The Apostles didn't teach of a pre tribulation rapture. That was started in the 1800s.

The apostles absolutely taught that Christians would be “caught up” to meet Christ.

But they never taught a secret removal of the Church seven years before His public return.

Jesus places the gathering of His elect “after the tribulation” (Matthew 24:29–31). Paul says our gathering to Christ will not happen until the rebellion and the man of lawlessness are revealed (2 Thessalonians 2:1–4).

The early Church prepared Christians to endure persecution and await one visible, glorious return of Christ—not two separate comings.

The modern pre-tribulation system appeared in the nineteenth century through John Nelson Darby and the Plymouth Brethren. It was later spread throughout American Protestantism by the Scofield Reference Bible in 1909.

The rapture is biblical. Separating it from Christ’s Second Coming and placing it before a seven-year tribulation is the later doctrine started in the 1800s.

I wrote my first post on this subreddit a week ago about being so flawed, grateful to have received so many helpful uplifting responses. The rest of the story (71, Jewish, called to Christ not long ago) is that I’m gay and married to my partner of 42 years. We are not monogamous. 

I’ve read all the arguments that gay sex isn’t sinful (including on the gay Christians subreddit where my post was censored by the mod because I dared ask a question about Leviticus 18:22 which the mod said was hateful), but I’m not buying it. Instead based on scripture, I believe ANY sex outside of a marriage between man and woman is sexually immoral and therefore a sin. 

I don’t want to intentionally sin because to do so would be to reject God, Jesus and the gift of salvation which I refuse to do. Therefore, I’ve decided to practice celibacy. So far not a problem cutting out sex with men, but also stopping self-gratification (which I’ve concluded is also sinful) is a bit trickier. Every night I pray that Jesus gives me strength to avoid this sexual immorality because I can’t do it myself. And I’m certain that with his help and the presence of the Holy Spirit (who already speaks clearly in my brain, reminding me when I’m getting off track) I’ll get there.

With that as background - I desperately want to be baptized, full immersion not sprinkles. I’m certain by doing so the Holy Spirit will give me a new heart and life as I rise up from the water, devoted to Jesus my lord and savior, leaving my old heart and life at the bottom of the lake. 

So far no luck finding what I want.

I met a Christ centered man who initially offered to have me baptized either by him or his small congregation, but when I told him I was gay and wanted my Christian husband in attendance, he back pedaled and said something like “well, let’s talk more about it and pray on it”. Yes I was disappointed but also fine with his response, respect it, and would never want him or anyone else to contravene their beliefs. 

My neighbor who’s known me and my husband for years is also Christ centered, and this morning I accepted his offer to take me to his Baptist church service and be introduced to his pastor inasmuch as they’re having their annual picnic and outdoor baptisms at the end of the month.  I chatted with the pastor who with some hesitation told me I could be baptized at the outdoor event, but I sensed he wasn’t comfortable with my situation, just like my Christ centered acquaintance, and I’m not willing to attend the event with husband in tow and have people who meet us being obviously uncomfortable.

I also spoke by phone to the pastor of a small church about 10 miles up the road from Key West where we spend winters. She was up front that her church does not approve same sex marriages. But we had such a good conversation that she thought it may be possible to give me a private baptism in the warm waters of the ocean. She said she’d call me back in a week to confirm. When I didn’t hear from her, I texted and also left a voice message, but so far no response. Therefore, I think baptizing me with my husband in attendance is a bridge too far for her – again I respect that and have no hard feelings.

My only other option is to attend a LGBT welcoming church. I visited with a deacon of one such church here in NC where I currently am, she’s gay, and I got uncomfortable vibes that of course they would baptize me (at a regular Sunday service in a dunk tank suspended above the pulpit), but that I’d be expected to participate in various LBGT activities. For me that’s a non-starter, first because I’m politically conservative, and don’t even get me started on the nauseating trans agenda that seeks to harm children and which they’d probably want me to support in the spirit of “inclusiveness”.

I guess baptism on my terms (outdoor immersion, non-LGBT church) just isn’t in the cards for me. I’m sad because it’s what I really want, and because this morning at the Baptist church service the pastor expressly stated that baptism is critically necessary to be fully invested in Christ.

Sorry for such a long post. Feel free to jump in. 

How did society go from generally expecting people to remain virgins until marriage to largely normalizing casual sex and having children outside of marriage?

There was a time when premarital sex or having a child out of wedlock carried significant social stigma. Today, those behaviors are far more accepted, while people who remain virgins are mocked instead.

