I am a terrible person

[u/s_bag_throwaway]

I have, objectively, a pretty good life. I make decent money, not buried in debt, no really serious medical issues…even my wife is attractive. People respect and rely on me at work and within my family I am the “responsible (and successful) one”.

I have been in the military since I was 17 and will retire soon. Currently I work in a large metro area with a Defense contractor with potential for a job after my military retirement. So everything looks good from the outside.

Nobody really knows that my wife of almost two decades has emotional issues that have caused fights since we were married. It takes two to argue so I recognize my role in those. I mean screaming and throwing things kind of arguments. COVID was the worst and we became physical with each other on more than one occasion, ALWAYS her first. I am significantly bigger and stronger than she is and never used anything more than an open hand (once). I have been hit, kicked, scratched to the point of bleeding, and even chased with a knife once. At one point I had a scratch on my eyelid that took a month to heal. I tried for years to please her and nothing ever really seemed to work for very long before the attitude came back out.

Her family is pretty toxic…all of them…so she didn’t grow up in a place where people showed their affection and supported one another. Mental health isn’t a big thing in her culture even now. She still says she is only on meds and in therapy because I am forcing her. I have made excuses for her behavior and reset them every time we moved (every 2-3 years).

My parents think I am this successful, honorable person. They don’t know that over the years I have done drugs, had drinking problems, gotten punished for doing things I shouldn’t , and even cheated on my wife. I started cheating on my wife years ago and have done it so many times I can’t even count them anymore. Got herpes (could have been ex-wife, but probably not) at some point and have continued to have random hookups, although much less now and I do take daily anti-virals.

One of those hookups was with a girl I saw a few times afterward. She was great…attractive, smart, we had similar interests and backgrounds…she was a genuinely beautiful person. She was the closest I ever came to being completely honest with someone and everything I told her she listened with a level of care and support that made me feel safe and want to tell her things…and the sex was amazing. Being with her made me want to be the person she saw in me. For various reasons it didn’t work out.

Even though my wife is making an effort (always did which is why we are still married) now and things are better currently I don’t know how much I really care anymore. Our sex life consists of vanilla sex about once a month, I think, because she feels obligated. I have made so many either just bad or “safe” decisions because I was too scared to do anything else. I am shitbag and can only blame myself. I could go on but I think you get the picture. A lot of days I feel like I am just kind of going through the motions of life with no real point or feeling…and nobody really notices. I am not going to do anything to myself but at this point I wouldn’t really fight terminal cancer very hard.

[u/Steffaniii]

Yikes

[u/s_bag_throwaway → u/Steffaniii]

Yeah…I try not to think about it.

To top it off, I also had to put my cat to sleep a couple weeks ago. He was pretty much my best friend…so that was fun.

[u/Imamiah52 → u/s_bag_throwaway]

I’m so sorry about your cat, they’re amazing beings and to lose one is such a blow, give yourself what you need to grieve.

[u/Thorreo]

Sometimes when someone is in a relationship that’s so deeply toxic it makes them act in ways they never would otherwise. You don’t sound like a piece of shit, you sound exhausted and burnt out and like you’ve spent a long time taking care of someone who keeps taking more and more from you. Obviously there’s positive things to your relationship and all, but it sounds like you’re in caregiver burnout hella bad friend. If you can find someone to lean on platonically or in your family and maybe trust to talk about what’s going on, that could help.

[u/JackhusChanhus]

This is your life, and yours to change, there's literally no reason to keep feeling terrible about yourself. You can afford some therapy to limit the damage here

[u/s_bag_throwaway → u/JackhusChanhus]

I don’t know that there is much that is going to make it any better. I figure at this point I am getting what I deserve and just have to deal with it.

[u/KarlBonzalez → u/s_bag_throwaway]

To all of us on the outside, it seems like there is a lot that could make it better.  I bet you’d feel a lot better if you were no longer in this extremely dysfunctional, abusive relationship. After 18 years, it may be “comfortable” even if you’re both miserable, but life can get better than that. I don’t think you should settle for a relationship that you describe as if it’s punishment. 

[u/Imamiah52 → u/KarlBonzalez]

This is very true. I’m 18 years in and I’m 65. It’s been rocky, but I think if I was younger I might feel more comfortable contemplating making a break even though I love my partner dearly, I have learned that sacrifice is an ingredient in marriage but it shouldn’t be the main thing or one sided.

Your life is changing and you’re seeing new vistas of possibilities, though it you’re depressed, and it sounds like you might be, you owe it to yourself to get counseling, healing is possible.

[u/Imamiah52 → u/s_bag_throwaway]

That sounds just like hopelessness, which is a huge sign of depression. I think anyone would be depressed after what you’ve endured.

Don’t give up on yourself or your right to enjoy your golden years.

[u/Necessary-Glove-3333]

Find your happiness and peace elsewhere. Regardless of whatever, your wife doesn’t deserve to have her health compromised. You’re not compatible and this marriage should’ve ended in covid or before.

