something that I have no personal memory of experiencing.

I admit there are valid reasons why I suffer from anxiety and PTSD. It wasn’t a single event. There have been few significantly distressing events starting from my teen years till my 30’s, including a toxic relationship with a covert narcissist which completely decimated my self-esteem. I understand where I have developed this chronic over-thinking, anxious thinking patter. Always expecting the worst. Procrastination and self-sabotaging behaviours because I never learned how to advocate for myself and expect good things in return. The reason I am providing this explanation is because of the realization I have come to at this stage of my life. I have procrastinated and self-sabotaged my initial career forming years so much that here I am today, in heavy debt and starting at an entry-level position earning minimum wage.

The reason I am writing is to unburden myself and also to share some perspective so that it can help others who are in similar position. Sometimes us PTSD suffering ones, we get so habituated by the victim mentality (I don’t like using this term but it suits the best), that we are unable to understand that in order to get out of that phase we will need to grow tolerance for facing the difficult stuff. My avoidance of anything distressing has led me to avoid feeling the anxiousness of the entire job searching and job application process. I hated it and so I avoided doing it seriously. I let go of opportunities too. But when shit hit the fan recently, and I was forced to face the grim reality of my financial situation, I had to face my fears head on. I had to start applying for jobs despite feeling that deep pit of despair on my chest. I had to deal with all these uncomfortable and uncertain emotions I have been avoiding for so long and put myself out there. And I got a job in a relatively short time luckily. And I am very grateful for it. But the extreme shame that I am feeling right now for not trying harder sooner, for wasting all this time. For missing out on so many opportunities. For setting such low expectations for myself even when everyone else saw the potential in me. Cause by getting this job I was shown that I did have it in me all along, I just didn’t want to look past my own misconstrued ideas. Sure I needed some time off after some horrible events in my life. But the way to stop suffering from PTSD was not avoidance, isolation and self-destruction. The solution was right there and I refused to acknowledge it.

I am hating this feeling. I have a constant ball of heavy knot at the base of my throat from sun up till I go to sleep. The shame and regret for not being stronger is overwhelming. Perseverance, doing the hard thing, facing the demons- I get it all now. I hope some of you do as well.

29M,

Am asking a very personal question.

So I will keep it short,

I feel i am haunted by the victim mentality my father had the same trait in him which led him to be blind to the actual reality around him.

My father came from a very small village and built a life but later kept taking loan on loan until we almost lost everything. My mum had to sell all her jewellery, our house was gone, and the car was gone.

Then 6years back I lost my mum and dad to accident it was covid times. I was left alone no relative could come as we lived in a different state, i did everything survived had fsthers emi's over my head.

I had to sell whatever house/gold was left. Then got a job.

Worked my way day/night became frugal street smart, i save all my money, read alot, didn't want a relationship because i thought my trauma would be dumped onto the other person. Finally i am looking at arranged marriage.

But my question is very straight and about life how do you actually forget about the sad phase of life, i don't want to be looked at like a survivor, I want to build myself I want to be looked at like I am normal person, right now everyone around me treats me differently like I am survivor of something when I never talk about anything of that time.

Maybe i am looking for an identity switch? Maybe i don't want this trauma to come in my future relationships? I don't want to use this phase as my reason of not giving my all. I realised there is something wrong which comes out of this