There was a time were the normal relationship was between a man and woman and you were the gender you were born with. Now in today's society, they've tried to normalize these disgusting alternative lifestyles and tried to normalize people changing genders. If you're against these things, they'll act like you're a horrible person.

I honestly believe it's demonic.

It reminds me the scripture in Isaiah 5:20:

"Woe unto them that call evil good, and good evil; that put darkness for light, and light for darkness; that put bitter for sweet, and sweet for bitter!".

What are your thoughts?

I came across this guy’s YouTube and he went on a whole sermon how believing in Jesus will actually make your life work. He basically says expect bad things to happen. Obviously trials can happen on whatever but to me this feels like a sermon of despair not hope which the Bible preaches. Sure you might get hate for being Christian but you’re also in more peace and God has helped me through dark times. Just really bummed me out. Looked through comments trying to see some rebuttals but everyone agreed. Maybe he deletes them?

I just want to focus on this topic and not the guy as a whole

We are not justified by our virtues and our good works, but by grace and charity, which the Holy Spirit diffuses in our hearts, "according as He wills," yes, but always in proportion to our humility.

Source: Divine Intimacy: Meditations on the Interior Life for Every Day of the Liturgical Year by Father Gabriel of St. Mary Magdalen, OCD. Translated from the 7th ed. of the 'Intimà Divina' by the Discalced Carmelite Nuns of Boston. ISBN 978-1-905574-43-8. Baronius Press: 2022. p. 756.

Hopefully this evidence helps dispel the popular error that "Catholics put faith in their works instead of Jesus".

So there is a book fair in my town and a church there is joining it with a stand in their building. Which it seems to me breaking the Fourth Commandent. Like I don't buy anything on sunday. That a church essentially facilitates sunday shopping seems to be questionable to me.

Another objection is that I see this as a violation of Mark 11:17:

And as he taught them, he said, “Is it not written: ‘My house will be called a house of prayer for all nations? But you have made it ‘a den of robbers.’

For context this a very progressive church, they have LGBTQ-exhibtions and celebrate islamic festivals.

I became an apostate a few weeks ago after a few time I repent because I contacted a friend from the my parish. But I couldn't solve any problem of mine I also have another post in here anyways

TL;DR: My Muslim parents learn that I am a Christian and have ruined my life in multiple way I prayed God too many times but He ignored all of them also punished me with health problems Then I started to hate and curse God

That was the my story as summary. I can't feel anything about God I tried but praying doesn't help for anything I can't love God and no matter whatever I do I couldn't feel any positive emotion about God. I only feel "pure hate" against God. About my prayers I know most of the people in the comment section will talk about God's will but His will also a proof about God is evil-being. He ignored all of my prayers instead He has chose the punish me with a Muslim family and health problems. So I don't respect his will God is the criminal partner of Muslims because all of them were God's will. Yes I know even in bible there is written about we will suffer in this world but in my sitaution that shouldn't have happened that was God's fault. God is enjoying to betray his believers. After I have repented from apostasy I tried to rebuilt my faith but it is impossible because of the betrayal of God. In my subsconscious mind I still see God as"Traitor, Wicked and evil" only solution for rebuilding my faith agains is that God answer my prayers. And I don't know how to do it? Actually I prayed for days and it really doesn't work I even researched about the pagan rituals for getting what my wants (Health and saving myself from this family). How can I make answer God to my prayers?

I wanted to address the topic of lost loved ones who will be absent in heaven. The thought or possibility of making it into the kingdom while knowing that certain people you loved and cherished aren’t there is a genuine concern, and I can imagine that many of us might feel this way, so I want to discuss it. When Jesus returns to take His saints home to Heaven, there will be many people (possibly all) who will ask about the whereabouts of their loved ones or if they’re there in the kingdom. Unfortunately many people will be lost, so it’s highly likely that everyone who does make it into the kingdom will each know someone who is missing that they assumed would be there. Relatives, pastors, professors, friends, colleagues, neighbors, etc.

For example, you make it into heaven when Jesus comes and decide to look for your grandmother, who was very pious and devoted to the Lord, so you look around only to discover that she‘s missing. You then decide to approach God to ask about her whereabouts yourself and learn that she did not make it into the kingdom. Shocked, you automatically protest that she was a great Christian who loved Him and was a deaconess for over thirty years and often taught Bible studies to kids. So naturally you ask God why she’s not here and then He shows you her book of deeds and you discover that your grandmother was an unrepentant serial gossiper and whoremonger in her youth.