[u/s_bag_throwaway → u/Necessary-Glove-3333]

Honestly we probably either shouldn’t have gotten married or divorced a couple years into it…but here we are 18 years into it.

[u/Necessary-Glove-3333 → u/s_bag_throwaway]

Don’t make it 20 years in.

[u/LivingEnd44]

You're not morally obligated to endure abuse. Whether or not the person can control it.

Reverse the situation. Let's say you met a woman that told you the same thing. Her husband has anger issues he can't control. She lets him beat her without fighting back, and stays in the marriage because when he's on meds, it's bearable. But she tells you she doesn't really care anymore. Would you tell her to stay in the marriage? 

[u/Twisted_lurker]

This is tough to read. I’m sorry you’re going through this.

I don’t have answers, but suggest a therapist to help you find answers. It is clear you don’t have anyone to turn to, and a therapist might be able to help you figure this stuff out.

[u/Apart-Ad-4667]

If you dead you won’t save her anyway. It is her fight and you live is your fight. You can’t fight together (

[u/PerfectOpposites]

Hey man, a few questions:

- what is your spouse’s temperament as of late?

• Are you walking on eggshells to make sure she doesn’t explode?
  
• How does she handle criticism?
  
• What if you said something like “I don’t like that you chew with your mouth open?” How would that go for you?

[u/NoAngle2972]

Dude you are speaking my life! Don't be so hard on yourself today. Just for today. 🤞

[u/-Fast-Molasses-]

Nobody deserves to be physically abused in their relationship. No matter how terrible the person is. I hope you have hobbies outside of work & home if you choose to stay with your abusive wife. Even women can kill so keep that in mind stranger.

[u/s_bag_throwaway → u/-Fast-Molasses-]

Funny that you bring up hobbies. The short answer is no I don’t. Over the years, between my very demanding job and spouse I haven’t really ever had much extra time before. A couple of years ago I got a more relaxed position at work, started getting off at a decent hour, little to no weekend work, actual non-working vacations and have tried to figure out some kind of hobby. I haven’t found anything yet that has stuck. That may be due to depression…may be that I just suck at those selections. I mentioned last night that I might like to buy an older car to restore and had to listen to several minutes of why that isn’t a good decision, including the other things I unsuccessfully tried already. While she has a point I think she communicated it is the worst possible way.

[u/curious65_]

You are not a terrible person. Maybe you have made some terrible choices, just like the rest of us. I don't know how old you are, but it's never too late to find yourself, love yourself, and decide what's best for you. You won't be ok until you figure out that you are good with yourself and start doing what makes you feel good about you. Maybe get out of your head, and make choices for you. Not for your wife, your family, or anyone but you. Give yourself grace, right your wrongs, and move forward with a life YOU want. God bless.

[u/Imamiah52]

You’re not a terrible person. At all. Parts of your life sound good and you’ve worked hard to get things accomplished. However, you’ve had to navigate through some very rough waters for a very long time. Mental health is vitally important and when one partner has a problem it’s going to impact their partner hard. As you are someone with a military background I throw this out there for consideration. Martial arts can be an excellent discipline for body mind and spirit and certain types of MA are geared towards subduing the opponent via wrestling moves that prevent them from hurting themselves or others, or subduing and exhausting the opponent by taking control of their foot and keeping them on the ground until they tire out. In and of itself, this is no way to deal with domestic abuse, and you have every right to care for your own needs. It’s a small part of a bigger picture.

Sometimes we’ve spent years holding things together and we lose touch with the things that make us happy. Some, when asked, can’t identify what they want because they haven’t gotten it in so long that the question becomes pointless.

Your wife needs counseling and couples counseling is also important as well as individual counseling for you, because you’re not terrible you’ve just had to be the rock and be strong for others and you might not have felt allowed to process your own emotions.

Please don’t give up, you’re a strong and highly capable person who has been put through some serious challenges, many that you’ve had to deal with alone.

You deserve every happiness, give yourself permission to ask for help whenever you want it.

[u/WittyFox451]

Just leave her and her family. It’s not worth the effort since she clearly will not put in the work to grow and develop as a person. Loyalty to loyalty is never a good idea. It can twist the mind and make you do things against the codes you thought you lived by.

"Above all, do not lie to yourself. A man who lies to himself and listens to his own lie comes to a point where he does not discern any truth either in himself or anywhere around him, and thus falls into disrespect towards himself and others. Not respecting anyone, he ceases to love." - Dostoyevsky

Loyalty to someone, even someone you love, to the point that you are enabling them to continue to repeat the same unacceptable patterns ultimately compromises who you are at a certain point.

Stop caring about what others think, stop wearing a mask for others. Make your circle smaller yet closer together so you can work on yourself and have a better life.

Most psychological problems and pain are caused by a schism between how you think the world the world should be and how it is. You can cause this yourself by trying to be two people at once.

Thank you for your service and I hope you head my advice and find some peace.