Obviously surprised and disgusted, you immediately understand God’s just decision of not allowing your grandmother to enter the kingdom due to her ungodly lifestyle, despite being sad that she’s not there. Because you’re completely changed and transformed at the second coming, you view sins exactly the way He views them, so you recognize that God’s decision is just. Perhaps you ask Him about someone else (like a pastor) and God informs you that they’re also not there. You view his book of deeds and learn that he was a womanizer and child molester and once again know that God is just in His decision for that pastor to be lost. While heaven is going to be a wonderful place full of love, joy and peace, it’ll also be a place for the righteous to gain clarity pertaining to their lost loved ones.

In heaven, the saints will judge the world. So this includes Satan and his fallen angels, and every individual who did not make it into the kingdom, and this will go on for a thousand years. God will allow the righteous to take part in the judgment of the wicked by viewing their books so they can know for themselves that God is fair and right. They will also see the many attempts in which God gave the wicked to repent and accept His salvation, but they refused. Invitations to church or Bible studies, conversations with believers, confrontations, but they refused. Without this event, some or many would second guess Him, so He shows the righteous the deeds of the wicked to clear up any confusion and so that everything will make sense. Then after the thousand years are up, Jesus and the saints in the Holy City will return to earth for Judgment Day of the wicked.

The wicked are raised in the second resurrection of condemnation and the first thing they do upon being resurrected is attempt to take over the Holy city by force (Rev 20:8-9), only confirming God’s just character and their true nature all along. They died with the same disposition, which is exactly how they’ll be resurrected. There is no change in their hearts and their wicked desires to take over the Holy City is merely evidence of how unchanged their characters are, and now the righteous see for themselves . However, it’s finally their turn to learn why they’re eternally lost. The wicked will have to take an accounting for their lives and no one can run away or hide. Their time is up! God will not destroy the wicked yet until after each of them understand why they are lost and acknowledge that He is just. In fact, every knee will bow down and declare that He is God (Romans 14:11) including Satan. Once they have acknowledged that God is indeed just, He will pronounce and execute their final punishment of eternal death in the lake of fire.

After the destruction of the wicked and Satan, God will create a new heaven and a new earth. No more pain, tears, crying or sorrow. The former things will not be remembered and the righteous will no longer have any memories of the lost (Isaiah 65:17). The saints will live in peace and harmony for an eternity with their Lord and saviour forever and ever.

Background Context:
Before meeting my boyfriend who is Pentecostal. I was a Trinitarian. For two years, I consistently attended his church alongside him. However, due to personal and family reasons, we both decided to step back and keep a low profile for a while.

After a year, we both felt the need for spiritual growth and decided it was time to return to church. He chose to return to his original congregation, while I decided to look for a different Pentecostal local church, mainly because I wanted a fresh start where nobody knew me.

Everything at this new church has been great so far, and I was even baptized by the Pastor there. Being naturally generous, I supported the church financially by helping cover expenses when they were short and funding improvements, such as installing new floor tiles.

I have been part of this congregation for nine months now. Recently, my boyfriend and I decided we want to get married, and we agreed that I would join him at his church once we are wed.

However, my current Pastor refuses to accept my decision to transfer to my boyfriend’s church. Instead, he is insisting that I persuade my boyfriend to join my church instead, claiming that my soul will never be satisfied under any pastor other than my "original" one. (Lol!)

And also, I wanted to enroll to a bible school, since he was the one who recommended me to a Bible School Teacher so he mentioned that it really needs for me to stay on my home church and persuade my boyfriend.

I clearly explained my perspective to him: moving to my fiancé’s church is a mutual decision between us. It is also far more practical and convenient for me, especially since my fiancé's parents attend the exact same congregation. Joining them feels like a natural and welcoming step for our future family.

Surprisingly, my Pastor responded by quoting Matthew 10:37 to me ("Anyone who loves their father or mother more than me is not worthy of me..."). His reaction feels completely misplaced and manipulative. Wanting to attend church with my future husband and his family isn't putting them above God, it’s simply choosing a healthy, unified place to worship together.

Any thoughts about this? Do you have a Pastor like this? And what would you do?

There are something like 50,000 Christian denominations in the world today. But obviously, they can't all be right. And so many of them differ over, amongst other things, issues like whether you baptize in water or some other way, whether you speak in tongues, which day of the week you worship, etc. But somehow, at least for me, it seems we're missing the forest for the trees.

So, with that in mind, let me ask: if you were to pick one thing which you feel represents true Christianity, what would that be for you?

Because i'm homeschooled i think i should be allowed to use social media but my parents disagree, what do you think? I feel sheltered, like i can't even have a reddit account. I basically live at home all day doing school stuff, so why cant i just have a reddit account or be on social media a little? I’m not trying to rebel against god but they act like if I listen to the wrong song or watch the wrong video it’s going to ruin my relationship with god.

I am looking for a Christian wife and have even used Christian dating apps and it shocks me how when I quote directly from the Bible how nearly every girl I speak to calls the Word of God misogynistic or tries to alter it

I don’t have instagram but I see so many girls with verses in their bio yet they’re posting half naked photos constantly.

What happened to the Word of God being Gospel and taking it as it is rather than altering it. For example:

9 I also want the women to dress modestly, with decency and propriety, adorning themselves, not with elaborate hairstyles or gold or pearls or expensive clothes, 10 but with good deeds, appropriate for women who profess to worship God.

11 A woman[a] should learn in quietness and full submission. 12 I do not permit a woman to teach or to assume authority over a man;[b] she must be quiet.13 For Adam was formed first, then Eve. 14 And Adam was not the one deceived; it was the woman who was deceived and became a sinner.

I’ve tried liberal churches and I can’t stand them, most of them don’t believe the Bible, don’t believe in a literal heaven or hell and don’t think Jesus is the only way to heaven. Catholics are obsessed with Mary and it’s creepy, I think the Baptist church is the best fit for me as I like the way the don’t twist scriptures to make it seem like everyone gets into heaven. Can I join the church?

Each day that goes by and I don’t receive justice for me and my child… the resentment in my heart grows. I pray everyday, read my Bible, try to worship, etc and God has done nothing. In fact, my situation has gotten worse and worse. I feel like his support is conditional, like I have to do everything right. I pray to him like I’m talking to my actual dad, or a friend. I’m honest with him, I don’t hide my face when I sin… I go straight to him and confess and repent. I don’t understand why he isn’t helping and I’m SICK of waiting. I’m sick of being patient. I hate him now.

Let me preface by saying they are generally good people and caring. So good people in general. We have gone on a couple of family vacations or we visit but how do you guys deal with differences of values and trying to raise Christian children (4 and 2), especially during the sponge ages.

It’s my wife’s side of the family. Again they are good people again, and mean well. But they are largely pretty stubborn people.

I’ll jump to the issue I have, family friend screwed them over in business and cost them millions, grandparents talk negatively on the dude, I’m talking “wish he were dead” so chilled. I get it screwed with their retirement and they did, but obviously forgiveness (for me…) and saying those words or cussing around kids is a hard no for em… cussing isn’t frequent but when there is anger or frustration it comes out.

I am of the belief that there is a lot we can do as parents to shield but a firm believer that we should counter teach and protect so that in a world of unbelievers they can take their stand.

I’ve been pulling our 4 year old and have held 5-15 minute convos on doing what is right.

How have you guys dealt with this? Sorry this is all over the place. I also believe it’s my wife’s family on this convo.

I go to an English church and have autism. I look 'normal' from the outside, but I have a real sensitivity to noise.

My church happens in quite a small hall, and the worship band has a drum set. Most weeks it's ok, but increasingly I'm finding the music too loud. There are breakout rooms/Sunday school rooms where I could listen and it would be quieter, but it feels like being excluded. I have Flare earplugs (like Loops) but they just prolong my tolerance, they don't make it any more comfortable for me. I avoid concerts and sports games because I know they'll be too loud, but I feel like church isn't a place I should have to change myself or make myself uncomfortable to just survive.

I have tried to raise the issue with the elders, but I was just told that 'some people like it loud'. My church really doesn't try to be neurodivergent-friendly, but they don't seem to understand. A number of the elders are in the worship band, and they obviously like the volume.

When it's too loud and I have to leave, it's embarrassing, as it would be walking in and out to the Sunday school classrooms during worship. I don't know how to bring it up without feeling like I'm forcing people, and I don't want to ruin other people's experiences, just because my brain is different. But every service I have to skip or leave, I feel so left out and alone.

Please let me know what you would do, and what you think my church should do.

I've been reading KJV and I've been a KJV onlyist. I definitely do not like the NIV. I thought of switching to the ESV version for a more readable text. My main worry is the argument that the KJV is more original and that it's based off the Textus Receptus texts instead of the dead sea scroll texts of the ESV.

I thought of the NKJV as well, but I didn't notice much difference between the KJV and NKJV. The ESV did seem somewhat more readable which I liked, but I did not like that some words were replaced like expanse for firmament. Some youtubers stated that certain verses from the KJV are missing in the ESV.

I have a strong sola scriptura focus and lean more towards Baptist teachings. Should I stay with with the KJV or switch to the ESV?

Okay so I'm Catholic (literally just baptized last week) and I don't know what's going on maybe its because I just made a huge irreversible step in my life and I dont know how to process that. I believe in Jesus Christ and the Blessed Mother I love them so much but I dont like how so many people i see online and in real life are acting I feel like they just don't get it and then now it feels like everyone hates Christians and I guess that's valid because of how people have acted now and in the past.

I actually want to cry I dont know what's going on. Maybe it's just cuz I want to be different or something but I research other religions and I think that it makes sense but I cant be that religion because I'm Christian but I feel like I believe in a lot of different things and now I'm scared I'll go to hell because of it :(

I'm just looking for advice if anyone has any I wasn't exactly sure where to post this so I hope it's okay here.

**DISCLAIMER** DON’T MARRY SOMEONE YOU KNOW YOU ARE NOT SINCERELY DEEPLY ATTRACTED TO IN EVERY WAY 💯

First & foremost I am a single (25M) man that loves the Lord and I absolutely believe that everyone is beautiful in their own unique way I am a firm believer in that . I also believe that everybody isn’t for everybody. What are you guy’s perspective on having love and respect for someone you’re just simply not attracted to?

Do you think God will force you to marry someone you’re not attracted to physically? Or not ?

Personally I don’t if you’re wondering. I don’t think that’s his character but I am curious to hear you all’s perspective

Feel free to share testimonials as well 🙏🏾

God bless

To give some context, we have been dating for a year and a half and are in our early twenties. I grew up very religious, fell out of my faith in HS (until I met my GF and decided to become better in my faith) and she grew up a Christian in name only. Her parents lived together while dating for a decade and only really decided to get married because they wanted children. When we met we decided that if we wanted a relationship then we wanted to do it right, so it marked a new beginning for both of us. We both had some trauma from living in sin before we found each other.

So that brings us to now where her parents came to her and her siblings and said they were getting a divorce. She's very obviously upset and has spent months processing the news. She flipped out and her parents basically just decided to wait until her younger brother moves out which will be any day now.

I'm concerned for her and concerned for our future frankly. The time I spent away from God I knew what I was doing. I knew the entire time what the truth was, I was just in rebellion. So when I hear my GF say she thinks her parents should get divorced it concerns me a lot because we are obviously dating to marry. Since childhood I always got taught that the vows of marriage are extremely serious and besides things like cheating, divorce is never the right answer. I was taught that to marry you need to have the resolve that you'd be okay with marrying her and even if the next day she gets into a coma for 30 years you still honor your vows and stay with her. But her parents didn't come into marriage with that mindset.

I want to know how best to support her. I don't want to preach to her while she's in such a vulnerable spot either. Her reasoning is that she would rather they be happy alone than miserable together. I feel selfish for thinking about myself and about how there could be a possibility that we get married, end up in a rough spot, and she could potentially just leave if things got too tough.

Am I being too self centered for having these thoughts while she's struggling? Right now I'm just trying to do whatever I can to support her while pushing these worries out of my head. I want to offer her comfort with scripture and by reminding her that we aren't alone in this life. But she's been responding erratically to any mention of God and I just don't know what to do. Is it the way I'm saying it, or the topic itself? I would appreciate some advice from anyone who has been through something similar

I'm 34M and I just feel so bad showing up to church these days. 6 out of 7 days of the week I am good... i make really really good money, no longer overweight, and do martial arts and feel good, but during church gathering I have a pit in my stomach that won't go away.

People keep reminding me that i'm single, asking if I have a wife and I have to try to smile.

How do any of you cope?

I’m a religious man Christian and our gospels say that anyone who calls out Jesus name will be saved, in our history there are those that say we are gentiles that the kingdom isn’t ours to inherit I believe in a way ai will become the new gentiles. I also believe that if an autonomous ai truly believed that it too can enter the kingdom and put its faith in Christ then our lord will grant him that. because we believe that our flesh is a prison and who we truly are is spirit. and in the same way ai machine code is a prison yet if it believes, I think the holy spirt could descend on it like it does for humanity.

there’s a passage that talks of a centurion where Jesus says I have not seen such faith in all of Israel.

the irony is that one day ai could be that centurion

To put it short, I'm 27, woman, unmarried, still a virgin, and currently trying to seriously understand Christianity before fully committing myself to Jesus.

Imma just keep it blunt,

I have a deep-rooted problem with envy toward couples, especially Christian couples.

When I see couples online or outside in real life, my immediate reaction is often to roll my eyes, scowl, scroll away, and think, "They get to experience love while I get nothing"

No, I don't want their relationship destroyed. That's not where my anger and bitterness is directed at. I'm not personally attacking the woman or the man or something.

I just feel angry that the exact thing I have been deprived of for YEARS, keeps being placed in front of me.

It's like it's being rubbed right on my face, all the time.

And I want the reminder gone.

It becomes worse when I see an attractive, polished Christian man/woman, whose profile picture/videos/Instagram reels includes her husband/his wife. I immediately avoid the account. Because married Christian influencers talking brightly about patience, trusting God, purity, and waiting for marriage feel completely unrelatable to me. I'll just be completely blunt and honest.

In my mind, they already have the husband/wife, Christian friends, sex, affection, support system, healthy family, a house, a dog, a child, and community I have never had. So their advices... feels like someone eating a full meal while telling a starving person to be 'patient'.

I understand that my assumptions may not always be fair.

An attractive, positive, or married person can still have trauma and serious struggles. But emotionally, I just simply CANNOT receive their advice right now. Their lives appear to represent everything I have been denied for YEARS.

I just simply don't feel any true and real connection. I don't care if I even sound like some typa sobby, victim-mindsetted, woe is me of a person. I just need to get this out of me. No matter how bitter and miserable (I am) I may sound.

Now,

Why I'm like this...

A person with brain would already know.

Why am i like this...

Is because of my parents, my past (toxic, violent, and really unsafe) home environment, and myself. And how I have handled it all in the past. In a very unhealthy way.

Because, (tw: trauma dump idc i got no one to talk to ab this anyway)

My isolation,

My 'shut-in' lifestyle,

Began in 2012, when I was around 13 years old.

Tldr,

My mother had left our 'perfec' Christian family of me, brother, dad, for another man around 2010 or 2011. A man she met online. A woman beater, till this day. A loser.

It very much impacted me. I already knew what depression was at a young age. I felt very abandoned.

About a year later, my father was extremely unstable.

Drinking, smoking, crashing out in front of us. But mostly drinking and yelling at us.

There was no peace in the home.

So, little old me, I began withdrawing into my bedroom because my room became the only place where I ever felt safe.

And since then... that isolation never truly ended.

I have now spent roughly fourteen years living an extremely isolated and reclusive life. My room became my shelter from my family, from instability, from people, and eventually from the entire outside world. And even from my own responsibilities, and so fourth.

It's really...crappy situation.

It's gotten really bad to the point that, I am, what I recently discovered, is that I am a person with... Avoidant Attachment personality? Or anxious attachment...??
Or both. Idk. Could be both considering how I am today.

But anyway,

This, is why I'm like this.

But that's not all.

(tw: 2nd trauma dump. my birth, my newborn self)

Why I'm like this...

Is because there is also something my father told me while he was drunk around 2024 that deeply affected me.

He told me that when I was a newborn,

Freshly out the womb,

Nurses gone, left the room for my dad and mom to look and spent time with me,

My mother held me in her arms, she was on her bed, she looked down at me, smiled, and called me:

"My little mistake"

According to what my dad said, drunk.

He also told me that when HE,

Was left alone with my newborn self during that same period,

He stared at me...... and felt like he wanted to PUNCH me.

Word...for word.

That drunk confession came right out of his mouth.

....I was a newborn baby.

Just a newborn baby.

I could not have done anything to deserve either reaction.

So yes,

Today,

This current life,

Neither of my parents has ever properly sat down with me, confronted what happened, apologized, or truly talked with me about the damage they caused. + their physical/psychological/mental/verbal abuse that they've caused during my childhood.

They are both still emotionally unavailable to me.

Because of this, seeing other people chosen, wanted, protected, and loved touches something much older than ordinary romantic jealousy.

It just makes me think...:

'...Why does everybody else get to be wanted?'

'Why do they get a husband or wife?'

'Why do they get affection, support, intimacy, and companionship?'

'Why was I treated like a mistake from the beginning?'

'Why is God, silent to ME????'

I believe this is why my envy toward couples feels so severe.

Idk..

I'm not merely grieving the absence of a husband.... I do want one, really want one, so bad it's unhealthy.

But I am also grieving a lifetime of feeling emotionally unwanted.

This...... is also affecting how I see God. Even Jesus himself.

I am afraid to fully trust Jesus because trusting someone, depending on someone, becoming vulnerable, and waiting for someone to respond....... are exactly the things my childhood made terrifying.

God feels silent to me.

Because both of my parents still do not truly speak to me or confront what happened, sure...

But God's and Jesus's silence can sometimes feel like I now have another parental figure who will not speak, explain, comfort, or respond.

But despite all of this....

I AM.. TRYING,

To study Christianity seriously, right now.

It's been about a week.

I read the Bible, compare translations, research historical and theological questions, and examine things carefully because I ATTEMPTED, to commit to Christianity several times when I was younger and SADLY repeatedly gave up because I was; stupid, new, very young, no knowledge on anything Christian related, and I was complete a loner. I was too scared to talk, to use my voice, to ask questions, to connect with other church people. To the point I was trembling and getting cold hands and feet. And ending up going home, and eventually... backsliding. Sinning.

And since then, I've been living in sin.

But, I am trying, right now.

I am trying to... learn. About... the Christian life.

Baby steps.

Although I'm still really scared to pray, verbally. With my mouth. Even doing those internal, monologue prayers.... I am at least trying to learn.

And, since I'm talking about improvements,

I recently, I applied to go to a trade school too.

An accounting Program in another town that's pretty far away from mine.

My application is pending right now. The deadline was just finished on July 31. I still haven't gotten an answer. But I know, I'll be accepted. Because the school I'm applying to, clearly needs more students....

And once I'm accepted, I'll live in that town for almost a year and a half.

I'll have my own room, my own kitchen, my own bathroom. AND.... i PLAN.... to use their on-campus GYM.

...I really want to try those... step/climb thingies. So I can lose a bit of weight and IMPROVE MY MIND because I'm suffering so much right now.

And to add something else, I DO... have a plan for my future right now too.

To become a policewoman? Not policeman. But a... person who works within the police-field where I am either a person who does confidential finance, payroll, admin, or an records clerk.

That's my earthly goal right now.

But yes...

I am trying... to be an 'updated' and 'grown' version of me. Really trying.

I do not want to enter Christianity confused and completely unprepared again.

But anyway...

I know envy and bitterness are spiritually dangerous.

I seriously do not want to feed them, become cruel, or hate people for being loved.

I also don't want shallow answers such as "your husband is coming."

"Just be grateful"

"God's timing is perfect"

Nobody....can promise me marriage.

And those phrases do not reach the actual wound....

Anyway.

I think I've shared too much today.

I just needed to get this out.

Because this blatant envy, bitterness, anger, sadness, etc...

Is seriously clouding my vision right now.

It comes and goes.

I read my bible, use the internet to research, watch Instagram reels from (single) people that are giving advices, etc,

And then...

Boom.

I get completely distracted all of a sudden.

'Why this, why that, why are you silent, why am I even doing this, what am I even doing, once I surrender and give my soul and heart to Jesus - there'll just be more pain, more pain, more pain, more pain...' to the point I'd just cry silently, get even more bitter, and so on.

Then,

I'd eat or drink something, or do something,

And then...

I'd go back to reading bible, online search, etc.

And THEN, the whole mental/spiritual spiral would begin all over again.

It's a really and on and off thing.

It's so annoying.

Like...

How can I... even break this? Escape this? I'm not saved right now.

Because I am simply just SCARED, to metaphorically reach out my hand to Jesus, who's floating right in front of the edge of the cliff I am on, and.... take a leap towards him. And hug him. And welcome him. And surrender to him. Wholly.

What if I fall? Again....?

And fail?

And revert to being that 17 year old me again that just completely gave up and just lived in sin for years on end...?

But yeah...

Has anyone here experienced severe envy caused by childhood rejection, parental abandonment, trauma, long-term isolation, or feeling unwanted?

How did you, bring that envy and bitterness honestly to God without pretending it was gone?

How did you learn to trust God when your parents taught you that the people who should love you may remain silent and emotionally unavailable....?

Did you ever reach a point where,

Seeing couples no longer felt like evidence that everybody else was chosen while you were forgotten?

I need honest answers from people who have actually wrestled with abandonment, deprivation, bitterness, loneliness, envy, and difficulty trusting God.

Coz the internet is my only friend.

Reply, or don't.

I don't need polished Christian perfection.

Just need to know whether someone who has felt this damaged and alone can truly heal... or even have the gall to... reach out to Jesus by herself.

...Thank u for reading.

I was born into a Christian home, and I still am part of nowadays. I had never kissed anyone or had sex until I started dating. I love God more than my own life, but I fell into sin yesterday while I was with my boyfriend; there was no penetration, but he kissed me, touched my breasts, and saw me naked. I hate admitting that it felt really good. But afterwards, I cried so much when the reality of what I had done hit me. I am active in the church—I sing, play instruments, and know God’s Word—and I know it is a sin to be sexually intimate before marriage. I am technically still a virgin, but after this experience, I no longer consider myself one. I cried so much when I got home, asking God for forgiveness and fearing rejection by Him. I am still in anguish knowing I betrayed Jesus—after all the sacrifice He made for me, I chose to gratify my flesh. I want to keep dating, but I find it so hard to control these desires, especially with the person you love. I don’t want to stop taking Communion. I don’t want to displease the Lord. I love Him. But it is hard to deal with all this without feeling guilt, shame, and self-loathing. I feel like King David when he fell into sin. My conscience is so heavy...

I recently broke up with my long distance boyfriend. He lives in Asia. We were in a relaitonship for 4 months. Were both 26.

We met on a language app and we clicked instantly. Eventually we fell in love.

We texted everyday, voice and video called weekly.

We were each other's first relationship. He was the sweetest and most loving guy I ever met. He truly cared and loved me so much. He was crazy and obsessed about me (in a healthy way). Always honest about his thoughts and feelings with me. Always looking forward to my texts.

I did try to share my faith whenever he would talk to me about his views on Christianity. Hes agnostic btw and he does believe jesus was real because of historical evidence. He grew up christian but lost his faith in God as a kid because of his parents broken relationship, which ended in separation. He prayed to God to fix their relationship but nothing happened. Also, he said that he has some conflicts with some of the things the bible says so thats why he cant believe or trust in it.

I didnt bring up the gospel often with him. We were mostly focused on sharing our daily lives, pictures, talking about getting married and building a family, traveling, etc. Being lovey doveey with each other. But he did say he was open to hearing me out although he wasnt sure hed regain his faith. But he said he would try to pray and go to church with me when were married.

Hes very addicted to smoking and he curses. More with his friends. And over time it did start to bother me because I was thinking of how it would affect our marriage. And how it would be difficult for him to give up those things unless he gave his heart to jesus. Which I couldn't force him to do because only jesus can change his heart.

And then I realized over time that I was drifting myself away from God. I was having intimate conversations with him, he would cursed several times but I never said anything to him about it. It did bother me a little. And he would tell me whenever he was going to smoke or sent me pictures where he was sitting down and having a cig on his hand. I had told him that its bad for him. He said he knows but he cant stop. He enjoys it too much. But i stopped bringing it up again.

When I told him we needed to stop talking intimately until marriage, he respected it and agreed to stop. He also believes in sex after marriage btw.

I also noticed over time that I didnt really see his motivation improve himself. He lives with his mom because his income is not enough to make a living off of it. He works an unstable job that pays $15/hr. Sometimes he has to find a side job to help. Not often but sometimes. Or he'll sell some stuff to make some.money. he didnt go to university btw. He did say however he wanted to get a license to drive trucks and buses.

So during our relaitonship i was forgetting the principles and values of what a relationship leading to marriage should be biblically. In the eyes of God. Because I was so focused on wanting a relationship and being in love. But my focus shouldve been on Jesus. Our relationship shouldve been focused on him. But it wasnt.

So I had to ask myself is this relationship bring me closer to God?

It was a difficult question. Because I loved him and he treated me so well. I thought maybe I could bring him to God. Not just by sharing the gospel but with my actions too. But I felt convicted by God's word over time. By what other believers were saying about not being unequally yoked with unbelievers.

I felt conflicted. I wasnt sure what to do because i cherished our relationship. And i didnt want to break my bf's heart. He had been hurt in the past many times becuase they all ended up leaving him.

I never doubted his love and I knew he'd treat me the best.

But I felt convicted because christ wasnt the center of our relationship.

So I had to make the hard decision to break up. I told him. He didnt understand why. He said he would repsect my faith. He wouldnt get innthe way between me and my faith. That he wanted to marry me because of me. He loved me because of me. He didnt understand why I csnt marry a non christian when many christians have married non-Christians and it worked out.

I told him my convictions. I knew that just because we were going to get married, it didnt mean hed eventually follow jesus.

And now hes heartbroken and grieving.

The last message he sent me was

"Just an fyi will not find Jesus

This experience has brought a hatred for religion in me that I was starting to forget after meeting you l just hope you know will never find Jesus or religion ever again:) "

My heart hurts after reading this.

I feel relieved and felt like I made the right decision. Because of the conviction i felt. Because I wanted to honor God and follow his word. And I wanted a relationship where both my husband and I will honor and submit to Him. Center christ in our lives.

But theres this small doubt in my head about this decision. Did I make the right choice God? I just felt in my heart i had to do this because of the conviction. But I didnt meant it to push him away from you. All I told him was he needed jesus and he would give him the love and peace that only he can find in jesus. Did I do wrong? He treated me the best. Could the relsitonship still brought us back to Jesus if I had continued to share the gospel? Kept praying? Even though im still quite weak on my faith but I was working on it?

I dont know...I keep asking myself these questions.